Original subtitles

good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to alfred hitchcock presents

i should explain i came down with a cold the broken leg was

a later development these nurses can become quite forceful at times the

national safety council has asked that i remind you that most accidents occur in

the home Therefore, this might be a very good place to avoid.

If you must be there, now would be an excellent time to check for those items

that may be lying around waiting to produce accidents.

Roller skates at the bottom of the stairs.

Poorly insulated wires near the bathtub.

Ground glass in the sugar bowl.

Arsenic in the coffee.

Little things which, if you don't find, you may regret for the rest of your

life. So much for accidents.

Now we come to the intentional part of our program.

say there, mister?

Yeah, you've got my place there.

I come around here every day, noon, 12 o 'clock sharp, and I sit right there not

longing my back to this pilot.

Yes, as a matter of fact, yeah, I'm two minutes late now.

Can you beat that?

I'm 93, and I have been more than two minutes late on any appointment I've

had.

Well, time is a science.

And you make good use of it, it'll double your life.

Yes, sir. The only reason I'm late now, I had to find my pills.

Oh, yes, I got it right here.

There.

Did you ever take these?

No, I never have.

Greatest little old pill in the world.

Something new. They call it thinkies.

Well, here goes.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure. It's a great life if you don't weaken.

Better get your line in the water. There's a big one right there. Huh?

Where? Right there.

I don't see it. He's going under the pier. Under the pier?

Now do you see him? No.

You will.

Mr. Predwell, please. Mr. Bonsicola.

This is a recording.

Recent scientific discoveries prove that speech is the most common carrier of

the common cold.

Therefore, in the interest of public health, we in this office are doing all

can to eliminate speech.

I do have to say a little something.

Turn to your right. please, and state your business directly to the telecam,

holding up any identification you have simultaneously.

State your business, please, to the telecam. Time is pressing.

Well, I'm J .J. Bontz. I'm here to see Mr. Treadwell.

I do have a card here somewhere.

I'm from the S .E .G.

State your business, please. You have not stated your business clearly.

I'm J .J. Bunce from the S .E .G. here to see Mr. Treadwell. I do have a card.

You have not stated your business clearly.

Look, will you just let me see the guy?

It's a personal matter. In fact, you might say it's real intimate.

You have stated your business clearly.

Go through the double doors to the first door on your left.

It's about time.

We're trying not to give you a disease. Why should you give us one?

Walk right in. You are welcome.

Mr. Fredwell. Mr.

Barnes. Oh, I'm sorry. I can't shake hands with you. One of the rules of our

firm. We've made a number of surveys, and we've found that wherever there's

human contact, there is contamination.

Now, what is this intimate matter?

Bunce. Society for Experimental Gerology.

Oh?

You've heard of it?

No.

Mr. Treadwell, if you're having this taped, I'd advise you to cut it off.

Sit down, Mr. Bunce.

What idea of work we're doing.

Society for Experimental Gerology.

You're collecting money for a hospital, Mr. Bond? Please, Mr. Treadwell, don't

confuse gerology with geriatrics.

Oh? Well, both words have the same Greek root, geris, meaning old.

Whereas geriatrics deals with diseases of the age, gerology deals with the

social problems arising out of age.

especially extreme age.

And I may add, sir, that the SEG is the most consecrated, the most dedicated

organization that I know of.

You seem to be something of a crusader, Mr. Puntz.

Sir, our outfit is the only one that's facing up to the situation, the most

tragic situation facing our modern society.

Well, if you'll let me speak to my secretary, I'll have her make you out a

check. We're not after money, Mr. Edwell.

No?

Our outfit believes in helping you first.

Helping me?

Then if you agree that you have been helped, then you pay the fee.

Mr. Bunce, I'm in my 50s. The way people are living today, I really don't see

how you could help me.

Mr. Treadwell, I have been studying your case for several months.

And believe you me, you are a serious case.

I've never been a serious case of anything in my life, Mr. Bunce.

John Treadwell, college graduate, lives in the Elysian Fields, New Jersey, likes

sailing, owns his own home, nine years of mortgage payments due, refrigerator

paid for, pool's not paid for, mother -in -law's facelifting not yet paid for.

Where do you get this? Late model car, 18 monthly payments yet to be made,

children's education not yet paid for, otherwise happily married for 27 years,

two teenage children, one older son and a daughter -in -law. Any errors, Mr.

Treadwell? Mr. Bunce, I have a great deal to do. You missed the last

Mr. Treadwell.

It deals with your mother -in -law, aged 82.

What about her?

She is your problem, Mr. Treadwell.

When your son married and moved out, she moved in. She lives with you day and

night. And she's driving you mad.

Mr. Bunce.

Mrs. Treadwell.

According to the latest geological statistical tables, your mother -in -law

should live, barring accident,

Another 32 years, nine months, six days.

32 years, nine months, and six days?

Oh, I beg your pardon, seven days.

That is, of course, barring accident.

What do you mean?

Well, an old lady might climb up a stepladder. She might slip in the

tumble off a pier.

I always say, Mr. Treadwell, that recognizing that we have a problem is

first step toward solution.

Now, when you want action, just let me know.

Mr. Bunce, I will not pretend that I'm in love with my mother -in -law, but if

you are suggesting that I have her done away with, that is the most fiendish

thing I have ever heard of. I am a man of principle.

A religious man.

I'm sorry you got personal, Mr. Treadwell. I was hoping to keep this...

My card's on your desk, Mr. Edwell.

I'll be expecting your call.

We thank thee for our many privileges. We thank thee for the comfort of our

home.

For the comfort of our home, we thank thee for the nourishment of our food. We

thank thee for one another.

Lord, grant us patience in times of tribulation. Grant us strength.

Yes, Mother. Who the heck turned off my intercom?

We turned it off, Mother, because we were just saying grace.

My TV set's busted.

I want you to come up here and fix it.

Now.

Mother, he can't come now. We're right in the middle of Grace.

Why did he have to buy me such a cheap scent, then?

I will come, Mother, just as soon as we finish Grace.

Well, hurry up, or I'll miss the roller derby.

Our father who art in space.

If you'll excuse me, dear, I... I think I'd better fix the television set.

Never mind.

I'll serve.

You know what I'd do? I'd get rid of her. I'd just get rid of her. Shh,

We all get old sometime.

Children, it's getting late. You should get to bed.

I gotta finish this. It's my project.

Boy, people are stupid.

Stupider than you?

Look at this crate. Twenty years ago, they thought it was the greatest.

I'm trying to ride.

Can you imagine taking four and a half hours across the country? How slow can

you get?

I said I'm trying to ride.

Oh, shut up.

Darling.

Would you mind very much not humming?

Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

What's that you're looking at?

It's a graph of the population growth according to increased age.

Rather astounding.

Darling, is anything the matter?

You seem so sad.

Just thinking.

If you'll excuse me, dear, I believe I'll turn in.

Daddy, if you're worried about something, why don't you take a thinky?

I don't need to think easy. I need to think hard. And would you mind turning

that music?

But, Daddy, it's soothing.

Yeah, Dad, that's all there is to it. I say turn it off!

But, John, the world needs silence.

Silence, like the outside of space.

Just imagine how quiet it must be beyond the last star.

All right.

I say let us live in that silence and no music and start thinking about the

meaning of life.

Yes, and the meaning of death, too, because death has a meaning.

And believe you me, it has a function.

Boy, did he goof off.

Maybe he's fallen in love or something.

Just be quiet, will you?

Well, remember three years ago when he went off skiing with his secretary?

He got mad then, too.

Why the heck did you do that?

It's too loud, Mother.

You won't be able to get away with this for very long, son. Just as soon as my

leg's mended, I'm going to be up and about.

Mother.

My, but you're getting a paunch.

I've been sitting in this chair for eight weeks and I look better than you

Mother, the noise is not good for you.

Don't you worry.

I'm going to live to be well over a hundred, no thanks to you.

Fine. But could you just manage to be a little more quiet about it?

Who wants to be quiet?

You'll be quiet a long time in your grave.

Oh, you young people, you don't know how to live. You're too solemn. You don't

enjoy life.

Did you do your setting up exercises this morning?

No, I did not.

You look like a rumpled pillow.

You know, things are not the same as when I was a girl. Thank goodness

not.

Change, change.

That's the great thing. That's the secret of life.

Used to be we lived to be 75 or 80. Now the lifespan's gone up to

125 and no end in sight.

So you just as well get used to me and stop turning off my intercom.

Oh, shut up!

Come in, Mr. Bun...

Well,

Mr. Treadwell, are you with us?

And even if you aren't with us, I trust you won't turn against us.

You know, the Attorney General himself is over 80 years old.

One report about us, and we're liable to end up in the Atomic Energy Chamber.

Don't worry.

Dear Mr. Treadwell, you still seem to have some doubts.

My dear sir, the tragic situation is that by the miracles of science, by

number, the old have come into power. They have the vote. Mr. Bunce, you don't

have to convince me on theoretical grounds.

Then on what grounds? The point is I detest my mother -in -law so much. I

to make sure that I'm joining your movement out of idealism and not through

personal pleasure.

Yes, I see what you mean.

And have you decided?

How would you do it?

Why do you have to leave that up to me?

Probably some household accident.

What if you bungled it? How could I bungle it? I know her well. I know her

habits. You know her.

How do you think I got all that information about you, Miss Treadwell?

I meet her in the park every Sunday after you leave her there.

No, I couldn't possibly tell you how I'm going to do it, Miss Treadwell.

You might feel some sense of guilt.

Could you at least tell me when it's going to happen?

How about Sunday morning?

You all go to church, and she goes to the park because she hates the preacher.

Yes, I rather think Sunday morning might be excellent.

That is, if I have your consent.

deals, Mr. Treadwell.

What's this?

In signing a pledge to our organization, Mr. Treadwell, you will be performing

one of the most praiseworthy acts of your life. I hereby promise to pay you

,000. You never said anything about money like this.

The occasion has never arisen before, Mr. Treadwell. But may I point out that

donation to a charitable organization such as ours is, of course, tax

deductible?

church. I suppose he's still dressing.

No, he went out.

Oh? Yeah, he pushed Grandma to the park.

Bye. What a beautiful morning.

Darling, you aren't even dressed. You'll be late for church.

I'm not going.

You're not going?

Why, John, you haven't missed church in 20 years.

Not going.

Do you mind if I ask why?

I'm going fishing.

Your what?

Don't look so alarmed. But, Daddy, you'll get arrested.

Don't you know they've passed a new law?

No fishing on Sunday. Who passed it?

Just last week.

The League for Elderly Democracy passed it. That's right, and now everyone has

to go to church.

But Grandma doesn't go to church.

That's because she has a health certificate.

If you're old enough, you can get a health certificate and you don't have to

That's why there's no one on the street Sunday morning.

Uh -huh.

I hadn't noticed that.

Well, of course not. You've always been in church.

Doesn't matter.

It's decided. I'm going fishing.

Really, Daddy?

Now, don't all look so alarmed. You don't have to call a lawyer and have me

committed.

I'm going to eat Big Jack, a fresh fluffy pancake, down in golden sparkling

syrup, and then I'm going fishing.

Well, children, we'll go to church.

It's called The Blessington Men.

After our founder, Mr. Ralph Blessington.

He saw the problem arising way back in the 60s.

Young man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I like your voice.

Of course, all forms of life grow, flower, fail, and fall.

It's a soothing voice.

Death is the compost of life.

Now, what is more wonderful for this spring's flowers than last year's rotten

leaves?

Death is built right into the universe for the enrichment of life.

Now, what do you suppose would happen if all the fish in the ocean suddenly had

the power not to die?

Why, in two weeks' time, the ocean would be so choked with fish, there wouldn't

be enough water left.

All fish would die.

So, when man in his infinite mischief upsets the order of things, infinite

mischief is bound to result.

Young man, I don't quite know what you're saying, but I know I don't like

Turn me around.

Mr. Treadwell.

It's done.

Death by accidental submersion.

Oh, dear.

Now, don't feel too badly, Mr. Treadwell.

It's in the past. Forget about it. You must think about the future.

Think about your children.

Now you can have the pleasure of watching them grow, flower into full

Think about your daughter.

Someday she'll marry.

Yes. Now, can't you picture in your mind's eye that handsome, strong, young

-in -law?

Can't you just feel the warmth of his hand clasp as he greets you?

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me that someday somebody from your group will come and

give my children ideas?

Honestly, Mr. Treadwell.

Can you imagine those affectionate, devoted youngsters ever possibly doing

the slightest harm, the slightest harm?

No, I... I guess not.

Well, Splendid. Now, you hold on to that thought. Keep it close to you at all

times. Cherish it.

It will be a great solace to you and a comfort to the very end.

told me I could take the cast off any time, but I find I receive much better

treatment with it on.

As for Mr. Bunce and Mr.

Treadwell, even their advanced society frowned on their activities.

By then, mothers -in -law were most numerous and even more powerful than

are today.

It's something to look forward to.

provided you're a mother -in -law.

Now, until next time, good night.