Original subtitles

Teacher,

teacher,

by the time

Yeah, just a minute.

Oh, Matthew, that's probably Mike coming to pick you up. Let me get you things

together. Okay.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Oh, hey, nature boy.

How was the fishing weekend?

It was terrific.

Yeah? Yeah. I'm dying to hear all about it.

Well, we're out on the lake. It's very, very calm. Yeah, is Matt ready?

Yeah, he'll be out in a minute.

Listen, John, I got to go out of town Wednesday night, and I was thinking

well, I feel kind of bad about leaving Wendy all alone, you know? How come you

never left her alone when I went out of town?

Well, I just thought that maybe you two would like to go out to dinner.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Mike.

Allowing me to take my ex -wife out to dinner?

Oh, I just remembered I got a date that night. Eh, darn.

A date, huh?

Back in the saddle again, huh? Good for you, John.

You get knocked off, you get right back on again.

What's it been now, a year and a half?

Don't start, please. Don't start. No, John, I mean it. I really feel happy for

you. You don't know how miserable it's made me, knowing you don't have a life.

I had a life, remember?

I had a wife.

I had a nice house. Remember my study?

How's my garage, by the way? John, John, John, don't you know any other songs,

huh? Hey, kiddo. You ready?

Yeah.

Okay, Matthew. Yeah, see you next week.

Hey, Dad. What?

Got a spot on your shirt.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I taught him that.

How come I'm not surprised?

Okay, see you, sport. Next week.

I'll push the button.

Oh, listen, John.

Wendy and I really felt lousy about forgetting your birthday last week. Last

month. Whatever.

We were wondering if there was a present that you might want.

Well, thanks, but there's nothing I can... Well, actually... No, no, forget

No, no, John, just name it.

Well, you remember that antique Wedgwood vase my grandmother left me? Oh, the

one you lost in the divorce?

Yeah. I would really like to have that back.

See, I don't know, John. We weren't really thinking about anything that

expensive.

And every night I have the same dream.

I'm on a very wrong... beach in New Jersey.

I'm stripped to the waist and I'm running in slow motion towards this

woman with long blonde hair blowing in the wind as she's running towards me.

I'm full of passion.

My blood is racing.

My 75 -year -old kindergarten teacher.

What do you suppose that means?

It means you can't even get lucky in your dreams.

Hey, there he is. We go fox on. Big John.

What's your curse? Hey.

Ooh.

Somebody's not getting enough fiber.

Oh, nothing important. It's just that Mike dropped by to lay a little

humiliation on me.

And you let him get to you again?

I can't help it. He knows how to push my buttons. And your wife's buttons.

A joke.

You're not going to believe this.

He's going out of town, so he asked me to take Wendy out to dinner.

He doesn't think of enough of me to even get jealous.

That man trusts me. I hate him.

So what'd you tell him?

I lied. I told him I had a date with him.

And he believed that?

Sometimes I really feel like such a wimp.

You know, John, sometimes I feel the same way.

Don't worry.

It passes.

John, you're letting this hoot. with Mike destroy your self -confidence.

No, no, no. It's not just Mike. I have trouble asserting myself in everything.

Oh, come on. Now you're exaggerating. No, no, no. It's true. It's true in

everything.

For instance, every morning for the last six months, this very attractive lady

stands at my bus stop and, well, we nod at each other once in a while. We even

smile at each other, but I can't seem to get up enough courage to break the ice.

Dear, why don't you just walk up and say hello to this woman? It could be a

bit... They've been making you feel better about yourself.

Just say hello?

Yes, could help bring back your self -confidence.

And once you get that back, even a scoundrel like Mike won't be able to

you. Just say hello, huh?

Hello? Hi.

Hello. Hello there.

That's a good one.

Yeah, okay.

All right, on Monday, I'm just going to walk up to that lady and say, hello

there.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work, John, do what I do.

walk up to her, put your hand on her dorset, and say, pardon me, is this seat

taken?

I don't know about you, but I'm having a terrific time. Oh, me too.

I've got to admit, I was a little nervous at first.

Yeah, isn't it crazy? Huh?

For six months, we've been eyeing each other, and just like that, last Monday,

it just happened.

Hello is such an easy word to say.

I know.

I wonder what took me so long to come over to you and say it.

Never forget the morning I saw you for the first time. You were all bundled up

in this big parka and this fur hat and red muffler around your neck.

I just wanted to come up and ask you out, but I wasn't sure there was anyone

there. You know what I mean?

I noticed you too that morning.

Your ears were so red, I just wanted to walk over and nibble on them and warm

them up.

Really?

I should have walked over to you then.

Or at least sent one of my ears over to you.

I guess I'm just a slow mover.

You mean like that guy over there?

Why don't they stay at home?

I don't think they're going to make it home.

Good thing this is a hotel.

They're not going to make it to their car.

How long do you think we have to watch there?

I don't know. Another kiss like that and they're going to make a move to the

smoking section.

Kind of rude, isn't it?

Yeah.

Check, please.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that was nice.

I don't believe it. Neither do I.

Where's that kid?

I don't understand.

That's Mike, my ex -wife's boyfriend.

So? So, that's not my ex -wife.

So? So, what's he doing here with that bimbo? He should be home in bed with my

wife where he belongs.

The same dreams about my kindergarten season.

It's haunting me.

It should be haunting you.

She's been worm food for 20 years.

What?

Pay no attention to him, Ralph.

Dreams are the voice of the subconscious.

Perhaps you have some unfinished business with Mrs.

Krakow. Yeah. Is there something you might have been holding back all these

years? Something you wish you'd said to me?

Judge yourself.

Well... Say it, Ralphie. Say it.

Good things come to those who wait.

And every dog will have his day.

Just sit right here.

John. Yes?

I take it you got up enough nerve to talk to that woman at the bus stop.

Oh, I not only talked to her, I took her out. It was sensational. It was

fantastic. It was the best night of my life.

Oh, I think John got a kiss.

No, no.

I got something a lot better than that.

I got Mike.

You kissed Mike? No, no, no.

I was sitting in the restaurant at the Wembley Hotel with, what's the name? And

I looked up right across the room in a booth.

Necking passionately is good old Mike with another woman.

A sexy, tempting, luscious redhead. I got him. I got Mike right where I want

him. Between a redhead and a hard place.

John! Come on.

Come on. Necking passionately.

Kate. Kate.

He was caressing her shoulder. He was stroking her hair. He was biting her

What do you call that?

I call that saying goodbye to the mailman.

Well, let me tell you something.

The passion didn't end with dining in the dining room.

It did not end with dinner.

It ended with breakfast in room 402.

Heavens, John. You didn't follow them.

Did you?

Oh, come on, Louise. What are you taking me for?

I bribed the room service waiter for a copy of their breakfast check.

Mike made a big mistake.

He sure did.

He paid $19 .50 for French toast.

This is Mike's one -way ticket out of my life. And when I show him this, he's

going to beg, he's going to plead, he's going to cry, he's going to squirm. But

it's not going to do him any good. I'm going to force him to call Wendy and

her what he did. And when Wendy finds out... Oh, I know my ex -wife. God bless

her. She'll kill him.

You're very emotional right now. You're not thinking clearly.

Yeah, don't do anything you might regret.

Regret? Regret?

Kate, I'm going to have a grown man down on his hands and knees begging and

pleading.

What could be better than that?

Two men?

Good to see you all, buddy. Yeah, I don't have much time. You want to see

appreciate you coming by. Just sit down, make yourself comfortable.

So, how was your trip out of town?

I didn't go out of town.

No, really?

Well, you know what they say, the best laid plans.

Now, listen, Mike, I've got something I want to tell you. Yeah, well, save it,

John. I've got something more important to tell you. I doubt that.

I know I said I was going out of town Wednesday night, but...

I didn't go. You bet you didn't. And you know why you didn't? You see, a few

months ago, I met this manicurist at my barber shop at the Wembley Hotel, you

know? Stop.

What a knockout. I mean, she's built exactly the way a woman named Brandy

be. Full body, smooth, and 25 years old. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Anyway, John, we get together from time to time. When her boyfriend's out of

town with his team, he's a pro football player. Out of town?

Mm -hmm.

I thought this was a one -night stand. This is an affair. A whole affair.

having an affair?

Don, Don, you're blowing this whole thing way out of proportion.

It's just sex.

Pure, unadulterated, cheap, marvelous, rocket -to -the -moon sex.

Listen, it doesn't mean a thing.

Wait a minute.

What are you telling me this for?

Well, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, John, and I wanted to talk to

you about it.

You know, you never cease to amaze me. I've known you for 20 years. I never had

any idea that you could be capable of feeling guilty about anything.

No, I don't feel guilty. I saw you at the restaurant that night.

Thanks, Mike. I came this close to thinking you were human.

I gotta show you something, old man.

Your room service bill at the Wembley Hotel.

A director's check.

Oh, my God.

I paid $19 .50 for shrimp.

And now... And now, you're going to call Wendy and tell her all about this

little affair of yours.

That's for sure going to do.

Oh, that's a good one, Tom.

That's too much.

Hi, Wendy.

Guess where I've been every time the Jets have an away game.

You kill me.

You know...

If I were you, I'd make that call because if I make that call, it's going

ugly. I'll take my chances.

I'm warning you.

If you've forgotten, John, the number's 549... You don't think I'm going to do

this, right?

It's 549... I'm dialing, I'm dialing.

It's ringing.

Wendy's ring. Do you hear it?

John, you care too much about Wendy.

You'd never do anything to hurt her.

Hello, Wendy, it's John.

Listen, I got something to tell you, Wendy.

Mike's on his way home.

And that's the way I met Tommy Dorsey.

I never knew you spent your youth traveling with big bands. What kind of

were you?

Oh, I wasn't a singer. I just traveled with big bands.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Johnny boy!

So, come on. How'd it go with Mike? Huh? You hang him out to dry, John? Did he

get down on his knees in a bag?

No.

Not even one knee? No.

Did he just bend a little? No.

Oh, John.

How humiliating.

Yeah, he must feel like dirt.

You know what Mike did?

He handed me the phone and dared me to call Wendy to tell her about him.

And that redhead. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't get myself to tell Wendy.

I'm a coward.

Oh, John, John, John, John, John, no.

You are not a coward.

You're a wuss.

Kirk, please.

What? That is the difference, Louise, between him and me. I never would have

folded like a weenie.

I remember when I was on Porkchop Hill.

Inching my way up through the mud on my belly with a knife in my teeth and a

grenade in my hand.

I peered into a pillbox. I pulled the pin. I looked into their eyes.

And I said, there.

Have a nice day.

I blew their wall doors all over the 38th parallel.

But you, my friend, you looked into your enemy's eyes and you blinked.

And that's why he's got your house.

He's got your wife.

And in case you haven't noticed, John, he's got your self -esteem.

Oh, don't listen to him, John.

Now, you just put Wendy's feelings before your own. You proved you're a man

integrity. John, if you want Mike to end this affair, perhaps you should talk to

him and appeal to his sense of decency.

Sense of decency? We're talking about a man who committed his mother to a

nursing home when she was 42 years old.

All right, John.

All right, bury your head in the sand. Just sit around.

Do nothing and torture yourself.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I want to do something about this.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get my self -esteem back.

Way to go, John!

And don't blink!

Kirk, the Korean War was over 40 years ago. You were on Porkchop Hill?

Yeah.

But if it's all the same to you, uh...

I just assume not talk about it.

Hey,

listen, thanks for buying me dinner, pal. I'm glad you decided to let bygones

bygones. Hey, why not? What's the point in being vindictive? Oh, thanks for

driving me home. It was nice being back in my old car again.

Oh, listen, you know, I wouldn't let you drive, but I got the seat adjusted just

the way I like it.

Listen, uh... The reason I planned this whole evening was because, uh... I think

we need to talk. Oh, I couldn't agree with you more, John. And I want to let

know that this... This whole stink that you made about, well, threatening to

tell Wendy about me, well... Well... I forgive you.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I... I think you should stop seeing this brandy.

Oh, Johnny boy.

Oh, that's a good one, boy.

If you looked up in that mirror and saw what I saw, you'd know that I just can't

let it go.

So it's your intention to go on seeing this girl indefinitely?

No, I didn't say that.

Just till the Super Bowl.

Just wait a minute. Let me ask you something.

How would you feel If it was Wendy who was running around and cheating on you.

Oh, Wendy wouldn't cheat on me. She cheated on me. I know. I was there,

remember?

So what you're trying to say is that there's absolutely nothing I could say

would make you change your mind.

Absolutely nothing.

Good. Mike, meet Rudy, Brandy's boyfriend.

So, John tells me you're a friend of Brandy's.

Who?

I don't know anyone, no, named Brandy. And anyway, she never told me she had a

boyfriend. Well, you two probably have a lot to talk about. John, John, don't

go, John. What was that on your shirt? What?

John told me that one.

Oh, there's Mike.

If you need anything, just holler. John?

John?

And Friday night, take the plunge with the Baywatch team, the dynamic duo of

Battles and Kaz on hardball, and a new kind of American hero, Mancuto FBI.

Friday, only on NBC.

Oh, John!

Oh, hi, Kate.

Great news, John.

I got him! Oh, that's great. Congratulations.

Got what?

Our tickets to the opening of the Steinmiller exhibit on the 29th. Oh, uh,

Kate, I gotta talk to you about that.

A friend of mine just invited me to the Giants -Bears game. It's the same exact

day.

Oh, and of course, you'd rather watch a bunch of grown men knock each other

silly than to meet Hans Steinmiller, one of the greatest sculptors of our time?

I knew you'd understand. Thanks.

How can you stand me up like this? I thought we had a date.

Kay, please, come on. It's not like a date date. I mean, it's more like a sort

of a buddy date.

Well, what's the difference?

Oh, buddy dates are cancelable.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

Come on, Kay.

A lot of people would be pleased to go to the Spymiller exhibit. I'm sure you

could... I'm sure you can find someone to go with you. Oh?

Okay, okay, don't beg.

I will go with you, but you owe me one.

Kirk, you've probably never even heard of Steinmiller. What, are you kidding

When I was in Bavaria, we used to drink it by the keg.

Forget it, Kirk. Hey, come on, no. Right, come here, listen.

After a little Steinmiller, maybe we could wiggle out of our lederhosen and

each other yodel.

Kurt, you're disgusting.

You have an obnoxious personality, and you have the IQ of a soap dish.

I

am

inches away from having her.