Original subtitles

by the time you

Dear John is filming for our studio audience.

And they said it was impossible, but I was...

able to get two tickets next Saturday night to La Boheme.

Wow, La Boheme.

Not the La Boheme.

Hey, Connors, you haven't the foggiest notion what I'm talking about.

Not a clue.

The opera, then.

The opera.

Next Saturday?

Oh, darn. Next Saturday. I'm working that night.

Oh, yeah. See, the thingamajig on the boiler, it isn't...

Thingamajigging.

It's technical.

I'm so disappointed we can't go to La Boheme. It's my favorite opera.

Don't worry.

As soon as that baby comes out in video, it's yours.

Anybody like to go and see La Boheme with me next Saturday night?

Something they'd like to share?

Will I?

No, I'm sure y 'all are tired of hearing about it.

Oh, you mean your job at the soap?

Yeah. I'm sorry, but ever since we lost one of our writers on The Divided Heart,

I've had to do double duty.

I'm telling you, I have absolutely no social life.

I finally understand what you people have been going through.

You know, Mary Beth, I was going to wait until the end of the meeting, but since

you seem so desperate, I might as well break the good news now.

Good news?

Well, actually, great news.

I've been thinking about your problem, and I think I've come up with the

solution.

Your show needs a writer.

Well, I've done a little writing.

So, I just put two and two together.

I don't follow you, John.

Look, I've been watching The Divided Heart all this week, and I think I can

write for it.

I've even jotted down a couple of thoughts.

Oh, boy, this is going to be a long night.

Now, the way I see it is, there is an opportunity here, Mary Beth, to educate

as well as entertain.

Educate? Yeah.

Picture this.

Lance is deeply troubled about something.

So, even when his wife, Vicki, shows up at the office wearing nothing but a

raincoat and a smile,

Lance still can't get his mind off his problems.

So, they embrace.

And in a wild, passionate frenzy, roll onto the conference table.

Vicki looks deep into Lance's eyes and says, I can't live without you.

Lance looks deep into Vicki's eyes and says, You know what I can't live

Clean air.

You mean that's all?

No, no, no, of course not. He takes her to bed. He turns out the lights and

tells her about everything that contributes.

To air pollution, though.

Congratulations, John. You just iced down every horny housewife in America.

Oh, yeah?

I suppose you think you could do better? You bet I could. Really? Fine, okay. Be

my guest. Go ahead. Try it.

Go ahead.

Okay.

All right.

Picture this.

Lance has the hearts for his sister -in -law, right?

His wife, Vicki, finds out about this.

What does Lance do?

He does what any normal man would do.

He fakes his own suicide.

One day, Vicki comes home. She finds Lance with a noose around his neck. She

feels so bad, she lets him keep fooling around with her sister.

This way, Vicki gets Lance.

Amber gets Lance, and Lance gets the super sister sandwich.

Oh, come on, Kirk. That would never happen in real life.

I wish someone would tell that to my sisters.

You know, Kirk, that's not that bad.

Maybe you should be writing soap opera.

What? Kirk, a writer? What, are you out of your mind? Mary Beth may have a

point. Nobody has an imagination like Kirk.

Come on.

He's the biggest liar we know.

You hear that, John?

Maybe now you'll have a little respect.

Yeah, but don't you understand?

He doesn't know a thing about writing. No, he doesn't, but you do.

With his imagination and your writing skills, there's no telling what the two

you could come up with.

What are you saying?

All I'm saying is that if the two of you decide you want to sit down and write

something, I'll pass it on to the show's producers.

Yeah. What do you say, John?

Huh? Come on.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll, uh... Maybe I'll give it a try. Oh, great!

I'm sure y 'all are gonna be just the kind of writers that the divided heart

looking for.

Okay, Kirk. Yeah.

We're partners.

But if we're gonna try this, we're gonna have to make a serious, dedicated

effort. Hey, John, I'm with you.

Okay.

Okay, we just started my place tomorrow. We'll need a...

typewriter and some paper and... And a secretary. We don't need a secretary.

I'll do the typing.

Oh, yeah. Well, then, who's gonna sit on my lap while you're working?

Bayside Motel?

I'm calling to confirm a reservation for next Saturday night.

Now, the name is Connors.

Right. Queen -size bed will be perfect.

No, just for the one night.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh.

Louise, honey bunch.

Working late Saturday night, are we? All right, then. Who is she? Who's the

tart? No, Louise, you got this all wrong. There's no tart.

There's tart working with the thingamajig of the boy. Yeah, the

is... You couldn't understand.

I refuse to listen to any more of your lies. I said I'm not going to listen.

Please, if you just...

next week?

Your father?

The motel room is for him.

Your father?

And you didn't want me to meet him?

Ben, you're ashamed of me, aren't you?

No, it's just that my father's kind of old -fashioned. And I was sort of

about him finding out that I was seeing someone... Just say it, Ben. Someone

older than you?

Louise, you know it doesn't make any difference to me. But you don't know my

father.

He can sometimes be a little insensitive.

Oh, who am I kidding? A man scares the hell out of me.

Ben, I'm sure he's not the ogre you're making him out to be.

Come on, I want you to call your father and tell him we're having dinner

together. I'll charm him off his feet.

Charm him off his feet?

It's just what my mother used to say.

God bless her, she died trying.

This is good. This is good. I got a real feeling about this partnership. I think

we're doing something really special, John.

Okay. Read back what we got so far.

Lance Anderson says hi.

I like it! I like it!

Yeah, well, I don't.

Why? Because I thought of it? Oh, come on, Kurt. For the thousandth time, Lance

would never say hi.

What? You're not the kind of man that can hide.

Fine.

Have it your way.

Oh, come on. What are you doing? Oh, you know Lance so well. Why don't you ask

him what I'm doing?

Look, look.

Kirk. Don't! You touch me.

Kirk, we're getting nowhere.

Look, we have to establish some ground rules.

I mean, if we're going to work together, we have to be mature enough to

encourage each other and respect each other's ideas.

Okay? Okay. Come on, let's get back to work. All right.

Okay. Forget about hi, forget about hello.

All we really need is for Lance to walk in, pick Vicki up in his arms, and carry

her into the bedroom. Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

That's good.

Very good.

They kept and tumbled onto the bed where they slipped.

and glide on satin sheep.

They make mad, passionate, loud.

There's a flurry of hands correcting flesh.

They make mad, passionate, loud. Yes!

Repeatedly. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Completely spent, they call it sleep, and he covers his arm.

The next morning, they wake up.

He looks into his eyes.

I smile.

Lance takes her face in his hand, looks at her tenderly, and he says, Hi,

Lance.

Lance would never say hi. He says no.

I

am

not nervous.

Will you stop telling me I'm nervous? You're one who's nervous.

I'm not nervous.

Oh, my God, he's here.

Ben, stop it. Now, you go ahead. I'll join you in a minute. I've just got to

my face. But, Louise... Ben, you're going to be just fine.

Now, just march right over there and don't let him treat you like a little

Okay. Good.

And stop slouching.

Hi, Dad.

Great to see you.

Dad, you look terrific.

Well, come over here, son. Give your father a nice, big, warm handshake.

Listen, Dad, there's something I want to tell you. Oh, good. There's something

I'd like to tell you, too.

Over here, honey.

Ben, meet Sarah, your new stepmother.

Stepmother? Hiya, Ben.

Here was destiny, Ben. Right here.

Yeah, we were on the same wavelength right from the very first moment we met.

took one look at her, and she knew exactly what I wanted.

Double Whopper large fries.

So naturally, you decided to get married.

Well, I know Ben.

Sarah's just a puppy.

When a guy and a gal are in love, what's the little age difference?

Well, I'm glad you said that, because there's a gal I'm in love with, and

there's a little age difference in our relationship, too.

Oh, good boy.

You see?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

That's my Louise. That's her talking to the waitress over there.

Oh, come on. You're pulling my leg.

You picked the oldest woman in the room just to make a little joke on me?

Sorry to keep you all waiting.

I was in the older lady's room.

apologize for that little snafu before there.

It's just when I first saw how mature you are, I just, uh, well, I never

that you'd be my little Ben's girlfriend.

Of course.

It could happen to anyone.

Unfortunately, it happened to happen to me.

Oh, how's everybody doing over here?

Oh, Kate, I can't tell you how good it is to see you.

Kate is a friend of ours. She owns the restaurant. Kate, this is my father.

Oh. Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr.

Connors. Oh, then you must be Ben's little sister.

Now I'm his stepmother.

Excuse me, I have to go into the kitchen. I believe I smell something

Bertie.

Well, you sure got lucky snaring my little boy, huh, Lois?

It's Louise.

Oh.

But, you know, you do sort of look like a Lois.

Louise.

Sorry to keep you guys waiting.

You folks ready for a drink?

Oh, yes, please. I'd love a glass of white wine. I'll have the same. Me too.

too.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to see some ID.

Oh, how embarrassing.

This happens all the time.

Here you go.

Take it, take it, take it.

Thank you.

And the young lady?

Okay, I'll have a Coke.

Well, where did you two first meet?

Oh, at the community center. Louise runs a support group there.

Oh, so you're like a therapist?

No, I counsel people who are recently divorced, separated, or widowed.

Which of those are you?

Widowed. I killed him.

She's kidding, Dad. She's kidding.

Tell Dad you're kidding.

You tell him I'm kidding.

Excuse me.

So, where did you two go on your honeymoon?

SeaWorld. It was always a dream of mine to ride Shamu.

Would you like a drink, ma 'am?

Who told you to call me ma 'am? He told you to call me ma 'am, didn't he? Give

me a drink and don't call me ma 'am. Yes, sir.

I can tell by your body language that things are going extremely well. I've

never been so humiliated in my life as being a complete ass.

Oh, Ben's father's giving you a hard time, huh?

I'm talking about Ben.

He's so intimidated by his father that he's allowing him to rip me to shreds

he's not doing one thing about it.

I'd rather mind to go over there and break a chair over both their heads.

Oh, you don't want to break a chair over anybody's head. The worst thing you can

do right now is to lose your temper.

Louise, will you come on back to the table? Dad thinks you don't like him.

Here, use my chair. It's heavier.

Ben, have a seat.

Sure.

Ben, your charming father made all those snide remarks about me and you just sat

there.

What does it take to shake you up? Louise, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I

should have stood up for you, but I've never been able to handle him.

I just thought if we could get through tonight, then he'd go away and we could

get back to our lives.

All right, then.

I guess I shouldn't have pushed you into this.

I disappointed you.

No, no.

Come on.

Let's get back to the table. I'll be good. I promise.

But, Bill, I don't want to give up my career.

Who says a married woman can't be a drum majorette?

Glad to see you two.

Sarah and I were wondering where you went off to.

Well, it's nice to be missed.

Well, good, good.

Louise, would you pass the bread, please?

Pass the bread?

That's it. I've had it.

Louise, I'm sorry. I'm not going to let him talk to you like that.

Ben, I don't like the tone of your voice.

Well, get used to it. My voice has changed.

What kind of hypocrite are you anyway, criticizing my relationship because of

our age difference? And here you are married to a girl who's a hell of a lot

younger than Louise is, older.

It's none of your business who I'm in a relationship with.

I chose to be with this woman because she's beautiful and sensitive and

intelligent. And if you can't accept us, that's just too darn bad. Come on,

Louise, let's go.

Ta -ta.

Nice to meet you.

I'm so proud of you, Ben.

You finally stood up to your father.

What do you say we go back to your place as fast as we can?

Feeling a little amorous, are we?

No, I think I'm going to throw up.

Oh, good. That's the perfect way to start scene two. Yeah, and dead.

Lance. walks into the meat locker and he finds Angela and Charles frozen in an

embrace.

But he doesn't know what to do because he loves Angela and he hates Charles.

So, he thaws them out with a blowtorch.

And he bludgeons Charles to death with a veal shank.

You're a genius.

No, you're the genius.

Come on.

You know, John, I have a feeling this idea might be too good to waste on that

soap opera. You know, you're right. You're right. This could be a movie.

could be a blockbuster.

I hate to be the voice of reality, but you just

started and now you're going to write a movie?

Don't you think you're jumping the gun a little?

Annie, when we write this movie, you've got to pardon it.

Oh, my God!

you two were able to work so well together. Well, you know, Louise, it was

of bumpy at the start, but we kind of stuck with it.

And we both learned that when you're working with another person, you have to

let go of your ego and open yourself to your partner's ideas. We would get on

these roles.

That's right as fuck.

And we would just get so caught up in the whole creative process that when we

looked at the final product...

We couldn't tell who wrote what.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Mary Beth. Listen, we got so excited about writing that scene that we

couldn't wait to show it to you. Yes, so we hand -delivered it to the producers

ourselves. Right.

So I heard.

Oh, so, huh?

What did you hear?

Well, guys, there's no easy way to tell you this, but, well, the producers hate

your writing.

Didn't mean to hate.

Oh, I think they did.

They also asked me for a picture of the two of you to put up by the front door

in case you ever try to get in the building again.

Some nerves.

They won't buy our script, but they want a picture of us.

Well, we gave it our best shot, buddy.

Oh, and you had such dreams. I am sorry.

What didn't they like?

That scene was brilliant. It was better than brilliant.

Well, they hated that part where Amber slips into a coma.

Oh, that was John's idea. My idea? Come on, you came up with that.

Oh, and you know the part where Nurse Sophie pushed Dr.

Hawthorne off that cliff? That was Kirk's stupid idea. That was your stupid

idea. That was your idea. You were typing. You were typing.

Sorry, it was your idea. Guys, that's the one thing they liked.

That was my idea.

Great, okay, let's go.

Donald walks to the door, and he says, So long!

Donald would never say, So long!

He says, Goodbye!

He says, So long!

He says, Goodbye!

So long!

Goodbye! He says, So long! He says, Goodbye!

So long!

Goodbye!