Original subtitles

By the time...

I got to tell you, this is a major imposition.

Well, I'm sorry, Kirk. I'm flat broke. I need the hundred bucks you owe me. Are

you sure, John?

You know, you could save a lot of money in taxes if you write me off as a loss.

Look, I promised Kate I was going to throw Mitch a great bachelor's party.

I don't get paid till next week. I still have to get the food, please. John,

what food? What are you worried about food for?

Once these guys see the stripper, they won't be able to eat.

They'll be too busy stepping on each other's bones.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no stripper. I don't want some woman taking off her

clothes in my apartment.

You're right. Why break with tradition?

Okay, no stripper, but the stag film's gonna have to be dynamite, John.

May I suggest Bubbles Does Boise?

I am an orker.

Nobody, nobody is as depraved as you are.

Nobody, huh? Nobody.

Oh. Then how come whenever I go to rent that video, it's always up?

Gentlemen.

What? I'm entering my PIN number here.

Oh, no!

No! What?

Oh, no! This hunk of microchips just ate my car!

Sorry, John.

Now I can't get your money.

Oh, this is great.

You did it, buddy. You brought the machine

to its knees.

Who cares? Come on, John. Give a rich man a hand here. Sir, you can't keep the

money. You'll be committing a felony.

Who?

All we know is it could be a public relations ploy, John.

The feds could be trying to win me over.

They don't give money. They give small appliances.

So maybe they ran out of toasties.

Okay, okay, okay. You get caught. Don't expect any help from me. As far as I'm

concerned, I was never here.

Here you go. It's open!

Hey! Hey, Herb! Steve!

This is John Lacey, our host. Hey, guys, how you doing? How you doing, John?

Food's on the table, drinks in the cooler, guns on the desk.

Hey, John, it's real nice of you to throw Miss Bachelor Party for me.

I hope you don't mind putting up with a room full of cops.

No, no, no, my pleasure.

Besides, there's been a lot of robberies around here lately. I was going to ask

you all to move in.

If you were this bunch of guys, you're better off getting robbed.

No, I'm sure I wouldn't like your friends. I pride myself in fitting in

everybody, you know? The teacher rackets you. You meet all kinds.

Yeah. Oh, it's open!

Rocco!

Let the games begin!

Hey, Rocco, this is John Lacey. Rocco, a pleasure.

Hey, likewise.

Thanks. Okay, boys, it's nine o 'clock, and the best -looking legs in the place

are mine.

Oh, yeah.

Bring out the stripper. All right.

Listen,

guys, to tell you the truth, I didn't get one.

What? Well, I thought we'd just hang. You know, bond.

Bond?

Did I say bond?

I didn't mean bond. I mean, look at bond.

There's a nice tawny port in the kitchen.

Come on, Rocco. There's some real booze in there, too.

What kind of party is this? No stripper.

Hey, it's open.

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Boy, what a day.

Little kid comes into the precinct, lost his puppy.

So, I take him out in the squad car.

We looked everywhere.

We're just about to give up.

When I hear this yip, yip, yip coming from a box in the alley.

The dog and the kid started running at each other, you know, like in a movie.

The dog started licking his face.

It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

Okay, so his gun is up my nose, right? I really hate when a gun is up my nose.

So, of course, I know I'm dead. I close my eyes, I'm praying. And just when I

think it's all over, Morty here comes in and grabs him.

Hey, way to go, Morty. What a punk.

I get them from behind.

Ba -da -boom, ba -da -bing.

Works every time.

So, John, you a cop, too?

No, a teacher.

How in the ghetto?

Private school.

Yeah, you'd be surprised.

Got to deal with a lot of arrogance, you know.

Yeah, I mean, like just this past week at the school.

I was on hall patrol.

Alone.

I walked by the broom closet.

I smell something.

Well, I'm not afraid. I walk right in.

I catch her, red -handed.

Cindy Petticoff.

Smoking.

A joint?

A cigarette.

Unfiltered.

What a mouth on this kid, I'm telling you guys.

So, what'd you do? What could I do? I sent it back to homeroom. Ba -da -boom,

-da -bing.

Mary Beth, do we have to play this silly game?

You're just grumpy because you lost at bobbing for clothespins and pin the tail

on the stallion.

Why don't we try bobbing for stallions?

Oh, all right, then.

Well, let's just do girl talk.

Bridal Shower Magazine recommends we do that, too.

You start, Louise.

Perhaps we should begin by discussing Kate's impending nuptial.

Well, whatever we do, let's get on with it. My ankles are starting to swell.

Kate, I have to tell you, you are so lucky to be marrying Mitch.

Kate?

Kate?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking about how lucky I am to be marrying Mitch.

Oh, I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to married life.

Sleeping every night in someone's arms. Sharing little private jokes.

Maybe we'll move to the suburbs.

I'll garden. He'll smoke a pipe.

I'll grow basil and can peaches.

We want to talk to Kate.

No, it's wonderful.

I can finally watch couples holding hands and be willing to let them live.

I know what you mean. You do?

Well, no.

But the shower magazine says, never disagree with the bride.

Well, thank you, Mary Beth.

I'm just so glad I'm not going to be single anymore.

All those feelings of loneliness and desperation.

I beg your pardon, but...

single people lead rather rich, fulfilling lives. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry. Don't be upset.

Upset? Why should I be upset? I have a wonderful life.

I have a son whom I adore. I have my friends, my career, and I have my

I don't have to worry about some big, hairy slab of a man who wanted to go for

endless walks along the beach.

I can't live dinners in trendy little restaurants.

I'm an old woman and I like it that way.

Louise, it's not as if being married is a bed of roses.

I mean, Mitch and I have our problems.

Don't fumer me. I hate to be fumered.

What problems?

Well, I don't know. We haven't really known each other that long, but I'm sure

there'll be problems.

Of course.

But by the time you find out all the things you can't stand about each other,

you'll already be married, so it won't matter.

Mitch,

you are totally screwed.

Mitch, I'm warning you. Once you get married, your life is over.

It's like going to the electric chair.

Only without the warmth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are right. Maybe I should just kill myself

and get it over with. Trust me, you'd be better off.

Hey, married life isn't so bad.

Unless, of course, you come home at night.

Hey, let's turn on the television and see if there's anything on about that

scuzz that Big's nailed today.

You nailed the scuzz today. Way to go, Biggsmeister.

Well, the market is down, but the crime is up, which brings us to our next

story. Tonight, the Bayside National Bank was robbed of over $1 ,200.

That's right, Mario.

Well, believe it or not, the bad guys have found a new way to rob a bank.

The suspect somehow jammed the automated teller machine, causing $20 bills to

spew forth.

But, Dale, the good news is that the bank's hidden camera caught the... a

suspect in the act.

If you see this man, please contact the police.

You guys are going to die laughing when you hear this story.

You have the right to remain

silent. Oh, jeez, I don't know how Katie's going to take this. Mitch, you

up the right to remain silent. Mitch, it's me, John.

Mr. Law -abiding. I'm no criminal. I'm an English teacher.

Good. Then we'll look forward to reading your confession.

I'm innocent, don't you understand? John, I want to believe you. Look, the

thing's a misunderstanding.

I'm not the one who took the money from the bank. It was Kirk.

Oh, Kirk.

Now that makes more sense.

Mitch, come on. We got no choice.

We got to take him in. Yeah, come on. Let's get going. Now, look, guys, it's

Saturday night. The precinct will be a madhouse. Yeah, guys, who needs that

of hassle?

So we book him, catch a late movie. The evening's not a total loss.

Gentlemen, the party has arrived.

Hit it, honey.

These are grown men. That is a stripper. What is to explain?

Kirk, you and I are going to have a nice plan chat in the kitchen.

Yes, sir. Yes, excuse me. Excuse me. Would you like to share with me?

Oh, come on. Hey, excuse me. I've got to call Kate. What are you, some kind of a

deviant? What's the stripper?

Have a seat, Kirk. Make yourself comfortable. John, the stripper is

Come on, humor me, Kirk. Sit.

John. Sit.

Some apple brown, Betty?

Oh, you bet.

Hey, Kurt, tell me, how long have we known each other? Oh, what is it going

Four years now. Really?

It seems much longer.

That's a good time to get out of the way. All the best.

Yeah, like that time you sold me a ticket to Hawaii and I ended up stranded

Alaska.

Or that time you took me to Tavern on the Green for my birthday and you faked

having an aneurysm just before the check came.

Or that time I was out of town and you sublet my apartment to that Greek couple

who slaughtered a goat in my kitchen.

Oh, memories.

We're still having good times, aren't we? Yeah.

Hey, would you like to hear a humorous story?

I love stories. Yeah? Oh, good.

There I was, sitting around with a bunch of New York's finest, watching the

news, when my face appeared on the TV.

It seems a certain bank was robbed of a certain $1 ,240, and the police know the

entire world thinks I did it.

Do I detect a hint of nutmeg?

I could go to jail, Kirk.

So I want that $1 ,240.

And I want it now.

Oh, what bum luck. I don't have it on me, Jack.

Well, why don't you just go and get it and bring it here? Because there's

something, there's something you really should know.

I will not go to jail for robbery.

But I will happily do time for manslaughter.

Give me 15 minutes.

Judd? What?

There's just one thing I gotta know.

What?

How do you get your nostrils to flare like that?

Try to relax, Kate.

Cucumber slices are the best thing for curing headaches.

I feel so sick. Stupid.

You should. You look like a little orphan Annie.

What am I going to do?

Hey, don't you think you're overreacting? Are you kidding?

Mary Beth said it herself.

Mitch and I don't know each other. We're practically strangers.

But... Is there something you're not telling us, Kate?

Is there a... No, Louise, there's no sexual problem. Oh.

There's no problem at all. except that Mitch has no idea who I really am.

Last Saturday, he told me he loved ice hockey.

So jerk that I am, I batted my eyelashes and said, Oh, wow, me too.

I hate ice hockey. I hate how they bash each other. Plus, I can never see the

puck. I don't believe there is a puck.

So just tell him you're a normal woman and you hate ice hockey. Yeah, what's

big deal?

That's just the beginning.

The other night we went over to my place.

He threw his coat on the couch.

And?

You know I'm certifiably neat.

I wanted to hang up that coat.

I needed to hang up that coat.

But I thought if I hang up that coat, he'll know that I'm mentally ill. So all

night long that coat cried out to me, Kate, Kate, hang me, hang me.

I almost did. But just as I was about to drop off, I thought, what if I grind my

teeth? Ew.

Do you grind your teeth?

I don't know. I'm asleep.

But I know that I drool. Oh, God. What's he going to do when he sees me sleeping

with my mouth open in this little puddle of drool?

Hey, you're really starting to gross me out.

Then there's my temper.

I have never once yelled at him, never once cried, never been bitchy.

The poor man has no idea what he's letting himself in for.

I'm either premenstrual, postmenstrual, menstrual, or ovulating.

I've had two normal days in my entire life.

Just a hunch, but this isn't one of them, is it?

put our best foot forward when we're courting.

I'm sure Mitch expects a certain slackening of standards.

Hello? Oh, God, the fish.

What fish?

Mitch's favorite dish is poached salmon. I told him there's nothing I love more

than poaching a fish.

I've never poached a stupid fish in my life.

Kate, it's your fella.

No.

Hi, sweetheart.

Yeah, I'm having a terrific time.

Yeah, there's just one little thing.

I despise ice hockey. I hate it when you throw your coat on the couch, and I

can't poach a salmon, so we might as well break up.

What?

Uh -huh.

Fill a pan with water.

Bay leaf, chopped onion, half a cup of white wine.

And that's it?

Really?

Well, yeah.

Okay.

Really? What?

Oh, you promise?

What do you think?

Yeah, me too.

You will never guess who I... Where is everybody?

Oh, they went off with Ramona to a feminist poetry reading.

Turns out Rocco.

Rocco is a big Sylvia Plath fan.

Where's the money?

Oh, well, that's... You will never guess who I ran into on the way over here.

Henry Kissinger.

He's down on his luck. You saw him outside the U .N. washing the

diplomats' cars. You had hard bled for him. You gave him $1 ,240.

Will you give me the money?

20, 40. It's all there, John. Trust me.

Minus, of course, the 100 for Ramona.

100?

Okay, 50.

I'll forget my finder's fee.

Let's get going. What?

Come on, come on, come on. Go, go, go, go. Go, go. What is the rush?

What is the rush? I'll tell you what is the rush.

Mitch told me if we don't get this money down to the precinct by midnight, you

and I are going to jail. That's a good reason to rush.

Give me all your money.

Do what he says, John.

Do what he says? You couldn't think of anything more original than this? Huh?

Give me that.

How low can you stoop, sending a friend over here with a fake gun?

Coming up next on an all -new Reasonable Doubt, a cop commits an

unspeakable crime, and Dickie and Tess must take on the force to put him behind

bars and emotionally charge Reasonable Doubt.

And tomorrow afternoon, see the greatest and get the latest when Ahmad Rashad

and Willow Bay host NBA Inside Stuff tomorrow on NBC Sports.

Oh, by the way, Louise, what are we going to have?

Oh, my mouth is watering from thinking of it.

We're starting off with whitebait, kippers, bangers and mash, then

pie and my favorite, stuffed tripe.

Who's the caterer you were thinking of?

Well, get it, John. That's what we're having.

Stuffed tripe? That's what I had at my wedding.

Just one question.

Do you eat it or throw it?

I guess that takes care of everything. Except the champagne.

Good. Then there is something I can do. I have this relative. It's my mother's

sister's cousin's second cousin's brother's sister's nephew's boy.

Or something like that.

Anyway, he owns a liquor store.

Can he give us a good deal?

He will if I can prove we're related.

Just remember, no champagne for Tom or me.

Last time we had champagne, the room started spinning.

Too much to drink, Mrs. Philbin? No, they tied us to the ceiling fan.