Original subtitles

is filmed before a live studio audience.

Lemanski. To what do I owe this pleasure?

I thought you might be sad this year, not having Christmas with your family.

So, I brought you some Christmas cheer.

Well, that's very neighborly of you, ma 'am.

What is it?

What does it look like?

It's wine.

My special wine.

Well, well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's a very unusual taste.

I can't quite place it.

Beets.

You're not having any?

I hate beets.

This is what I like.

Your help. Yes, ma 'am.

Where I come from, we say Nasdrowie.

Nasdrowie. Nasdrowie, yes.

Where exactly do you come from, Mrs. Lemeski?

A little town in Poland.

It's not even there anymore.

I never forget the Christmases with my husband Branislav and our children.

Very poor family. We couldn't even afford a turkey.

Yeah, but I bet you were very happy.

Don't be stupid.

We were miserable.

Oh, I see. But one year, my husband brought home a record.

You know it? No, I can't say I do.

Then don't sing along.

They played that record over and over on an old gramophone.

Oh, that machine made such a noise.

But my husband and I, we always danced to that music at Christmas time.

Oh, my Bronislaw, he was a good man.

Mrs. Lemeski, you never did tell me what happened to him. Oh, he went off to

fight in the war.

I never saw him again.

Some say the Germans killed him. Some say it was the Russians.

I like to think he met a nice woman with a good hi -fi system.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Yes, Wendy.

An imposition? Are you kidding?

No, that's wonderful.

That's the best Christmas present I could get.

My ex -wife is going out of town with her boyfriend. I get to spend the entire

Christmas with my son.

Yes.

Well, actually, Wendy, I've got a woman here.

We're having a little wine, a little music and some dancing.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to see her again, sure.

Actually, she's quite attractive.

She's very lovely. In fact... Don't listen to him, sweetheart.

It's the beats talking.

I walked through Central Park today.

It looked like one big Christmas card. Doesn't New York sparkle this time of

year? Oh, yes.

I was just at F .A .O.

Schwartz buying a gift for my niece. They played Christmas music.

The little children were laughing and singing. It was just like fairyland. I

over at Rockefeller Center watching the people ice skating.

And there was that tremendous tree with all the twinkling lights. It was...

I hate Christmas. I know.

everyone. I get to spend the whole Christmas with my son.

We're gonna build a snowman in Central Park, we're gonna go skating at

Rockefeller Center, and we're gonna go shopping at F .A .O. Schwartz.

Don't you just love Christmas?

Actually, John, some of us are having trouble getting into the Christmas

Oh, I'm sorry.

Believe me, I understand this could be a rough time of year.

You know, you really are lucky, John.

I just wish the rest of us had something to do over the holidays.

Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. Why don't we put together a little Christmas party of

our own? Oh, that's not a bad idea. Oh, sure. Maybe we can even get some of the

other groups from the center to join us. Oh, excellent thought. We could ask the

Alcoholics Anonymous and the Weight Watchers and the Smoke Enders.

We'd save a bundle on refreshments.

upset you guys, but I can't stay.

Oh, dear. I know, I know, I know. But I did want to come by and fill you in on

my Yuletide plans.

Turns out, I gotta go to Tahiti.

Yeah, Marlon wants me to come spend Christmas with him this year.

Marlon? Yeah, you know, the godfather?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

He made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

Marlon Brando?

Probably be the same crowd he gets there every year, you know.

Stalitz.

Bare -breasted native girls.

Ooh.

Pop, I didn't want you to feel like I'd forgotten about you at the Christmas

season, you know? So I've got a little something here for each of you.

Wealthy.

Red.

Thanks, Kirk. John. Well, Kirk.

And Louise.

This is for you.

40 regular?

9 1⁄2 D?

15 1⁄2 33?

What are these?

That's my shirt size, my shoe size, and my jacket size.

I just wanted to make your holiday shopping not much easier, you know?

wine. Oh.

So, I thought you might like to try this glass.

Yes, well, as a matter of fact, I do prefer a white.

What's this one made from?

Cauliflower.

Yeah, amusing little vegetable.

Mrs. Emeski, wait right there.

I have something for you.

What is it?

It's a Christmas card.

20 years I'm in America.

It's the first card I ever got.

Oh, you're kidding.

You won't believe this, but I have lots of trouble making friends.

It's a very small card, isn't it?

I don't think so.

Well, Mr. Goodbye, I...

I got to go find a place to put this very tiny little thing.

Merry Christmas, Mike.

I bet I know one little guy who's got to have a super wonderful time this

Christmas. John, can I talk to you for a moment? You know what I got lined up

for you?

John, there's something that I need to explain to you. I bet you don't know the

first place we're going to go.

Disney World.

Disney World?

I'm sorry, John.

Jeff Newfield's parents decided at the last minute to go down there for

Christmas and they invited Matthew to come along.

I tried to call you earlier, but you weren't at home.

Oh, John, look, he has his heart set on it.

Please, I've always wanted to go to Disney World. My entire life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, of course you can go.

The thing is, John, he has to leave tonight, so maybe we could open our

now. Tonight?

I didn't even have any time to wrap mine yet.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

There you go, Matt.

Merry Christmas.

Thanks, Dad.

Wow, these are great.

Yeah, and perfect for Florida.

Hey, I tell you what, why don't I keep these here for you till you get back?

Okay. Okay, who's next?

Well, this is from you for your mother.

Thank you, Matt.

Oh, thank you. And you have a present for your dad, too, don't you?

Here you go.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Wendy, you really didn't have to.

Yo -yo.

It lights up in the dark and everything.

Well, thank you, Matt. It's just what I wanted.

Well, listen, fellas, it's getting kind of late.

John, I feel really... bad about this, but we do have to go. Come here.

Merry Christmas, Matt.

Bye, Dad.

Bye.

Bye -bye, John.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Which group? Um, the smoke -enders are the ones not smoking, the alcoholics are

the ones not drinking, and the over -eaters are the really fat ones.

Thanks for clearing that up, Ralph.

Kate, can I talk to you for a minute? Oh, sure.

Uh,

Kate, now that my son won't be visiting me for the holidays, I thought maybe

he'd like to come to my place for a Christmas dinner.

accepted another invitation.

Ah, that's too bad.

Family thing?

Uh, yeah, sort of.

My ex -husband.

Neither one of us had anything to do, so we decided to get together and exchange

unpleasantries.

Oh, well.

John, could we make room on the table for these, please?

Thank you.

Say, Louise, um, I was wondering...

If you don't have any plans for Christmas, maybe you'd like to join me.

Oh, how very thoughtful, dear. But I'm spending Christmas with a gentleman

companion.

Oh, I see.

Well, actually, I'm killing two birds with one stone. I couldn't decide what

give the mailman.

Hi, Ralph.

Hi, John. How are you? I suppose you have Christmas plans, huh? Oh, yes, I

I'm, uh...

I thought I'd have a traditional Christmas.

I'm going to go visit my grandparents.

Oh, that's very nice.

Guess you'll have fun, huh? Well, I doubt it. They're both dead.

You mean you're going to go visit the cemetery?

Yeah, yeah. You see, I sing a few Christmas carols, and then I sprinkle

holly over the graves.

Oh, do you want to come along?

No, no, I don't think so.

Ice. Maybe I better find some ice.

Hello.

Hi, John. It's Wendy.

Wendy?

Oh, great.

So tell me, what's Christmas Eve like in the Caribbean?

romantic playmate got a last -minute invitation to go moose hunting with

college roommates.

Oh, and the idea of blowing Bullwinkle to smithereens doesn't appeal to you?

Hardly. So guess where I am?

Home alone.

It's the first time I can remember being alone on Christmas Eve.

Do you want to know the irony, John?

I'm sitting here in bed wearing those silk pajamas you gave me for Christmas

last year.

Well, the tops, anyway. Listen, Wendy, I don't think I really want to hear this

right now.

So why don't you come over here and spend Christmas Eve with me?

Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

Your romantic holiday in the Caribbean fell through, and only the tops, huh?

And you expect me to jump at the chance to spend Christmas Eve with you?

You remember that silly little game we used to play after dinner?

And I'd ask you if you'd been naughty or nice.

Oh, I want to be naughty, John.

Oh, Granny.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Wendy, I don't know if this is right.

I need a little time to think about this.

How much time?

That's enough. Give me ten minutes.

use your body like a lump of meat. Oh, God, I hope so.

Come in.

Hello, mister.

Mrs. Lemanski.

Isn't Christmas Eve wonderful?

Yeah, yeah, it's wonderful.

Uh, anyway, I, uh, I brought you a Christmas card.

than the one you gave me.

I can see that.

Oh, that reminds me. Mrs. Lemeski, I have something for you.

Ah, where did I put that? Oh, yeah.

That's the record that you and your husband used to dance to, right?

Yeah. Yeah, there was this little used record shop over on West 3rd, McDougal.

I was just browsing there, and I happened... Mrs.

Lemeski?

Mrs. Lemeski, are you okay?

Yes. I was just remembering.

I wish I had a gramophone to play it on.

Oh, there's a record player.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

No, no, no, I didn't.

There's a record player right over there.

Here, let me play it for you.

May

I

have the pleasure of this dance, Mr. Lewis?

Don't be silly. Oh, come on.

Come and have Christmas Eve dinner with me tonight.

Oh, that would be very nice, Mrs. Lemeski, but I... No, no, no, no. You

inconveniencing me. Yes, I know, Mrs. Lemeski, but you see, I, uh... I don't

want you to have Christmas Eve dinner alone.

I know what it's like.

I always have Christmas Eve dinner alone.

I always have every dinner alone.

Who wants to be with a cranky old lady like me?

So... You will have...

Lemenski, I would love to have Christmas Eve dinner with you.

Merry Christmas, mister.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Lemenski.

Hold that smile.

Now, where were we?

You remind me of Branislav, my husband.

Well, that's very flattering.

He was also a lousy dancer.

Will Kelsey's beautiful client win against a tabloid's vicious attack?

Will a bad judgment shatter Cusack's career?

And Saturday night's full of laughs with 227.

Then, lift your spirits with Amen, followed by the Golden Girls, and an all

Empty Nest, as Harry gets a late gift from his late wife, Saturday.