Original subtitles

Thoroughly impressive and charming, says the New York Times about Scott Bakula

and Quantum Leap. This is Scott Bakula inviting you to take the Quantum Leap

with me next.

And Friday night adventure, action, and intrigue can all be yours when you

escape to NBC.

Escape to Baywatch, True Blue, and Mancuso FBI Friday night.

Tell me what you think.

Oh, my God.

Isn't it great? Huh? This is from my old bachelor days.

Wendy found it up in her attic. Hey, maybe you'll like it better here.

I think I like it better in Wendy's attic.

What?

I'm sorry, John, but you asked for my honest opinion, and I honestly hate it.

Kate. I guess only those of us with a more sensitive and enlightened eye can

fully appreciate it.

Hey, John.

I was just in the neighborhood. I thought I could... Whoa, John.

Great. Hey, Jim.

This... It's yours. You can take it.

Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

I know this must seem like a small thing, I'm getting a new area rug, but

soon as I rolled it out for the very first time, I suddenly realized that

place suddenly feels like my own place. You know, it really expresses who I am.

Yeah, you know, there's nothing like the warmth of a rug to make a man's house a

home.

And keep the bed from banging into the wall.

I'm sorry I missed last week's meeting. I feel like I owe you some kind of an

explanation. I wish I could tell you where I was, but I can't.

I just hope I didn't worry you.

No.

John, you know, you've been in that apartment for over six months now. Now,

isn't it time for a housewarming party?

Well, uh... It's just that it's classified top secret, so...

Don't even bother asking. The housewarming party, this doesn't sound

idea at all.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I can't tell you the exact location, but the code name was Nicaragua.

Well, give us a bigger hint. Was it out of the tri -state area?

There I was.

Halfway between hell and downtown Managua.

It was a dark day.

steamy night in the jungle. I know it's... Excuse me, I'm sorry to

I'm running a little late. The expressway was bumper to bumper. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa. We're discussing national security matters here.

So just hold your water.

Sorry. Now, where was I?

John's housewarming party.

Oh, yeah.

You ought to think about it, John.

Housewarming parties can be a lot of fun. Oh, and you get the greatest gifts.

At the last one, I got sheets, a comforter, a negligee, and some bubble

And it wasn't even my house.

Yeah, you know, I think at this time I started thinking about entertaining

again.

Now, suddenly, the sound of enemy fire snaps me back into reality. I'm going to

do it. I'm going to have a housewarming party, okay? How's about Sunday

afternoon for everybody?

Excuse me. Excuse me. What do you people do here?

We're a support group for divorced and separated people.

Oh. You mean if somebody wants to sit around and talk about their problems,

people listen to them? That's right, amigo.

When my wife left me, I was crushed.

So anyway, there I am, halfway between hell and downtown Managua. I know.

I think we have a man in pain here.

Yeah, I was dumped.

She didn't have enough courage to do it face -to -face. She did it by letter.

You know how devastating that can be?

No, but he does.

Say, you got a Dear John letter, too, huh? Well, actually, it was more like a

Dear Lionel letter.

Lionel? Lionel Bradshaw.

Everybody!

Hi, Lionel!

Wow.

That was neat.

Could you get them to do that again?

Aye, Lionel.

Boy, I tell you, I could really use a group like this.

Well, Lionel, we meet at this time every week. If you're interested, you're more

than welcome to join our little family.

You mean it?

Gee, I haven't had anyone to talk with since my wife dumped me. Wait a minute.

had the floor here.

She dumped me the minute I got out. Got out of where? Who cares?

Out of prison.

The floor is yours.

You were, um... in prison.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that a problem?

No, of course not. Hey, hey, Lionel, we consider a man's past to be his own

personal business here.

Right, everybody?

Right, everybody?

Boy, what a decent, caring group of people.

And just think, from now on, I'm one of you.

Well, I got to run. I'll see you all next week.

You know, there was only one other group that ever let me in.

What group is that?

Prisoners Without Partners.

You know, maybe our group is just the right size the way it

is.

I can't believe you people.

You don't want him here because he spent time in prison.

Why don't you come out and say that?

We don't want him here because he spent time in prison. Please.

That's a great attitude.

Look, I don't think that we should let this guy in.

Because if we do, it'll be boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl,

boy, girl, and me.

Oh, come on. Who cares what he did?

Look, this place can be a turning point for Lionel. This group.

I think it deserves a second chance.

Tell that to my Aunt Betty. She got her arm broken by a purse snatcher. An ex

-con out of jail on good behavior.

Kate, if we let our fear and prejudice stop us from helping this man, what kind

of a support group are we?

One that lives to meet again next week?

You see...

Now, that's the kind of thinking I'm talking about. That's what's wrong with

this whole society.

It starts with fear, which leads to panic and irrational behavior. I mean,

people are just a bunch of scared rabbits.

Well, I, for one, refuse to think that way. Don't anybody move!

I lost my contact lens.

It's not up there.

Can you guys help me look for it? Sure.

I'm sorry to put you through this, but these things are expensive.

I used to be able to afford them when I was a CPA.

You were a CPA?

Yeah, right before I went to prison.

Did you hear that? He was a CPA.

Lionel was a certified public accountant before he went to prison.

And did that have anything to do with why you went to prison, Lionel?

Yep.

Juggled a few numbers, did you?

Yep. And don't tell me, some IRS guy caught you, right?

Yep, yep.

That's why I killed him.

Hold it!

Hold it!

I found it.

See,

I tried to tell him it was a bookkeeping error, but that IRS guy, he just

wouldn't listen.

So I, uh, threw him out the window.

The, uh, prison psychologist...

Told me it was because I had a hair -trigger temper when it comes to

I could just fly off the handle.

No telling what could happen.

My, my, where does the time go? Good night, everybody.

Something bothering you, Lionel?

Sorry, it's just that I'm feeling a little...

There was such a big hurry to get out of here and away from me, and nobody wants

to listen to me.

I hate it when nobody listens to me.

But then again, why watch the clock when we're having such jolly good fun?

Lucy, do you mind if I sit down?

But really, the only thing that really calmed me down when I have one of these

spells is something that I learned from my cellmate in prison.

Get gross! He's a redhead!

It's a calming exercise that my psychologist used.

Could everybody please join hands?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay, now could we all join in in singing feelings?

Feelings? Yeah.

No offense, but I'm nobody's quiet boy.

Feelings.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Feelings. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Feelings.

CEO, this one is from Tom.

Oh, I wish you hadn't brought that up. Lionel scares me. Oh, me too.

Maybe we should go to the police.

And do what? Tell the cops the man made us sing Feelings Against Our Will?

I have a confession to make.

The third time around wasn't against my will.

Okay, everybody, more bubbly.

Come and get it.

No, no thanks, Kirk. They say that, you know, drinking more than one glass makes

you lose all self -control.

Really?

Drink up, dude.

I'm sorry to keep bringing Lionel up, but I'm so frightened of him, I don't

if I'm going to show up at group next week.

You know, maybe we shouldn't meet for a while. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.

We can't let one deranged man terrorize an entire group. John is right. I was

ashamed at how cowardly you people were the other night.

What? What did you do?

We just had a plan to stop him.

Was part of your plan trying to crawl out the door?

Exactly.

That was a diversion.

I was going to get him with a Taekwondo move similar to one I used last week on

a rubber at a Nicaraguan mall.

Come on, we came here to enjoy ourselves.

Besides, I want to open some more presents. John, I know what you're

Where's the best gift of all?

The one from your best buddy, right?

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise, so I left that out back by the service

entrance. John, you're going to love this. This is something you can really

I hope so. I still haven't inflated your last gift.

John? Huh?

Why don't you open my present? Well, thank you, Mary Beth. I will.

All right.

What have we got here, folks? We have a bathroom scale.

How much you weigh?

Who wants to try?

13 John Lacey's in the phone book, and I went to every damn one of them.

Oh. Yeah, you didn't want me at your housewarming party, did you, John? No,

on. You hate me, don't you? No, don't be ridiculous. You're afraid of me, aren't

you? Afraid? How did you hear that, afraid?

That's enough, Ralph.

Yeah, well, anyway, I got you a present. Here, open it. Yes, yes, of course.

Sharp gift.

Yeah,

it used to belong to my wife.

She died.

We're all so sorry.

When did she die?

The very day she left me. Some coincidence, huh?

Listen, thanks for the gift, Lionel. It was really very nice of you. Yeah,

listen, John, listen. Why didn't you give me a personal invitation like you

everybody else, huh?

Why didn't you? You want to know why you didn't get a personal invitation?

Well, I'll tell you why you didn't get a personal invitation. It was because...

Because we didn't want you here.

And you know why we don't want you here?

Because... Because... Before you become a member of the group, you've got to be

voted in. And we were just going to hold a secret ballot.

Well, what the heck? He's here now. Might as well hold the ballot right in

of him. Okay? All those in favor of Lionel becoming a member of the group,

your hand and leave the apartment.

Who loves you Lionel?

Who loves you Lionel? This is great.

You can open them now.

Hey, Kirk.

Lionel.

Uh, where is everybody?

They're, uh, gone.

What did you do to them?

Nothing. They said they'd be right back.

Great. So will I.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going, Kirk?

Um... To mulch the tree.

You're not trying to duck out on me, are you?

Duck out on you?

Duck out on you? Are you kidding?

Bite your tongue.

No, no, it's a good thing. For your sake.

See, I had to shoot that IRS guy because he tried to walk out on me. He just

wouldn't listen to me.

You shot him? Yeah, right through his long form.

I thought you said that you threw him out the window.

Well, I... I, uh... I threw him out the window after I shot him.

Yeah. See, I figured the cops would come, and I didn't want them making

ugly chalk marks on my carpet, so... Lionel?

Yeah?

I'm gonna ask you a question, and it might be kind of personal.

What is it?

Are you full of crap?

Yeah.

You're no killer.

No, no.

I've never even been in prison.

See, sometimes, Kirk, I make up these crazy stories so that people will pay

attention to me.

You make up stories to get attention?

Well,

I guess you're going to have to tell everybody the truth about me, huh?

What?

I have everybody ignore you?

Ah, secret sex with me, Lionel. I mean, kill her.

Come on, let's show them we're no flock of sheep.

I feel like a piece of salami.

Hand me that knife, will you? Sure.

Killer.

Give me that knife!

Stand back! Stand back!

It's dangerous!

If I die, I die.

Do you know what happened to the last guy that tried to pull a knife on me?

Huh?

There I was.

Somewhere between hell...

And downtown Managua.

There were two of them.

No.

Four.

I pulled out my Uzi.

But then I realized it wouldn't be a fair fight, so I tossed it away and I

okay.

Now it's just mano a mano.

A mano, a mano, a mano.

The first guy came at me.

That's numero uno.

The second one came at me.

That's numero dos.

Then the third one's on my back.

That is numero...

Three.

Now there was only one more mano left alive.

And if you want to stay alive, my friend, let my people go.

That

is

the single bravest thing I've ever seen.

Another day, another triumph.

Tom, Ralph, John, remember, I'm a trained professional.

I don't want you guys to be ashamed just because you were a little light in the

huevos department.

about my role in the invasion of Grenada?

Hold it right there. I don't want to miss a word, Kirk. Just hold it.

Lionel! I gotta warn you, Kirk is still here.

I just came back to apologize for lying to everyone.

Lying?

Well, yeah, I guess Kirk told you I never really killed anybody.

Never really killed anybody.

No, no.

And Kirk knew that?

Yeah. See, I just wanted a little attention, and I got carried away with

dumb story, you know.

I mean, nobody ever really wants to listen to me. I can understand that,

Yeah. Good night.

Oh, Kirk.

It's mono time.