Original subtitles

What won it for me? They said it shows I've got guts.

I'm real glad you won, Arnold. I really felt guilty.

You see, it just goes to show you, Arnold, when things look darkest, you

pick yourself up and you start again.

Look at your disappointments. Find out what you're going to learn from them.

No, I certainly learned something from this one. What's that?

When Kimberly's around, take a shower with your shorts on.

We'll be right back.

They got nothing but the gene.

It doesn't take different strokes to move the world.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

What's it to you?

Plenty. I said, what do you think you're doing? I'm waiting for the crosstown

bus.

Don't give me any of your lip runt.

and you're not supposed to play basketball in the halls.

Understand?

Give me a second. I'm still working on what?

Anyway, mind your own business.

This is my business.

My dad's the new building manager, which makes me second in charge around here.

Get the picture?

Yeah, and the picture looks a little overdeveloped, chavo.

for anything?

I thought maybe I'd go to the school library for a while. What?

Studying on Saturday?

Well, yeah, in a way. They're having tryouts for the girls' cheerleading

Big ears.

Yeah, and lots of them.

I love the way they shake their pom -poms.

Daddy, that is all he ever thinks about. Say something to him.

All right.

Willis, I think I'll go with you.

he pushed me down. He was bigger than me. He looked like a whale with

Well, you just point him out to me, bro, and I'll punch his life out for you.

No, Willis, I can punch his life out myself.

You just hold him down for me.

Yeah, we kick him, we step on him. Okay, okay, time.

You guys are not going to punch anyone.

Now, you know how I feel about fighting.

Fighting never settles anything.

One can settle his nose deeper into his face.

I'll call the new manager, and I'll settle this thing.

Mr.

Drummond? Yes?

Good morning. I'm Louis Garth, the new manager.

Oh, hello. I was going to call you. Please, come in, won't you?

Hey, isn't that my basketball?

Indeed it is. Here you are, young man.

Thanks. Mr. Garth. This is my daughter, Kimberly, my son, Willis, and, of

course, my son, Arnold.

Hello.

I'm afraid our boys had a little misunderstanding.

But boys will be boys.

I'm sure it won't happen again.

Well, it was very nice of you to bring the ball over, Mr. Gardner. By the way,

do you have time to stay for a cup of coffee?

Yes, thank you. Please, call me the Lewis.

And I'm Phil Lewis.

Excuse me a minute.

Pearl, please have a seat, Lewis.

Yes, Mr. Drummond? Could we trouble you for some coffee, please? Oh, no trouble

at all. The Columbians did all the work.

Mr. Garth, why don't you tell your son to stop picking on kids who are smaller

than he is?

Yeah, he's lucky my muscles are all tied up in my underwear.

Easy, guys, easy. Mr. Garth has just said that it won't happen again.

I don't blame Arnold for being a little angry.

I'm afraid Bobby overstepped his bounds.

Arnold said Bobby just came right up and took the ball away from him. Now,

that's not quite accurate, Kimberly.

Arnold was playing ball in the hall, and that's against the rules, isn't it?

Is that true, Arnold? Were you playing with the ball?

Well, not exactly. I was just bouncing it.

Bouncing is playing, isn't it, little neighbor?

And we don't wish to disturb our other tenants, do we?

This guy's been watching too much Mr.

Rogers.

I can't disagree with what you're saying, Mr. Garth.

And we won't do that again, will we, Arnold?

No, I guess we won't. Because if we do, we'll be punished.

We're aware of that.

Here we are.

Piping hot.

Thank you, Pearl.

Lewis, this is Pearl Gallagher, our housekeeper.

Mr. Garth is the new manager of the building.

Mr. Garth, cream and sugar?

No, sugar's bad for you, and cream gives you cholesterol.

What's the difference? The caffeine will kill you anyway.

Motives. Everybody's got one.

Treachery. Payback.

And betrayal.

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Motive 2.

Retribution.

Tomorrow at 8.

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Phil, while I'm here, there are a few new rules I think I should go over with

you and your family.

New rules?

What kind of rules?

Well, for one thing, there won't be any more barbecuing on the terraces.

Too many complaints about the smoke.

Excuse me, Lewis.

We live on the top floor.

Smoke rises.

I'm sure he's not going to complain.

What's he going to say?

Holy smoke?

Sorry, I can't make any exceptions, Phil.

Fair enough, Lewis.

What else?

Now, this applies to your servant.

When she comes and goes from the building, I think it would be better if

would use the service entrance in the back.

Service entrance?

Hey, that's an insult to ask her to come in the back way.

Yeah, Pearl's like a mother to us.

Yeah, except she gets paid for cooking and cleaning and doesn't have to kiss

dad.

Well, I appreciate your loyalty to your servant, but I'm afraid some of our

other tenants aren't quite so liberal.

It doesn't look good, you know what I mean, Phil?

No, as a matter of fact, I don't lose. We'll have to discuss that one a little

further. Well, that's all right, Mr. Drummond.

I'll use the back entrance, and I'll hose myself down before entering.

Well, is that it, Mr. Garth? No, just a few more little things, Phil.

No more bottles down the garbage chute?

What would you like us to do with them? Have them gift -wrapped and sent to the

city dump?

I'm afraid you'll have to have your domestic carry them down on the freight

elevator. Oh.

The domestic would love that.

Excuse me while I go do something menial.

By the way, Phil, in looking over your lease, I noticed that it restricts you

four tenants in this apartment.

I see we have five. No problem. I'll just throw one of the kids off the

I volunteer Willis.

It's true, Mr. Garth. We are five instead of four.

But one of us doesn't occupy very much space.

If it'll help, I can sleep in a drawer.

What the heck? I guess we can overlook one little rule.

Oh, gee.

You're such a terrific guy.

Thank you.

Well, folks, you know, I would love to stay and chat, but I really do have to

go.

Mr. Drummond.

Can't you believe that guy?

He wasn't born. He was defrosted.

It was like we're in the army.

Next thing you know, we'll be having roll call in the morning and a bed check

night. Yeah, I'd love to play taps on his head.

No, no, easy, kids. Mr. Garth just happens to have the sort of personality

kind of dislike at first.

But I'm sure that when you get to know him, you'll find that he's a first

stinker.

Yeah, I better get my horn jacket.

Arnold, no playing basketball in the hall now.

I won't. That fat rat's liable to crawl out of his hole.

the elevator door opened i'm not lying and i wasn't dribbling and if i wanted

dribble i would dribble oh yeah yeah and if you try and stop me it'll be

dribbling from your nose

thought I'm positive I'm in big trouble.

Arnold, have you been playing basketball in the hall again?

No, Arnold.

Then what happened?

Did Mr. Garth catch you smiling on the premises?

I kinda had another run -in with Bobby the Blimp.

What do you mean, kinda?

Well...

Cream that turkey.

Yeah, I'm proud of you for not letting him push you around, Arnold.

Well, I'm not.

What have I always told you?

Even if Bobby had it coming, fighting never solves anything.

But he started it, Dad.

And you had to finish it, huh?

Yeah.

I'll never forget the splat when he hit the floor.

Arnold, you can't just go around shoving and hitting people. You've got to learn

to control your temper. And if there's a problem, you discuss it like a

gentleman. A gentleman?

With Conan the Barbarian?

The only thing a guy like Bobby understands is brute force.

He's lucky the elevator door closed before I gave him my left, my right, and

then I overcut and I knocked him down and... That's enough. Look, his face is

bloody pulp.

That's got to be Mr. Garfield. I'll settle this whole thing.

All right, Truman, no more...

the nice guy.

I've about had it with that snotty kid of yours.

You can't talk that way about Willis.

Now you know who I mean. Now just one minute, Mr. Garth.

Your kid was playing in the hall again. This time he slugged my boy. What are

you going to do about it? If what you say is true, Arnold will be punished and

will see to it that he apologizes to your son. You know, you rich guys are

alike. You think you can do anything you want. Don't! You poke me. Oh, I'll poke

you when I want to poke you.

Because you're a lousy tenant, you're a miserable father, and I've had it up to

here with your obnoxious brags. That's did it.

Oh,

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So what about insurance, man?

What are you, 19?

Let me get some grown man insurance.

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The comfort soft undershirt. They're soft, then there's comfort soft. Only

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Her eyes, she gets from her dad.

Her smile, she gets from her dad.

Her adventurous spirit, that's dad too.

So, what does she get from me?

Well, right now, a good lunch.

Want to bring Dad tomorrow?

Mm -hmm.

Is that the famous to -do list? That's right.

It'll take a while. What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to lower my cholesterol.

And how long is that going to take? Oh, six weeks. Six weeks? Yeah.

I'm going to be done with this by then.

You are on, baby.

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Yes,

yes, I'm sure you checked thoroughly, but please check again. This is an

emergency. That Mr. Garth is nothing but an animal turning off our heat like

this. It's like a meat locker in here. All I need now is grade A prime stamped

on my room.

Listen, you must have one room available. My family is freezing.

Look, if President Reagan came to town, would you have a room for him? Well, he

isn't here. We'll take his room.

Hello? Hello?

Not a room in town.

All the commuters are staying in the city because of this blizzard. How long

Garth going to keep this up?

What a nerve, telling us our furnace broke down. He's lying through his

All except the one dad knocked out.

Damn, this makes me mad.

I know I shouldn't have hit him, but this...

The kind of retaliation is absolutely uncalled for. Well, at least we still

hot water. Oh, which reminds me, your three minutes are up.

Oh, darn.

Would you mind sharing that with me? You know,

cheek to cheek?

Well, we can try, but I think I might out -cheek you.

Daddy, he turned off the hot water right in the middle of my shower.

Oh, no.

I'll kill him.

No, I didn't mean that.

If I was a different sort of person, I'd kill him.

Kimberly, are you going to be warm enough, honey?

Oh, sure, Pearl. All I got to do is plug myself in.

Daddy, you know, you really should have taken your own advice about not

fighting. I know.

What is it about the male animal that turns him into a raging bear whenever

family's attacked?

I guess I'm just a throwback to the caveman.

Dad, somebody's at the cave door.

I'll get it, Mr. Drummond. No, Pearl, don't get off your bottle.

What little surprise do you have for us this time? If we shut off the plumbing,

are we down to our last flush?

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your heating broke.

But don't these things happen at the most unfortunate times?

You know that's not true, and I know that's not true.

Oh, not at all. And just to show you my good intentions, I brought you wonderful

news.

The heating's fixed.

No, I'm suing you for assault and battery.

Hey, Dad, as long as he's suing you, hit him again.

We don't do that kind of thing.

We don't, but you do.

And that's not all, Drummond.

You'll be getting a bill from my dentist.

And here's an eviction notice.

Remember? Five people in the apartment.

You should be out on the streets by Christmas.

Garth, I've had it up to my eyebrows with you, and you know what I'm going to

do. Go ahead, hit me. I'll sue you for the whole bridge.

I am going to talk to the owner of this apartment building about you.

Be my guest.

I'm sure he has no idea what a complete and utter fool you are. Yes, he does.

He's my father -in -law.

Daddy, can he really evict us?

I'm afraid he may have a case.

When the agency told me I'd be working on Park Avenue, I never thought they

meant the street.

Well, I'm going to call the owner of the building anyway.

He'll probably shut off the electricity.

I better go get some candles. No need to do that, Arnold. I'll straighten

everything out. I definitely better go get some candles.

This is really serious. Dad could go to jail for hitting that guy.

Well, at least he'd have a place to sleep.

We'll be out in the street.

Don't worry, Wallace.

Dad's rich.

He can get the best judge money can buy.

we gonna do about getting evicted? No sweat, guys. Dad would just get us

good place to live.

Yeah, but I've lived here since I was born.

This place has a lot of wonderful memories for me. Yeah, it's for us, too.

Hey, Arnold, remember all the times Mama used to bring us here when she worked

for Dad?

Yeah, and we used to pretend that this was our castle, and Kimberly was the

beautiful princess.

I was?

Yep, and I was the handsome prince.

Are you crazy?

It's freezing in here. It's warmer outside.

Yeah, that's one of the reasons I asked you to drop by.

So, you're the man who punched my son -in -law, eh?

I assure you, Mr. Sloan, I'm not at all proud of having done that.

Oh, that's too bad.

I've been wanting to do that to him for years.

I would like to shake your hand.

He's an idiot.

He can't do anything right.

I don't know what my daughter sees in him.

Thirteen years of marriage and he gives me only one grandson.

Like you said, he can't do anything right.

Excuse me, Mr. Sloan. Here's my family.

Kids, I'd like you to meet Mr. Sloan, who's the owner of this building. My

daughter, Kimberly, my son, Willis, and my son, Arnold.

Is he a stinker like the other guy?

Let's all sit down.

So, you're the one who got into the brawl with my grandson, eh?

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry about that.

Oh, don't be.

Little monster probably deserved it.

He's a rotten ship off a rotten block.

Mr. Sloan, you're my kind of landlord.

Hey, Dad, have you worked things out with Mr. Sloan yet?

Uh, no, not yet.

What do you say, Mr. Sloan? I would really prefer not to go to court over

thing. Oh, forget all that nonsense.

No, no. My son -in -law will do whatever I tell him to do.

Badly, but he'll do it.

Well, thank you very much. That's really very kind of you.

What about the eviction notice, Mr. Sloan? Oh, no, no. That's more nonsense.

And the heat? The heat will be turned back on within the hour. And the hot

water? Same thing. Oh, great.

Then everything's okay.

Not quite.

What are you talking about, Mr. Sloan?

Tell me, this is a lovely apartment.

How long have you been living here, Mr. Drummond? Over 18 years.

Mr. Drummond, if I were to put this apartment back on the market at today's

prices, I could get three times the rent that you pay me.

You probably could, but I have a lease, an illegal one.

Five people in the apartment, that is a no -no.

Uh -oh.

However, in exchange for dropping the legal suit and forgetting about the

eviction notice, I would be willing to give you a new lease.

Not at three times the rent.

You got it.

I think that is what they refer to as, say, blackmail.

I prefer to think of it as, say, plea bargaining.

I think he's got you over a, say, barrel.

Mr. Sloan, that is pretty stiff.

That is the whole point.

How about just doubling my rent?

My ears get numb when it's so cold I couldn't hear a thing you said.

I said it looks like we got a deal.

That I heard.

Well, I think I'd better be running along. It has been absolutely delightful

meet all of you, and it's a great pleasure doing business with you, Mr.

Drummond. Yes, I'm sure it was.

Good day, sir.

Well, I hope you all learned something from my stupid act of violence.

Hitting Mr. Garth is going to cost me about $28 ,000 a year. Well, was it

it, Ned?

Yes. Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be

for you may not be right.

Hey, Matt.

You know what tonight is?

Oh, yeah.

Tonight is our night off.

So, uh, what you got planned?

Oh, well, I'm still exploring my options, you know, looking at all the

possibilities, considering all the variables.

So, in other words, Ashley's out of town, the laundry room's packed.

Pretty much.

What about you? Oh, I got big plans, big plans, you know, things, you know.

I can't leave you hanging, man. You ain't got nothing to do, you know what

saying? I'm with you.

We rode like that.

Couldn't have it on my conscience, you know. I couldn't live it together.

You don't have anything planned either?

Damn, Skippy.

Man, what's happened to us, man? We used to have a hundred things to do.

How come nobody's called?

Well, Doug and Leonard called. They wanted to hang out, but I squashed that

quick.

I told them that we already had big plans for tonight.

Guess this is the evening for the nasty channel.

Where's the nasty channel?

Oh, well, you see, the cable bill came, and they raised the rates.

How much?

Two percent.

You canceled my nasty channel?

Hey, we had to make some cutbacks. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It was

cool when you cut back on the pot tarts for them fraudulent things that don't

brown.

Then you got the...

Squeezed really soft toilet paper and traded it in for that old army surplus

stuff. You know, last night I got a paper cut.

I mean, I can live with that, man, but I ain't giving up the damn nasty channel.

Quick, superglue, superglue. Heal emergency.

Hey, why are you ladies all dressed up? We're going to the Janet Jackson

concert. Yes, front row.

Everybody in town's going to be there.

He's going to be sitting in front of all of us.

How'd you land those tickets?

Letter got them.

You guys ready?

You got Janet Jackson concert tickets?

Yeah. Yeah, I was going to invite you guys, but Malcolm said you had big plans

tonight. Have fun.

Isn't it quite funny, bro?

They're just going to leave you alone while you sit inside your home.