Original subtitles

Yeah,

yeah, I'm still home for Jeanette.

You remember from the ball last night.

Yeah, that's right. The guy from the State Department.

Exactly.

Listen, Jeanette, I just left my office, and while I was driving home, I thought

I'd give you a ring on the old car phone.

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hey, buddy, read the sign, will you? It is a one -way street.

Jeanette, I got to put you on hold. I got another call coming in on my other

phone.

Jack, got any change?

Why, are you coming to a toll booth?

Edgar was really nice, but he hasn't called me back, and he probably never

Why do you think that?

Because I'm boring.

Oh, will you stop being so tough on yourself? You are not boring.

Oh, come on, Ralph, she's right. She's right, you're not boring.

I mean, you might think of yourself as a little dull, but that's your style.

I was talking about Louise.

Huh? But thanks for noticing, John. Yes,

John, I am the boring one. My face is boring, my hair is boring, everything

about me is boring. You're looking at third generation boring. Oh, come on,

Louise. You're exaggerating.

My family crest is a man sleeping.

I've got to shake things up. Get some excitement into my life.

All right, all right.

I guess I could make some room tonight in my busy schedule to take you out for

little walk on the wild side.

She's bored, Kirk, not brain dead.

Oh, that is hitting below the belt.

Don't stop.

Louise, if you're bored, I think I have the perfect solution.

Now, when was the last time you really pampered yourself?

When was the last time you did something different with your hair or had a

facial or a massage?

When was the last time you did something for you?

You mean besides throwing my husband out?

Now, look, look. Here's a card from World of Beauty. It's fabulous. Trust

have a girlfriend who works there. I'll see.

Well, enough about me. John!

Huh?

You lady you're going out with.

Oh, you mean Gail. Oh, she's terrific.

Her daughter Melissa is something else.

That little cookie's really tough.

You see, little girl's father died a couple of years ago, so she resents

man her mother goes out with.

That can be difficult.

Yeah, tell me about it. She's coming along on our date tonight.

You know, John, I had that problem. A man I was dating had a daughter who

me. But I got even with her. Yeah? What'd you do?

One day while she was taking her nap, I set fire to her social security check.

So, you know, this steamroller comes along and rolls right over the lady's

Now, the lady doesn't get upset, you see.

She just stands there with a long puss.

Wasn't it nice of John to bring us here to Tubby?

Uh -huh.

Yeah, I knew you'd like it. You know, I come here all the time with my son

Matthew. You know, I can't wait for you to meet him.

He's just about your age.

All boys are total dweebs.

Melissa! No, no, no, it's okay. She's right.

Oh, wait a minute. That reminds me of a joke. There's these two little boys who

go into a candy store.

No, I can't play Megatron.

Melissa, John was right in the middle of a story, honey. No, no, no, it's okay.

I think she really likes me.

John, these things take time.

Wait a minute. Let me try a new approach.

Mind if I join you?

Whatever.

Who knows? May even win.

Swing on.

Whoa, you really are good.

I'm trying to concentrate. Sorry.

You really weren't too crazy about us getting together tonight now, were you?

Well, I wasn't too crazy about it either.

Hey, look who's here. Bon Jovi.

Oh, too bad.

I'm sorry.

Looks like you got eaten by the Gribbon. My turn.

You're right.

I didn't want to come here with you.

Oh, no!

You know, I think I'm having a lot of fun here.

Why? I'm killing you. Yep.

Ow.

I beat you, I beat you. Yeah, that's because you cheated. You cheated first.

Yeah, well, don't change the subject.

You want to play again?

Or are you going to just sit there with a long putt?

You know,

I think I'm beginning to like you.

Yeah, you're not so bad yourself.

By the way, your hair's on fire.

Yeah, I know. I like it like that.

Jeanette, it's Kirk.

Kirk Morris.

No, no, no, I'm not calling from my car.

Actually, I happen to be flying over your house, so I thought I'd give you...

Yeah, yeah, I thought I'd give you...

Actually, I happen to be aboard Air Force One.

Yeah, yeah, hold on one second, one second.

Excuse me, can I get some more macadamia nuts for the president over here?

And I take cream in my coffee, yeah.

Thank you, Dan.

Oh.

Hold on, hold on one sec. Dan, Dan, don't make me tell you again, all right?

Stay away from the red phone.

Dad, I wish you could be up here. Dan is such a nut.

So, John, tell us.

How did it go with Gail's daughter?

Oh, great.

Would you believe it? That kid beat me 46 straight times at Megatroid.

Gribbons got you, huh?

Well, congratulations, John.

Looks like you finally got through to her. Got through to her? Kate, I had the

kid pegged all wrong. She's sensational.

She's full of life. I mean, she's great to be with.

And Matthew likes her, too. I really love that kid, you know?

Oh, I bet Gail's glad to hear that, huh?

Gail?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's very happy, and I'm very happy, and everything is

terrific. Oh, really?

You sound serious.

Uh -uh.

No, no, no, don't be silly. No, we're not walking off into the sunset or

anything like that. Oh, we just like each other's company, like to be around

each other, especially when Melissa's around.

I'm taking her to the circus next week.

Oh, Gail?

No, Melissa.

Sounds like fun. Yeah.

See, her mother's got an important business meeting that night, so Melissa

are going to have our own little date.

I used to love it when the circus came to town. Oh, me too.

Yeah, I spent some of the most exciting moments of my life performing with the

Ringling Brothers in Minneapolis.

You were in the circus?

No, the circus was in St. Paul.

It's probably none of my business, but shouldn't you be on your way to

house?

Cat, if you're referring to my cape, I'm only wearing it because there's a chill

in my hair.

In the air.

Oh.

Louise.

Louise, you did it, didn't you? You went for a...

You always look terrific.

Oh, come on, Louise.

It's not the hair or the makeup or the clothes that make a woman appealing to a

man. It's your heart.

It's your mind that makes you so appealing.

What are you trying to tell me, John?

I was trying to tell you you made a big mistake.

What? Looks like she combed her hair with a dust buster.

We were talking about your funny hair.

Catch me!

Don't you wait!

You die, bozo!

Not yet, Mr. Goldberg.

John,

I'm still hungry.

Why don't we drop the stuff off and go down for a pizza?

Absolutely not.

You already had two snow cones.

Not to mention three popcorn.

A ton of peanuts, a dove bar, and four hot dogs.

Okay, but if I starve to death, it's going to be your fault. Yeah, nice

but it's a nice dive. Won't get you anywhere.

Okay.

Besides, I told your sitter I'd get you home early.

Okay, okay.

Can we go to the circus another time?

Sure. How about tomorrow night?

Hi. Hi. Looks like you guys had a really good time.

Major. Oh, yes. Major.

Thank you.

my mom get married.

business trip thinking about me night and day. We went out again, and guess

what? He doesn't find me boring at all. In fact, he thinks I'm beautiful just

the way I am. That's all he talked about the entire night.

Well, sounds like you've got some hot romance going on.

No, I don't. He's too boring.

Hi, John. Hey, John.

Listen, can we start?

I've got a big problem.

It's been driving me crazy for the past two days. I love your hair, Louise.

You know, it's... I think I overdid it. I was trying to get Melissa to like me.

I mean, really like me. And boy, oh boy, does she really like me.

I mean, she's so crazy about me, she expects me to marry her mother.

Oh. Yeah.

John. John.

John.

You babe in the woods. Don't you know when you're being sucky?

Kirk, what are you talking about? Come on.

Everybody knows how devious women can be when it comes to landing a husband.

Oh, come on. Are you trying to say that Gail is using her daughter to get me to

marry her? John, it even happened to me once.

I was going out with this perfect then, right? With, of course, no intention of

getting hitched. And what do you think she did?

Got the dry heaves?

Wrong.

She got her son.

to worm his way into my heart.

I used to take that little fella everywhere, John, and he started tugging

heartstrings. John, I would bounce him on my knee at the ballgame, you know,

carry him on my shoulders at the beach. I was so nuts about this little guy. I'm

ready to pop the question to his old lady, right?

What do you think I find out?

What?

He wasn't her son.

He was a rented...

when he started shaving with me.

So don't tell me women are devious.

Oh, come on, Kurt. Will you stop with your stupid stories? I happen to be in a

lot of pain here. I'm sorry, John.

The worst part of it is I wish I was in love with Gail because I'm so crazy

about her, kid. You'll get over it.

I was crazy about that midget.

You know, I'm supposed to meet both of them over at Tubby's Pizza just after

meeting here, and I really don't know what to do.

about Gail. Maybe it's best for Melissa if you make a clean break now.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll do it tonight.

God, how do I get into this mess?

I really dread having to tell Gail.

You know, I'm not really good at that.

That's amazing.

I never would have thought that. No, no, it's true, Rob.

I just don't have a lot of experience breaking up with women.

No, I mean, I never knew you could rent a midget.

Here, sweetheart.

Why don't you go over to the arcade and set some new records, okay?

Why? Because I need to talk to your mother about something.

Alone.

Oh, God.

Gail. We need to talk, you and me, about our future.

Gail, I really think you're terrific.

And I've given this a lot of thought.

And, um... Oh, boy, this is so difficult for me.

Maybe I can help you.

This is a marriage proposal, isn't it?

No, no, no. No, no, no. You see, uh... Maybe I'm crazy to say this, but...

we shouldn't see each other anymore.

You don't want to see me anymore?

Look, Gail, the fact is, you're too good for me. John. No, no, I mean it. You're

too good for me. John. No, no, no, trust me. You could do a lot better. I know

that, John.

Huh?

John, you're a wonderful man.

You're handsome and you're intelligent and God knows you are great with kids.

But I wouldn't marry you in a million years.

You're not just saying this to make it easy for me, are you?

No, John.

I feel exactly the same way you do. It just wouldn't work.

Wow, it's so great breaking up with someone you have so much in common with.

Oh, sorry, that's my beeper. Let me just go find a phone.

How'd it go? Oh, uh, your mother was called to the phone.

I know, I'm the one who beeped her.

Melissa, why would you do that?

Did you say yes? Melissa, let's go play a game, okay?

Was she surprised?

Not really.

Well, I've been kind of hinting that I want you for my daddy. Yes.

Go ahead, you start.

John, will you just tell me what happened?

What did she say? Just go ahead and start.

Um... Yeah.

Well, I guess the best way to say this is just to come out and say it.

Melissa, your mother and I are breaking up.

Ha ha, nice try. But it won't work.

Did you give her a ring?

Melissa. Did you set the date? Melissa, I'm not playing.

Melissa, look at me.

You're not going to be my daddy, are you? That's right.

Hey, look.

Look, if I ever had a little girl, I would want her to be just like you.

Come on, Melissa.

It didn't work out between your mother and me. You know, I'm sorry. I really

Hey,

come on. It's not the end of the world.

You know, someday your mother's going to meet a man who's really right for her.

And he's really going to be right for you.

So don't hold back from liking him just because you're afraid you're going to

get hurt again. You understand?

Just take a chance.

Not a token. Oh, fine.

Walk away, huh?

Now, don't let anybody get close to you. Just shut people out completely, right?

Well, it was really nice knowing you, and have a nice life.

I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you, too.

Hey, listen.

Would you do me a big favor? It's very, very important to me.

What? Would you let me win one lousy game here?

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

Come here.

Now.

There. Yeah.

Uh -huh.

Your hair's on fire.

Uh -huh.

I know it. That's just the way I like it.

socially significant story next Wednesday.

Never let Kirk sit alone with Mary Beth.

She's everything he looks for in a victim.

By any chance, would you like to come back to my place for some coffee?

Good night.

Good night.

Brackman gets braces, and Rollins has a case with an uncontrollable verbal

twitch. This is Blair Underwood. L .A. Law is making a great case for

television. Next.

And Sunday night, Melissa Gilbert and Family Ties Scott Valentine star in an

world premiere movie. Without her consent, Sunday night.

You got a license to carry that body?

No. Do you have a symbol to carry that brain?

You worry me, Red. You always give me the brush.

I'm used to getting tons of action.

You couldn't get any action if you strapped yourself to a jackhammer.

The Sultan of Swat.

Me, Jeopardy? The one with all the tough questions?

Yeah, they're having auditions this week, and I practically memorized this

of facts. Well, good luck, Ralph.

You know, you can win a lot of money on those game shows.

I once won a small fortune on bowling for dollars.

Really?

My friend bet me a thousand bucks that I wouldn't moon the pin boy.