Original subtitles

Welcome back to Dudes, Chicago's hottest stage show. Man, look at those babes.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

This show is disgusting.

It's sexist and chauvinistic.

Oh, you're just saying that because you're a girl.

What's that?

We're watching Dudes.

Ow. Smart TV.

Next week is Teen Week here on Dudes. So if you young dudes and dudettes think

you're hot, come on down to the studio and try out.

Okay, now I hope a lot of you guys are going to come down and try out.

them, Laura.

Eddie and Waldo are immature juveniles with only one tawdry thing on their

Can I rock my world, baby?

Did I hit you too hard?

Too hard, actually.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. A loving tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

It's all I see, the tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of everything.

As days go by, we're gonna fill our house with

happiness. The blues may cry, but we'll smother the blues.

The bigger love of the family.

What's the skinny?

We got picked to be on Dudes, Steve. Yeah.

I admit it, Steve.

You know you love to be in our shoes.

Nope. No, sirree, Bob.

I wouldn't be caught dead on that show.

I feel so whiny just watching it.

Oh, yeah?

I bet you if you went on Dudes, you might be able to get a dick with Laura.

What bizarre twisted detour did you use to get to that off -ramp?

Man, figure it out, Steve.

You go out on a date with three gorgeous girls and then talk about it on TV.

Yeah, Steve.

Wake up and smell Juan Valdez.

If Laura saw you on dudes, she'd go nuts with jealousy.

Oh.

What? That's what jealousy, huh?

Yeah, but she won't be jealous because you're not going on the show.

Right? Quiet, I'm thinking.

Oh, so that's how you do it.

I can't believe Eddie's going to be on television.

He thinks he's so hot since he went out with three different girls in one week.

Hey. Before I met your mother, in one week, I went out with...

Never mind.

Judy!

You know, today is my birthday.

I know. I was going to mention it, but Mom said not to make a fuss.

She did, huh? Yes.

Oh.

Richie!

So, uh, tell me.

What does your Aunt Harriet have planned for my birthday?

Nothing.

I see.

Let me ask this again.

What does your Aunt Harriet have planned for my birthday?

Nothing.

Chicago's Hottest Dating Show.

First, let's meet our Lottest Ladies.

Nicole Robertson.

Olivia Tangle.

And the exotic Onita Savoy.

Let's meet the three dudes who are vying for the title of Super Dude.

First, put your hands together for Eddie Funky Hunk Winslow.

It says here that Eddie's hobbies are skydiving,

bungee jumping, and putting out oil rig fires.

Next, let's welcome...

Top 40 on his armpit.

And is hoping someday to do a world tour.

And now, let's hear it for our last dude, Stephen Q. Urkel.

Stephen

enjoys

buns, cheese, and synchronized bowling.

Bottom of the barrel week.

You know, I'm enjoying this.

You are?

Oh, yes.

I wonder if they have a seniors week.

No, they don't.

I'll get us some more chips.

Break's up.

Cow.

So. Tell me, what does Harriet have planned for my birthday?

None of your business.

Oh, come on, come on.

Okay, look, if I tell you, will you promise to keep it a secret? Oh, yeah,

absolutely. Okay.

Here goes.

Nothing.

You told Harriet you didn't want her to make a big fuss this year.

Since when does Harriet ever listen to me?

Okay, you guys know how to play the game. The dude with the most kisses

Okay, let's play the game.

Funky hunk.

Yo, Pat.

We asked the girls what they thought when they first saw you.

One lady said, wow, hunk -o -rama.

girl said, hey, look, it's a big, soft teddy bear.

And the last girl said, how can he eat? He's so full of himself.

This is the easy one, Pat.

Wow -hunk -a -rama is Nicole.

That's right!

Nicole, any romantic sparks on your day?

Ooh, oodle.

Eddie sang to me.

Eddie, you like to sing on your dates?

If the mood is right.

Well, you care to sing us a few bars?

Come on,

Nancy.

Baby, baby.

I wrote that.

Why am I not surprised?

Let's move on to Waldo, okay?

Waldo? I'm still here.

We asked our dudettes how you measured up on the old macho meter.

One lady said, on a scale from 1 to 10, he rates a minus 5.

Dick and thongs may break my bones, but math will never hurt me.

Another girl said, don't they scream these guys first?

The last one said, I can't rate him. We never went out.

Well, I can't rate him. We never went out with Onisha.

You're right.

Although, what happened?

I couldn't find Onisha's house.

I gave you directions over the phone.

Yeah, and I wrote them on the wall of the phone booth, but that darn thing

falling out of my car.

Steve. That's the name. Romance is the game.

Okay, all right.

Steve, do you think the girls had a good time with you?

You think they look pretty satisfied, don't you?

Let's find out.

Our first lady said, I still can't figure out how he swallowed my contact

Nearly a misplaced kiss.

Another girl said, I showed him my tattoo and he fainted.

Now, I greatly admire and respect Bugs Bunny, but there are just some places he

should not be.

And the last girl said, Steve gave me the most thrilling ride of my life.

Well, now, that's easy.

It's only just...

Want to tell us about this thrilling ride?

What?

I picked on each half on my neat old swim.

I'm going to ride my sissy bar.

Okay, it's almost time to find out who's going to be our super dude. But first,

let's find out where our super dude and his dudette will spend their dream date.

Take it away, Johnny Prince.

Thank you, Pat.

Our winners will spend a wonderful week in romantic Hawaii.

Yes, they'll stay at the beautiful Hanapala Hotel.

Chaperone, of course. They'll enjoy snorkeling, sailing, sunning, hugging,

kissing. Remember, Hanapala is Hawaiian for really tall buildings. It's all

yours from Duke.

Back to you, Pat.

Superdudes! Remember, guys, you pick a girl. If she picks you, you're the

superdude. Any tie will be broken by whoever has the most number of lips.

Wow, just like in real life.

Honky Honk, you start.

Well, this is kind of a tough choice, Pat, because as you can see, these are

prime choice babes.

But I think I'm going to have to go with Tanya because her parents are hardly

ever home.

Tanya?

If you picked Eddie, you're on your way to Hawaii.

Darn. I picked Waldo.

Well,

Waldo, who did you pick?

It was a real brain squeezer.

But I chose Nicole.

Nicole, if you picked Waldo, you'll be winging your way to the Aloha State.

Sorry. I picked Eddie.

Hey, Nicole.

It's cool. We can still go out.

Without Hawaii?

Forget it, hunky -funk.

Well,

Steve, it's up to you.

If the dudette you chose also chose you, you'll have the luau of your life.

Well, these chickeroonies are all as they say in France.

babe who rings my chimes is Onesha.

Onesha, who did you choose?

I chose...

Can we talk about this after we get back?

Every fiber of my very being belongs to the lovely Laura Winslow.

From the very first time I saw Laura, I vowed I would never stray, and I shan't.

Every breath I take, every thought I think, spells L -A -U -R -A.

We're on the air. No, I... have to do this.

I'm hers.

My heart, my soul, everything I am or ever will be belongs to her.

will be up.

Did you happen to catch dudes tonight?

I caught it.

Well, what do you say we skip the light bandago, hitch our wagon to a star, and

go steady?

You see, Misty?

All that's missing is your neck.

You know, I may be way off base here, but you seem just a tad upset.

A little post -vasal drip?

Steve, you humiliated me on television.

I did?

Why did you go on dudes anyway? I thought you agreed with me that it was

and chauvinistic.

Well, I thought if you saw other women, hot, pervasive, sexy women, fawning all

over me, well, you might get jealous and do a little fawning yourself.

way about you that you feel about me.

Oh, yes, you will.

And it's my vision of that glorious moment that keeps my little heart

Bubble, bubble, bubble.

Oh, is she smiling at me? Yes, she is.

Bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble.

I'm sorry, Steve, but you've got a long wait.

Well, I wouldn't wait too long, babykins.

After all, I'm a super dude.

That's duds, Steve.

Oh, yeah?

Wow.

This duds for you.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Oh, gee, thanks, honey.

This is, uh, swell.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Make a wish.

Oh, right.

Did your wish come true?

Well, no.

What's the matter, Carl?

Oh, sweetheart.

Remember when...

I said that I didn't want a big fuss for my birthday.

Yeah.

Well, I fit.

I did want a big fuss.

Really?

Well, then why did you say you didn't?

Because you were supposed to say, oh, honey, don't be silly. We're going to

a big fuss anyway for your birthday because we love you.

And then I would have caved in.

But next year, big fuss.

Big, big fuss.

I forgot something.