Original subtitles

We're decorating coming.

Oh, great.

I'm going for English country. You know, a look that says, outside the window

are sun -filled daisies.

Outside my window, there's a fat guy with a jackhammer and butt cleavage.

filmed before a studio audience.

Well, it seems to whisper Louise.

Bonjour, comment ça va?

Oh, John speaking French.

Sexy. Merci, Mary Beth.

You see before you a man fed up with his humdrum existence.

A man who has applied for a government grant to study for a year in Paris.

A man who has received confirmation in the mail this very day. A man who looks

really goofy in a beret.

John, you're going to Paris for a year?

Oui, oui, ma chérie.

Oh, très bon, Charles.

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

What will it be?

French theater in the 18th century. I can't wait. I get my whole salary, a

charming little flat on the left bank.

And the opportunity to be turned down by women in a whole new language.

John, I'm so jealous.

All I gotta do is find someone to sublet my apartment. Forget it.

Pack a few suitcases and get Dr. Hendricks to sign a form giving me a

leave of absence from school.

Oh, so you have to get permission from your headmaster before you can go.

You must be doing an awful lot of sucking up.

No! No, I just took him out for... coffee once or twice okay

so while he's out of town I'm babysitting his parents okay I

washed his car once I was in the neighborhood I had to be there anyway to

his lawn well as long as you're not

to marry their fairy taste. Oh, thanks. My decorator picked it out.

And the color scheme is great.

Oh, my decorator picked that out, too.

Did you do anything?

Of course I did.

I picked out the decorator.

I'm a wonderful girl

It couldn't be just that deadbeat who broke my heart into a trillion pieces

in town.

Your ex -boyfriend?

You mean that self -centered actor who walked out on you without even a word?

Yeah, yeah.

Freddie. He's got this big part in this big, big off -Broadway show.

And so what if he's marrying a very, very nice girl? I mean, she can't help

that her name is Bambi. And that she can't...

of a paper bag, and that she's had every part of her body lifted, tucked, and

liposucked.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Yeah, what kind of a name is Bambi?

Freddy and I were together for two years, and he never even mentioned

And now, after three weeks, he's ready to go waltzing down the aisle with Miss

Plastic Buffet.

to get a hold of yourself.

Now, I know you're not over Freddy, but it's just I'm over him. What do you

mean? Of course I'm over him.

Not over him. That's rich.

I'm not over him.

I will never be over him. And now he's called and says that he wants to see me,

but I can't see him. If I see him, I will fall apart.

Annie, you've built him into this fantasy figure, this perfect man who

only in your imagination.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

It's true. If you don't see him as he really is, you'll never be able to get

past him and onto a new relationship.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

Look at him.

Freddy is God.

God does not sign pictures.

Here's to you, babe.

Everything right here. Fresh cilantro, cumin, lizard tail.

Lizard tail in the chili?

Yeah, sure.

Like I could find rattlesnake this time of year.

Hello, little Monty.

Everything okay?

John loves little Monty.

Send John to Paris. Send John to Paris.

Monty, he likes it tropical.

Look at that little dude.

Hey, Monty.

Repeat after me.

For a good time, call Kirk Morris.

For a good time, call Kirk Morris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of luck. I've been

trying for days. That bird doesn't talk.

Come on, let's go work on the chili.

Ooh. Do I detect the intoxicating scent of lizard tail?

some nice California chili peppers.

You call those peppers?

Prepare to suffer from pepper envy.

Amateur. Guys, if we're going to win this contest, we're going to need

with bite.

New Mexican chilies.

Stand back.

One of these suckers squirts, you could lose a limb.

I'll see you in a little while.

Oh, Dr.

Hendricks. He just got back. He's going to pick up Monty in about three hours.

Thank God.

When he sees how well I've taken care of Monty, my trip to Paris is in the bag.

Oh, excuse me. Time to sing to Monty.

What?

Wilfred sings to him every day at six o 'clock.

You mean to tell me that guy actually sings to a bird?

Boy, that Wilfred is a weenie.

No, no. Wilfred!

thing by getting Annie to call Freddy.

Of course we did, dear.

She has to face him this way. We'll be here to support her.

Yeah, but it's so hard to see a guy who's dumped you.

That's nothing.

Oh, come on, Mrs.

Filbert. What would you do if your last husband walked through that door right

now? I'd call Ghostbusters.

So, how do you like my hair?

This is the way I wore it when I was with Freddy.

time yearning after a warthog.

Forget it.

Oh, right.

Forget him.

How am I supposed to do that?

Hey, well, try that choo -choo thing. That usually works.

Of course, the choo -choo method.

What are you guys talking about? Oh, you never heard of the choo -choo method?

Where have you been?

When you need to get over a man, every time you think of him, you picture him

wearing a choo -choo. A pink, pretty little choo -choo.

Really?

Okay.

Is it working?

Is he wearing a tutu?

No. He's wearing gym shorts and a tank top and his muscles are bulging and

he's...

Why'd you have him throw you out the window? Don't you have any self

Not too much.

Oh, nonsense. Annie, here's what you're going to do. You're going to open that

door, look him straight in the eye, shake his hand and say, Hello, Freddy.

How are you?

Be cool.

Be the essence of dignity. Let him be the one who squirms. Okay.

Remember, Annie, with dignity.

Fine. How are you?

I loved you then, I love you now. I'll kill myself if you don't take me back.

Welcome to the rainy.

Look, if you keep saying that, I'm not going to get to Paris.

So shut your beak.

Wait a minute.

Rainstorm. What have I been thinking? John, I know the woman who's the

bird expert in the tri -state area.

Great. Who is she?

Fabulous Fiona. I used to catch a rack down in Atlantic City.

John, picture this.

Fiona comes on stage wearing nothing but 17 doves.

One by one, they fly away.

Except for those last three.

Of course, if I were them, I would have hung on, too.

Fascinating, Kirk, but how is that supposed to help us out with Monty?

Chili's almost there.

So you like to break women's hearts, huh? You like to use them and then throw

them away.

You like to smear them with baby oil and run your slippery hands all over their

butts.

No. You caught me all wrong. That's not me.

Then what good are you?

Come out of the bathroom when she's ready.

So, would anybody like something to drink?

I would.

You should have thought of that before you dumped Danny.

So, when did you lose the blonde streaks?

Oh, God.

Did Annie show you that beefcake shot?

Oh, embarrassing.

That was from an ad for men's cologne.

have loving, caring friends like you.

Well, someone had to pick up the pieces.

Yeah, you're right.

I know how badly our breakup hurt her, but at least she had your support.

I would have given my right arm to have friends like you when I, you know,

walked out on Annie.

I was alone.

I had no one.

Oh, God, I know that feeling.

Me too.

I didn't know what to do, so I ran.

Well, I suppose I can understand that.

Oh, you poor thing.

Would you like a drink?

Okay, I'm feeling much better. I don't know why I let this jerk get to me.

Jerk? That's a little rough, isn't it?

as a human being.

Am I in a parallel universe?

Now, ladies, please. I take full responsibility for my actions.

There was no excuse for my behavior.

Oh, sure. I know some guys might say that if a girl comes at you with a

A knife? Oh, come on. It was a butter knife, you big baby.

Well, when she saw me talking to another woman at a party, she smacked me in the

head with a glazed hand.

That is an incredible...

was a leg of lamb.

Well, just because I forgot the anniversary of the day we met, she

papered the apartment.

Oh, wait. Doesn't everybody do that?

Oh, God, it's true.

I'm too crazy for anybody to love me.

Oh, no.

What are we going to do now?

I say we send out for Chinese.

It's all my fault.

You left because I'm horrible.

You're not horrible.

I'm a maniac.

I'll go into a convent, become a nun.

A maniac nun.

You'll never make it as a nun.

You're much too sexy.

What?

Come here.

I wanted to do this from the moment I walked in.

Let's go someplace and make love.

Oh, I miss you.

Oh, honey, I knew this would happen.

I kind of knew.

Okay, desperately hoped.

Oh, why are you going to tell Bambi?

Do you want me to...

Coming back to me.

Who said anything about dumping Bambi?

Come on.

Let's do it for old time's sake.

Go for the road.

love.

He wanted one for the road.

Isn't that poignant?

Oh. Would you just listen to me first? I am so through listening to you, pal.

For months, I have been tearing myself apart, gobbling up self -help books,

turning myself inside out, trying to be the kind of person that you could love.

And all this time, you can't love anyone but your stupid sex -crazed self.

to vacate these premises.

And if you ever bother me again, we'll come after you. And this time it won't

a butter knife.

Yeah, come on. I'll walk you to the elevator.

Oh, my God.

I did it. I did it. I am really over Freddie.

Aren't you glad we were here to support you?

Oh, right.

You were a big help.

He had you eating out of his hand.

She's right, Louise.

You were disgusting.

Annie, can you ever forgive us? Oh, please, honey.

Freddy is an incredible sweet talker.

Everybody falls for it. You didn't stand a chance.

Like my fourth husband.

Boy, there was a charmer.

He knew exactly the right words to say to get me into bed.

And what was that, Mrs. Filbert?

Get into bed.

We've been watching him for an hour and he hasn't said it.

He may be out of danger.

Don't count on it.

Don't count on it.

My flagship might be this close to becoming a talking feather duster.

Where's that paper?

Permission for me to go to Paris. I want to have it ready for Hendrick's sign

while he's feeling grateful.

Looks like the chili's ready.

Did my little Mr. Man miss me?

So this is your boss, huh, John?

So, good trip?

Oh, fine, John, fine. Yes, you are. Now, I hope that Monty hasn't been any

trouble. Trouble? Monty? No, no, no.

Wilfred.

About that, my Paris sabbatical. Oh, I just happen to have a commission paper

right here.

And now, if you just sign... Wilfred is a weenie.

Wilfred? is a weenie.

I know what you must be thinking.

Well, but it's a weenie.

I have no idea where he could have picked that up.

Well, I know exactly where.

My wife taught him.

She is such a kidder.

Your wife taught him?

That's hilarious.

His wife taught him.

We were trying to figure out where he could have popped it.

Monty looks so healthy and pretty. You've taken such good care of him,

hope that you'll do it again when I go to Paris.

Paris? Yes, John.

I talked to the people about your grant.

Yes, I did.

But they agreed I should accept it instead of you.

Oh, really?

You?

Not me, but you?

Well, actually, for a time, they talked about both of us going. But then who

would take care of Monty?

I hope that there aren't any hard feelings here.

I wouldn't want anything as trivial as this to affect our friendship.

Our friendship. No, no, hard feelings. No, no, no, no.

Where are my manners?

Wilfred, please, sit down.

Oh, thank you. Ben, why don't we get our guest a nice big beer piping hot chili?

Oh, chili!

My favorite.