Original subtitles

Oh, good evening.

I'm sure there's a question in everyone's mind.

You're all wondering how I have managed to overcome the help problem.

The secret lies in offering fringe benefits, on -the -job training, things

like that.

These items don't cost much, and what I spend on them I save on costumes.

Seriously, this is certainly not an honest picture of life in Hollywood.

We do believe in being comfortable while we work, but we never eat grapes during

business hours.

Tonight's story is entitled The Greatest Monster of Them All, which certainly

should be a cue for the sponsor to...

Shut it off.

Can't you see I'm reading?

What's the matter, huh?

There's got to be silence every time you stick your nose in the racing form?

This isn't a racing form, Morty. This is a book on... You should excuse the

expression. Entomology.

Ento -what?

Entomology, stupid.

The study of insects.

Insects? I don't get it. Neither do I. But I will.

Gotta find me a book.

So for this you need a book?

Please.

Morning, Mr. Barlow. Morning. Take a look around.

The joint is full of bombs.

The fine movie studio you rented.

When they built this place, Lionel Barrymore was playing juveniles.

Never mind how it looks. I'm getting it cheap.

You get everything cheap, Boris.

This I got to hand you. When it comes to cheap, you're a genius.

Yes, every day in every way.

Forty grand this one cost you, and it grossed over a half a million.

Well, like I say, pure genius. Knock it off.

Find me a bug.

So what do you need a bug for?

For the next movie, stupid.

Bug the box office.

You want to make a monster movie today? You've got to have a bug.

You mean like a giant spider?

Or a scorpion, huh?

Sure. Only they've all been used.

I needed no one.

Say, how about a giant cockroach?

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

No, I couldn't.

It ain't in good taste.

So let Logan dream up something.

He's your writer, isn't he?

That Rummy.

Didn't he almost win an Oscar once?

He used to be a real artsy -craftsy.

All I know is he works cheap.

Oh.

Oh, Freddy boy.

We've just been dropping your name.

How clumsy.

Hey, you loaded?

No, of course not.

I never drink on the job.

Only after.

So you're on the job.

Show me the pages.

Well, I haven't been able to do anything yet, Mr. Ballou. You said you'd have to

decide on a giant insect.

That's what's bugging him.

Get it? Shut up.

Look, you're such a hotshot writer.

You find me a monster bug.

That's your business.

Yeah, I guess you're right. That's my business, all right? Fred Logan, boy

monster bug finder. Never mind with the sarcasm. All I want out of you is

script. All right, so sue me. I haven't been able to think of a new type bug.

All right, so never mind the bug.

Let's pray for the high school audience.

You mean you want to change it to an adolescent theme now?

No. Like I said, high school kids.

What do you say, Logan?

Think you can come up with a high school background?

We got all those kids, young, full of life.

Pray them against death.

Find me an angle.

Okay.

I think I can.

Ernst von Croft.

Ernst von Croft, the greatest monster of them all.

Sure, I remember.

That's how they used to bill him back in the 30s.

Haven't seen him around for years.

He's been in retirement lately, Hal, but this could make a great comeback

vehicle for him.

Sure, that's the bit.

Milk it to publicity.

He's too old to act.

Who cares?

He's still a big name in the horror department.

I bet I can get him cheap.

Look, Morty, you wouldn't have to use him throughout the picture, see? Just in

one or two key scenes.

You give me the treatment.

I'll take care of Ernst von Koft.

Now we got something working for us.

Darling, they're playing our song.

There's somebody I'd like to have you meet.

Have you got a surprise?

Morty Linton?

This is Heinz von Croft.

A great pleasure, Mr. Linton.

Morty is the name.

We don't go for the formal bit around here. Just one big happy family.

Eh, Hal?

You make with the acting, I make with the directing, and no problem, see?

Our main idea is to bring in a picture as... Quickly as possible. The less we

take, the better. And cheaper, too.

Oh, I quite understand.

Ah, things have changed since the last time I worked in this studio.

I made some of my biggest pictures here. Yeah, sure.

Of course, you might as well get one thing straight right now, Mr. Von Kraft.

This isn't exactly going to be a big picture.

Strictly a low -budget deal. But it can be a very good picture, Mr. Lenton.

Great films are not made with money.

They are made with love, with care, with integrity.

And together, we can create a horror picture in the great tradition.

Not with a writer we got.

He ain't no Edgar Albert Poe.

Writers like Poe we can't afford anyway.

Times change, Mr. Fondroth.

Do they?

Gentlemen, in this very studio, 30 years ago, I played a monster.

I can make that monster walk again.

Fine!

Marvelous! Bravo!

That was wonderful, Mr. Farncroft! Don't you agree, Maurice? Yes, sure!

Bravo! I've been thinking about my characterization.

There are a few touches I might add. I'd like to use my own makeup.

Wonderful. Go ahead. Maybe you could play it without teeth.

A toothless vampire?

Wouldn't that be a little odd, Mr. Linton?

That Maury is always in there with the rib.

You go ahead, Mr. Moncroft.

Wake on makeup any way you like.

Mind waiting for me in the makeup room? I've got a few things to go over with

Maury. Only take a minute.

Maury!

I told you to let me run a test on him first. This guy is strictly cornball.

when he did the monster for us, it was hell.

Don't tell me you went for a speech about the great tradition and all that

You want the picture that's a solid grocer, not one of them cockamamie arts.

All right, Morty, all right.

Do it your way.

You haven't missed yet.

coffee. Well, good morning. Morning.

You're looking very well this morning. Let me see your makeup, darling. Oh,

wonderful, wonderful. Eddie!

Yeah? Just a minute, Morty.

Come on, Lara. Bye -bye.

More fangs.

Yes, Master.

I've been waiting for you, boy.

Got that new dialogue for this scene?

Mm -hmm. Right here. Let me see.

Okay. Lara, darling, you and Pops run through these changes.

Go ahead.

Mr. Von Croft.

Mr. Von Croft.

Here I am.

Don't be afraid, my dear.

There's no need to be afraid of me.

You smell of death.

Death? I bring you life.

kiss, and you shall join me to live forever.

No, no!

No, please, no!

No!

Okay, you got the idea.

Do you think it'll play, Freddy boy? Oh, I think that Mr. Von Croft could

inspire terror just by reciting the alphabet.

You two don't know each other, do you? This is Fred Logan.

at the screenplay.

Very fine job, Mr. Logan.

Look, Mr.

VanCraft, you and Lara go over it again and think up some business, huh? Yes.

You like?

VanCraft? He looks great.

Oh, never mind him. I mean the set.

Oh, the set. Oh.

Oh, well, that dummy up there, Morty, that looks pretty funny.

You know how the boss is about money.

You want he should pay 50 bucks to some stuntman just to hang there all day?

Morty, these changes you had me make in the scene, why all this dialogue?

I thought it would play better with just action.

Never mind what you thought. I want some close shots of Uncraft.

Why? It doesn't make any sense.

I ain't asking for opinions. What I want is cooperation.

You better give it to me, Freddy boy.

If you want to keep on eating.

Stand over next to the grave.

No, no, no. Not like that. You're supposed to be a high school kid.

Like this.

You're out in a graveyard alone at midnight.

Big deal.

The world is a girl doing in a graveyard at midnight and alone yet.

Just do like the script calls for.

And will you get rid of that gum?

Yes, master.

Now, Mr. Van Craft, when she discovers you in this scene, you are lying in the

coffin. Would you mind just trying it for size?

How does it feel?

Oh, yes, Mr. Linton.

This will be a great...

time, O .C.? Not since you wrapped up the picture.

How'd you like to write me another?

I wouldn't.

We'll see.

Come, let me pour you a drink.

I figure we can bring in a sequel fast and cheap.

I haven't struck the graveyard set. We can get Lara Lee and old, uh, what's his

name? Uh, Von Croft.

How is he?

Uh, I haven't seen him.

Gave him a ring tonight, told him to catch the pic down the street.

We're opening cold to the neighbors all over town. I haven't seen it yet myself.

Maury did a great job.

That's why I called you.

Hustle over and see it and take notes.

Notes? Are you kidding? This is Friday night.

Great kid audience.

Everything that sets them off, you make a note of it. Do a scene just like it in

the sequel.

Aren't you going to be there?

Are you kidding?

I got a weak stomach.

Maury is coming here later.

We look over the sets, see what they can save.

So hurry over and catch the show.

And remember, I want lots of notes.

There's no need to be afraid of me.

It helps me.

Helps me.

Do you mind?

The reason I came over here, came to see you,

I want to explain.

I've been sitting here ever since I came home.

Forget about it. That's my advice.

They did it deliberately.

Why?

Why?

Your friend, the director, was so convincing, said he needed all those

-ups of me, and you agreed.

somebody else's voice to make me look like a fool. Well, I had nothing to do

with it, so help me.

How could he do such a thing to me? Oh, now, look, don't take it so hard.

There'll be other chances, other pictures.

Not after what Morty Lenton has done to me.

I went to the theater expecting to see my comeback.

Instead, I found myself attending my own funeral.

That's right, my friend. Drink a toast.

Funcraft, the greatest laughingstock of them all.

May he rest in peace.

The voice of death. Sure, sure, I remember.

And these, the rappings when I played the mummy. Oh, great.

The greatest.

I saw it when I was a kid.

You didn't laugh at me then, did you? No.

No, nobody laughed at you then.

You were a monster.

You were the monster.

Von Krofft.

You're... You're strong.

No. What the

hell?

Help me.

Something comes.

I tried to stop him.

He knocked me down.

I hit my head.

Where? Where is he?

I don't know.

But you've got to find him.

But...

Yeah.

That's how he killed Morty.

I don't understand this vampire bit.

What was he trying to prove?

Something we should have remembered all along, Hal.

He was the greatest monster of them all.

Obviously, the lesson of that story is quite clear.

One should be careful what friends you hang around with, as in this business.

These girls are very carefully screened.

The one here, for example, the one lighting my pipe, she and I do not hit

off. She won't be here long.

See you in a moment.

Until next week, good night.