Original subtitles

Sergeant Winslow?

Why, Lieutenant Murtaugh, you look dapper.

Yes, I do.

I'm a dapper dude.

How can I help you, sir? You can help me celebrate. I just bought a new car.

Whoa.

Wow, what a beauty.

Yep. 1969 Pontiac Firebird convertible.

Are my dreams.

That must have cost you a pretty penny.

Yeah, I'm in hock up to my ascot.

That baby was worth it.

Not a scratch on her cherry.

Can you get your money back, sir?

Winslow, you recognize that person that just hit my car?

I believe I do, sir.

Hi, Mom.

Carl, Carl, somebody popped their old piece of junk right in our driveway.

Now, here's their license plate.

track them down and chew them out.

Hello, Lieutenant.

Nice ascot.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, isn't there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls?

It's all I see.

It's a tower of dreams.

Real love bursting out of everything.

It's the bigger love of the past.

Hey, Waldo, let's try and pick up some chicks.

Forget it.

How come?

We might get a hernia.

We should start off slow and maybe bench press some little kids.

Yeah, right.

I guess I wasn't thinking.

Later, man.

I'm going to lay some moves on Cheryl Hansen.

Hey, baby.

Everything okay?

No, it's not.

Well, what's the matter?

I can't talk to girls.

Every time I'm around them, my mind goes blank.

Can you imagine that?

Actually, yeah.

Have you ever had a date?

I got close once. I almost went to the movies with Vicky Vanderfanny.

You mean Hickey? Mickey.

Yeah, but I was so nervous when I asked her out that before she could answer, I

barked all over her shoes.

Gee, I hope they weren't suede.

You know, I might as well face it. When it comes to girls, I'm a loser.

No, you're not. You're just a slow starter.

I'm a no starter.

I once had a 976 number hang up on me.

Waldo? I'll be right back.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

Laura, I need your assistance.

I want you to talk to Waldo. I'm worried about him.

Aren't we all?

No, no, really.

He's real down on himself. And he could use a few kind words from a lovely lady.

Uh, Steve.

Look at his poor, pathetic face.

He's so sad. he can depress Richard Simmons.

Well, hello, boys.

What'll it be?

Two root beer floats.

Make mine a double.

Bad day, Lou.

He just bought a classic convertible and had a little accident.

Little? Little?

Who'd you run into?

Somebody ran into me.

Tell her, tell her, tell her who ran into me.

Go ahead, tell her.

My mother.

Mother Wendell?

Is he all right?

Mrs. Knievel is fine.

It's my car that's suffering.

Is it smashed bad?

Bad. If I want to see the taillights, I got to open the glove box.

No, no, I mean it, Waldo. You have a lot of qualities girls really go for.

I do?

Like what?

You are very... Anthem?

Let's just put it this way.

You have the perfect face for your head.

Oh, cool. What else?

Well, you're sweet and you're sensitive.

You're courteous and you're kind.

I am?

That's right.

You know, I think you're one of the nicest boys I ever met.

Oh, shit.

You really mean it?

I sure do.

From the bottom of my heart.

Now, Waldo, did Laura perk you up a little?

She sure did, but now I got a bigger problem.

Well, what's that?

Laura's in love with me.

We do?

Well, don't think you're in love with him.

What?

What in Sam Hill did you say to him, woman?

I just wanted him to feel better about himself, so I gave him a few

Well, obviously the big dilute mistook your compliments for expressions of

Oh, great.

Look, you got me into this. Now how am I going to get out of it?

And do it before he falls in love with you.

Oh, come on, Steve. That won't happen.

Oh, foolish woman.

You underestimate the awesome power of your beauty.

Well, I know better than any man the inescapable spell that you cast.

Steve, look, stop it. I've known Waldo for years and he'd never be interested

me. Oh, are you sure?

Positive. The day Waldo falls for me is the day I eat my science book.

Hello, Laura, my love.

Bon appetit.

Clothes are red.

Violets are blue. Here.

Thanks.

Plastic.

They last longer.

Especially if you change the water every day.

I'll be sure to do that.

Laura, I know I'm just wasting my time, but would you like to kind of maybe go

out with me?

Sort of tomorrow night, maybe?

Now let him down easy.

Sure, Waldo. Not that easy!

Great, I'll pick you up at 7 .30.

Waldo, how could you do this to me?

I'm sorry, Steve. I know how you feel about Laura.

But like they said in the movie Love Story, love means never having to say

sorry, Steve, but I'm taking your chick.

Waldo?

You're actually going out with Waldo? A Waldo?

Baldo?

That's right.

Allow me to quote the 25th letter of the alphabet.

Why?

I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive.

I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with them.

Well, why not? You refused to go out with me for the last decade.

Well, that's because you have self -confidence.

I can turn you down without destroying your ego.

Well, isn't that just a fine kettle of fish?

out by the curb for pickup.

If it isn't those new sweethearts, Waldo and Laura.

Would you like to order some grub, bub?

Ladies first.

Waldo, is it okay if I have a cheeseburger and some fries?

How bad do you want the fries?

Oh, what the heck, go for it.

And what'll you have, Waldo?

Water.

Coming right up.

Want a dance?

Sure.

Slowly. Hey, I'm a rebel.

Oh, really?

Is that why you kept booing during the movie?

I was upset.

We drive all the way across town to see The Prince of Ties, and there wasn't one

bit of surfing.

We should have went to see GIFT.

Oh, you mean JFK.

know how it's spelled.

Laura, our relationship just is not working out.

It isn't?

Uh -uh.

Listen, I appreciate the nice things you said to me, but we're just not a

romantic couple.

Really?

See, Laura, stop begging.

It tears me apart.

I'm sorry.

I'll try to pull myself together.

I know you're upset, but you'll find another guy.

Oh, Waldo, thanks for letting me down so gently.

No, thank you, Laura.

You're my first date and I'll never forget you.

What?

Yes?

Your ring is stuck in my teeth.

How was your dream date?

Not so hot. Waldo dumped me.

See, Dave?

I mean, darn the luck.

Steve, that's enough. I'm tired and I want to go home. It's been a grueling

night. Well, uh, now that Waldo's out of the picture, does that make me your

number one reject?

Sure, Steve. There's no one I want to say no to more than you.

Whoa! We have...

You know, Winslow, I've been thinking.

Your mother's just plain too old to drive. Oh, she is not. Is too. Is not.

too. I called the DMV and found out her driver's license number is seven.

Lieutenant, I would appreciate it if you would stop with the mother driving

jokes, okay? You know, you put that woman in a tank, she'd win the Medal of

Honor. All right, that's it, Lieutenant.

Quit dissing my mama.

Oh, gentlemen, is there a problem here?

Hey, I will say whatever I want, whenever I want. Oh, yeah?

Yes. Anybody want a frozen banana?

Lieutenant, you apologize to me right now. And what if I don't?

Then I'm going to do my best to stuff you into this coffee mug. You better

a lot of help.

Don't break that china.

Now, here's a thought.

Why don't the both of you grab a nice cozy booth, and I'll bring you to...

A big slice of pie.

Pie. I love pie.

You want some pie, Winslow?

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I wouldn't, would I?

Here's your pie.

Chocolate cream, delicious.

But I've got a different kind of pie for you, Lieutenant.

Oh, really?

What kind of pie would that be? Oh, it's called humble pie.

not alone.

One pie, two guys.

Which guy's gonna get the pie?

Place your bets. Drop it, nerd.

Look at us.

Two of Chicago's finest.

Throwing pies.

Winslow, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have made disparaging remarks about your mother.

I have great respect for you, and I should show respect for all the other

members of your family.

Well, I appreciate that, sir.

You know, that's very big of you to admit when you're wrong.

Yes, it is.

I'm very big that way.

Friends.

Friends.

And to show you just how sorry I am, Carl,

this pie is for you.

You know, sir, that's quite a gesture.

Thank you.

But you know, I'd like to match that gesture with a gesture of my own.

Lieutenant,

this pie is for you.