Original subtitles

Maybe. Maybe.

Should have said that in the first place.

Naomi, Naomi, Naomi.

This must be my lucky night.

Not you again.

Excuse me. I have to go home.

For every man, there is a woman.

And you must be mine.

Oh, yeah. Like I'm really going to fall for that old line.

In my eyes.

The sun and the moon revolve around you.

Oh, that's original.

Okay.

Let's go to your place, get sweaty, and wake up the neighbors.

You should have said that in the first place.

My address is... 1 -1 -4 -6 -5

-2 -2 -7 -4... Boulevard.

Be there at 10 o 'clock.

John, my man!

Yo, dude.

What did you do? The ink wasn't dry yet. Of all the nights for you to try to be

cool. One, one, four, two, four. What have you got?

By the time

to your audience.

That's right, Aunt Greta. Naomi Frommlich.

Somewhere in Flushing.

I don't know where.

You have 18 Naomi Frommlichs?

Excuse me, do you have a 20 for two tens?

I might.

If you were going to give me two tens instead of one ten, fold it in half, you

stupid...

You look fantastic. I'm lying. So am I.

So what scam are you running these days?

Oh, hey, listen, I'm not hustling anymore.

Yeah, right. I'm strictly legit. Sure, sure.

Hey, do you remember that scam you used to pull when we were kids for comic book

money? What was that? Oh, the nickel palm. The nickel palm.

Oh, man, you were smooth.

Oh. Hey, let's see if you still got it.

Hey. Hi, Ben. Hey, Ben.

Have you got a minute?

Well, they're waiting for me. Oh, come on. It'll just take a second.

Sure, I don't use the ladies' room.

Oh, I just bet this guy a buck I couldn't guess which hand he had the

All right, all right. Keep your eye on the nickel. Yes?

Okay, what's the nickel? What's the nickel? What's the nickel?

Where is it?

That one.

All right.

It's like taking candy from a baby.

Hey, um, do you want a piece of this action, Ben?

I don't know. I'm not much of a gambling man.

Ben, come on. This isn't a riverboat. It's a community center.

Okay, I'm in. Okay, great. What do you say we make it interesting, huh? How

about a five spot this time?

Sure. You hold the bat? Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Beautiful.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Where's the nickel?

Right here in your sleeve.

You are very good. I gotta say that.

I've seen the best. I used to work at a carnival.

Ben, come on. We weren't really gonna keep your money.

Oh, good.

I'll remember that for next time.

Well, you know what they say. Easy come, easy go.

Kirk, that was my five bucks.

That's why it's easy.

So,

how did you find me? Your mother.

Your mother?

No. Your mother told me. Oh.

Now, you remember that pledge we made in ninth grade to each other?

What?

No. You finally scored with crazy Sally from the roof?

No, no.

When we said whoever made it big first would take care of the other one.

All right, look.

This is a small piece of a real estate deal. All right? I want you to hold on

it. It could be worth a few bucks. Yeah, I'll put it away for a rainy day. A

very rainy day. In fact, I'm going to put it in the ark I'm building.

Hey, come on. I want to introduce you to some people.

Hey, everybody.

I got someone I want you to meet.

This is a friend of mine from the old neighborhood. This is Slick.

Everybody!

Hi, Slick!

Well, it's not Slick anymore, Kirk. I go by my given name, Charlie.

Everybody!

Hi, Charlie!

What? My friends all call me CJ.

I'm sorry that we don't do initials.

Hey, you people should be honored. You are looking at the greatest con man on

the eastern seaboard.

Great. And what does your friend do?

I'm into investments. Real estate, mostly.

Well, listen, it was nice meeting you all, but I gotta go. So, Kirk, what do

say? Maybe you come up to my hotel later? Oh, no, I can't. I can't. I got a

date waiting for me.

Somewhere.

We are along.

In fact, you can bring all your friends along, too.

I got a penthouse over at the Beauregard.

Beauregard. Very exclusive.

Beauregard.

That's where JFK used to go to rest up.

Oh, they'll never remember me.

Oh, isn't this place just a die?

Mrs. Filbert would have loved it.

Too bad she couldn't get past. security.

That is a beautiful Monet.

Is this some kind of hotel having art like this?

Oh, no, no. The Monet is mine.

In fact, all these, the paintings, the books, they're all mine.

I take them with me wherever I go.

Yeah, well, certainly that's what I would do.

So how long have you been collecting art?

Ever since I got out of prison.

I'm not embarrassed about having gone to jail.

All right? It was the best thing that could have happened to me.

In a year and a half in that hellhole, I decided to go legit.

So when I got out, I opened up Second Chance Industries. Made a few small

investments. They turned into larger ones. Now, I'm a multimillionaire.

That does it. My kid's not going to college. He's going to prison.

Excuse me, C .J., but what's this little

play? Oh, that's Rancho Paradiso.

It's a golf resort I'm opening on an island in the Caribbean.

Yeah, I expect it to turn a very nice profit.

Wow. So, tell me, C .J., hypothetically, if a person wanted to invest

in a project like this, a person of moderate income, say, teacher's income,

I mean, hypothetically, say, me.

Oh, I'm sorry, but this is completely financed.

Oh. Danny, the only thing I have available for small investors is the K

Mini Mall project.

So, hypothetically, say... Hypothetically, the minimum investment's

Oh, hi. Yeah, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

Yeah, let me take this in the bedroom, all right? I'll put you on hold.

Yeah, that's my wife calling from Tiffany's.

I cut her off.

Five, five, five, eight thousand.

Listen, I don't know about you guys, but I say we all try to get in this mini

mall thing.

Oh, wait a minute, John. Let me get this straight.

You want us to give our hard -earned money to an ex -con named Slick?

No, you're right. Let's put it someplace safe, like a savings and loan.

Come on, come on.

Let's take a chance.

John, how do we know this whole thing's on the up and up?

Oh, come on. The man has paid his debt to society.

Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going by instinct. My instinct says

that C .J.'s on the level.

Besides, I mean, how can you not trust a man who takes leather -bound editions

of Shakespeare with him everywhere he goes?

Come on, what do you say?

All right, fine, fine, fine, fine. Have it your own way.

But I'm warning you, I don't want to catch any of your littering in my mini

-mall.

That was Kirk.

Can't make it tonight. Some kind of an emergency.

I don't know, you can't find his fromlic?

Listen, C .J., we were talking, and I, for one, would be

honored to invest in your case treatment anymore.

Wait a minute. I didn't bring you up here to invest.

I brought you up here to have a good time. Oh, yeah.

Yes, well, if you want me to have a good time, then you'll take my check.

Well, if you insist.

Well, CJ, it's been lovely, but I really have to go babysit. Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And thanks for everything, CJ. Oh, and we'll get our own coats.

You stay out of jail, you hear?

Well, it's good to be in business with you, partner.

Yeah.

John, John, you understand that with any investment, there's always some risk

involved, right? Well, of course, there's always a risk.

Oh, what men dare do, what men may do, what men daily do, not knowing what they

do.

Much ado about nothing.

You're telling me.

Greetings, wage slaves.

Wait till you hear this.

Oh, I just hate to rub it in, but...

Oh, who am I kidding? I love to rub it in.

My partner, C .J., has just doubled my money.

Isn't that great?

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you people didn't invest.

John, stop acting so superior.

Well, I can't help it. That's what rich people do.

Pull him in on the gory details, C .J., would you? Well, it was a total fluke.

Buyer came in just yesterday and bought out the whole K Street mini mall. Oh, I

just love me when I'm right.

Will you knock it off, John?

Oh, listen, I'm sorry. I did not forget you little people.

Tell them, CJ.

Yeah, one of my investors dropped out of the Rancho Paradiso deal. So he's going

to let us buy in for $10 ,000.

Dollars? No, beaver pelt. Of course, dollars.

Come on, come on, come on. What do you say? Come on.

$10 ,000 is a lot of money.

Yes, and before we leap into some precipitous action, I think we should

some serious thought.

I'm in for $1 ,000.

Kate, help me here. Oh, God, I hope I'm doing the right thing. Oh, so do I. If I

lose $1 ,000, Mitch will kill me. Well, I have a feeling we're going to make a

lot of money on this deal. All right, just keep your fingers crossed.

Are you kidding? I'm in for $6 ,000. I got everything that moves crossed.

Here's my thousand.

Here's my thousand.

Don't tell Tom that's... Here's my G -spot.

CJ, here's my six big ones.

Okay. All right.

I'm going to be going on. Have a good meeting now.

For God's sake, don't cash my check till

Tuesday.

Where are you going to get $6 ,000?

I'm just going to go to my credit union.

Oh, John.

Daddy taught me never borrow money to invest.

What do you think, I'm stupid? I'm not going to borrow it.

I'm simply going to clean out my retirement fund.

Oh, John.

You can't do that. That's all the money you have in the world.

Unbelievable.

What a week.

Eighteen Naomi Frumlicks in the phone book.

None of them are mine.

Naomi's not the only thing you missed out on. Yes.

Your friend CJ has chucked letters in on the opportunity of a lifetime.

Opportunity?

What opportunity?

Well, last week, John invested $500 in one of CJ's business deals, and he

doubled his money.

And tonight, CJ was kind enough to let us invest $10 ,000 in Rancho Paradiso.

And I don't want to brag, but six of those big ones are mine.

John, John, John, I love you like a brother.

So I can say this, and I know you'll take it in the spirit that it's

You're a moron. A world -class moron. In fact, if they ever hold a

Moron Olympics, John, you're going to make America very proud.

If I'm such a moron, then why did I double my original investment?

Because that is the basic principle by which you separate a sucker from his

money.

First, you let him win a little, and you hook him. Then, you reel him in for the

big one.

Boy, am I going to love watching you eat those words when my investment pays

off. What?

You're going to believe an ex -con and not me?

Hey, listen, I wish I could get my hands on another thousand so I can invest.

Kirk, what are you doing here? Trying to save your butt.

Kirk, what is this? Kirk, what is all this junk? Visual aids.

You've heard the expression, a picture is worth a thousand words?

Well, this picture is worth six thousand bucks.

Read.

A Department of Acquisitions, Paradiso Island, purchased by Second Chance

Industries, Charles Johnson, President.

Do you see any golf courses, John?

Any cabanas?

Any Mai Tais?

Of course there's nothing there. It hasn't been developed yet. What is to

develop, John? It is a barren wasteland. There's no trees, there's no water,

there's no soil.

It's so ugly, even the tide refuses to come in.

John.

Faith it. You have been taken.

What makes you think so?

Because this is exactly the same kind of scam that C .J. went to prison for.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

There goes my retirement fund.

I'll be teaching till I'm 106.

No human being can inhale that much chalk.

What am I going to do? I tell you what you're going to do. We're going to call

CJ and we're going to tell him we're coming over there to get your money

And don't be afraid to act tough.

That's the only thing these lowlifes understand.

Guys, guys, did you read this article in today's financial section?

No.

We're going to be rich.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, it says here.

Koala Enterprises of Sydney, Australia has offered to buy Rancho Paradiso from

Second Chance Industries for a reported sum of, get this, $240

million.

The investors are going to quadrate.

I don't mention it.

I can't believe it, darling.

Look at it.

Our own golf resort in the Caribbean.

Isn't it fun being married to a billionaire?

I must commend you, CJ, on the way this whole transaction's been handled.

Couldn't have gone smoother. Hey, that's the way I like to do business.

Oh, excuse me.

All right, C .J., we want our money back. That's right, and we want it now.

You guys are way off base. Don't you read the papers?

I sold Rancho Paradiso for a huge profit. These are the people who bought

Shills, if I ever saw them. Shills.

Shills? Shills.

What the devil are you talking about?

I'm Brian Courtney, and this is my wife, Felicia. Oh, pleasure to meet you. I'm

Sir Walter Raleigh, and this is Eva Perrone.

Buenos Dios.

Guys, nice to meet you. CJ.

Got it with Mick. Put on a pretty good show. Yeah. Fancy hotel room.

Phony buyers.

I bet this isn't even real champagne.

Yep.

That's real, all right.

CJ, who the hell are these two ratbags?

Oh, knock it off with that phony accent.

G'day, g'day, g'day, g'day.

I'm sorry about this. I'm calling security.

Fine. Fine!

Yeah, while you're at it, get our money.

I've never heard such rubbish in my life. You think that's rubbish? I'll

you rubbish. This is rubbish.

This island is just one big garbage dump.

You think that's disgusting? You want to keep discussing?

This is disgusting.

Oh, and look at what I have here.

What's that? My worthless shares of Rancho Paradiso that my good friend gave

for a rainy day. And look what's happening.

It's raining!

That's security.

Good, good. I want to tell them that you're running a scam out of their

Oh, CJ, you have made us so happy.

Happy and rich.

We brought champagne.

Anybody bring a straight jacket?

What happened here?

Why are you such a mess?

Yeah, why? I'll tell you why. Because I just saved us all from financial

rupture.

Well, this ought to really open your eyes then.

Read.

$240 million.

How about that?

I guess the joke's on me.

Let me see that.

These are $6 ,000.

You girls shouldn't have to suffer for this. You're going to make a huge

Yeah, oh, and by the way, Kirk, those shares you tore up, they're worth about

$27 ,000.

$27 ,000?

Oh, my.

I told you once, I told you a million times, never!

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