Original subtitles

Thank you.

Dear John is filmed before a live studio audience.

Okay.

Now, make sure you tell my brother the place looks cheerful.

But it doesn't.

Well, it's better than that gloomy hotel room he's been living in.

No, it's not.

So, John, how do you like your new bachelor pad?

Not very cheerful.

What did I tell you, Gloria?

I'll help you fix it up.

It will be very, very nice.

I give you credit, John, the way you've come through this divorce.

Divorce?

Oh, right, yeah.

I almost forgot about it. I mean, it must have really thrown you for a loop.

Your best friend and your wife.

I've had better starts to a week.

I bet every time you think of her, you can't help picturing the two of them

together. Actually, Harry, I don't mean... Must really stay with you.

You know what they say, time heals everything. Those stolen looks.

The secret smiles, the soulful sighs, a little winks.

See what I mean?

Okay.

That should get you started.

Huh? Oh, thanks, thanks. Now, John, I hope it goes without saying, the last

thing I want to do is interfere in your life.

Well, I appreciate it. But I saw this ad in the paper.

See, it's for divorced and single people.

The one -to -one club.

Mm -hmm.

meeting tonight at the community center what do you say honey john's not

interested in a place like that i mean why would he want to go hang around with

a bunch of other pathetic losers

Excuse me.

Yes, can I help you?

John. John Lacey.

I phoned earlier.

Oh, you must be one of the new members.

Oh, gosh.

I don't seem to have you on my list.

Oh, well, no problem. My name is Faye. I'm the organizer of the group. Oh, nice

to meet you. Thanks.

Come on over and meet another new member.

Frank? Say hello to John.

Hi. It's his first night as well.

We'll get the meeting started in a moment.

She seems very nice.

Yes. Helps make you relax. Yeah.

Hello, everyone.

There's supposed to be some other new members joining us this evening.

They're probably still wandering around in that maze of corridors out there.

So, while we're waiting for them to join us, why don't we meet the two that did

manage to get here?

I'd like you to introduce yourselves.

Frank, why don't we start with you? Oh, good.

Elimination. Some of these friends are almost dead.

Yes, John, please. This is John. Oh, hi.

Good evening. My name is John, and I'm in the wrong room.

Come on, John.

We know it's tough, but if Frank can do it, so can you. No, no, no, no, no,

really. No, no, I'm in the wrong room.

No, John, I know you have a drinking problem. I can tell.

Tell? What are you talking about? I noticed your breath before.

Oh, that? No, I was early, so I stopped in the bar and had a... Very small

white. We've all been in that bar before, John.

No, no, no, really, really. Look, I came here tonight to join something called

the one -to -one club. It's for divorced people.

I looked through the window and you all looked, well, divorced.

Well, most of us are divorced.

Well, of course.

No,

I'm sorry.

Please, please. The one -to -one club is across the hall.

Yeah, thanks.

There were no signs, no arrows.

Well, what did you expect?

Emotionally shattered this way, luscious to your left? Yeah, I know what you

mean. Look, I'm very sorry. Good luck, Frank.

Just browsing.

I've got to go.

Did you by any chance phone me this afternoon?

Me? No. I haven't phoned anyone for years.

It's John, isn't it?

Uh, no.

John? Yes? Your paper. Thank you.

Stick with me. You're going to make it like a bandit.

Excuse me?

With the femmes.

Femmes? Femmes. Females. Ladies.

Broadskies. Oh, yeah.

I mean, look around.

What do you see? John. Huh? You see divorced, separated, even widowed

Yeah. They look around. What do they see? They see you.

And they see me, my friend.

Yeah. We could really get our turkeys tetrazzini'd in a...

Check out these other zombies. I mean, I've seen lively faces with tags on

toes.

See the redhead over there?

Don't look.

Oh, boy, John, relax.

You're dense, Hank.

She has been coming out to me all night.

I'm afraid to smile over here. Next thing you know, she's going to be

tie me up.

Which reminds me, you like typhoon?

Yeah, I guess I do. All right, we'll finish up here. We'll grab a couple of

these babes, zip down at a Cafe Siam, shake and bake a little. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

It's cool, John. It's cool.

You got a car, right? Well, actually, no.

All right, nice talking to you, John.

Kirk, your name is Kirk.

Stay with me. You're going to make out like a...

Hi.

Hi. First time here? Yeah.

Yeah, mine too.

I've been meaning to give this a try for a couple of weeks. I just couldn't work

up the nerve.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I've got a feeling we're all going to get along just great.

Now let's get some introductions going shall we?

Anonymous meaning is in the room across the hall.

What? Yes. Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

for cosmetic reasons.

I'm sorry.

So I phrased the question badly. Now, that's no reason to attack me. I wasn't

attacking you. I'll rephrase the question, all right? It's not necessary.

bothers you that much, I'll rephrase the question. Fine, rephrase the question.

All right, I will.

Ralph, what was wrong with his eye?

You didn't say.

No, Kirk, what did you do once?

I once gave a girlfriend of mine a kidney.

Wouldn't she have preferred a bunch of flowers?

Found one!

Is it over there, dear?

Kirk. The name's Kirk.

All right, everyone, with all the confusion, I'm afraid we've lost some

time, so let's get started right away.

The purpose of the one -to -one...

is to offer the many divorced and separated people in this area a chance

company, counselling and support.

All right, dear?

Now, at first, you may feel a little shy or, um, stupid about

discussing your private lives in public, so to show you how easy it is, I'll get

the ball rolling myself.

which involved a Polaroid camera, spike -heeled boots, and a bullwhip. And

during the day, I'm a beauty consultant.

So there you are, you see? Easy. Now then, any questions?

Uh, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, um, what broke up your marriage?

I just explained that.

Well, I missed something.

Her husband had these very odd desires.

He told me that.

I was divorced six months ago.

I was... We were married for ten years.

What made you leave her?

Well, actually, she left me, Kirk.

She left me for a man that I considered to be my best friend.

Why? Well, we used to go to basketball games together and hang out and have a

few beers.

Oh, of course. Oh, you mean, why did she leave me? Did I phrase that right? No,

no, it was perfect.

Well, actually, I... I really don't know why.

See, I teach at this private school in Manhattan, and this old college friend

mine, Mike Roberts, was transferred there.

Well, I figured he was a stranger in town, so I invited him home for dinner,

he started having an affair with my wife.

And you didn't know anything about it? I thought we were very happy.

Until her lawyer had me thrown out of my own house.

Mike moved right in.

They're living there right now, together.

Any, um, sexual problems?

I don't know. I never asked them.

What do you mean? Between me and my wife?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no.

No, well, I mean, I'm over all that now. I mean, that's in the past. I mean,

that's history. Good, good. That's what I like to hear. Anyone else? Can you

imagine? how deceitful that guy was, huh?

A man who considered himself to be my best friend eats at my own table and

shacks up with my wife.

There's a tribe in New Guinea thinks it's polite to allow their dinner guests

sleep with their wives.

Well, that must be a tribe of complete idiots.

Besides, we lived in New Rochelle.

Are you still in touch with your wife?

Only by check.

into your personal life.

Were there any sexual...

We'll just as soon not talk about that. Oh, come

on, Red.

We could all use a good laugh here. Come on, tell us about your sex life.

I would, Kirk, but then I'm afraid you'd tell us about yours.

What is it with this babe? She's so anti -me. You call me babe? again, and I

will personally remove your other kidney.

Ooh, I would like that. You just gotta promise you're gonna do it slow.

All right.

All right.

Remember, we're here to support and encourage.

Ralph!

Are you divorced?

I'm separated.

How long were you two together before the breakup?

Oh, let me see. It was, uh, four...

No, no, more like five hours.

Five hours?

Yeah, she left me during the wedding reception.

Something that you said, Ruffy?

No, I doubt it, Kirk. She doesn't understand a word of English.

She's Bulgarian.

She was about to be deported.

And then she met me and fell in love.

And we got married.

It was kismet.

You know what I think, Ralphie?

I think this broad married you so she could stay in the country.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Yeah, well, it's the kind of guy I am.

Anyway, why put yourself in a dumper over some ugly commie chick?

No, I said she was plain.

Yeah, plain ugly.

I... I... I love her.

We could have been happy.

Were there any... sex?

There wasn't any time to find out.

You mean the marriage was never consummated? No.

wedding reception in the hall just off the chapel.

Ralphie, Ralphie, couldn't you find somewhere private? You know, like a

A closet?

Yeah. Chances are, all his wife wanted was a good man.

She had a good man.

Oh. You.

Oh.

A good man would have found a closet.

All right, Mr.

Macho. If you're such a good man, why did your wife leave you?

She was probably claustrophobic.

All right, I'll tell you.

It was because of insane jealousy.

What were you jealous about?

Put a zipper on it, okay, Ralph?

wife left me uh no ralph ralph are you saying that that before you were married

that you and uh bloom like bloom like that you and bloom like her never

made love do you mind if we talk this way no of course not

what are you getting this broad's been around the block more times in the ice

cream truck

to resolve this with Ralph.

No, we can pick it up next week. Ralph, do you feel better for having talked

about it?

No. Good.

Well, let's get our things together, shall we?

My husband used to dress like a gladiator and make me pull his chariot.

So, um, you coming back next week?

Uh, I'm not sure, really.

Oh, yeah, me neither.

If I've got nothing else to do.

Yeah, I don't mean to kill us a few hours.

Good night, Kate. Good night, John. Good night.

Um, are you coming back next week? Oh, yes, definitely.

I thought you didn't like it. I didn't.

Be good.

All right. Oh, I meant to ask you guys. Did you guys read about me yesterday?

I plunged you into a burning building and saved an old lady's life?

No. Oh, good, because I used those press boys to keep my name out of it.

Are you coming back next week, Kirk?

Next week? Next week?

I'm in the Caribbean next week, I think. But if I'm not, I'll be here.

See you next week, then. You bet.

Ruff, you got a car?

No, motorcycle.

Hey, that's cool.

All right.

See you, Ray.

Bye.

I guess I'll see you next week.

Uh, maybe.

Yeah.

Maybe.

The deal when he faces a midget lawyer. And Monday night in a special hour, Al's

adventures in a hospital teach him the true meaning of Christmas.

Then, a doctor who didn't just make a difference, he made a miracle. A world

premiere movie, Miracle at Beekman's Place, Monday.