Original subtitles

Leaked my door and kissed me on the lips,

heart.

And he said he'd call.

And, typical, I haven't heard from him since.

Hey, Kate, there's a lot of reasons why a guy wouldn't call.

Maybe he's on a business trip. Maybe he lost your number.

Maybe he found a babe with bigger...

What? I was just trying to cheer her up.

On that smarmy note, perhaps we'd better move on to our newest member.

You haven't said a word all evening.

Would you like to share?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, come on, come on. We've all been through it. No, I've never done this in

front of so many people before. I don't think I can go through with it. I

just don't want you to think less of me.

You sure?

You sure?

All right, well, here goes.

This is a stick -up.

my entire life flashed before my eyes.

How'd you manage to stay awake?

Grab the other end.

Okay, you can all relax and call the police.

It's funny.

People say you can never get a hold of a cop in New York City when you want one.

I got right through to Death Sergeant O 'Rourke, and he promised me they'd send

someone over here in no time.

Oh, then they're on their way.

I doubt it.

Just trying to make you feel better.

Louise, you sure you're okay?

I'm fine. I can keep it.

You just look a little pale.

On the other hand, you always look a little pale.

Well, I'm going to go make some more coffee. We'll probably be stuck waiting

here for hours.

Oh, perfect.

Just perfect.

I got to get home and feed Snuffy, Puffy, and Snowball.

Who?

Fluffy, Snuffy, and Fluffy, Puffy, and Snowball. These terrible cats.

Since when do you have cats?

No, no, no. They belong to Mrs.

Olofsson, my upstairs neighbor.

Yeah, she's a 92 -year -old Norwegian lady who I've been helping out lately.

I'm not a poor, sweet woman. She can't take care of herself, so I've been

lending her a hand until she can move in with her daughter.

This wouldn't buy it. Any chance be that poor sweet woman in the rent

-controlled apartment with the built -in bookshelf and the extra bedroom?

Don't forget the breakfast nook.

John, you hypocrite. What? You're pretending you care about this poor,

old lady when all you really want to do is snag her apartment.

My man.

Yes, Mary Beth.

The guy took my grandmother's watch.

You mean the one with the velvet band and the rosettes all around the face?

Oh, well, this just gets worse and worse.

I was going to borrow that.

Excuse me. Is this the one -to -one club?

Yeah, something.

Wow, I can't believe how fast you made it.

Well, lucky for you, some guy got shot across the street.

Well, who says we don't get the breaks?

I'm Sergeant Curlin. This is Officer Biggs. Hey, this is Sergeant. I know you

want to question everybody, but can I go first? Do you mind? Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, because there's someplace I've got to be.

Sure. Tell me what happened.

Well, this jerk pretended to be a group member, and then he just held us up at

gunpoint. What did he look like?

He was a little guy, 5 '6", 5 '7". Of course, the gun made him look a lot

taller.

Anything more to go on? Well, he had dark hair, slight build.

You don't come to think of it, he looked... Kind of like this guy George

Lamaze class.

You see, my wife left me three years ago for my best friend.

Well, he's not my best friend anymore.

As a matter of fact, she's not my wife anymore.

And, uh, well, now she's going to have my baby.

I know, I know, that sounds kind of strange.

But, well, you're a New York cop.

Must have heard a lot of strange stories in that.

Not really.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go put an old Norwegian lady to sleep.

Interesting guy.

What my civilian friend was trying so ineptly to say is basically what we got

here is a 207.

What's a 207?

What's a 207?

What's a 207?

I love a cop with a sense of humor.

Would you do me a favor, pal? Sure. Seeing as how you're a professional,

you could help Officer Biggs check with the other groups in the building.

10 -4.

Okay, Biggs.

Let's move up.

Smoke them if you got them.

Thanks a bunch, Sarge.

Okay. I'll need to get your stories.

One at a time.

Well, it all started in the back seat of a 37 Buick.

Thank you, ma 'am.

How about I start with you?

You'll be back.

Name?

Kate McCarron.

Mrs. Kate McCarron. No, I'm divorced.

Uh -huh.

What'd he take?

Well, he got the house, the car, and the best damn years of my life.

I mean the guy who held you up.

Oh, oh, him.

All he got was a few dollars in cash and the watch that my grandmother gave

me. Oh, that's too bad.

You like Mexican food?

What does that have to do with the robbery?

Nothing. I shouldn't have asked.

Now, look, I'm due back at the precinct. Officer Biggs will get the rest of your

statements. Thank you.

One last thing.

Yes?

It's my card.

If for any reason, any reason at all, you want to get in touch with me, any

reason at all.

Well, thank you, Sergeant Kerland.

Mitch.

Look, I was out of line when I asked you about the Mexican food. It was really

unprofessional. Oh, hey, forget it.

Oh, so you'll think about it?

Well, uh, Mitch, it's not to say that I don't like Mexican food.

Yeah?

It's just that at this point in my life, I'm not all that interested in...

eating.

Hang on to my card.

You never know when you'll get your appetite back.

Kate! Why in heaven's name did you turn him down?

The police officer was adorable.

Yes, he'd be perfect for you.

In case of an emergency, you wouldn't even have to get out of bed to dial 911.

Yeah, and best of all, he's got his own handcuffs.

If you want to know why I turned him down, I'll tell you why.

Because knowing my luck, I'll go out for a Mexican dinner with him, and I'll

have a lovely evening.

I hate lovely evenings.

Lovely evenings only turn into more lovely evenings. So then I'll keep

him, and pretty soon I'll be in a happy, committed relationship.

And then, one day, it'll all fall apart. And there I'll be, with my looks gone,

my prospects...

He just wanted a taco.

Kenny! Oh, here, if you like him so much, you call him. Now, if you'll

me. Kenny!

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

So she's in the back of my squad car. She's going into labor.

She's screaming. My partner is screaming. Oh, and you, you're Mr.

Cool. Are you kidding? They're screaming at me to stop screaming.

Wait a minute. Who delivered the baby?

I'll give you a hint.

They named it Mitch.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Yeah, cutest little girl you ever saw.

Oh, Mitch, I had a lovely evening.

I forgot. I brought you something. I was checking the pawn shops for your

grandmother's watch.

You found it? No, but I got you this instead.

Oh, a Dick Tracy watch?

This is great. How did you ever think of that?

I'm a cop. We all got them.

Oh, I love it. It's adorable.

Look, before this conversation gets any cuter...

Suppose I told you I had a couple of tickets for the Knicks game this Friday

night. Would you be interested?

Oh, Friday nights, I always go to the 1 -2 -1 club.

I've been going there for over three years, and I've never missed a meeting.

It's really important to me.

Pitch up at 7?

Why so late?

Louise, where's Kate not?

She's out again with her policeman.

story, that woman is driving me crazy.

Yeah, John, before you know it, I'll be moving in with my daughter.

And you can have my apartment.

She's gonna live there till she's a hundred.

Why shouldn't she? She hasn't had to lift a finger since she met me.

John, bring me a nice glass of schnapps.

John, put on the television.

And don't forget to feed Puffy, Fluffy, and Snowball.

I like to feed them to each other.

They're flea machines.

Do you know what it's like waking up in the middle of the night and feeling

something bite you?

Save it, Mrs. Pilgrim.

I came this close, this close to telling Mrs. Olofsson what she could do with

those cats.

And then I looked at all that closet space.

Oh, those floor -to -ceiling shelves.

And I think, ah, what the hell, a couple of fleas.

How much can it cost to get myself dipped?

Well, I'm not.

And I never want to hear his rotten name again.

That flatfoot had the gall to stand me up. I waited for him for over an hour

a half.

According to this crummy watch he gave me. Well, I'm certainly glad that this

happened before I got emotionally involved.

Kay, really?

You can't just throw a watch away.

Especially a gift.

Oh.

It's one of those.

just called with a message from Mitch.

Oh, charming. He didn't even have the decency to call himself.

So what's his lame excuse?

Oh, first of all, he's okay. It's nothing serious.

Oh, my God, he's been shot.

Oh, Kate, Kate, stop jumping the conclusion.

No, she can jump. He was shot.

Oh, no.

Oh, but it was just a flesh wound.

The hospital's letting him out tomorrow. Hospital?

Oh, my God.

What hospital?

Uh, Queens General.

about you after that robbery last week. So I'm beefing up security around here.

Oh, good.

If you have any trouble, you have any trouble at all, you push this button and

Willie will come running. He's the new guard at the front door. Watch.

Willie.

Come in, Willie.

Can you hear me, Willie?

I think his name is Willie.

Well, I think an intercom's a jolly good idea.

Smashing.

Oh, wow.

What?

I just love that English accent of yours.

You can make even dumb things sound smart.

Oh,

shoot.

Damned if I can't.

Oh. Here, this ought to do it.

Come in, Willie.

Willie, can... Yo, Willie, can you hear me?

There is a bell.

Well, you get the idea.

Thanks again, Ben.

Stop it, Louie. This is just a trick.

wonderful news today.

That rotten thief won't be able to use my Bloomingdale's charge card after all.

Why not?

I'm a thousand dollars over my limit.

Okay, how's Mitch?

Feeling better?

Oh, he's fine.

And I'm fine.

In fact, everything is really, really fine. I'm breaking up with him.

The other night it was 20 minutes late for dinner. I panicked. I was so upset I

grabbed the yellow pages and started calling every hospital in town.

I can't be with a man whose life is always on the line.

Kay, you've only known Mitch a couple of weeks.

Which is why I'm getting out now before I get in any deeper.

So what are you going to tell him?

I don't know.

How do you get rid of a man without hurting his feelings?

I usually tell him we only have the room till noon.

Fluffy, Fluffy, get down from there. Get down from there.

No, Paul, don't do that. Don't do that.

Stay, stay, stay, Fluffy, stay, stay. Stay, stay, stay, stay.

Damn you.

Yeah, I'm coming.

Kirk, I cannot deal with you right now. I've got to bathe Mrs. Olofsson's cats.

All right, well, hurry up, John. It's going to be a great day.

We're talking a three -point spread.

And, John, I brought the beer.

John,

you are killing yourself.

That old broad is taking advantage of you. She is not taking advantage of me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get her ironing finished before I take her

to bingo.

Why is a bedspread?

Oh, it's her nightie.

Whoa.

She is a large woman.

When she moves up, John, you're going to need the jaws of life to pry her out of

that doorway.

Thank you very much, Kirk. Thank you.

Are you happy now?

You wrinkled the pleats.

John, would you listen to yourself, please?

All of this housework stuff is not going to get in her apartment.

You want to think about romancing her, John?

You know, third on the old lacy chart.

Are you crazy?

You drove your ex -wife out of the house.

I'm Barbara Olofsson, Mrs.

Olofsson's daughter.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you. I'm John Lacey. I just wanted to let you know

the elevator will be tied up for a little while.

It's moving day.

It's moving day?

Hey, did you hear that, Kirk?

It's moving day.

And, Mr. Lacey, I do want to thank you for being so nice to Mama.

Oh, listen, the pleasure is all mine.

She's a lovely lady.

Hey, is there anything I can do to help your mom move out?

She's not moving out. I'm moving in.

Excuse me?

She's moving in.

How could I not?

That apartment is so wonderful and cheap.

But Mama doesn't want your kindness to go unrewarded. She wants you to have the

cat.

You're kidding, right?

No, really.

Oh, just your luck. I'm allergic to the little devils.

Mama knows how attached you've become to them.

Bye, neighbor.

Charlie, know how rotten you must feel.

And you probably want to be alone, so I'm just going to get out of your way,

on home, call everyone I know, and tell them what a pathetic yucks you are.

Mitch.

Hello, Kate.

I got your warm and personal message on my answering machine that said you're

dumping me.

Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I know we should have sat down and talked like two civilized people.

But, Mitch, I'm not cut out to be involved with a cop.

I can't take the uncertainty.

Okay, I understand.

Suppose I quit the force.

Well, I can't ask you to do that.

Okay, I'll take a desk job.

The worst thing that can happen is one night someone will call you up and tell

you I died of boredom.

Please don't make this any more difficult.

I'm trying to make it as easy as I can. Well, you're doing a rotten job.

This has nothing to do with my being a cop, does it?

Mitch. That's just an excuse.

Mitch. If I was Santa Claus, you'd break up with me because I work Christmas

Eve.

You are so wrong. Am I?

You're afraid to get involved.

You're afraid that if you fall in love with me, I might love you back, and God

forbid you end up happy. Hey, pal, you left out the part where I get my heart

broken. Now, no man is ever going to do that to me again. I don't care how

wonderful you are.

I'll tell you what.

Maybe I was pushing too hard. I know I do that. I'm sorry.

What do you say we start over again? Give it another try.

What do you mean?

Well, I'll call you up. Maybe we'll go out on a couple of harmless dates and

we'll see how it goes.

This time we'll take it real slow.

I guess we could do that.

While we're taking it slow, seeing how it goes.

No reason why we couldn't get married.

I'm pushing too hard again, huh?

Well,

Mitch, you just have to realize that you just proposed, I think.

Yeah.

Well, you know, it's... You're flustered, aren't you? No, I'm not

It's just that it's a big...

It's a big, uh... Decision. Decision, thank you. I'll have you know I do

Luster.

Kate. What?

It's not your apartment.

I know that.

Mitch, will you say something?

You have the right to remain.