Original subtitles

What? Hey, Kirk, do me a favor.

Drop dead.

Hey, hey, hey, come on. Let's not let a little nudity be a deal breaker here.

Hey,

Pete, how's it going? Oh, hey, Kirk.

Not so good, actually. I just found out I got laid off.

Oh, no. Yeah.

So I'm going to have to get rid of my brand new Porsche.

And we'll probably lose the house.

And I guess my mom's going to have to...

Cancel her eye operation.

Oh.

Damn, that really stinks.

Yeah.

So, what are you asking for the Porsche?

Well, actually, I just need somebody to take over the payments for me. You know,

so don't repossess and screw up my credit. You know, it's $600 a month.

Are you interested?

$600? That's what I pay for rent.

Can't give up my apartment for some stupid car.

Well, yeah, it may be stupid, but hey, look at it this way.

For just $600 a month, you're getting a Porsche.

Wow.

You're getting a Porsche?

So.

Oh,

Ben! Thank God!

Oh, hi!

The center's finally got us a new air conditioner.

Well, actually, it's not new. It's slightly used. Who am I kidding?

This thing's a relic.

It's got this really nice wood.

That's not true either.

It's some kind of brown plastic.

But at least you don't have to worry about it catching fire when it

Unless you turn it on.

Hi, Louise.

Hello, Mrs. Hilbert.

Dan, we drove out to the Hamptons so he could show me his new yacht, the S .S.

Mary Beth.

He named a yacht after you?

I never thought of that.

air conditioner.

May I say something?

Of course, Ben.

Well, I just want to say that you women look absolutely beautiful tonight.

And I'm saying it because I mean it.

Not because I think this air conditioner is never going to work.

You never break if you want to hold on to your sanity.

Never, ever, under any circumstances, buy your mother a margarita.

What happened, John?

Oh, I spent the afternoon in this charming little Mexican restaurant

to this old lady with a salt mustache.

After two margaritas and a half pound of guacamole, she breaks the news to me

that my father had had an affair.

Yes, Mrs. Pilgrim, he is. The affair happened when I was a kid.

Who was she?

She was a waitress. Who cares who she was? The main thing is, they broke up

their marriage.

I mean, I was only 15 years old when my father and mother got a divorce, and I

was robbed of having a father when I really needed one.

I mean, how could two intelligent people break up their marriage over some silly

little affair?

I don't understand.

You see, I was only 15 years old. Hey, Ben. Ben?

Ben, do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

Look, I'm almost finished. If I could just get someone to hold this.

Yeah, okay. All right, all right. I'll hold it.

You're holding it? Yeah, I'm holding it. Yeah.

John, all this happened such a long time ago. I know it happened a long time

ago. Don't you think you should just let go?

No, Louise, it's not that.

You stopped holding it, didn't you?

Well, wait until you need a favor someday.

Hi, Ben.

Ben. Ben.

My main man.

You live alone, right?

How'd you like a roommate?

Well, I could use someone to help out with the rent.

Ben, get real. I just spent my rent money on a new Porsche.

Okay.

Well, then you can let me use the car every other night.

I like babes.

Have you got a garage where you live?

No. No?

No. You expect me to park my car on the street and my chrome rims wouldn't last

30 seconds?

Don't worry about it, Ben. Maybe John will let me move in with him.

Okay, but I wouldn't ask him right now. He's really stressed out.

I just found out that his dad had an affair with some waitress when John was

kid.

Why does everything always happen to me?

How the hell did you afford a car like that? Oh, simple money management, John.

I robbed Peter to pay Porsche.

Hey, John, you got a garage in this building, right? Yeah, but it's just for

tenants, so you forget about it. Okay, okay.

Hey, buddy, come on.

Come on, come on. We gotta moose up and move out.

Not going anywhere tonight, Kirk. I had a rough day.

Oh, no? What happened?

I just found out something very disturbing about my father.

Your father? Yeah, so if you don't mind, I would like to be alone tonight so

that I could sort things out.

Well, John, if you need someone to talk to, I want you to know I'm here. I don't

care how long it takes. A week, a month, a year. All right, all right, Kirk.

What do you want? You want to borrow my apartment?

What? Hey, hey, hey!

I take Umbridge.

Your apartment is the furthest thing from my mind.

Why is he with everybody?

Every time I try and do something nice, they act like I'm after something.

Not everybody, just the people who know you. Hey, John!

Kirk, there is no way you could possibly help. You haven't got the faintest idea

what I'm going through about my father. Oh, yeah, right. Like you're the only

one who ever learned something disturbing about his old man.

You don't know what disturbing is. Let me tell you something, Mr.

Smart Guy.

My father never said a kind word to me his entire life.

He resented me from the day I was born. And do you want to know why?

Why? I wouldn't tell you if you got down on your knees and...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I would like to go. Yes, sit yourself.

Okay, I'll tell you.

My father resented me because my mother cheated on him.

Yeah? Yeah.

She got pregnant.

And...

I sprang from the loins of a stranger.

John, I'm a love child.

Gee, I'm, uh... I had no idea. I've gone through my entire miserable life not

knowing who my real father is.

All she told me was he was some guy from upstate New York, some town called

Bingham... Oh, Banghamton?

Binghamton! That's it.

Well, that's where I'm from, remember?

John, please.

We're talking about me here, remember?

Anyway, she said he was some sort of carpenter.

Carpenter? Yeah.

He worked with wood or something.

My father was a cabinetmaker. Please.

Come on.

No, no, I mean, this is really... This is crazy. My mother just told me today

that my father had had an affair.

No.

No, no, no, I mean it, yeah. With some woman in Scranton.

Scranton?

Why would anyone go to Scranton?

I couldn't wait to grow up and get the hell out of there.

You lived in Scranton?

Yeah. In an apartment above the diner my parents sold.

Diner?

This is so crazy.

What?

Um, um, your mother wouldn't buy any...

Chance could have been a waitress, would she? A waitress?

My mother?

John, she'd be very angry to hear you say that.

She happened to be the head waitress.

This is really strange.

What? No.

No, it can't be.

What? The coincidences. What?

Coincidences. Your mother, a waitress in Scranton, having an affair with a man

from Binghamton. And my father, a man from Binghamton, having an affair with a

waitress in Scranton.

What are you getting at? What am I getting at?

Read between the lines.

John, I have a pull that you could even suggest such a thing.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

I'm not even making any sense.

They were in the early 60s. I mean, you weren't even born until 61. Yep, that

would be the early 60s.

Oh, my God.

I don't know what you're after, Lacey.

I don't know why you're trying to worm your way into my bloodline, but you can

just forget it.

to do.

Well, I just wouldn't call him anymore.

Boy, I wish I knew about this group when Tina and I split up. Tina was your

wife? Fiance.

At least she was until I found out she was sleeping with my best friend Smitty.

After that, I don't know, we kind of drifted apart.

Oh, you poor thing.

Did this happen recently?

No, no. It was back when I was a forest ranger.

One day, I got done doing all of my forest stuff.

You know, your basic checking trees for parasitic carnivores.

Uh -huh.

Well, anyway, I get home, and I find Tina in bed with my best friend Smitty.

So you just walked out on her?

Oh, you bet I did.

Well, actually, I hung around till they finished so I could get my engagement

ring back.

But anyway, there it is.

You guys have got yourselves an air conditioner.

Well, is it okay to turn it on?

I wouldn't.

Mrs. Philbit, where is everybody?

Well, I guess they left.

Oh, great.

Just right.

I've got to talk to somebody.

Mrs. Philbert, Mrs. Philbert, Mrs. Philbert, please. I have to talk to

Would you mind?

Please. Uh, Mrs. Philbert?

I think I'm losing my mind.

Now, I keep telling myself everything's going to be okay, but I just can't seem

to get myself to believe it.

Oh, I've been through crises before, but this is frightening. This is

terrifying. Mrs. Philbert, there is good reason to believe that Kirk Morris is

my... Related to me.

I found this out. I didn't want to believe it. So I just went to see Kirk's

mother. And I actually had the gall to ask her if she'd had an affair with my

father. She did.

Kirk is.

We are.

Mrs. Philbert, do you understand what I'm telling you? Kirk Morris is my...

I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but I just had to talk to somebody about it.

Please, tell me what you're thinking.

I'm wondering where the hell everybody went.

What the hell is this?

I'm sorry, John.

What's on your mind?

What is going on? How did you get in here? I bribed the super.

What? By the way, you owe him 20 bucks.

John, what is all your stuff doing here? Hey, John, John, John, John. I talked

to my mom today.

She said it was true.

Hey.

You think you're living here with me?

Don't you think Dad would have wanted it that way? Now, look, look.

You may be my...

But you are not living here. You understand that?

Already it's starting. Sibling rivalry. I love her.

Oh,

John.

Oh, it would have been great growing up with a brother like you. I mean, we

always would have been there for each other. Close.

Now, look, you are not living here.

Now, let's get that straight.

Oh, sure. Nice. Just get me out on the streets. I get it. Like father, like

One brings me into the world, the other one throws me out. All right, all right.

A week, but then you're out of here. Thanks, bro.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to go take an enormous amount of aspirin.

Oh, I'll get it, mon frere.

Frere Jacques.

Mom. What did you do with my social security check?

What? Like you think I would steal my own mother's Social Security, Jack?

In a New York minute.

Such a kidder. Mom, I was just holding it for you so it wouldn't get lost.

Hand it over.

And I'm not kidding.

Hey, Kirk, what did you do with Mom? John, you've met Mumsie, right?

Oh, yeah. It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Morris.

I'll see you in the kitchen for a minute. Oh, yes.

Mom, I'll be right back. Don't go away.

What the hell are you doing bringing your mother over here? I live here,

remember? Well, I don't care. You've got to get her out of here because my

mother's on her way over here.

Gee, I wish you'd checked with me first.

Listen, you get her out of here or there's going to be bloodshed. Yours.

You've got a lot to learn about brotherly love.

Hey, Mom.

How about I take you for a ride in my new Porsche, huh? I don't want to go for

ride in your Porsche. Oh, come on.

On second thought, maybe you'd rather see the bedroom.

Oh, Johnny.

Johnny. Yeah.

Johnny, I feel so bad. All those horrible things I said about your

yeah. You must have been depressed all week.

I didn't mean to turn you against him. Your father was a wonderful man. I know.

It happened a long time ago. It's time to let bygones be bygones. Rhymer.

After all, it wasn't his fault.

It was that bitch.

You've got to find a way of putting this behind you. I know, but it's so hard.

John, this place is a mess.

Did you get married again?

No, no, no. It's a long story. I'll tell you about it later. Listen, Ma. Well,

anyway, I brought you a little peace offering.

Yeah, thanks, Ma, but maybe a little later. Hey.

Wow.

I haven't seen this picture in years.

You were nine.

You looked so cute in your little league uniform standing next to your dad.

No, Mom, I was eight.

You were nine.

Oh, I was eight. I remember it distinctly.

Because, well, to tell you the truth,

it wasn't a very happy day for me. I, uh...

I hit a home run and I looked up in the stands and everybody was standing up and

cheering except my dad.

I was really hurt that day. Wait, you're right.

You were eight.

But you mustn't mind your dad not standing up. That was the day he had his

vasectomy.

Oh.

So that was the reason he sat through the whole game with a snow cone in his

lap.

My father had a vasectomy when I was eight?

Yes.

My father had a vasectomy when I was eight?

My father had a vasectomy when I was eight?

My father had a vasectomy when I was eight? He had a vasectomy when I was

Well,

why shouldn't I be? My brother just died.

I'll explain it later. Over lunch. Come on. No, John. No, no. I'm meeting

Nettie.

Saturday we get together and have a couple of margaritas. Don't you hate it,

Nettie? I do, until I've had a couple of margaritas.

Okay, Kirk, you can come out now.

You and Mom V.

Is the course clear?

Oh, everything is very clear.

Okay. I was just going to take Mom out for a little ride in my car.

Oh, yeah? Oh, go ahead.

Meanwhile, I'll stay here and help you unpack your things.

Okay?

Aces are what, Mom?

Hey, where should I be? I just found out my father had had a vasectomy.

Yeah, when I was eight.

Really? Yeah, when I was eight.

I told you it wouldn't work.

Yeah, just a minute. You know, I can understand him.

But why would you lie to me about a thing like this?

Use your head.

If he didn't move in with you, he would have moved in with me.

Well, you know, I never actually said you were my brother, John. I said you

my bro. And in Swahili, bro means man with dark hair.

You're not mad at me, are you? I was.

Yeah, I didn't know.

Hey, I'm just going to put your clothes where you're going to be sleeping.

Okay?

This is Dear John's Isabella Hoffman. The one -to -one club is moving to a new

night in time. So don't miss the season premiere of Dear John, Friday, September

20th at 9, 8 Central, only on NBC.

Then, from the creators of Cheers, it's the hilarious season premiere of the new

NBC comedy, Flesh and Blood, Friday.

So, Kate, meet any good -looking men in the denny section.

Oh, Louise, you know, I'm beginning to think that this field trip wasn't such a

great idea.

Now, why don't we go get Mary, Beth, and the guys and head on back to the

community center?

Oh, poppycock.

According to this article in Cosmo, a supermarket is one of the top ten places

in the city to meet decent single people.

Well, not this supermarket.

I've covered every inch of this place, from the frozen peas to the liquid

detergent, and I am telling you, there are no available men here. Trust me.