Original subtitles

Don't have time to hear a grown man cry.

My peppy was a poor man.

All he ever had was fun.

The only thing he could ever give me was the earth and the sky and the sun.

But the greatest thing he told me was, boy, don't weep alone.

Because the man who's always crying now, always crying alone.

You just smile.

Nothing but the cheese.

Nothing but the truth.

It takes different strokes to move the world.

I know it's hard, but read my lips. The girl moving in down the hall is just

an exchange student from Italy, not a movie star.

Trust me, Arnold.

All Italian girls look like Sophia Loren.

And this one's going to fall head over heels for Willis Jacksonini.

Cool down, pepperoni pants.

but doesn't even speak any English. She won't have to.

Once she gets within range of the Woolwich -Jackson aura, she'll just tear

her passport and pledge allegiance to the flag.

Imagine her chagrin when she finds out your aura cost $1 .98 and comes out of a

spray can.

Hey, Dad, remind me to thank the Hansons for taking in Carmela.

I don't know how they're going to find any time for her. They're always so busy

with their careers.

They're so busy, their children had to name themselves.

And they didn't even have time to pick up Carmela at the airport.

An Italian girl.

I'm going to be the first American guy she's going to fall for.

Willis, give the girl a break. She's just coming here to pick up the keys to

Hanson apartment, not to audition for the Willis -Jackson dating service.

Arnold, I expect you to make her feel welcome.

That's right.

It's going to be hard for her settling into a new country.

She'll be dealing with a...

Whole different language, different customs, different clothing.

And that's just Willis.

I'll get it.

Hey, I better go to my room. The ladies always like you better when Willis

Jackson makes an entrance.

I always liked you better when you made an exit.

Arnold, answer the door.

What are you doing?

Just in case she does look like Sophia Loren.

Get ready, my little Italian tomato.

You're about to meet the catcher, Tori, of your dreams.

I just arrived from Italy.

You're the girl from Italy.

Oh, Ellen!

You sure don't look much like Sophia Lorenz. So what? You sure don't look

like John Travolta.

Maggie Drummond, please excuse Arnold.

Thank you very much, but don't worry about Arnold. I can handle him.

I'm Philip Drummond. Welcome to America.

Grazie.

Oh, Willie!

And the opera singer here is our son Arnold Jackson.

We've met.

I'm sorry, Carmilla, but some airhead told me all the girls in Italy look

like... Sophia Loren. That's like saying all men in America look like Robert

Redford.

We do.

Carmella, you speak English beautifully.

How long have you lived in Italy?

I was born there, but my parents were born and raised in Brooklyn.

Italy is quite a few blocks from Brooklyn. How'd you end up there?

My father's a colonel in the army.

Whose army?

Uncle Sam's.

I spent my whole life living all over Europe. For the past four years, we've

been stationed in Florence.

Florence? Oh, what a city.

The women there are not nearly as attractive as my lovely wife.

Nice save, Dad.

What made you decide to come here?

My parents thought it would be good if I spent some time in America.

Oh, Willis!

Who's Willis? He's another one of our sons. Another son? Is he a whole son or

just the other half of this one?

I don't think I'm going to like Italian humor.

Excuse me a minute. What?

gonna like it here. Hi.

It's hard to believe he's a speech major.

I think he's cute.

Uh -oh.

Whoa! I gotta be going. Bye, Maggie.

Bye, Dad.

My steady girlfriend gets upset if I'm not on time. She's very jealous and also

waiting. Bye, Dad. Bye, Maggie.

Trick doors.

He doesn't make much sense, but what a looker.

Bellissimo.

Woman, you ain't got no taste.

You almost sucked all the nails off your nose.

Far nose.

Camilla, I'm afraid I have to apologize.

Our boys don't always behave this strangely.

Except when they're awake.

Here are the keys to the apartment.

Carmela, we surely hope you like it here in America.

Please come by and see it anytime you want.

Thanks. It'll be a lot easier knowing that I've already made some good

I'm sure Ronald will be delighted to help you with your bags.

No problem, Dad.

What do you got in here? Spare tank parts?

I'm Squid Bait.

Squid Bait?

Ten hut!

Suck in that gut, you sweet young thing.

Don't make me get rough. I know judo.

March, Jackson.

Don't drag those suitcases.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

On the next episode of The Y.

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Arnold, look.

Hey, Sam.

That's a nice Star Wars soap book.

Arnold, that's my lunch box.

Wow.

I haven't seen handiwork like this since the gooch.

It was the gooch.

Oh, no.

The last time I saw him, he was in the sixth grade, trying to dig his way out

underneath the schoolyard fence.

Yeah, he flattened my lunchbox and said next he was going to flatten me.

Really? Oh, no, Sam.

That's terrible. What are you going to do?

wrote about Sam.

Well, you're my big brother, Arnold.

You're going to flatten the gooch for me, right?

Sure, Sam.

I'll flatten the gooch for you.

Piece of cake.

That's what big brothers are for.

Thanks, Arnold. I told him you'd do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Okay, Sam.

He's taping my aerobics show.

Oh, listen, Maggie, I missed my workout. Do some jumping jacks for me.

Maggie, Maggie, wait, wait.

Willie. Huh?

What's going on?

Looking to see if Carmela's out there.

She pinched me yesterday, twice.

Once in the hallway and once in the elevator.

Well, Willis, what can I say? It's very Italian.

It's also very painful.

I'm going out now. I'll run interference for you. Maggie, what I really need is

a rear guard.

After you. Thanks.

Hi there, Arnold.

There. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Got this problem.

I stuck my foot in my mouth.

Well, that's a first.

I know. Isn't that hard to believe?

Well, you see, I told Sam I was going to flatten the gooch for him.

Apparently, you stuck both feet in your mouth.

I know. I had to.

See, Sam really looks up to me, and I can't afford to lose him.

I haven't got that big of a following.

Come on. Arnold, Sam thinks the world of you, and he always will.

Yeah, but you know kids today, they change their minds just like that.

Yeah, it's not like it was when you and I grew up, Arnold.

Right.

You see, Dad, Willis always came through for me.

Once I got his face out of the mirror.

Well, I'm sure you'll come up with a solution for Sam. A peaceful one.

But, Dad, either way I lose.

If I don't fight the Gooch... Sam will think I'm a big chicken. If I do fight

the Gooch, I'll be chicken salad.

I will solve your dilemma for you. You tell Sam I won't allow you to fight.

Really? Oh, thanks, Dad.

And I'm sure the Gooch will sleep better tonight, too.

But I won't.

I've got to do something for Sam.

Arnold, you've dealt with the Gooch before.

Reason with him. You've always gotten the best of him by using your wits, not

your fists.

Yeah. You're right. I forgot that. And you're four years older and wiser.

And he's four years dumber.

I'm sure he's down to a single -digit IQ by now.

If you give it some thought, I know you'll do the right thing. You may even

up friends with the Goots. You may even want to invite him over.

Uh, on second thought, forget it. We just shampooed the rugs.

Thanks, Dad.

Sam, I could kill the Gooch.

But unfortunately, Dad has made me promise not to lay a hand on the lad.

So I decided on a mature approach. What's that?

Bribery.

Okay, Sam, let's go over the checklist.

Right. Aluminum softball bat.

Ah, the Gooch always had eyes for this.

Football helmet.

My Joe Theismann.

I'm gonna miss this.

Raw meat.

The gooch is gonna suck this dry and then use the bone for a toothpick.

What in the world happened to you?

I went to talk to the gooch. Thanks a lot, Dad.

I tried everything.

The only thing he really liked was the meat on this bone.

Well, at least you didn't flatten your lunchbox.

You mean my lunch ball.

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maybe next semester. No, do it right now. They'll work with you after work,

you can go before work. You can do whatever you need to do to graduate. Go

to somebody right now. They out to help you. You spend all day on the phone

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All you got to do is pick up the phone and make the call.

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Philip, we've got to do something about this coach.

That's right. We've got to put a stop to it. I think it's time to talk to the

principal. Oh, Dad, you can't do that.

If the kids at Sam's school found out his parents are fighting his battles,

they'd never let him live it down.

Ruined it, ain't it?

We've got to do something about this bully before he really hurts somebody.

Let's call Sam's principal now.

Come on. I have his number in my den.

Hey, we've got to do something before they go see the principal or you may

to go to school in Alaska.

What if we both gang up on him? Even if you stood on my shoulders, all we could

do is punch out his belly button.

We've got to find someone who's strong enough and mean enough and

big enough to take the gooch on.

Carmella, my dear.

My friend.

My buddy.

My compadre.

Arnold, how many times did the goose hit you over the head?

Just watch the genius in action.

Carmella, there's a small task that we would like you to perform for the good

mankind. You mean like tape your mouth shut?

That's funny.

Did I ever tell you how funny she is, pal?

Shut up, Sam.

So what do you want, Arnold? I haven't got all day.

There's this bully down at Sam's crew named the Gooch, and he's really been

giving Sam the business.

I went down there to try and put a stop to it, and it didn't work out too well.

Arnold got creamed.

What the child is trying to say is I couldn't quite handle it. But I'm sure

could. You want me to fight?

In case you haven't noticed, I happen to be a young lady, and the last thing a

young lady wants is to get a reputation of a common street fighter.

I get your day with wolves.

The gooch is dead meat.

like he's around.

So where is he?

He's usually eating all the lunches he took from the kids during the day.

Well, a soldier's gotta do what a soldier's gotta do.

Hey, Gooch, come on out here and let's have a woman to beast talk.

Get out here, mister.

Uh,

Carmella, you get the idea that...

Maybe this isn't working.

Well, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but Willis is worth it.

It's judo time.

I haven't seen anything like that.

Yeah, it was awful.

I did my duty. Now it's time for you to pay up. I want my man.

Where's Willis?

Talk to Willis. He can't wait. In fact, I think he's upstairs showering even as

we speak. He better be.

Remember what happened to the gooch.

I'm going back to my quarters, scrub down, and slide into my Calvin.

handle Willis.

You want me to take Carvel out?

You guys have got to be kidding.

Not in a million years.

Correction, not in two million years.

You see, Dad, you've got to help me.

First the Gooch kills me, and now the Gooch's killer is going to kill me.

You just relax, Arnold.

We'll talk about it with Willis. Can you believe that?

The Gooch was actually beaten up by a girl.

Well, I don't find that so hard to believe.

There have been a few taxi drivers who were pretty sorry they tangled with this

girl.

And a couple of truck drivers aren't too happy either.

I'm not taking her out, Dad. You can cut off my allowance. You can disinherit

me. You don't have to buy me that car. Suppose we just talk about it.

Okay, you guys can talk about it. I'll be upstairs.

Now, listen, Willis.

I can't condone her fighting with the Gooch.

But she did do a very nice thing for your brothers. Well, fine. Let them date

her.

Willis, honey, we're not asking you to marry her.

Oh, that's only because Mr. Big Mouth didn't think of it.

Oh, please, Willis.

Just this once.

No. Just this once.

Oh, no, Sam, not the hound dog eyes.

Oh, man.

Now, Willis, I could order you to do it. We could probably trick you into doing

it. But I think you should do it for one good reason. That you make a young girl

very happy.

And you'd feel good about it, too.

I'll put the bill for the date.

Oh, okay, dear.

Thanks,

Willis. You bailed me out again.

Hey, that's what big brothers are for.

And I think you're the best big brother that ever lived.

Thanks, Arnold. You really mean that?

No.

I got it.

Here you go, Willis, my credit card.

Hey, thanks, Dad. Sky's the limit?

Here's your 20.

Hey, Jackson's the name, Davey's the game. Now let's get downstairs and catch

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