Original subtitles

Good evening interns, patients, and curiosity seekers.

One of the marvels of television is its educational value.

A few years ago, only a handful of people could have witnessed this rare

delicate operation.

Now, because of television, millions may witness this event, including the

subject herself.

for we are going to present her with a film of tonight's proceedings, together

with a projector, to say nothing of a beautiful charm bracelet, each charm to

represent a phase of the operation with replicas of each organ removed.

Incidentally, we call our program, this is your, a sentence we don't finish

until we see how the operation turns out.

And now, gentlemen, you may make the incision.

Stop. This is a dramatization.

Just a moment.

Just a moment. We forgot the anesthetic. However, I have something here.

that will put anyone to sleep in just 60 seconds.

There's no account, Piper.

I want you to see that it's given every courtesy.

Certainly, sir.

Is everything all right?

All right, sir.

Oh, you mean in the office?

Yes, sir, perfectly.

The counter business is a little slack, but then it usually is about now.

Well, that needn't affect our general morale, need it? Oh, it certainly need

not, sir.

I think everyone's working at tempo.

If not allegro, then certainly sostenuto, as we musically minded might

Surprised at you, Miss Manners.

You're going to get me fired.

That's the last thing I'd want.

Don't forget our luncheon date, 12 sharp.

Oh, but...

Mr.

Piper.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Manette. Good morning.

Uh, the usual 50s? That's right.

Oh, make it used ones this time, will you?

Last time you gave me new bills, they kept sticking together all night.

I found myself putting more than I wanted to into the pot.

Pot? Yeah.

You know, poker.

Oh, so you're a gambler, Mr. Manette. Well, only technically.

Gamblers are guys who think money talks.

Poker players listen to the cards.

I make a living playing the cards against the gamblers.

Now, don't tell me you're against gambling, Mr. Piper.

Oh, by no means.

As long as it's within one's means, of course.

Well, I figure it's the way you're made.

But some people, it's sport. You know, like golf or anything else.

Me, I got to exercise the old cranium.

Pretty strenuous exercise it is, too.

You got to train for it like any other exercise.

See, one of the secrets of my success is training, Mr. Piper. Is that so?

Most guys I do business with drink.

I don't.

Before I get in a game, I go home and sleep.

By the time the other guys can't tell the trays from the aces, I'm still

And sandbagging them.

Mr. Manette, forgive me. I don't know if you're aware of it, but we have a new

manager in the branch.

Oh?

And, well, you know the old saying about new brooms?

Oh, sure, I get you.

I suggest if you want to keep your account in this bank, you'd better not

discuss your profession quite so loudly.

Oh, I forgot.

Might get the place a bad name, huh?

Thanks, Mr. Piper.

Miss Manor.

Oh, yes, Mr. Piper. Would you file these, please? Put them in the vault.

you.

All set?

Let's go.

Oh, I can't possibly, Mr. Piper.

Mr. Farnsworth just gave me these bonds. I have to file them and return them to

the vault. But we'll miss our table.

Can't you do it after lunch?

Well, I dare't leave them just lying around.

Oh, is that all?

Oh, Mr. Cranford.

There we are.

Safe as Fort Knox.

Well?

Okay. No more, Mr.

Piper, really.

The name is George.

Well, that's very nice of you, but all the same, I think if you don't mind,

just keep it Mr. Piper.

Tell me, my dear, what's wrong?

Wrong?

Yes, what have you got against me?

Nothing.

That is, nothing.

I'm too old for you, is that it?

I don't know how old you are.

Well, let's say you'd like me better if I was younger.

Not a matter of likes or dislikes.

May I be honest?

Well, isn't that what I'm asking?

Well, a girl has to look out for herself, doesn't she?

And not that I listen to gossip, but...

From what I hear, I'm not the first girl you've asked out from the bank, and if

what they say is true, well, it never comes to anything.

Oh, not that it has to, of course, but with younger men, there's always a

that it may become serious, where, as everyone says... Who is this everyone

keep referring to?

Well, the girls at the bank.

Oh, I see.

Well, you can't expect them not to talk, can you?

Well, as I said, with a younger man, there's always a chance that they may be

willing to take a gamble.

Oh, my dear.

I don't think anyone's ever been able to reproach me with being afraid of a

gamble. As a matter of fact... Well, look who's here. George, you old so -and

-so. What are you doing here?

This is my brother, Miss Manners, a fellow employee at the bank.

Oh, how very nice.

Must be quite pleasant having someone as agreeable as you around all day, Miss

Manners. Fred.

Oh, George, I've been wanting to get a hold of you.

I've got a proposition that might interest you.

Tell you what, I'll give you a call sometime this evening.

Nice meeting you, Miss Manners. Thank you.

Yes, then we could have dinner and take in a picture.

Oh, you can't, huh?

Well, maybe you could stop in for a drink anyway.

Just a second, Barbara.

Who is it?

It's me, Fred.

Come on in.

You'll have to excuse me, Barbara. I'll call you later.

Mm -hmm.

Bye, my dear.

You certainly live it up.

Well, I hope you're not going to be long. I have a date this evening.

Most every other evening, eh, Georgie boy?

You certainly know how to pick them. That was quite a doll you were having

with today.

May I?

What do you want to see me about?

George, have you ever thought about what's going to happen to you in a few

years' time?

You're going to be on the shelf.

Pensioned off, given the old buzzeroo.

And on what, half your basic?

Things aren't going to get any cheaper. You aren't going to stop wanting what

you've always had.

And what you want isn't going to get cheaper.

Food, wine, girls, particularly girls.

Pardon my vulgarity, dear boy.

No.

No, I won't pardon it. You are vulgar, disgustingly vulgar.

You think I haven't faced the problem of retirement, of old age?

I'd give anything not to have to face it, but don't worry, I'll find a way.

That's my boy, that's my Georgie boy. I always said you had it in you. Oh, shut

up. No, no, I mean it. You may not have been in the dough, but you've always

lived like you were. And what you've had, they can't take away from you.

As for what's to come, well, that's what I want to talk to you about.

What you need right now is the kind of investment that'll bring you in that

extra bit of cash to make things easier for you when the... Okay, okay, put it

any way you like, but what you need is additional income.

Am I right?

Well, boy, I've got the very thing right here.

As nice a little proposition as I've ever had to deal with. Now, really,

No, no, this is solid.

Look, I've got the figures right here to prove it.

All that's wrong is that it's been run into the ground through sheer

incompetence. Now, here, look.

Let's take a look at that.

I can't believe it.

How anyone could have let a fine business like this run down.

His old man built up this business. Now all he thinks he has to do is milk it.

And boy, has he milked it.

Not that it couldn't be put back on its feet again. And that's where we come in.

Right now, a 50 -50 share would cost us only 10 ,000.

10 ,000? Oh, he'd soon run that into the ground. Then we'd be able to take over

the whole shebang. Just a little maneuvering.

And how much of the 10 ,000 are you prepared to put up? Oh, come on now,

You know how I'm fixed.

But you must have a nice little nest egg stowed away.

Must I? Oh, sure.

And if not, well, there are ways and means. I mean, a man in your position

all that ready cash at your disposal?

Are you by any chance suggesting that I embezzle the bank's money?

Don't tell me you've never thought of it.

Well, of course I've thought of it.

I'm sure a great many tellers have weighed the chances, and not one who

had the sense to realize that he hasn't got a chance. Okay, okay.

Personally, I'd rather take a chance on a straightforward holdup than try to

bamboozle the bank examiners. There isn't a trick those babies aren't onto.

All right, forget it.

Embezzlement. Oh, no.

Really, my dear Freddy, why not blackmail? As a matter of fact,

and away the safest form of crime there is.

Provided, of course, one takes reasonable precaution. You'd make a

blackmailer. Now, don't be impertinent.

All the same, I fancy I have certain qualities that might have proved useful

I chosen to embark on a life of crime.

But blackmail?

No, I don't think so. I haven't the patience.

You know, that's my greatest weakness, impatience.

Something more immediate, more dramatic.

A murder, for instance.

Yes, why not?

Given the right subject.

Now, this client I was telling you about. Perfect.

Mixes in questionable circles.

Known to go around at night with quite large sums of money on him.

No one likely to be seriously upset by his death.

Well, in every way a suitable victim.

Now... All that remains is to choose the time when he has the required amount on

him and to dispose of the money in such a way that it could never be traced.

Swallow it, for instance.

You know what I would do in my position?

I'd rent a safety deposit box at a suburban bank.

Under a phony name, of course.

Well, good point.

You're learning.

But I might not be able to put the money into the box for a few days.

So until that time, you'd put it in a sock and hide it in your dresser.

No.

No, I'd put it where they'd never think to look.

Where it would become utterly invisible.

And where would that be, Houdini?

You tell me.

Well, I will as soon as it comes off.

In the meantime, you don't mind if I look somewhere else for the money, do

Hmm? Georgie boy?

I'm afraid that'll only leave a couple of hundred or so on the account.

$246 .38.

Hey, that's all right.

Have you got all your accounts figured like that?

No, no.

I'm afraid I'll have to go to the vault for this. It's quite a large amount.

The usual fifties. Hey, why don't you rub it a little for luck, huh?

Some of it may rub off on you.

I... I hope so, Mr. Manette. I certainly hope so.

Fred,

where have you been?

It's I, George.

Fred, do you remember that business proposition you talked to me about?

Yes, well, is it still open?

Well, I'm expecting a little windfall and I... Gambling?

Yes, in a sort of way.

I just wanted to know if it was still open.

Good.

Good, then I'll let you know.

Good evening, Mr. Manette.

Well, good to see you, Mr. Piper.

Not so loud, please.

You know how it is with a bank. I shouldn't be here at all.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Newbrew.

Come on in.

Now, what's this all about?

Well, I think I overpaid you this afternoon.

I mean, I'm short on my cash, Tally, and the bank examiner's at you first thing

Monday morning.

Well, let's just count it and see, huh?

Fix yourself a drink.

Thanks.

Hey, you sound pretty chirpy for a Monday morning, Mr. P. Come into a

something? Or something.

Good morning, Mr. Martin. Good morning.

Good morning, my dear.

Good morning, Mr. Piper.

How about lunch today?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. No, no, no, I won't take no for an answer.

Millie, there's something very important that I have to ask you.

Very important.

Look... Boss wants you. Sounds important.

What's the matter, Mr. Piper?

Nothing serious, I hope.

Serious?

You look so strange.

Oh, it's the thought of what I have to ask you.

Until lunch, then.

Or as they say in Italy, arrivederci.

I just can't believe it. I mean that it should be one of our accounts.

Oh, come in, Piper.

Piper, this is Sergeant Henderson from the police.

How do you do?

It seems that one of our depositors has been murdered.

Yes, I read it in the paper.

The name stood out because Mr. Manette always came to my station. I was just

about to come and tell you about it when you sent for me.

Well, go on, Sergeant.

What we found was a checkbook on this bank.

The last step in it showed a check to cash for $15 ,000.

The money wasn't in the apartment.

Yes, sir. He cashed a check for that amount Friday afternoon. I gave it to

in 50s. There's only 100 or so left in the account.

Good. Do you have the serial numbers?

No, we don't usually note them.

Well, at least we can establish that he left here Friday afternoon with 15 ,000

in cash on him.

As of now, you're the only one who knew he had it.

Well, I could hardly be expected not to know, could I?

I also know of several other depositors who left the bank with large amounts of

cash on them. Okay, okay. Now, just for the record, where were you Friday night?

Say, between 5 p .m. and 10.

In my apartment, reading.

Piper here has been with the bank for more than 30 years. He has an impeccable

record. Of course he knew that this man had the money. But if you were by the

slightest chance suggesting that Piper here might have done it, would he have

left his checkbook there to lead you here, Sergeant? Don't get excited, Mr.

Farnsworth. At Manette's apartment, nobody saw anything, nobody heard

nobody left any fingerprints that shouldn't be there.

Ballistics probably can't trace the weapon. So Mr. Piper could have done it

as well as anyone else.

Only he didn't.

Nobody who's been a bank teller for 30 years would leave himself that wide

So we'll just have to go about it in the usual way.

Pass the word around and wait till somebody starts flashing $50 bills.

Thanks for the information.

Don't mention it. Sergeant, would it be possible to avoid publicity to the bank?

I'm sure there will be some way that we can show our appreciation.

There wouldn't be any way you could do that, Mr. Farnsworth.

This is bad, Piper. This is very bad.

We'll be blamed for having accepted an account from such a fellow.

But it was a good account, Mr. Fonz. Not that good, Piper. Not that good.

I suppose that detective reports that I tried to bribe him. Oh, he won't.

Besides, they may never catch anyone.

In that case, we just keep quiet and no one need know anything about it. Don't

be a fool, Piper.

You know perfectly well that I have to report this downtown.

And then I've tried to explain exactly why we took this account.

You may not know this, Piper, but my name is being considered for a vice

presidency of the back.

Now what do you think will happen?

Oh, come now, Mr. Farnsworth. I'm sure you're making a mountain out of a mole.

You think so, huh? You think they select vice presidents from among branch

managers whose depositors get murdered?

And even the way we carried it will make it worse.

Green goods broker.

Yes, but you could hardly be expected to know the kind of green goods, Mr.

Farnsworth.

They'll understand.

Understand nothing.

All they'll understand is that I didn't know who I was doing business with.

You, uh...

I said that he always came to your station.

Now, do you mean to tell me that there was nothing to give you an inkling about

Manette?

I ask you a question, I expect you to answer it.

Well, perhaps Mr. Manette did say things now and then that may have made me

suspicious.

But it was a good account on the books. It was helping the branch standing, and

that was good for you, Mr.

Farnsworth.

If I did wrong in keeping my suspicions to myself, I did it with the best of

intentions. You know what the road to hell is paved with, don't you?

Mr. Farnsworth, I've had over 30 years' service with this company.

You just said it was an impeccable record.

I've never been reprimanded. If a reprimand is called for in this case,

ready to accept it from those who've known me much longer than you have. What

boils down to is that you didn't report an account about which you were

suspicious.

And now you're standing on your record and claiming the right to make one

mistake, huh?

Well, I've got news for you. I have absolutely nothing to lose and perhaps a

great deal to gain by taking decisive action.

Send in Martinson, will you please?

You, Piper, are fired.

You can't do that. My record. I can't do that. We'll see about that. Come in

here.

Yes, sir.

Martinson, as of this minute, you take over as head teller.

Very well.

I'll just count up. No.

You tally out Piper's case.

You heard what I said?

Give him the key, Piper.

The key, Piper, the key!

I can now report.

that the operation was a huge success.

Our patient now has what she wanted.

Perfect measurements.

36, 0, 36.

So much for operation, operation.

Now a word from you -know -who, after which I shall toddle back.

I'm sorry to say that after further consideration,

The girl on whom we operated became unhappy with the results.

She learned that two cannot live as cheaply as one.

For one thing, she had to buy a sidecar for her motorcycle.

Things like that.

So while she's pulling herself together, I would like to say that I shall be

back next week with another play. Until then, good night.