Original subtitles

By the time...

I'd like to watch the basketball game on Sunday with yours truly, huh?

We can raid the old fridge, lean back, and watch the Knicks get some Boston

butt.

Sounds like a good idea. Yeah? Great! I'll be over at noon.

My place?

If you insist.

And John, to show you what a sport I am, I'm going to take care of the beer.

How would you like to watch the ball game with us over John's on Sunday?

Yeah? All right. You bring the beer.

Hello,

everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Louise, here's your ticket for the luncheon on Sunday.

Oh, I am so excited that I'm actually going to meet Laurie Burmeister in

Her book, The Mother Single, was a good send to me when little Nigel was born.

Oh, yeah. Laurie Burmeister. Laurie Burmeister, yeah.

ex -wife is the love of her books.

In fact, she was reading the one called Freeing Yourself just before she... I

don't really care for Laurie Burmeister.

Miss Mercer, you get call on the telephone.

Phone call? Thank you, Charlie. Excuse me. Oh, hey, hey, Charlie.

Charlie. How's the smoke enders going?

Goodbye, sir.

I keep the habit. No more addiction.

Hey, that's wonderful. Wonderful.

You get chewing gum? Yeah, chewing gum, yes.

Yeah, yes, I am chewing gum. Yes, yeah, here. Here, here, some chewing gum.

Yeah. Here, listen, Charlene, keep the whole pack. I'm trying to quit anyway.

ahead. Yeah.

Go ahead.

Louise,

everything okay?

No, it's not.

Nigel's babysitter's come down with...

one I can trust on such short notice.

Well, fortunately for you, Louise, the best babysitter in town happens to be

available. Really?

Who? You're looking at him. Wait a minute, John. I thought that we were all

going to watch a basketball game together. You know, just us guys.

Well, Nigel's a guy. Just a guy who needs to be burped.

Sure. John, it's really very, very sweet of you, but I feel Nigel feels more

comfortable with a woman.

Louise. Louise, I think John would make an excellent babysitter. I agree.

Come on, Louise. You don't want to spoil your birthday.

I mean, it's depressing enough you're going to spend it with a bunch of women.

Excuse me, Mary Beth, but Louise is a very secure woman. A secure woman

need to spice up her birthday by going out with a man.

Why not?

How would I know? Ask Louise.

Louise? Perhaps we'll find out at the lunch.

John, I'd like to accept your very gracious offer if it still stands.

Yes, it sure does.

Hey, guys, we'd love to take care of little Nigel. Yeah, sure.

John, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll just stay home.

Why, Ralph?

I'll tell you the truth. I can't be trusted with that kind of

Don't worry about it, Ralphie. I'll be there.

Oh, Kirk, what could you possibly know about babies?

What do I know about babies?

Do I know about babies?

It was a hot summer day.

I'm cruising through Utah in my new Maserati.

Now, I'm in kind of a bad mood because this sandstorm's chipping away at my new

paint job. But suddenly, I spot this lime green Vista Cruiser parked over on

side of the road, right? With this woman.

waving her foot out of the back window signaling distress.

Now, I know that there's a problem. I pull over, I look, and there she is,

alone, in the final throes of labor, with the nearest hospital over three

away.

So, you know, to make a long story short, suffice it to say, on that day,

those hot desert flats, with only my driving gloves,

I delivered not one baby, but two.

Twins.

And do you know who those twins were?

Donnie and Marie.

Donnie and Marie Osmond aren't even twins.

Did I say Osmond?

They gave it to us at the Lincoln Tunnel. Our bowling team beat the guys

the George Washington Bridge. The Lincolns number one! The Lincolns number

The Lincolns number one! Hey, shut up down there!

Hey, you!

Do it, Ralph!

Hang yourself, Ralph. Hang yourself.

Sit down, please, baby. How does the game start, John? Just a few minutes.

John, I don't think it's such a good idea for us to take care of Louise's...

baby. Oh, come on, Ralph. You still worried about that? Ralph. Oh, don't

Ralph. All a baby needs is a little attention and a little love. It's no big

deal. Hello, Joe.

Louise, what's all this stuff?

Nigel's necessaries.

Oh, he's only going to be here for a few hours.

I didn't take this much stuff to college.

Thank you very much. Keep the meter running. I'll be down in a jiffy. Sure,

lady.

I see. But he may be too nervous to sleep here. In which case, try giving

Barney the Bear and a bottle of warm milk. Right. If he pushes Barney away,

Yosemite Sam.

Uh -huh. And if not Yosemite Sam, try Harvey the Hippo. The Hippo. And as the

very last resort, Paco Panda. Paco Panda. But be careful.

Last time he spit up on Paco's hat. Just, just, just, sweetheart. Okay,

Let's go and see Uncle Ralph.

Or if not, there's pear juice. Or if not, there's apple pear juice.

And if he's not thirsty, he may be hungry.

So I've got some strained apples, strained pear, strained apple pear.

Louise, Louise, will you stop worrying? This is not three men and a baby. I

mean, you're not leaving Nigel with three inept men who don't know how to

care of an infant.

Louise, please, Louise, will you just go and have a wonderful birthday, please?

You're quite right, John. I don't know what I was... thinking. Thank you very

much. Bye -bye.

Oh, okay, Louise, you can relax. Nigel, he's in great hands. Kirk is here.

That reminds me of the emergency numbers.

The first one is Nigel's pediatrician. The second one's the poison control

system. Right, yes, yes.

under control, Uncle Kirk is here.

Hey, what?

Nigel, hey, come on, don't cry. Look, it's your old friend Paco Panda.

Yeah.

Come on, Nigel, how would you like if somebody did that to your head?

Here you go.

Nigel, let me clean you up here.

Uncle Kirk doesn't know what you need because he's not a daddy. No, I'm a

Hi. God, you know, it reminds me of Matthew when Matthew was his age.

Here, take a look at this. Doesn't he look like Matthew?

Don't ask me. To me, all babies look like Sam Kinison.

Hey, can I get a knife? You know, what would... You know what would be a great

thing to give Louise for her birthday?

A new Paco Panda?

There's a photography studio down in the mall.

Mr. Babyface.

Answer the game. Why don't we take Nigel down there, get a picture of him, and

give it to Louise for her birthday? John, it is a great idea. Right after

game. I wish my mother had a picture like that of me.

Wow. You're telling me your mother never took baby pictures of you? No, she

didn't have to. My older brother looked just like me.

and understand, you advertised a Mr. Babyface introductory offer for $29. Now

you want to sell me a deluxe package for $185?

Mrs. Williams, what could be more valuable than a memory of your child?

The memory of that $185.

All right. One introductory offer.

Thank you so much for looking after little Jennifer.

Excuse me, Mr. Babyface?

Uh, I've been waiting a half an hour. Are my pictures almost ready? It'll just

be a few more minutes. Okay, thank you, Mr.

Babyface. Mr. Babyface.

This feels kind of funny, calling a grown man a babyface.

What is your real name?

That is my real name, George M.

Babyface.

No, Jason, shh, don't wake your sister.

Jason, where are you going?

Enjoy a little walk with Nigel? John, I can't believe what I've been missing out

on all these years not having a kid.

Kirk, I didn't know you had such fatherly instincts.

What fatherly instincts? I just found out chicks can't resist a man with a

This kid works better than Musk.

No wonder you got a bargain. That hat says Fred. Your name is Ralph.

I know that.

And you know that.

But how many other people know that?

Gentlemen, your picture's ready. Oh, okay.

Oh, look at that guy.

Came out great. Oh, that picture is priceless. That'll be $29. And worth

penny.

Settle up, John.

Come on, Nigel. Let's go see what's going on.

Wait a minute. It's my turn to push him. What do you mean? I thought you said

you didn't want to have anything to do with this kid.

Well, I changed my mind. Well, change it again.

But, you know, this argument about who's going to push the baby is really silly

and very immature.

Besides, it's my turn.

Jason, I'm telling you, do that one more time, you're in trouble.

Now, you sit right here, right next to your sister.

That's not your sister.

Jennifer. Oh, my God, Jennifer.

Jennifer. Oh, hi.

Jennifer. Jennifer.

Wake him up. Very good, Ralph. You were the one that was so nervous about

watching a kid.

You're doing terrific.

I don't know how I could have doubted myself.

I'm great at this.

Oh, Johnny's crying. What do we do?

Listen, when babies cry, it's because they're either thirsty or they need

diaper changed.

It's either one end or the other.

It's the other.

Oh, you're uncomfortable.

aren't you, little fella?

Don't you worry about a thing. Uncle John is here and he's going to change

Ralph, would you get me a diaper? Kirk, the powder, please. Powder.

You're going to be dry in just one minute.

Let me take that wet diaper off, little fella. This guy.

He is English.

Maybe he's got an innie.

God. Do you know what this means?

Yeah, it means that we're going to have to break it to Louise that Nigel's a

girl.

No, it means we took the wrong baby home.

Done, Mr. Thorpe. How could you have done such a thing?

You're actually blaming me for this? No, I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming

myself. I'm blaming myself.

for allowing Ralph to come along and make this stupid mistake.

Will you please stop blaming each other and think about what's important?

Nigel is lost, and it's your fault.

Kill us.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Yes,

everything is fine, Louise.

Yeah, the baby's smiling, uh -huh.

Did we change him?

Oh, yeah, we changed him.

Now?

Louise, uh... Yeah, all right, we'll... We'll see you soon.

She's coming over right now.

God, where's that car from at the baby's pace?

Oh, here it is. I knew this was going to happen. Oh, come on, Ralph.

Nobody knew this was going to happen.

Oh, damn, it's busy.

Same thing happened to me the last time someone asked me to look after a loved

one. What do you mean? You lost a baby before?

No, I lost a duck.

When I was seven years old, my best friend Willie went away on vacation and

me in charge of his pet duck.

I watched that duck like a hawk.

And the day before Thanksgiving, he disappeared.

I looked everywhere.

I was so depressed, my next -door neighbor tried to cheer me up by

in for Thanksgiving dinner.

And it worked.

I usually hate turkey, but this was so tasty, I ate everything except this

little webbed feet.

I just went down there and had some pictures taken. I made a terrible

No, I don't want the deluxe package.

I got the wrong baby. I took the wrong... Hello?

Oh, hi, officer.

No, I don't have any demands.

Look, it was an honest mistake, officer.

Look, just tell the mother that we've got the baby, she's fine, and we're

to bring her back and exchange her, okay?

Thank you.

Get me a diaper, Ralph. Diaper, please.

Oh, and Ralph...

Kirk and I are going to take the baby back and get Nigel.

Now, look, if Louise comes, just tell her that we went for a walk, okay?

Well, why do I have to stay here and face Louise?

Why don't one of you guys stay?

Please, Ralph, this is an emergency. Now, Johnny's right. We'll settle this

fair and democratic way. All right.

Anybody who's never murdered a doc, take one step forward.

Sweet of John to look after little Nigel so I could spend my birthday with you

ladies. Yeah, it was a great day.

It's just too bad Mrs. Filbert had to miss the luncheon. Who'd have guessed

she'd been banned from that hotel?

Oh, Willie?

This is Ralph.

Your best boyhood buddy.

just let me say one thing.

I know what happened to your duck.

I can't talk now. I'll call you back.

No, I can't. I can't talk.

I've got to go home now. What's the matter, Ralphie?

I've got a sore throat.

Louise, it was a snap.

Nigel is so easy to take care of. He's no trouble at all. You wouldn't even

he was here.

I know what you're feeling, Louise.

You're feeling pretty silly for doubting us, aren't you?

Just us guys taking care of a little baby.

Yeah, just us capable guys.

Capable. Yeah.

me for a behind -the -scenes rare and intimate portrait of the president on

job, a day in the life of the White House, an NBC News special. Next. And

Thursday night, the letter C stands for comedy, and it all begins with the Cosby

Show, followed by A Different World, Cheers, and Grand Thursday.

Sounds like you're both going to be in the hole this week.

Oh, thanks, Brad, but not tonight. I got the one -to -one club meeting.

What, that support group?

Well, just don't go.

Make up an excuse. Tell them you're happy or something.

Oh, come on, Brad. I don't want to lie to them.

No, no, I mean, I can't miss the meeting because, well, I just can't.

Whoa, John.

Sounds like you're really addicted to that group.

Addict?

That's ridiculous.

Aha, denial.

The first sign. Oh, come on, Brad. It's not denial.

Ooh, anger.

That's the second sign.

Look, Brad, I don't have to go if I don't want to.

I can stop going to that group any time I want. Oh, I'm sure you can, John.

In fact, now that you mention it, maybe I will take the night off.

Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

I'll take the night off.

All right.

Well, then we'll see you at eight. Oh, new guy brings a pizza. No, Brad, Brad,

said I was going to take the night off. I'm not going to take the night off to

play poker.

I got a lot better things to do with my time.

You just have to find yourself another pigeon.

Pigeon? Hey, John, that hurts.

I just thought you'd enjoy meeting some new people and having a few laughs.

It's not like we're desperate to fill a seat, John.

Mr. Lacey, thanks for the book. Hey, Stanley, do you play poker?

No.