Original subtitles

by the time

before a studio audience.

Mary Beth, I've been dying to ask you, what's going to happen next on your soap

opera? Well, Dr.

Caldwell's going to lose his license for sleeping with his patients.

Brad finds out he's only sexually potent after committing arson.

Oh, and Lance's wife is going to catch him in bed with his new secretary and

shoot him in the throat four times.

You know.

Same old, same old.

Hi, buddy.

Hi. Now we're looking for an actress to play the part of a secretary. It's going

to be a real juicy part.

Oh, do you have anyone in mind?

Not yet. My producers want a young, unknown actress.

Blonde, perky. Hi, everybody.

Hi.

The producer thought it might be interesting if she had a circus

know, someone who's raised under the big top.

But the other producer wants to use this character to make a statement.

Maybe she'll be handicapped in some way.

Annie, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

I want that part. I need that part. Give me that part.

You.

Okay, by me, senorita.

Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll sure try to get you in for an audition.

Oh, great, great, great, great, great. All I need is ten minutes to show him

what I can do.

Funny, that was Tom's pickup line when we met.

Look, Kirk, I want that 120 bucks you owe me. I want it right now.

This time I want it in cash.

I'm not accepting another box of wax lips.

Nag, nag, nag. Where's my money? I want my money. Give me my money. That is all

I've heard for the last six months.

I am telling you.

Here.

You take all the fun out of borrowing.

$20.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Clover. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Where did you get this kind of money? Yeah.

I got a job.

Where'd you really get the money? I am serious.

You are looking at the exclusive sales representative for the Driven Snow Water

Purification Company of the Greater Regal Park Northern District.

You mean you're not working for the CIA anymore?

Sooner or later, Louise, we all come in from the cold.

You got a real job?

That's right.

You're selling water purifiers? Yep.

Top of the line, it all happened three days ago when I answered an ad in the

paper and met my destiny.

They hired me on the spot, I hit the pavement, and proceeded to shatter all

previous sales records.

I tell you, I'm a natural. It's like I've been around water my whole life.

I can't believe you got an actual job. Yeah. John, I realized something truly

amazing. There can be, in some cases, a direct link between having a job and

making money.

$1 ,500 a piece.

Wow. But that comes with a lifetime guarantee and free installation.

$1 ,500?

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, but that's why I don't have to sell too many of these babies to turn my

life around. In fact, I'm kind of on my way.

Check this out.

What a beautiful engagement ring.

Who's the lucky girl?

The first single broad I find who can afford one of these.

Annie, how'd the audition go today?

Don't ask.

It was a disaster. I don't have a chance in hell.

I was terrible, and they hated me. I know they just hated me.

Annie, you got the part!

They loved me! I knew it!

I am going to be Veronica Chandler.

We're all so happy for you, dear. Thank you. Oh, thank you, Mary Beth. I never

could have done it without you.

Now, if you'll all excuse me.

I gotta go fire my therapist.

Kirk, I got the job.

Congratulations, Annie.

Not Annie. It's Veronica Chandler, and don't you forget it, damn it.

So,

Kirk, how's your new job?

What job?

You know, selling that, whatchamacallit, that gets rid of all those whoosie

woods that's in the water.

Oh, that job is going great. I'm telling you, all I can think about is water.

Oh, just the guy I wanted to see.

How could you, Kirk? How could you do something like that? You know what this

jerk did?

What? I got a call from his employer. He put down on his application that he

graduated with honors from my school.

And he put me down as a personal reference.

So that's why I got fired.

Fired?

If you want to know why I got fired, it's because John didn't back me up. Of

course I didn't. How could you put me in that position? Because I thought you

were my friend.

Well, I don't get it. Why don't you just put down the high school you really

graduated from?

Why?

Because there wasn't enough room on the form.

My father was in the Foreign Service. We moved around all the time. You know, I

was a freshman in Manila. I was a sophomore in Singapore.

Went to the junior prom in Guam.

Wait a second.

Wait a second. You told us you grew up in Pennsylvania.

And you believe that?

Why are you making up these ridiculous stories?

Did you graduate or something? Come on, Jack. What kind of an idiot doesn't

graduate from high school?

You didn't, did you?

Huh?

Okay, I didn't.

What is the big deal?

Oh, it's so sad.

Sad?

Come on.

I can get any kind of diploma I want from this guy in Nevada for 20 bucks.

I'll have you know, not only am I an ordained minister, but in certain

in the Philippines, I'm a licensed orthodontist.

Look, Kirk, it's not that difficult to get a diploma.

You don't even have to go back to school.

You can get a diploma by taking an equivalency test. Thanks, but no thanks.

come on, Kirk. You want to walk around your whole life branded as a guy who

never graduated high school? Hey, I'm doing great. It hasn't affected me so

Tank, what? What are you talking about? You just lost a good job because of it.

Yeah, come on, Kirk.

Do yourself a favor. Come on, if I can do it, you can do it. Okay, okay.

If it means that much to you, I'll take your tag. There you go.

Terrific. Good for you. Hey, I'll tell you what. I'll set you up with all the

materials you'll need. And if you want, I'll even help you study. Whatever you

need, I'll be there for you. You would do that for me, John? Yes, I would.

Okay, John.

But I'm going to pay you back someday.

So if you're ever in the Philippines and your kid needs braces...

Tell me what you think it is.

Chris, this is delicious.

Really? Yeah.

You seem surprised.

I am. I forgot to put it in the refrigerator last night. I wanted to see

spoiled.

You know, Maria, I've never said this to any woman before, but your eyes are

like... Deep pools of mystery.

Wow.

Later on, I'm going to take off all my clothes and I'm going to dive into those

pools.

Wow, that's so romantic.

Hi, Kate.

Hi, Calvin.

Hey, John. How's it going?

Oh, great. I had the kind of a day a teacher dreams of.

Yeah, your school finally got a metal detector, huh?

No. I got a kid in my class who's this close to dropping out, so I told him all

about Kirk and how hard he's working to get his diploma.

Kate, it really inspired that kid. I even promised I'd have Kirk talk to the

class as soon as he gets his diploma.

Now, do you think Kirk's really going to go through with it? Oh, yeah, he's

determined. I just called him a little while ago. He's home studying.

I offered to help him, but he wants to do it on his own.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I don't want to brag, but, you know, because of me, at this very

Kirk Morris is one step closer to certification.

That's funny.

I would have said he's one step closer to copulation.

Check out table six.

I'll kill him. I'll strangle him. Oh, John, John, please don't cause a scene

my restaurant.

Take him out in the alley.

Yeah, running an international business does take up a lot of my time, but...

Have you ever heard of KLM Airlines?

Uh -huh. That stands for Kirk L. Morris.

Naturally, the L is for lover.

Or loser.

Or louse.

Or lizard.

Or lunkhead.

It's a disgruntled pilot I had to let go.

I'll just give him a couple of bucks and send him on his way. This will just

take a minute.

So, Skye, how's it going?

You've been lying to me all week, haven't you? John, don't worry. I am

pass that test.

Oh, yeah?

What's the capital of Montana?

Hey, if I tell you, everyone is going to want to know. All right, come on.

You're coming with me right now. What are you crazy? This girl wants me.

Yeah? She's not going to want you that much if she knows the truth.

Hey, you wouldn't do that to me. I'm doing this for your good.

Miss, I don't know what this guy's been telling you, but... Hey, I don't know

what you're talking about. He's a high school dropout.

Oh, my God, that's so weird.

So am I.

I knew we had a lot in common.

Let's go back to my place.

See, John? Who needs a diploma?

I'm sorry, miss, but he can't come over to play. It's a school night.

Uh, what are you doing in the box? Sir, that is my elbow.

You're humiliating me. These are all my friends. Would you stop?

I am.

Kirk's going to study, huh?

Annie.

Congratulations.

Louise told me you got the part. Yeah.

Tomorrow I start work at...

Veronica Chandler.

Lance Monroe's mistress and secretary. A woman who can take her clothes off

while typing 80 words a minute.

Gee, now I can tell everybody that I know a television star.

Oh, please. Just because I'm going to be a big soap star and make a lot of money

doesn't mean I'm going to forget my friends.

Oh, gee, that is really good to hear because Annie, you've got a huge favor

ask. I'm a little shorthanded tonight, and I was wondering if you could help

out. Oh, don't beg. Like I just said, I'm still the same plain old down -to

-earth Annie Marino.

But unfortunately, Veronica Chandler's a bitch and wouldn't be caught dead in

this dump.

Ciao, baby.

Let's do lunch.

Would you enable Thomas Jefferson to expand the American frontier?

Okay. Now let's see what you've retained.

When did the Louisiana Purchase take place?

That's it.

Concentrate.

Um, um... Oh, yeah. Uh, 1835.

1803. So it took a while for the check to clear.

Church! John, what difference does it make? It happened a long time ago. It's

history!

You haven't learned one thing all night, have you?

Yeah. I learned that at 2 o 'clock in the morning, you look like death warmed

over. Hey, look, we're not talking about me here.

I don't know why I'm wasting my time.

Are you planning to take this test or not?

You're not, are you?

What tipped you off? Was it my snoring?

Now I know why you never got your diploma.

You're a skater.

You only do what you have to do just to get by.

You can't deal with anything serious.

Make a joke out of it.

Class clown.

Well, this tests the theory. It's stupid.

No, you're stupid.

I am not stupid.

I'm going to prove it to you. I'm going to get the hell out of here. Sure, when

you're faced with a challenge, you run away, huh?

You want to know why I never graduated from high school?

There was this teacher, Mrs.

Bellingham. She never liked me. Never gave me a passing grade.

One time she gave us this assignment.

I worked so hard on this, John, because I wanted to prove her wrong.

We had to write a report on the most influential person in the 20th century.

Everybody else chose the predictable. You know, Kennedy, Roosevelt, Gandhi.

Yeah? So who did you pick?

James Bond.

Ah. Mrs.

Bellingham yelled at me. She said, what?

James Bond isn't even a real person. I said... What difference does that make?

Anybody that can drive a car like that and make love on the side of a rocket

ship deserves a place in history.

You know what she said, John?

In front of the whole class.

Kirk Morris, you are stupid.

I walked out of that high school and I never went back.

You know, Kirk, I feel for you.

That was a bad teaching. What she did was wrong.

But that's no reason not to take the test.

Don't run away.

I'm not running away. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Ray, if you fail, it'll mean

that Mrs. Bellingham was right, that you really are stupid.

Okay, Chuck, you can believe whatever you want. Yeah? Well, you can do

you want. I'm going to bed. Fine, good. I'm going home.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Why are you running away from your peers, huh?

Didn't you tell us that you single -handedly led the invasion at Grenada?

That you jumped into shark -infested waters to save Jacques Cousteau from

drowning?

That you went behind enemy lines for CNN during Desert Storm?

I mean, you're a gutsy guy, right?

Yeah, but a couple of those things were slightly exaggerated.

I know, but you actually had the guts to tell us!

Are you two ready to order?

Yeah, I'll have the meatloaf. Oh, Ben, you always have the same thing. Why

you try something different?

Like what?

Well, let's see here.

Oh, look, they've got braised sweetbreads. Okay, I'll have that.

What are sweetbreads, anyway?

The glands of a sheep.

And you, ma 'am?

I'll have the meatloaf.

By the long face, I just ordered glands for dinner.

No, you didn't. I'm talking to Mary Beth.

Y 'all, it was so terrible.

Annie's first day as Veronica Chandler turned out to be her last.

She got fired?

Oh, not really.

My producer insisted on a storyline change, so when Lance's wife walked in

caught him with Annie, instead of shooting him, she shot Annie.

Oh. Well, why would they do something like that?

So we could use a new mistress.

No, the producer does.

Oh, I feel awful for Annie.

How's she taking it? Well, Mary Beth, I'm telling you, it was just a flesh

wound. Veronica Chandler's not dead.

Annie, I already told you I'm sorry.

You were shot in the throat four times.

Please stop following me.

Can't I linger for a couple weeks in the hospital? I'd do an awesome coma.

But we're taping your funeral tomorrow.

Well, at least make it an open casket. I want an agent to see my work.

Annie, Veronica's gone.

You just have to let her go, dear.

She was so young.

Glands. I'm eating glands.

Very bad?

If you'll all excuse me, I have some serious bootlicking to do.

Kate, for you.

Thank you.

Listen, you know, yesterday when I quit, would you believe I was acting?

You're not that good.

Well, in that case, would you believe that I'm really, really sorry?

You got fired, didn't you?

Worse. Murdered.

Look, Annie, even if I wanted to hire you back, I couldn't. I'm fully staffed.

But I tell you what, if one of the other waitresses quits, I'll call you.

Hey, um, do you guys know any...

Struggling actresses? Because if you do, at this very moment, they're holding

auditions at the community center for the new Oliver Stone movie.

I left here last night, and I went home and I studied till dawn. And believe it

or not, some of that stuff was really interesting.

Now, don't think that I wasn't nervous, because I was. When I sat down to take

that test, I was a little shaky.

But I actually did it. I did it! Go ahead, ask me anything.

What's the capital of Montana?

Well,

I know it's not Denver.

Correct.

I never knew you were going to take it. That's fantastic. I'm very proud of you.

Yep, you're looking at a high school graduate.

Is there a graduation ceremony today?

No. Can I use your phone? Yeah.

Taking a graduation picture?

No.

So where did you rent the cap and gown?

I didn't. I bought it. It's mine.

Yeah. Oh, is this Mrs.

Edna Bellingham?

The one who used to teach at Truman High School?

Oh, hi. Yeah.

I used to be afraid of you, but I'm not anymore.

And there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for 15 years.

You're the one that's stupid.

Who is it?

This is a former student of yours.

The name is Bond.

James Bond.

Kirk, how does it feel being a high school graduate?

Oh, that.

That was weeks ago. I forgot all about that. Listen, I got to go. I got a date.

Okay. See you.

You guys take care, okay?