Original subtitles

Good evening, senors and senoras, and members of our little Book of the Week

club.

Originally, I was to play a different role, but I proved to be a rather bulky

bookmark.

Tonight's little volume takes us to exotic nearby Mexico, home of the

the bullfight, and the 40 -hour coffee break.

It is called The Diplomatic Torpse.

Allow me.

Desert. That's all it is, desert.

Nothing but sand and rocks and a few wretched palm trees.

Well, don't forget the geraniums, Auntie.

Chin up, darling.

We've only got another week of it.

Geraniums belong in pots, not growing wild all over the place like worms.

Well, after all, Auntie, this is California.

For the life of me, Janet, I cannot understand why you would want to leave

England for this.

It's easy, Auntie.

This is where my husband lives.

Where are we now, Evan?

We're just coming to an old Spanish mission.

It's very historic. It's over 200 years old.

Westminster Abbey was consecrated in 1050. That's over 900 years old.

This style of architecture was brought up from Mexico by the Franciscan monks.

Now admit it, Auntie. It's a lovely old building.

It's certainly an improvement on those biscuit tins that Evan builds.

Evan is a modern architect and a very good one, too.

If that's what the people of California want, they're welcome to it, believe me.

But for myself, I'm sure that I shall prefer Mexico.

How far is it, Evan?

Oh, Tijuana's about 55 or 60 miles.

Well, why don't we go there?

I think I should enjoy it. Well, it's out of the question, Auntie.

If you leave the country, your visitor's permit will be invalidated.

Rubbish. We'll only be there a few hours. What possible difference can it

Oh, Evan's right, Auntie. They're awfully strict.

They wouldn't let you back in the country.

Well, they let you in, won't they?

Yes, of course. But then, well, Evan was born here, and I'm a citizen now.

All right.

I'll be a citizen, too, if they ask me.

With your accent, it won't work, Auntie.

All right. I'll tell you what we can do. We can drive up to the border and look

across. Oh, no. No, that's not the same thing at all. I want to go to Mexico.

I'm leaving next week, and it's my only chance. Now, come along. Let's get

going.

Where are you going, please?

Just down to Tijuana for some shopping.

We'll be back in a few hours.

Driver.

Auntie, wake up.

We've got a surprise for you. You're in Mexico.

Auntie, it's safe to wake up now.

The moment I touched her hand.

It's too hot. Get the pills out of her bag.

She's cold. All the time we thought she was asleep.

Well, get her to a doctor. I've been hurrying. It's too late.

She's dead.

Panic, darling.

I want all the pizza.

All right, then. Let's get you that drink.

Do you speak English?

Un poquillo.

Well, could you direct us to a doctor?

Sure. Dr.

Gomez. Down the street. Big sign. Front of house.

Thanks. Here.

Keep the change. Gracias.

I don't want a strange doctor.

To take Auntie home to Dr. Elliott.

It's just a formality, honey.

She fills out the death certificate. That's all there is to it.

Now, Janet, I don't want to sound callous about this, but I'm not going to

hypocrite either.

She was an old tyrant.

We put up with her crazy whims for only one reason.

Supposing.

Well, I am her niece, her only relative. There's no reason why we should feel

guilty after all.

We earned anything we inherit. Nobody can say that we didn't. Exactly.

How much did you say the old girls were?

Oh, well... A neighborhood of 30

,000 pounds.

And that's a very exclusive neighborhood.

Somebody's stolen it. We've got to call the police.

Yes. No!

Are you crazy? How are we going to explain the fact we smuggled a corpse

Mexico?

We've got to find Andy.

How?

Well, we'll get someone we can trust. A lawyer. A private detective.

You're worried. You're troubled. I can see that clearly.

Of course, only the troubled ones come to Tomas Algaro, but if I'd met you on

the street, I could have seen that.

Because, you see, we detectives, we have to be students of human nature.

Just a little precaution.

Yes, I'm a specialist in creep investigations.

By the way, who recommended it?

The bartender at that cantina. I forget the name of it.

Bartender? That's El Toro. Very nice. It has atmosphere.

Now, your problem, senorita, of a delicate nature, yes?

No. My name is Evan Wallace, and this is my wife.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I... I could see that right away.

Our car was stolen.

We don't want to embarrass anybody, but we do want it back. Can you help us?

Unquestionably. May I have the circumstances?

Certainly.

It was taken less than an hour ago from the front of the cantina, the El Toro.

It's a black 57 sedan.

Black sedan.

License number NLK 766.

Five, darling.

765.

765. And how long do you intend to stay in Tijuana?

We'll be leaving as soon as we get our car back.

And that's why we came to you, Mr. Salgado. Well, we don't want to go

lot of red tape and filling out reports and that sort of thing. And, boy, you

know what I mean.

Oh.

The car, she's hot, yes?

The car, she is hot to know.

We didn't steal it. It's registered in our name.

Then there's no objection to the police knowing. Oh, certainly not.

No, we just want to avoid a lot of official complication.

There will be none of that. I guarantee you, you'll have the car back within 24

hours. Where are you going to stay?

Well, we... We aren't staying anywhere.

I guess we'll have to stop at a hotel.

In that case, may I recommend the Bella Vista?

Great job.

Thank you.

What's your fee, Mr. Salgado?

Let's see.

You're in a great hurry, so I'll have to put every available man on a case.

That means five times the expenses.

Seventy -five. Got two, which is twenty -five.

overtime five times, that will be 150 pesos.

How much is that in American money?

Approximately $20.

Well, all right. No, it's not all right. You will kindly pay in advance.

Gracias, senor.

And everything up to Salgado.

Don't worry, and enjoy your stay in Tijuana.

Muchas gracias.

It's just like her.

Why did she have to die in Mexico?

Why couldn't she die in front of that monastery?

Darling, would you stop pacing and get some rest? You're not resting.

I keep thinking about poor Auntie.

What about poor us?

If Salgado finds the car, he's sure to know about Auntie.

And all we can do is...

Offering money.

Keeping quiet.

How much have you got?

I don't know.

About $15, I think.

I've got about $50.

Who is it?

Chief of Police, Manuel Herrera.

Mr. Evan Wallace?

Yes.

Yes, I'm Evan Wallace.

May I come in, please?

Yes.

My wife?

Signora. What did you do?

I want you to sit down.

You are the owner of a 57 black sedan, California license NLK 765?

Yes. The car was stolen from you?

The theft was not reported to the police?

No. I thought... I intended to tomorrow.

Instead, you retained the services of Juan Tomas Salgado to locate your car.

this so?

Yes, sir. A car answering your description has been recovered by the

department.

You will come downstairs with me and identify it.

All right.

May I get my coat?

I'll wait.

Did you cross, senor?

Yes. It's my car.

Examine it, please.

Tell me if any damage has been done to it.

Anything missing, senor?

No, no.

No, there's nothing missing.

Then I would suggest that the next time you have difficulty in Tijuana, you

inform the police.

That is exactly what Domingo Sagado did after pocketing the money you paid him.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience you've been causing, Mr. Wallace.

The car was taken merely for a joyride by a juvenile.

Again, my apologies.

I hope you will come back to Tijuana.

Good night.

He's taken her out of the car.

The police?

No, it couldn't have been. They said something. Probably arrested me.

Oh, Evan.

Let's get out of here. Let's go home as fast as we can. We can't.

Without the body, we can't prove she's dead.

We won't get the money.

We've got to find Annie. And that crook Salgado's going to help us. Get in the

car.

What, a few words with you, Salgado?

Yes. Oh, how nice you came to say goodbye.

I was afraid I would not see you again.

You mean you were afraid you would?

I do not understand.

Your trouble, she was resolved?

Satisfactorily, yes. It certainly wasn't. If we wanted the police to find

car, we wouldn't have needed you.

You didn't do a thing for the money we paid you.

But the car, she was returned in good order, yes?

Yes. And within 24 hours, no?

No thanks to you.

No inconveniences? No forms to fill up? No red tape?

No. And yet he comes here and he complains he's not satisfied.

Why? Well, there's more to it.

Uh -huh.

Can we talk here?

If you don't raise your voice.

Would you like a drink?

No.

Salgado. Can we trust you? Trust me with your life.

No police from now on? Of course.

Well, the reason we came down here was because of my wife's aunt. She wanted to

see Mexico.

She was in the car when it was stolen.

Uh -huh.

Kidnapping? No.

At least I don't think so.

You see, she's dead.

Murder? No, no, nothing like that.

She died of a heart attack.

Before she was kidnapped?

Yes, of course.

She was dead when we crossed the border.

Tell me, you know, you can depend on me. I'm a specialist in this question, but

why did you bring a corpse into Mexico, huh?

Mr. Salgado, we didn't know.

Well, we thought she was asleep.

It wasn't until after we crossed the border that we discovered that she was

dead.

Before we could locate a doctor, the car was stolen.

And when the police brought the car back, the body was gone.

We simply have to find it.

Her?

Well, it can be done for you or anything.

Of course, it will be a little expensive.

Well, how much is it going to cost me?

Let's see.

Just tools of my trade.

Now, never mind the estimate.

Just give me a flat price.

Flat price?

300 pesos.

Now. I guarantee results later.

All right.

But you'd better work fast.

If somebody else finds that body, I want my money back.

Then he would need it for a defense attorney.

If I have to stay in this room one more minute, I'm going to go raving mad.

That went off my rocker an hour ago.

Have some tacos.

I'm not that hungry.

Coffee?

Good news.

So, God, where have you been?

I've located a man who knows exactly where he is.

Who?

The thief.

Who else could have removed the body? Who else would know where she's hidden?

Only one, the thief, my friend, Rafael.

Well, why couldn't you think of that this morning?

Where is he?

Unfortunately, he's in jail.

Well, can you get in to see him?

No, we have to get him out.

Why?

Why?

Because freedom will loosen his tongue.

You understand?

I'm afraid I do.

How much is it going to cost me?

Flat price?

Ten dollars.

If it's more, I'll pay it out of my own pocket.

Well, now, that's darn nice of you, considering I own that pocket of yours.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Hello,

hello, hello, hello.

May I introduce my little amigo, Rafael.

He's the thief.

Well, son, you're out of jail. Now, tell us where you hid the body.

What'd he say?

Says he speaks no English.

Well, you ask him.

I did ask him.

He says there was no body because she was empty.

He's lying. He hid it someplace.

You make him tell us the truth.

I believe he's telling the truth.

I have it.

There are two thieves.

The one who meant to keep it and my little amigo who just took her for a

Doesn't make any sense, does it, Evan?

My deductions are always correct now.

If I were the thief, what would I do? I find a car in front of the El Toro.

So I steal her and I drive her away. I'm happy.

Until... Caramba.

It contains a dead body. Now... What if the police, they catch me, they think

I've murdered her? I drive the car into the alley.

I run and I run and I run.

Hours pass.

And then, then my little amigo comes and he sees the car. And she's

beautiful. Now, it is a temptation. He knows it's wrong, but he's young.

And he takes her for a ride.

You see, my deductions are correct.

The mystery she solved.

Fine, fine.

Now tell us where the body is.

The body?

I don't know everything.

After we pay the hotel bill, we'll have exactly $22.

All we can do now is go home without the body and make up some story.

And give up our inheritance.

Well, we could report it to the police, but it'll sound kind of fishy.

Why do we wait so long to report it?

Please.

Good news.

What do you want?

I'm exhausted.

I'm completely exhausted.

From what?

From what?

From thinking.

Now, let me try to explain. You see, all Mexicans are very religious people, and

for any Mexican to deny the final rights to a departed soul, it's unthinkable.

Now, based on this fact, my brilliant deduction led me to investigate the

where Rafael found the abandoned car.

You know where?

Where?

front of a funeral home.

You mean the body's there now?

You're positive?

Positive. Oh, thank heaven.

Evan, how are we going to get it across the border?

Well, we can't smuggle her across.

Oh, no, no, no.

You see, there's no death certificate and no identification, so...

You'll have to leave the necessary arrangements up to me. Of course, there

be a slight fee.

Now look, I've only got $22.

That's the price.

Not enough, but I'll pay for the rest.

I know.

Out of your own pocket.

Don't let that worry you.

They're searching the hearth.

Did you say we'll inherit?

For 30 ,000 pounds.

You don't think there's going to be an inquiry?

Certainly not.

Dr. Elias knows she had a bad heart.

We'll just examine the body and make out a certificate.

Yep.

Will you come in, please?

Of course.

Doctor.

There's something wrong, is there?

You have no doubt that it was a natural death?

No. Death was due to natural causes.

But... We'll have to go back to

Mexico.

I'm going to murder that crook, Salgado.

Oh, well, what can you expect from people who go out in the noonday sun?

This, of course, was not the end of our travelogue.

The Wallaces eventually recovered Mrs. Tate's body, but this only led to

dilemma. Mrs. Tate had always scorned the beauties of burial in Southern

California. Nor could they afford to ship her back to England.

So they did the next best thing and had her buried at sea.

By the way, you probably think I'm Alfred Hitchcock.

He's Alfred. I am Omega.

Good night.