Original subtitles

Hi, Leo.

Hi, Mr. Lacey.

So, how you doing?

Ah, the same. Work, work, work.

Mmm. Somebody's having mooshu pork tonight.

Yeah, that's right.

Kung pao shrimp.

Remarkable. Hot sesame seed noodles with a hint of hot pepper.

Oh, and for dessert, green tea ice cream.

That's amazing.

How did you know that?

You're stripping all over your shoes.

Okay,

now let's down it out.

Very good. That's very good.

Okay.

Now we're going to try to read from a menu.

We'll just pass them down.

Marvin, why don't we start by ordering an entree.

Entree. On, on, on, on.

Trey. Okay, try this one.

Uh, G... Right, right. G... C -K... Chicken.

Right, right, right. Now the rest of it.

I'm never going to get this.

Marvin.

Look, I can imagine what it's like for you people not to be able to read and

write. I know it took a lot of guts to walk in here, but you really have to

harder.

Come on, Marvin.

Give it another shot.

Okay.

I'll have the chicken... Scallopini.

Nice try, Marvin, but we're ordering from Mort's Kosher Deli.

You have to stop guessing.

Annette, give it a try.

Yeah.

Try, yeah. Okay, what is that?

Uh... Cho...

Try cha.

Cha.

Cha. Come on.

Head. Sound it.

Cha, head, live.

Chop it.

Chop liver.

I read it. I read it.

I hate it, but I read it.

Well, that's all the time we have for tonight.

We've got to get back to the room to the one -to -one club. So would you just

pass the menus, please?

I'm very proud of you all, and I hope to see you next week.

I'll let you clean up.

Thank you, Annette.

Listen,

John.

Yeah. I really appreciate all your help, but... Well, I think I'm going to call

it quits.

What? I'm just wasting your time.

Forget it. I'm not letting you walk away.

A man who can run a successful construction company can certainly learn

or write.

I don't know. Marvin, you've got to try to remember why you walked into this

class in the first place.

Now, wouldn't you like to be able to someday sit down and read your kid a

bedtime story?

Yeah, more than anything, but, uh, well, he just won't listen to me since he

went off to college.

Give it a little more time.

Here, wait.

Here's my pocket dictionary.

When you find time, learn a new word.

Sound it out.

If you have a problem, call me.

Okay, John. All right?

I'll do my best.

Thank you. Good night.

John?

Hi, Kirk.

How's it going?

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who is the babe with the bedroom thighs?

Annette is in my literacy class.

Oh.

Excuse me.

You're kind of cute.

But dumb as a stump.

Bye. Bye.

You hear that, Chuck?

Mm -hmm.

Kind of cute.

You teach her reading. I'll teach her writhing.

I can't believe you treat women like sex objects.

When you look at a woman, all you can think of is whether their bra unstraps

from the front or the back.

Hey, John.

It may not sound like much to you, but it saves a lot of time during foreplay.

Evening, everybody. Hey, Louise.

How you doing? Fine.

She's definitely a fronty.

I'm not sure what that means, but you're a pig.

Good job. How's the literacy class coming along?

Well, it's very frustrating, Louise. Very frustrating.

Progress is very slow.

I tell you, when I reassess this whole situation, it's not unlike the time I

started teaching.

You know, back in 1971... Actually, it was more of a rhetorical question.

What is this world coming to?

Just because a man takes you out to dinner and gives you a Rolex, he thinks

can stay the night.

And give me a Rolaid, he can stay the night.

Well, I'll be...

I'll be back in a minute, Louise. I've got to return these menus.

Okay.

Tonight is fantasy night at Ovarita's Anonymous.

Oh, hi. Hi, Jill. Hi, everybody.

Goosey, you're the newlywed.

How's Mitch? Oh, he's great, thanks.

Listen, I can't stay. I just stopped by to make a little announcement.

You're pregnant!

No, but thank you for asking for the 14th time this week.

What I was going to say is, I'm in charge of the center's charity clothing

drive, and I would appreciate it if next Friday you all brought some of your old

clothes in so we can sell them and raise the money.

Oh, yeah.

Any questions?

Uh, yeah.

Um, if you want to have a baby and Mitch is shooting blanks,

give me a call.

I'd rather give birth to a goat.

Then you and Mitch keep trying.

John, just give me your next phone number and I will leave you alone, I

No, Kirk, I'm not giving you our number.

Hi, Leo. Come on, John. Good night.

I'm going upstairs and you're going home.

Whoa. What the hell's going on here?

It's a little temperamental.

So, Leo, what happened to that new carpet you promised us for the fourth

What do you want with a new carpet? You're only going to spill Chinese food

it.

John,

give me your next number, please.

I said no!

Okay.

So, I'm stuck with you tonight.

So, what, you want to run around at Glankey's and get a beer? No!

I feel like it. All right, so we'll stay home and watch television.

I hear there's this special female bodybuilders, John. Two hours of oiled

women with big backs.

Clancy's it is. Let's go.

I don't know, John. I got this weird feeling that you and I are going to get

lucky tonight. Kirk, we've been to Clancy's maybe 7 ,000 times and we've

gotten lucky. Yeah.

I'm starting to think you're a jinx.

Whoa!

What the hell was that?

It's all right. It's just a little temperamental.

It's perfectly natural for you to experience a headache. You have a mild

concussion.

Oh, this couldn't have happened at a worse time.

I have to call my school to get a substitute. I haven't had a chance to do

lesson plan yet. Just relax. Your doctor assures me you'll be out of here by

tomorrow morning.

He's been moaning like that for quite a while.

Are you in pain?

No. I never felt better in my life. Have you got any more of those little pink

pills?

No more pills.

Oh, come on, please. I was having the greatest dream.

I said no.

Oh, all right.

You're going to leave a tent full of sweaty women very frustrated.

Hey, so, John, what do you want to do till they spring us? Play cards? Watch

Give me Annette's phone number? Kirk, do you mind?

I came very close to dying.

I don't have time for your nonsense.

Jeez, John, you plummet four stories in an elevator. You're a grouch all day.

Hello?

Yeah, right here.

Hang on.

It's the old ex -wife -a -roo.

Wendy? Who are you, Johnny Carson? You've only got one ex -wife.

Of course it's Wendy.

Hi, Wendy.

Wendy, it's very sweet of you to call.

I just had a mild concussion and minor bruises, so please promise me you won't

worry.

No, your check won't be late. No, you still care.

Can you believe that woman?

I nearly die in that elevator crash, and all she's worried about is her stupid

alimony check.

What does that tell you about my life?

I'm sorry, John. I wasn't listening.

I don't blame you. It wasn't worth listening to anyway.

Oh, God. You know who I am?

I'm my father.

I swore that would never happen to me.

He was a slave to a stupid furniture business. Never enjoyed life.

So what am I now? I'm a slave to a stupid prep school.

God.

My life is so boring.

You know what they're going to write on my tombstone?

Here lies John Lacey. He was born and he died.

In between, he was dull.

You know what, John?

Almost dying has made you almost interesting.

God, what a waste. What a waste of my life.

Well, no more.

I'm going to stop playing it safe. I'm going to stop living for other people

start living for myself. That is the spirit. Hallelujah, brother.

It's about time you started taking some risks, John. You know, walking the high

wire of life without a net.

Speaking of a net...

What

do you think?

Oh, you have made a really wise purchase. That hat looks wonderful on

thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm going straight to hell.

Hi. Couldn't get a cab. Couldn't get a bus. Couldn't get a subway. Have to go

the bathroom.

Hi, Louise.

Oh, God, water.

Boy, I really missed you today.

Get used to it, mister. Take me to a party and leave me alone while you talk

every other woman in the place.

Well, yes, I was talking to other women.

But what you don't know is that I was talking to them about how much I love

You expect me to believe that?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh, pretty good. We've sold a lot of stuff since you left, but as you can

there's still not much movement in the designer boutique.

Mary Beth, we've only got a few minutes left. Now face it, you are never going

to sell these dresses for $400.

Oh, darn.

Guess that means I might have to keep them.

John's literacy class will be here in a moment. We'd better wrap things up.

Oh, yeah.

People, people, let's clean up the garment district here. I got illiterates

coming in.

What are you talking about, Perry?

That's Professor Morris to you. I'm teaching John's class.

You? Yeah. What happened to John?

What's with him lately, anyway? I've been trying to reach him since he got

from the hospital. He hasn't returned any of my calls. Well, he returned my

calls. He's fine. And he asked me to come down here and tell his literacy

that he's stopping them.

He told you to tell them that?

No. He's going to write them a letter.

I don't get it. I just don't get it. That class meant so much to him. Yes, I

just can't believe he would let those people down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you people asking for this?

Twenty dollars.

Unless I'm in it.

Then it's free.

Okay, load it. And ready to go.

It's open.

Oh, hi, John.

We just wanted to stop... Scaring the fish.

I'm leaving for Key West tomorrow, so I'm practicing my underwater camera

techniques.

Come on, Freddy, show me your profile.

Hey.

Uh, John, we were a little, um... How should I put this? We've been a little

worried about you.

It's Christmas card time.

Say squid.

Why should you be worried about me?

Well, for one thing, you're posing with fish.

Yeah, they're beauties, aren't they? I just got them today. I love fish. Always

have. All my life, my father told me I couldn't have fish.

Well, he's dead now, and I'm not, so I got fish.

Hi, guys.

Sue, tell us about this little jaunt of yours to Key West. Oh, it's going to be

great. For two weeks, I'm going to be nothing but a beach bum.

Sleep out under the stars, norcle, swim, build sand castles. Not a care in the

world. But who's going to take care of your fish while you're gone?

Hey, they're just fish.

They die, they die.

John, I don't understand.

How are you getting time off from school for this little beach -bumming thing?

It's very simple. I just walked in and told the headmaster I'm taking two weeks

at leave.

But what about your literacy class?

I told Kirk to tell him I'm cancelling it. I have no time for that sort of

now.

John, if you're going to abandon the class, I would have thought you'd at

have the decency to go down there and tell them in person.

Oh, there it is again.

John, you gotta do this. John, you gotta do that. That's what's so nice about

fish. They never tell you what you gotta do.

Look, I am not responsible for the fact that those people can't read or write.

The only thing I'm responsible for is me.

Oh, come on, Louise. Let's get out of here before I do something I'm not

responsible for.

Oh, do me a favor.

If you run into the old John Lacey...

You know, the decent chap.

Tell him to drop us a postcard.

What are you looking at?

So, John.

realized that he wasn't the right person for this job. I mean, with me being a

Harvard graduate and all.

He realized, you know, that he should step down and turn the job over to a

caring, compassionate professional.

So, let me get this straight.

You guys really can't read or write?

What, are you making fun of us?

Do I sense an attitude problem?

Now, when I knew I was going to be taking over the class, I made up some

flashcards. Now, I know some of them are a little difficult, but I want you to

try your best, because I believe in rewarding all my students with a big

As I said in my book, touching is learning.

Who'd like to go first?

Why don't we go alphabetically?

Annette?

Aaron, would you put your hand down, please?

Stand up, please.

It's a little difficult, but please, try your best.

Horse?

I think we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, Kirk?

Uh, I'd like to talk to the class for a second. John, I wish you wouldn't

interrupt me here. I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough with A -N -N -E...

You know, Annette.

O -U -T, you know, out. Yeah, okay, just move it along.

Look, um... I wanted to stop by and tell you that, uh... I really had a good

time teaching you, but, uh...

Well, it's just not going to work out.

You see, certain things have happened in my life that caused me to make some

changes, so... Well,

good luck, and goodbye.

Hey, hey, hey, Marv.

I saw that.

Good. Then read it.

You are a selfish jerk.

Hey, look, pal, it's not my fault you can't read or write.

How dare you call me a... Hey, wait a minute. Marvin, you wrote

that I'm a selfish jerk. You wrote you are a selfish jerk. You did write this,

didn't you?

Yeah. I've been studying.

But, Marvin, this is sensational.

Anybody else want to write me a nasty note?

No, go ahead. Come on.

Okay.

What have we got here?

Drop dead. Very good, Judy. Very good.

Okay, we got another one.

What does this one say?

Kiss my... Bernard, remember, there are two S's in both words.

But it's a thought that counts, right?

Come on, keep him coming. Throw him. Ride him and throw him. That's great.

See what happens? I leave for two minutes and it's chaos.

Kirk, would you mind leaving?

I have a class to teach.

Wait a minute. What? You're staying?

Hey, Vernon.

Marvin, I think you're going to need this.

I'm expecting a three -syllable insult from you next week.

But I was making real progress with these people.

Kirk, you don't know the first thing about teaching.

Oh, yeah?

We'll see about that.

Could you read this to me, Annette?

Am I an educator or what?