Original subtitles

Yeah, just a minute.

Hey, John.

You better call the Humane Society.

Sounds like somebody in this building is killing a cat.

Hey, ladies, come on up.

Don't forget the baby oil.

What are you doing? John, you mean, what are we doing?

John, you and I are about to entertain two of the hottest,

Dental hygienists in the tri -state area.

No. Come on, John.

John, you have not lived until you have been tied up with dental floss.

Thank you very much for thinking of me, but I have a clarinet lesson in a very

short while.

You're taking clarinet lessons?

Yes.

Why?

All right, if you must know, I've been taking clarinet lessons for the last six

weeks.

Why?

Because I was really into it when I was a kid and I always regretted giving it

up.

Why?

All right, Mr. Smart Guy, listen to this.

There. Now, what do you think?

I think you're the cat killer.

You don't know anything about music.

Now that is music.

Bimbo.

Hi. Ladies, say hello to John.

Hi, John. I'm Lorraine.

And I'm Heidi.

Hi. Hi, lady. Listen, it's nice meeting you, but I'm afraid I have a clarinet

lesson tonight.

Why?

That one's mine.

is filmed before a studio audience.

Well, sounding good, John. Your embouchure's improving. You've been

Three hours straight, every night this week. I got an eviction notice to prove

it.

Yeah. Sorry, that's me.

Can I use your phone to call my wife? Yeah, sure.

I'm waiting for some news about a rehearsal hall.

Oh, what are you rehearsing for? My advanced class is giving a recital next

at Carnegie Hall.

Carnegie Hall?

Wow. No, we're not on the main stage. We'll be next door at the Bile Recital

Hall. Well, that's still Carnegie Hall. Hi, honey.

Any word?

Oh, no.

And Jerry can't make it, but the recital's a week away. Where am I

find another clarinet player?

No Pittsburgh, no Paranet player. I might have to cancel the... Hold on a

second. John.

I'm on the phone. Try to hold the noise down.

Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you in a little while. Bye.

Oh, uh...

thinking, but I don't think you'd fit in. Oh, come on, Charlie. I mean, I know

I'm not as good as your advanced students, but hey, I mean, you just said

that I'm really coming along.

Well, you are. Oh, come on, Charlie. Give me a chance.

I would really, I'd give anything to tell my grandchildren that I played at

Carnegie Hall and not be lying.

I guess the part really isn't that difficult.

I'll practice. I swear I won't let you down. Maybe you could learn it.

What do you think?

Are you kidding? I could play this with one lip tied behind my back. No problem

at all. But what do these black squiggly things mean?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Hey, listen.

Hey, listen, you need a place to rehearse? You can do it right here. How

that? Well, but there's 12 of us. No problem.

All right.

Friday, 5 o 'clock. You got it. Fine. Thank you. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks a

I won't let you down. Bye.

Carnegie Hall.

Oh, wow.

Carnegie Hall.

After a 35 -year absence from the music scene, let's give a warm Carnegie Hall

welcome to that very talented Hot Lips Lacey.

Can I play this thing?

Well, her name is Molly.

And she...

She just started down at the tunnel, and I've been picked to train her.

They got us working together in the same cramped toll booth.

It's so exciting.

Today, Molly and I almost bumped change makers.

All right, Ralphie, you keep up the good work, and before long, she's going to

have you screaming, good golly, Miss Molly.

Why must you turn a sweet infatuation like this into some sleazy sexual

conquest?

Somebody's got to.

Whoa!

Look who's here, the Pied Piper of Rego Park.

Old Robo Chops.

I guess Kirk has told you all that I'm taking clarinet lessons.

I suppose he's also told you that I have no talent for the clarinet at all.

Think you're very funny, don't you, Kirk?

Want to hear something really funny?

Yeah.

One week from this Saturday, I, John Lacey, will be performing at Carnegie

I'm not joking.

Make up your mind.

Yeah, that's right. And, um, Roseanne Barr has been invited to sing at the

House.

I'll have you know that my teacher's advanced class is going to be performing

the recital hall there, and I'm going to be one of the soloists.

Well,

this is very exciting, and I think we should go. I suggest that no matter what

any of us are doing that night, we cancel our plan.

That's going to be hard for me, Louise.

have any plans.

Well, I wouldn't miss this for the world. Me neither. Oh, you mean to say

you guys would really make a trip all the way into Manhattan to see an amateur

musician play at Carnegie Hall?

Of course we would, John. Good. Curtain's at 8 sharp. Don't be late.

Louise, I called you a babysitter. She'll be at your place at 7.

Kate, you have a hair appointment at 4? No, it's at 5. Trust me, it's at 4.

Uh, John, can I get one of those?

You, Kirk?

You really want one? You bet I do.

Say please.

Please.

Thanks. Because I got a caraway seat stuck between my teeth.

Yes, hello?

No, no. No, Kirk, you cannot bring anyone over here right now. No, no, no,

busy. I'm busy.

I'm not interested in meeting a gymnast.

I don't care what she can do on a balance beam.

Really?

No, Kirk, no, Kirk, I'm sorry. No, no, listen, I'll see you later on at the one

-to -one.

Kirk, my fellow musicians are coming over here for our first rehearsal. I'm

putting the beer on the ice.

Oh, there are the guys right now. Yeah, well, you can laugh all you like, but

the first time in my life I'm going to be playing with musicians I can really

look up to. Easy, John. Come on in, guys.

Hi. Oh, look at this.

And then

when they show up, I find out I'm

the only one in the orchestra that doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

What can I do? I mean, I can't let those little kids down.

No matter how embarrassing it's going to be for me.

So now I only have five minutes to think up some excuse so my friends won't show

up at Carnegie Hall.

Carnegie Hall?

I don't drive my taxi to Manhattan.

No, no, no. There's concerts tomorrow night.

Maybe I can tell them Carnegie Hall burned down.

No, it was flooded.

No, no, no. They'll never believe that.

So let's see. What else is there?

Drought, famine, pestilence. Thank you. That's enough.

Good, I was making myself homesick.

Hey, um, if I offered you 20 bucks for your turban, would you be insulted?

Of course I'd be insulted.

This turban belonged to my grandfather.

How about 25?

Deal.

It's getting bad, Kirk.

Last night I even had a dream about Molly.

We were running through the Lincoln Tunnel, hand in hand.

buck naked.

Suddenly, suddenly she threw me down and started to make wild, passionate love

to me.

It was great.

At least it was until a Volkswagen ran over us.

Then a station wagon.

Then a stretch limo.

A Winnebago even crossed the solid yellow line to get a shot.

Oh, Kurt, I like sex as much as the next guy, but I'll be damned if I'll die for

it.

I got... Ladies.

Ruff, go ahead. Tell these guys your dream about Molly.

Oh, really?

Was it romantic?

Yeah, if you don't mind getting wasted by a Winnebago.

It's got the cutest little sequined top and this darling little patent leather

belt and the skirt just kind of flares out and... Oh, no.

What's the matter?

I just decided I don't like it.

Just as well, Mary Beth, because I'm afraid I can't perform tomorrow night.

See, Tom, it happens to everyone.

What are you talking about, John?

Well, you see, uh... I have clarinet elbow.

Clarinet elbow?

Yes. I can't move my arm at all.

John, how could you hurt your elbow playing the clarinet?

Well, did I say playing? No, actually, I was carrying it.

Down 73rd Street.

At midnight.

John, what were you doing on 73rd Street at midnight?

What was I doing?

I was walking.

And I heard footsteps behind me, and then I started walking faster, and the

footsteps got faster, and finally this guy, might have been two guys, caught up

to me and grabbed my clarinet case and dragged me halfway down the block on my

elbow.

That's why I called it clarinet elbow.

So what's new in your life, Louise?

Wait a minute, John.

You mean you didn't even put up a fight? A fight? I mean, how can I fight?

The guys were this tall and this what?

What do you know? The doctor was right.

Clarinet elbow just seems to come and go.

It's crazy.

Okay, okay.

There's nothing wrong with my elbow at all. I made up the whole story.

Because I... I don't want any of you to come to Carnegie Hall tomorrow night.

Oh, no.

It's my dress, isn't it?

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you to come because I just found out that all the musicians I'll be

playing with are nine years old.

Now, you see, that's the reason. You see, I knew it. It's because you guys

going to laugh. That's why I don't want you to come.

No, no, no, I know it. I know you're going to laugh. Now, you've got to

me, all right? Just promise me. You're not coming.

All right,

John, it's a big disappointment, but I suppose we do understand your position.

Good.

What about you, Kurt?

What?

Me? Well?

John, do you think I would laugh knowing how much all this means to you?

Damn right.

That really hurts, John.

Sure, all the others would laugh.

No, we wouldn't. Oh, come on, Louise.

Don't pretend.

I know what's going through all your minds.

Oh, yeah.

Let's go see a performance of Mozart featuring John Lacey and the Seven

Come on!

We'll bring a video camera. We'll make a movie.

Honey, I shrunk the orchestra.

be here tonight.

So did you. You said you were going to spend the evening cuddled up in front of

the telly with Pete.

I was.

But he's been mad at me ever since I had him neutered.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What is the problem?

The lady asked me to hold her seat.

Good evening, Kirk.

Apparently the same thing as you.

Well, I wish I'd known y 'all were as nosy as I am.

We wouldn't have had to take separate limos.

Fine support group we are.

Maybe it's good we all showed up.

This will give us a chance to make up for our childish behavior last night.

Oh,

look, they're about to start.

Listen, let's go inside.

We'll sit quietly, and at the end of the concert, we'll give John a standing

ovation. Hold it.

I think I smell a route.

Relax, Mr.

Lacey. You'll do fine.

Your phrasing, your intonation, your tone.

Impeccable. Ah, thanks, Billy.

Got you last.

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads. We are now pleased to present An Evening of

Mozart.

He's only nine.

I'll sit the one in the middle. He's only 45.

real good laugh John we didn't laugh at you what you heard were all

the other people in the audience yeah and some of the people who work here

yeah well even though I did fall on my face tonight I gotta tell you there were

a few fleeting moments there when I actually felt like a real musician who

maybe someday I'll be good enough to play with people my own age

So, John, because those kids don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.

Here are the lights, Joe.

I'll get them.

Listen, guys, this is probably the closest I'll ever get to Carnegie Hall

without buying a ticket, so if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a few

minutes. Oh, yeah.

We'll see you next time. Good night, John.

It blows up here. Hey, just keep your shirt on. This is important to me.