Original subtitles

I really appreciate this.

Hey, my pleasure. I just couldn't trust it to the movers.

It's an antique.

Uh -huh.

So, what apartment will you be moving into?

4G. Fourth floor. No kidding. That's my floor.

Howdy, neighbor.

Howdy. You're going to like living here.

Watch out for Mr. Sweeney in apartment 2D. If he asks you to come in and feed

his dog, just say no.

How come? He doesn't have a dog.

So, tell me, what time are you and your husband expecting the movers?

Oh, I'm not married.

Really?

No, and I don't expect the movers until tomorrow. They were supposed to come

today, but I had to cancel at the last minute, so I'm stuck with no dishes.

Hey, I can lend you dishes.

I don't have a chair to sit on. I've got an extra chair.

I don't even have a bed to sleep in tonight.

Dear John and filmed before a studio audience.

Yo, John.

What, are you upset about something?

Yes, you're damn right. You're damn right, I am upset. You should be

John. I do not forward my phone calls to just anyone.

You know, it took me 45 minutes to get those messages off my machine. John,

John, just out of curiosity.

Were any of those calls for you, what difference does that make?

Well, you may be suffering from message envy.

Yes. Here.

Hmm.

All right.

Mona.

Ooh.

Tina.

Hurt me.

Bambi.

Bob Morris?

My brother called?

Yeah. I talked to him.

Said he's going to be in town for a couple of days. I told him he can find

here tonight.

John, I have been fucking my brother for years. I hate his guts.

He's an obnoxious, conniving, self -centered braggart.

Are you by any chance twins?

I've got to get out of here.

Kirk, don't you think you might want to deal with this? I am dealing with this.

He's coming down the hall.

I've got to hide in the storeroom.

Come on, Red, this could take a while. It was worth a shot.

John, just tell him I'm not here.

Oh, you're not actually going to lie for him, are you? It's Kirk's brother.

What's the big deal?

Excuse me, I'm looking for Kirk Morris.

I'm his brother.

You're Bob Morris?

I'll be Dan.

Darn.

Damn darn, that's what I'll be.

Well, how do you do, Father?

I'm John Lacey. I talked to you on the phone.

Oh, yes, Kirk's secretary.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Father Bob. I'm Louise, and this is Ralph, Kate, Mrs.

Tom, and Mary Beth.

Everybody, you're Kirk's brother.

Hey, we all have our cross to bear.

So, uh, where is he?

Oh, he's around.

Hey, aren't we lucky, huh?

Finally, someone who knows him, actually knows him, can tell us all about our

dear friend, Kirk.

Now, just you sit down and make yourself nice and comfy.

You know, I think we may have found our theme for the evening.

Maybe the year.

So, tell us, Father Bob, what was Kirk like as a child?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

One question at a time.

I'll be glad to tell you anything you want to know.

Father Bob, why did God let a cute little bird like the dodo become

Later. Right now, Father Bob's going to tell us all about Kirk.

Now, don't hold back. We're all grown -ups here.

What's that? Oh, they're just remodeling the storeroom.

Yeah, now about Kirk.

Tell us... Solomon's deep, dark secrets.

Deep, dark secrets.

Where do I begin?

Okay.

I was right.

Thermites.

Well, if it isn't my brother, the father.

It's been too long, Kirk.

How you been doing?

I've been doing great.

How you been doing? Me?

Terrific. Actually, I've been doing fantastic.

Really? Yeah.

Well, I've been doing tremendous.

Come to think of it, I've been doing sensational.

Really? Yeah. Well, I've been doing phenomenal.

Oh, my God, there's two of them.

Listen, Kirk, the reason I stopped by is...

Listen, maybe we ought to talk about this outside.

No, no, no. You can stay here.

We've got nothing to talk about.

Listen, Kirk, I'm going to be helping out at St. Eugenius for a couple of

and then I'm winging off to a new assignment. So I thought maybe we could

little. Why?

Hey, we're family.

I mean, how am I going to tell the Pope I don't speak to my own brother?

You going to work for the Pope?

No, he's going to hire a stranger.

What a coincidence.

Kurt knows the Pope, too.

Ralph? You told me he performed your wedding ceremony.

I didn't say that.

I said he sent us a waffle iron.

Working for the Pope.

You must be very proud.

Proud? Hey, pride is something this guy gave up when he entered the priesthood.

I mean, my reward is the satisfaction that comes from dedicating my life to

helping others. Oh, that's great. What a wonderful brother you have, Kirk. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not start kissing feet here, all right?

Hey, Bob, it was great to see you. Be sure to stop by in another ten years,

okay? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kirk, you want to hear what your brother

to say? Yeah, well, I'm not interested in what he has to say.

Kirk, you're acting like a child.

Yes, your brother was expressing some very noble feelings. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's an expert on feelings.

Ask him how he felt when he slept with my fiancée. Oh, wow.

Father Bob, how did you feel on your sleep?

Unfortunately, what Kirk says is true.

I did sleep with his fiancée.

Is there a celibacy problem?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You thought that I...

No, no. That was years before I became a priest. Listen, Kirk, maybe it's better

if we talk about this outside.

Don't be shy. It's all right. I got nothing to hide.

Say it.

Look, Kirk, I'm sorry.

I hated myself when Barbara called off your wedding, but it was a long time

Don't you think it's about time you forgave me?

You want forgiveness?

Go ask your pal the Pope.

I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I don't know why I'm talking to you

either. You know, you're the same pain you were when we were kids.

You know what would make me happy?

If I never saw your ugly face again.

Yeah? It'd make me happy, too. Yeah, it'd make me happier.

Yeah, it would make me jubilant. Yeah, it would make me ecstatic. It would make

me... Boy, you are lucky I can't think of another word for happy.

Way to go, Kirk.

Shame on you, Kirk. Your brother came here to make up.

Oh, boy.

He didn't come here to make up.

He came here to gloat.

To show me how successful he is.

Let me know he'll be fooling around wrong in the folk mobile.

Oh, come on, Kirk.

You heard your brother. You heard what he said. That's not why he came.

Oh, sure.

Believe a priest and not me.

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.

Why did my brother have to come back here and remind me of her again?

She must have meant an awful lot to you.

A what?

She was the perfect woman.

I was planning on spending the rest of my life with her.

Kirk, I've never seen you this hurt before.

Neither have I.

Boy, you really must have loved that girl.

Loved?

What?

Loved.

The broad was loaded!

Are you trying to tell me that you

would have married her only for her money?

Yeah, so?

Those are my values.

Unbelievable.

Kirk, I've thrown away cheese that was less offensive than you.

Oh, come on. What are you all yelling at me for?

Bob's the one that slept with my fiancée, and he did it just to spite me.

his guts.

Now, listen. I hate him. Listen to yourself. Listen to that anger.

Your brother's going to fly off to Rome in a couple of days. You may never see

him again.

You're going to carry all this anger around you for the rest of your life.

You know that?

So why don't you just talk to him?

Just talk to him.

Forgive him.

And then you're rid of it.

No, I can never forgive him.

Why did he have to come here tonight?

I don't want to have to throw my weight around.

But I say, from now on, we don't let any more priests in here.

Who said New Yorkers don't make good neighbors?

Oh, whoever they are, they're wrong.

Let's prove them wrong again.

You know what?

What? We could prove them even wronger.

It would serve them right.

You've got the prettiest neck in the universe.

Oh, pretty ears, too.

Pretty shoulders.

You've got such pretty parts.

Thank you.

Let's say we browse around the parts department.

Unless you're going to move like that.

Yes,

yes, yes.

No.

We have to talk. Kirk, what the hell are you doing here? Don't take that off.

John, you were right.

I thought I could forget this whole thing with my brother. All right. But I

can't. I've got to get rid of this anger, John.

Yes, yes, yes, you sure do. Yes, you sure do. I've got to go down to St.

Eugenia's right now, and I've got to forgive the bum. Right. Now you're

Go fly.

Wings on your heels.

John. Time's wasting.

Godspeed. Don't spare the horses.

The early bird catches the worm. John.

What I am trying to say is I need you to go down there and tell him I forgive

him. Me? No, no, no. No way. Forget it. John, John.

You were so eloquent tonight when you told me about, you know, getting rid of

anger and all that.

You moved me. Yeah. I'll move you again. Good night. No, John. At least, at

least promise.

That you'll go down there with me tomorrow.

Yes, I will. I promise. Right, tomorrow. I'll meet you there. Yes, I promise.

Ten o 'clock tomorrow morning. Oh, John.

I owe you, buddy. I owe you. But

what'll I say?

We better go over it. No, no, no. No, no, that'll spoil everything.

Spontaneity, that's the key. You see, priests love that.

You're tired, aren't you? Oh, am I? Ah, poot.

Say no more, John.

I'll make the coffee.

What?

Go now before I harm you.

What's the rush?

All right, all right, all right, all right. You must know.

I have a, uh... Young lady in bed.

Yes.

John, John, John.

You pistol arrow.

Why didn't you say something?

Where have you been? Oh, my luck.

Some clown threw himself in front of the subway train. I had to get off and take

a local.

Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

What happened to him?

John, this is New York.

If you stick around to find out what happens to every guy who jumps in front

a train, you will never get anywhere.

I'll try to remember that.

Listen, your brother is here in confession. When he's finished, you'll

Okay, okay.

Boy, oh, boy. He acts like nobody ever stole a Nintendo game before.

John, come on. You're better at this than I am. Mark, just go in. Just talk

him first. You're putting it off. You're putting it off. You know that. You're

putting this off. You should really go in there yourself, please.

Please, come on. All right.

Father Bob, it's John Lacey.

How long has it been since your last confession?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm Kirk's friend.

In that case, say ten Hail Marys. No, no.

I didn't come here to confess.

What, did you think this was a phone booth?

No, look, Kirk's outside. He wants to talk to you.

Hey, I'm working here.

Father, I know he's been holding this barber thing against you all these

and...

He doesn't want to live with his anger anymore, so he wants to patch things up

between the two of you.

Trust me, he'll never do it. Why not? I know my brother.

He's a yutz.

Spider! Spider!

Spider!

Wait, wait!

One of you will have to leave.

He called me a yutz.

Why didn't you deny it?

I couldn't lie. I'm in a confessional.

Hey, real nice.

Look, your brother and I were talking about, uh, you know, you know.

What? What?

About Father Bob having sex with your fiancée.

A little louder. I don't think they heard you in the rectory.

I was telling you, you came here to forgive him. All right?

All right.

Leave us alone.

Well, I don't think I should leave until both of you are speaking in a civil

manner. I should have left you in bed with that bimbo.

You were in bed with a bimbo? I'll wait outside.

I see.

Oh, okay.

Just... John.

Hey, watch your hands. We're in a church here.

All right, Kirk. Let's get it over with.

I'll let you forgive me so you can get out of here.

You'll never change, will you?

Ever since we were kids, you always had to tell me what to do. Always had to...

Not me. Everything.

Especially in front of Dad.

What's Dad got to do with this? Everything.

All he ever heard out of his mouth was, Bob this, Bob that.

He introduced you to everybody as the apple of his eye.

Me introduced as the other one.

So that's what you're mad about.

This is really not about Barbara.

I don't know, maybe not.

Kirk, as long as you're here, I... I have a confession to make.

I'm not going to Rome.

I made up that story about working for the Pope.

I don't want you to know that I was a failure.

What do you mean, a failure?

Well, who cares? I can't do anything right.

I've been booted out of 17 churches in the last 10 years.

You know where I'm going tomorrow?

I'm going to be a chaplain at the weather station in Antarctica.

Bob,

I'm sorry.

Boy, things really have changed, huh? Yeah.

Here I am going off to the middle of nowhere and you're this important guy in

Washington.

I mean, Dad told me all about it.

About all that top -secret work you're doing for the government.

How nobody at the Pentagon makes a move without you.

So Dad got my postcards, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad that we're finally being honest with each other.

I'm sure it's what God wants.

Well...

As long as we're coming clean, it's something I've got to confess to.

And I guess this is as good a place as any.

Yeah?

Well, this is really hard for me to say, but...

You know all that stuff about me working at the Pentagon?

It's a good thing you remind me, because I got a meeting there in an hour.

And those Joint Chiefs can be real grumps if you're late. See you later,

So long, Kirk.

Hey, you take care of yourself in Antarctica.

You hear?

Try not to freeze your beads off.

Antarctica.

Oh, this is the relative of us.

So, how did it go?

Oh, great, great, great, great.

Yeah, I'm really going to miss that guy. I'm proud of him. I'm going to miss him

when he goes to Rome.

Hey, good for you, Kirk. Yeah, I gave him some merchandising ideas to kind of

bounce off the Pope, you know.

Merchandising ideas?

Yeah, you know, fast foods with the Pope's picture right on it.

Stuff like, I don't know, microwave popcorn.

Diet Popsicola.

Come on, Kurt. Where are we going? I'm going to throw you in front of a train.

Come on.

It's really very easy. Look.

Thursday at the rainbow room with William.

Friday at the night with Jonathan.

Sunday in the park with George.

What are you doing?

Mary Beth just brought an electronic organizer so she can keep track of all

gentlemen she's dating.

Oh, funny. I just write mine down in my appointment book.

Anybody want to buy an appointment book? Never been used.

Mary Beth, how in the world do you meet all of these men?

Secret? You see a guy you like at a party or a restaurant and you just let

know that you're available and interested.

And horny.

Thank you for that profound observation, Mrs. Hilbert.

Anytime, kid.

Mary Beth, you can call me old -fashioned, but I have an unwritten

insist that the man make the first move.

That's the same rule I have.

Hi, is this the 121 Club?

Yes.

I came to talk to you about joining your group. I hope I'm not interrupting

anything. No.

We were just discussing rules.

And how they're made to be broken.

Well, how should we get started? Should I tell you about my divorce?

Oh, right, your divorce.

Is it final?

Yes. Good.

I think that pretty much covers it.