Original subtitles

Rory, what you doing over there?

I typed up a list of stuff I'm going to sell online.

People will buy anything.

Rory, give it up. No one's going to give you any cash for your crap.

They will at sellyourcrapforcash .com.

Rory, you can't sell all your toys.

These are your childhood memories.

Mom, I've got a girlfriend now.

Childhood memories don't pay for the movies, popcorn, and the lattes.

Lattes? Yeah, Missy's an uptown girl.

I married an uptown girl.

And now I live in my daughter's basement.

Well, I do.

Hey, on traps, don't get up.

I think congratulations are in order.

You're looking at the new security consultant for Franklin Glenn Mall.

You're a mall cop?

Bridget, listen to me. It's not that hard.

I'm a security consultant at the mall.

First college and now a job.

You're almost ready for big boy pants.

You know, I dropped your comb in the toilet this morning.

Mom, there's an art program in Europe this summer and our teachers recommended

bunch of us. It's only $2 ,000. Can I go?

Oh, only $2 ,000.

Well, sure. I'll just let one of the houseboys go.

Hey, if she doesn't go, can we get some houseboys?

Mom, I've always wanted to see...

myself in the art world. She just wants to see the statue of David's wiener.

Real mature.

Yeah, come on, Rory. She wants to see his butt, too. Nice.

Oh, come on, Mom. Can I go? Please, please, please?

Well, honey, as compelling as C .J. and Rory's argument is, and as much as I

would love you to go, $2 ,000.

You know, when Bridget needed extra money, she got a job.

Oh, my God.

Never been used as an example before.

What are you talking about?

There are help -wanted signs all over the food court at the mall. Forget it. I

will never, ever work in a disgusting food court.

Welcome to Davy Crockett's. Remember the Alamo?

Burger.

Oh, look at my little girl, her first job.

Her skin's gonna break out so bad.

All right, honey, smile.

Say cheese.

Shoot me now.

It's so humiliating that Carrie has to wear that.

I know.

Couldn't you at least get her a job at Starbucks or something?

Yeah, but then we couldn't do this. Ew!

Bridget, I saw you swipe that drink.

I didn't swipe anything.

Refills are free.

No, no, Ma Barker. Let me tell you something.

Only free refills are free, okay? Guess how much 35 cent refills cost.

Don't get a brain jam.

Tell you what.

I'm going to let you two slide on this one with a warning.

But I got my eye on you, okay? Hey, Mr. Renacop, we're so... Hey, no, no, no.

What are you going to do? Take us to mall jail?

Don't you laugh at me. Don't you laugh at me. Look at Carrie.

Thank you. You're number 79.

Zach! What is going on? We're out of fries again?

Okay, here's an idea. When you take out one batch of fries, put another one in.

It'll almost be like we're in the business of selling them.

How did you get this job anyway?

I was like, I need a job.

everybody. Sorry.

No, no, no. Don't be.

You know, Carrie, I think you got what it takes to make it in the fast food

industry.

What's that? More skills than Zach?

I was gonna, like, ask you out, but you can, like, now forget it.

Don't worry about him.

He's still gonna ask you out.

But you can't go because rank and file can't date assistant managers.

Assistant manager?

I only worked here five days.

Yeah, and you showed up for all five.

That's a new Davy Crockett record.

So what do you think?

Well, I'm mortified.

This job was supposed to get me to Italy and France, not become my career.

An extra buck fifty an hour.

Merci beaucoup.

Well, the money is rolling in.

I'm this much closer to a night in the town with my lady.

You've already gotten paid, but all this stuff is still sitting in the dining

room. We haven't even sent it off yet.

Oh, I get it.

Maybe it's just too hard to say goodbye to Piggy McPig Pig.

It's just crap.

Even though he was your first kiss?

Shut up.

And it's she.

Besides, going to the post office is just such a hassle. Well, it's going to

even a bigger hassle when people start canceling their check.

Representing your couch, taking you to court, leaving you no alternative but to

change your name to initials.

Hypothetically.

I have no idea how hard it is to run an efficient hamburger stand.

You're right. I wouldn't know anything about feeding a bunch of hungry, angry

teenagers who want what they want when they want it. Let me tell you, it's not

easy.

You know, I just have to say, I think it is great that everyone in this house is

working. Except Grandpa.

slacker. Now, Grandpa's worked his entire life.

Unlike you, who's worked for, what, five minutes?

Nonetheless, I'm very proud of all of you.

Not easy with all these mouths to feed.

Are you listening, Grandpa?

Is that what I am? Another mouth to feed? Oh, now, now, Dad, it's just a

Don't let CJ get under your skin.

Yeah, CJ, when are you going to start contributing?

Now that you've got that prestigious mall cop job.

I don't even live here anymore.

I am totally self -sufficient. By the way, this isn't chunky.

Well, I can't even stop by for a snack.

Oh, no. Come by any time for a $5 jar of peanut butter.

Well, look at Goodbye Mr. Chips over there. He's got more food in the hair

his chest than I eat in a month.

That is such a lie.

Well, now, come on, Dad.

You've got to admit, you like your chips.

Hey.

Just saying that you like your chips.

Then don't buy the damn chips if I'm such a burden, such a mouth to feed.

It doesn't count that I spent 50 years providing for my family, sending you and

your sister through college.

Fine. I'll just get a job like the rest of you. Oh, now, Dad, don't be

ridiculous. You don't have to get a job.

plenty around here. Come on, I'm just kidding. But for the record, when it

to chips, you're like a machine.

There must be someone out there willing to hire a man of my experience in

engineering. Hey, Carrie, don't you have that We Hire Old People program where

you work?

Bridget, no, come on. Yeah, I think Grandpa qualifies. Can you get him a job

there? You are the boss.

He is old.

Bridget, Grandpa was an engineer. There is no way he's going to work in the

disgusting food court in the mall.

Welcome to Davy Crockett's. Remember the Alamo burger.

Okay, dude. Um, let me have a triple Alamo burger, dude.

What happened to please, dude?

$67, please.

Is this yours, dude?

Whoa, dude.

I don't think I remember ordering the side of dude.

Um, excuse me, Jim. Is there a problem?

Jim? I'm your grandfather, Gary.

Look, I'm sorry for any trouble you may have had. Jim, please apologize.

Apologize? I'd sooner eat the food here.

Jim!

Look, I apologize.

Your meal's on us. Zach, can you take the register? Jim, can I talk to you for

second? Only for a second. I've got a cigarette break coming up, and I'm

a bit antsy.

What are you doing? You can't talk to customers like that. Don't yell at me,

Carrie. You know I changed your diapers.

Did you wash your hands?

Right now, you work for me.

And where is your hat? I don't like it. It makes my head itch.

Besides, when I put it down, Zach threw it in the fryer later. He is such a

gutter.

Excuse me, ladies.

Oh, my God.

Shouldn't you and Scooby -Doo be out solving the mystery of the dead -end

Is this her?

Oh, yeah.

That's her, all right.

She's the movie stealer.

I'll take it from here, friend.

Thank you. Movie stealer? What are you talking about?

Move along, people. Nothing to see here.

Hey, you.

I said, move it along.

Nothing to see in this parameter.

What are you doing? He's gone. Now you can let me go. I'm afraid I can't do

that. It would violate the oath I took as mall security.

What oath?

The oath I took that says, blah, blah, blah, 5 .15 an hour, blah, blah. Let's

go.

Oh, what the hell did I do now?

$137 .50? That can't be right.

Just give me five bucks.

Okay, you got me. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You think mall jail's funny?

It's not plugged in.

Shut up.

so... You should have thought of that before you filled two hours of motion

picture entertainment.

I didn't steal anything, okay? Maybe I went to the bathroom and when it came

out, I accidentally went into the wrong theater for a second.

Went into the wrong theater?

You think you're talking to some stupid rookie cop walking a food court beat for

the first time? Huh? Sister?

You're into peep stuff here, Winona.

Movie poaching is a serious offense.

Why don't you make it easy on yourself?

Avoid the needle. Start squawking. Admit it.

I am not going to admit to something I didn't do.

Besides, what do you do? Have me arrested?

Worse.

We're going to ban you from the mall.

Oh, hi, Rory.

You fixed the lamp.

Yeah, all it needed was a new light bulb.

Well, thank you. You're welcome.

Calico Cat Lady 1274 is going to love this.

Uh, wait a minute. You can't sell my stuff.

But I'm all out of my stuff, man.

Now, until you buy me more stuff, I've got to sell your stuff.

Are you insane, Mom?

Well, crap doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Am I insane?

Look at this. These are your grandfather's reading glasses.

And Bridget's hairbrush?

People pay a lot of money for hair that thick and shiny.

People will buy Bridget's hair?

People will buy Jessica Simpson's hair.

Well, if it isn't my little worker bees.

Dinner's going to be a little late.

Don't worry about me. I've got my own dinner.

What's that?

Alamo chicken nuggets.

Guaranteed 100 % pure chicken products.

No beaks.

That should keep this mouth fed for a week or two.

Oh, and I'm going to take my shower. Kate?

I'll be sure and keep time so you can send me my fair share of the water bill.

Dad, I was just kidding. I don't care if you take a 30 -minute shower.

That wasn't a 30 -minute shower.

I fell.

Rory sold my chair.

Okay,

what's wrong?

All right, Carrie, I have to start dinner.

School or boys?

I hate my job.

But, honey, you were feeling so good about your promotion.

I know, until I found out I have to give everyone an evaluation.

I supervise a bunch of slackers. If I'm honest, I may get someone fired.

Well, maybe some of those people deserve to be fired.

There's this guy who really sucks, but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Oh, honey, let me help.

Look, it's really sweet that you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

Even if one of your little friends has to learn a tough life lesson, it doesn't

mean that you should shirk your responsibility. It's Grandpa.

I gotta start dinner.

Hey, Dad.

If you're coming to collect the rent, I don't get paid till the end of the week.

You made your point, Dad.

You can quit your job now.

Happy?

I love my job.

You do?

Well, yeah, I know what it started out to be, me proving a point. But, you

I enjoy having some place to go and spending time with Carrie.

And tomorrow, I'm on fries.

It's really sweet that you like spending time with Carrie.

Yeah, it is.

But you're kind of a pain in her ass.

Did she say that?

You know, I never liked her, Kate. She's the bad one. Yeah, of course she didn't

say that. That's why I did.

But this is Carrie's first job.

And it's her territory. She's doing so well.

You're kind of wrecking it. I'm wrecking it?

Hey, I'm not that bad.

No, I'm not questioning your ability to work. It's just that your attitude with

the customer... All right, all right, I hear you.

I mean, this is Carrie's thing.

She needs it.

I don't want to be the one to ruin it.

Well, I guess I could turn in my name tag.

But Zach threw it in somebody's burger yesterday.

He's such a cunt.

All right, Miss Hennessy. Let's try this one more time.

Where were you at 3 .57?

Watching a Cameron Diaz movie.

How'd she look? Good, I guess.

Was she in a bikini or jumping around in underpants?

do with me getting busted? I'll do the interrogating.

You say you're in the movie at 357.

That's funny.

Because the movie ended at 343.

Admit it. You left the movie, walked down the hall, and you snuck into the

Reeves one. No!

Ban from the mall, Bridget!

You know what that means?

Nowhere to go after school.

You have to study and do organized activities like band and glee club.

of missing Keanu in that tight biker outfit.

No! For the last time, no, okay? And Keanu was only in it for like five

We had this cheesy haircut that made him look like a monkey. Oh, no!

And she sang like a parakeet.

Look, please, you can't ban me from the mall. I'll do anything.

Anything? Anything.

Hmm. Rap for me.

I'm sorry. What? You know, bust a rhyme.

how cool I am.

No. No, I'm sorry. I don't think so.

Great. No.

Have fun cruising the mall online.

Fine. Fine. I'll do it. I'll... Fine.

Fine. That's smart.

I'll lay down the beat for you.

Your name is CJ.

You are so cool.

You just got into community college school.

CJ, the kids are playing on the escalator. I got it. Okay.

What's she doing here?

Oh, uh, there was an interrogation. I thought I told you to charge her the

admission and let her go.

Yeah, we, uh... Oh, no. CJ, you're not still making them bust rhymes, are you?

Wait, so you're not banning me from the mall?

What are you talking about? We can't do that.

Did you even read the oath?

All right, from the top.

Dude, I asked for this with no onions, dude. Oh, yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Oh, there you are, sir.

Thanks. Yeah, come again, sir.

Grandpa, you handled that perfectly.

Oh, it's easy, Carrie.

You know, when I say sir, I'm thinking jackass.

Wow, you're like the perfect employee.

Thank you, Grandpa.

Grandpa? You didn't call me Jim. Isn't that against company policy?

Oh, those are the evaluations?

Yeah, Carrie, you have those evaluations?

Um, Derek, you should know that Jim has shown remarkable improvement since I

wrote this.

Oh, what a proud day. I'm wearing a coonskin cap, and I've shown

Okay, give them to me.

Carrie, you gave Jim the lowest score in Davy Crockett history. In history?

Yeah.

worse than the guy who whizzed in the fry later.

Carrie, you need to lighten up. This is just a food course.

Thanks a lot, Carrie.

You almost got me fired.

Well, I had to do my job. Besides, Mom said you don't need to work.

Well, maybe I do.

Maybe I'm saving up for something very special.

What, new knees?

No, I don't make knee money.

I'm saving up for my granddaughter's trip to Europe.

That's so sweet.

Oh, I love you, Care Bear.

I love you, too.

Now get back on your register!

Oh, for the love of... Bridget, did I ever tell you you're my favorite?

Uh, Grandpa, refill's 35 cents, right?

Well, honesty, good for you. Most people just take them and go.

Yeah, well, I got caught by the short arm of the law.

Good to see the lesson took.

No one's above the law.

CJ! I'm on my break.

Uh, Rory, could you set the table for dinner?

Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. I'm auctioning off Dad's Kirk Gibson rookie

card. Is Taylor Finax willing to pay big bucks for this? You know, mister, I

think you're taking this a little too far.

Why? I figure if the saps are willing to pay it.

Look, Rory, this is not just a stupid piece of cardboard.

Your father gave you this.

And it meant a lot to him. And one day you may want to pass this on to your

children.

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

I'm going to take it off the market. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Oh,

on a second.

What's that number there?

That's the amount of the latest bid.

Well, it just went up.

Again.

There's only a minute left.

I better take it off the market. Yeah, touch that button, I'll break your arm.

Well, Mom, I think Dad would want me to keep it. Yeah, he also wants you to go

to college.