Original subtitles

I'm home.

to remind everyone that this Saturday we are having our first singles soiree.

Soiree? A wing ding.

A shin dig. A bit of a bash.

Blink if I'm getting through to you, dear.

It's a party, Ralph.

Now there'll be other people just like yourselves.

Granted, that doesn't sound like much. of an inducement but after all what

about here is promoting social interaction breaking down interpersonal

and blazing brave new trails toward mutual fulfillment is

the writing big enough

Louise, I don't think I can make it. Oh, no, God, John, it sounds like so much

fun.

It might be one of those parties where they stamp your hand.

Yeah, besides, John, what else could a guy like you possibly have to do on a

Saturday night?

Well, as it turns out, Kirk, I just moved into a new place. I'd like to

the place up a little bit. You know, do a little painting, hang some drapes.

With some fresh cheese in the traps?

Oh, nonsense, John. I mean, really.

What good is sitting alone?

What do you think?

What do I think? Well, I think... Hi, John.

Hi, Kate. How are you?

Good. How are you?

Oh, boy.

You look nice.

Thanks.

John. Red.

A. Kate.

Oh, A in one.

Knockout dress.

I figured he'd be the first one here. Yeah, I talked him on the phone. I don't

think he's coming. No?

Hey, there's a little action around here tonight. Why isn't Ralph coming? He was

really looking forward to this. Well, between the three of us, I think Ralph

made me a little upset about something.

Upset? Why upset?

Oh, oh, oh, I think I'm in love.

What makes you think Ralph's upset? Oh, he was crying. He was sniffing. He could

barely talk. That, I'm telling you, as a woman, I could get very serious about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Class act.

Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk.

Look, I hate to interrupt you during your mating season, but would you

please tell us what's happened to Ralph? I don't know. It's hard to make out

with all the blubbering. Oh, damn it. Kirk, didn't you say anything to him?

Yeah, I said, Ralph, okay, so you're miserable and your life stinks. What are

you going to do, kill yourself?

What did Ralph say?

I don't know. After that, the line went dead.

So how's this guacamole?

Kirk, how could even you be so stupid?

Oh, God, you don't think that Ralph would... Do you know where he lives?

Yes, my car's around the corner. Let's go.

Hey, ladies, how about a little dirty dancing?

I'd just like to know what's wrong with you.

What makes you think something's wrong?

Oh, Ralph, please. We're only here to help.

Ralph, look, whatever it is, I'm sure it's something that Kate and I have

wrestled with ourselves.

Now, please, I promise you, we can help. Can't we, Kate? Of course.

Paraglyphics. Now, those are open to a million different interpretations.

Absolutely.

It said all who read this are doomed.

Okay.

Ralph, are you saying that something happened to your grandfather?

didn't suffer.

Sorry.

carry on. It's almost like you knew him.

I thought about burying him out in the garden, but I just haven't

been able to.

Do you know what you have to do?

At times like this, you have to look back over your whole life and just try

remember something happy.

No, I mean really happy. Yeah.

even painted it myself.

The bottom half was red and the top half was white.

And it had a stove and a sink and even a little toilet.

I used to take it out on the weekends, camping and holidays. See, there you go.

Right, right. Now, anytime you feel, you know, just a little down and you want

to cheer yourself up, well, you just think of that little red and white

I will. Good for you.

And I'll just try to forget that Fourth of July, a gang of drunks pushed it down

into banquet.

It

wound

up in a ditch.

Oh, Ralph, that's awful.

I sat there for two days thinking the same thing.

You were in the camper?

Swarm at the dance, and I'm thinking, my buddy's depressed, and who do I send

over to cheer him up?

The Downer twins.

You too.

Take five.

The Kirksters here.

How you feeling, buddy?

Oh, not too bad, Kirk. Yeah?

Well, you look like you just lost your best friend.

Listen,

Ralph's had kind of a bad day.

He lost his job, his pet died, and his electric razor is broke.

Oh, jeez.

Ralphie, it sounds like you're cursed or something.

Don't say that. Don't say that. There is no such thing as a curse. No curses

here. There are no curses here. All right, take it easy.

Ralph, can I give you some advice?

You've got to get your mind off of your problems.

Why don't you go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich?

Well, I guess I could find something in the kitchen.

Got Ralphie in the dumper?

Yeah. So what's the big deal? Can't he get an exterminator in here?

Kurt, it's a turtle.

Ralph's had him for years.

We should have punched some holes in the box. This little guy is dead.

He was gonna bury him in the garden, but he couldn't get himself to do it.

I'll take care of it. You?

No, thanks. I'll take care of it myself.

Oh, come on. You guys have been here all night taking care of him. Let me at

least do something.

I'll take care of it. Hey, come on.

I'm a person.

I got feelings over here.

Come on. I'd like to feel like at least I can do something. Come on, please.

It's important to me.

You know, Kirk, you are full of surprises.

Yeah.

It's the kind of guy I am.

Could John and I have a moment alone, please? Don't worry about it, John.

be done and done.

How's he doing?

I'm really worried about Ralph.

You know, I think it would be better if I stayed with him tonight.

Yeah, okay.

That's a good idea.

Now, if we can only get rid of Kirk.

That's okay. I put him in charge of the turtles' funeral arrangements.

You did what?

I know what you think of Kirk, and I don't blame you, but, you know, I think

within that grass exterior, there's a really nice guy just struggling to get

out.

Good morning, John. Oh, Ralph.

What time is it? Oh, it's after 11.

I've been up for hours. I've already done the shopping.

Well, you... You certainly look like you feel a lot better since last night. Oh,

I do. I do 100 % better.

All that nonsense about a curse, I can't believe I really thought that.

Oh, Ralph, I'm so glad to hear you say that. And I owe it all to you. Me?

You made me realize that...

I have something millions of people don't have.

Friends. Oh.

Oh, uh, would you like some granola?

Yeah, why not?

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Kurt. Let me guess.

Not a morning person, right, John?

He's actually a different person. I mean, he's actually happy.

Well, he will be even happier when he sees what his old buddy Kirk has done

him.

Why? What have you done for him, Kirk?

It is a surprise. Just tell me, please. What have you done for him? What have

you done for him, Kirk? What have you done for that man?

Oh, hi, Kirk. Ralph.

Would you like some granola? All in the fullness of time, my friend. I got a

little something for you.

Well, what is it? Open it.

Well, that's very nice, Kirk.

And expensive, I'm sure. Please, let's not spoil the moment by talking about

money.

I mean, what's $39 .95 between friends?

This is wonderful.

Thank you, Kirk.

No one has ever... I just, I don't know what to say. That is only the beginning,

Ralph. I am going to take you in the kitchen. I am going to make you my

gourmet specialty breakfast.

You got frozen waffles, right?

Why shouldn't everything be fine?

Fine? Come in.

This condition of Ralph's, it's not contagious, is it?

Oh, hi.

Great, Louise. And how are you today, dear?

I'm a lot better, thank you.

Um, I'd offer you some coffee, but the coffee maker just quit.

Well, hey, ladies.

Well, I guess I can forget about breakfast. Ralphie's Toaster just bought

farm.

Kirk? Mm -hmm.

Oh, that was very nice of him.

Ralph, we've got another surprise for you. Yes. We're going to drive you down

the pet shop and buy you a spanking new turtle. Oh, thanks, Louise, but I went

down this morning when they opened, and I've got two new turtles.

Oh, where are the little darlings? In the aquarium.

And to say thank you to each and every one of you for helping me,

I opened my bottle of champagne.

Well,

it's sparkling wine, actually.

Here you are. Take one. Here you go, John. Oh, thank you.

Here you are.

I would like to propose a toast.

To my friends.

Some cheese and crackers.

He's right, you know.

I mean, when you think of all the happy times you had in your life, all those

crazy, wild moments, who'd you have them with?

Family?

People from work? No.

No.

You had them with friends.

How about you, Louise?

I bet you had some pretty wild times with your friends, huh?

Well...

caution to the wind once or twice?

Yes.

What about you, Red? You ever done any wild things?

Not really, no.

Oh, yeah, I forgot who I was talking to.

Well, I, for one, have had many very wild experiences with my friends.

I'll never forget one time in particular. It was Fourth of July many

I'm out in the country with about four buddies.

We stumble into this bar, and we get bombed. I mean polluted.

We get thrown out of there, and we're walking down this windy country road.

We come across this little, tiny, red and white camper.

Race becomes an issue when Grace faces a powerful opponent on L .A. Law.

And Saturday night, the thought of a bikini -clad Brenda has Mary on the

on 227.

Then lift your spirits with Amen, followed by the Golden Girls and Empty

Then Hunter and McCall, the friend of Lloyd, cocked into silence by his

murder in the tense Hunter season premiere.