Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, before Kickstarter,

the best way to raise money for charity was telethons.

These marathon sessions of entertainment had it all.

From top-tier talent to tuxedoed hosts.

So when Erica's friend Ren decided she wanted to raise money for Earth Day,

she knew exactly how. Bandit. Dance, Bandit!

This dog ballerina is transcendent!

My mom still can't get Rugby to pee outside. (DOG BARKS)

Damn. How long can she stand up on her paws like that?

Well, considering I have to fill

another 36 hours of this telethon, I'm hoping 19 hours.

And they're done. So, what's next?

I don't know, Geoff.

Do you have any special talent besides asking stupid questions?

Well, I guess I'm easily hurt by insults.

So that's a no. Thank you for your help.

Wow. Ren seems pretty stressed about the whole Earth Day thing.

She shouldn't be. 'Cause Barry's here, and the environment is clear!

That literally makes no sense.

Plus, it's well-established that you are no friend of this planet.

I saw you huck a Mountain Dew bottle into the woods.

Which then became a beaver's tool or weapon!

Are you on the beaver's side or not?

Who's the beaver's enemy?

Chipmunks. Wolves. Coyotes.

Foxes. Gators. Bigger beavers.

Just tell me why you're doing this.

To win Ren's heart.

And all the other good parts.

Ugh! How many times do I have to say this?

Just stay away from my friends!

Tell them to stay away from me!

She kissed me twice! On spring break!

That is the one time a year that you are allowed to make horrible mistakes

because of heatstroke and slushy rum drinks.

We connected.

Then our lips connected!

We're obviously meant to be.

Have you guys even spoken since those kisses?

Not with words, but with fleeting looks and playful smiles.

So no. Amazing news!

I got Ed Begley Jr.

Dr. Victor Ehrlich from the NBC medical drama St. Elsewhere?

I guess. He's also a well-known environmentalist and oddball.

He's bringing his recumbent bike!

Big deal. I can do a wheelie on a ten-speed.

Okay, I've locked down another hour,

and I've only got 30 more to go.

Seems like a lot. So much. I'm in real trouble.

But Ed Begley Jr.!

Am I crazy, or do good things happen when we're together?

Let's celebrate with a soulful, lingering hug.

Or a platonic group one. Yes!

My family did one every morning before school

to kick-start my day. Ah!

What? I got to go.

No, this warm body wasn't meant for you!

Get off me!

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless, I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM: It was April 22nd, 1980-something,

and my dad and Bill were enjoying

the two things they loved most...

Sports and chicken.

Another chicken wing, Bill?

(SIGHS) Mur, I am stuffed to the gills.

But I can't say no.

Eating from a helmet is just too fun.

Yeah, it is. It's almost like you're in the game.

What game?

All you two do is sit around

and get ranch dressing inside the remote.

Spicy drumstick?

Have you guys ever had a real conversation?

You're supposed to be best friends.

Best friends who don't yakety-yak

and try and get below the surface.

Spicy drumstick? Fine.

* Double good Doublemint gum *

(CHUCKLES) Get a load of these two lovebirds.

One stick of chewing gum,

and they're out on a lake and having fun.

Twins creep me out.

It's not what God intended,

but it's nice that they found each other.

Heck, I'm thinking it might be time

for me to find someone myself. (WHOOSH)

Bill, did I hear you right?

Are you really ready to be set up?

Where did you come from?

I didn't even know you were in the house.

I suppose it might be time to jump back on the old horse.

As long as the horse is a lady and not too broken-down.

Ohh, this is the best news!

Oh, you're finally over your wife,

and your heart is open to love.

Sure, it's that.

And recently, my appendix broke

and I couldn't find anyone to take me to the hospital

for three days.

You know you can call.

I don't like to bother.

Your remarkable tale of survival

is gonna have a happy ending

because Beverly Goldberg is on the case,

and my Yenta-dex is ready to find you love.

Let's do it.

It's time for Bill to flex his love muscle.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was unnecessarily visual.

ADULT ADAM: And so my mom went to work.

Great news, Bill.

Female loneliness is at an all-time high.

Oh, (BLEEP) no.

It was Jane Bales...

The only Yenta in town Yenta enough

to go toe-to-toe with my Yenta mom.

Hello, Beverly.

Bill, please tell me you're not so desperate

for human companionship

that you'd hitch your cart to this old pack mule.

We're not romantically entwined.

Jane's here to help set me up, too.

What's that, now? Word travels fast

when you harass every available lady in Montgomery County.

I figured the more Yentas, the merrier.

You figured wrong.

Jane couldn't set up mac with cheese.

I put cornflakes and lobster in mine,

and it'll make your tongue cry.

Ever set up a rabbi with a geisha?

I have. Twice.

Once, I set up a man in a wheelchair

with the woman who ran him down.

I was once attacked by a mountain man on a hike who spoke only in grunts.

After I got to safety,

I set him up with a patent attorney from Boston.

That's how good I am.

Maybe work together? Opposite!

We are gonna go toe-to-toe

in a no-holds-barred Yenta cage match.

Winner take all!

A classic Yenta-Off. I'm in.

I just wanted someone to eat a meal with, but okay.

Let's do this thing where you go to lady war.

As my mom and Jane were matchmaking,

Barry was trying to forge a match of his own.

It's super simple. All you have to do is take down their name,

info, and how much they'd like to pledge.

And don't forget the "please" and "thank you."

Also, I like to add a little "whoo-whoo-whoo!"

if they pledge more than $50.

(TELEPHONE RINGS) I got this.

Go for Barry.

Yes, this is Earth Day Headquarters.

Who's this? Myron? (CHUCKLES)

That's a brutal name. Do your parents hate you?

Also, please and thank you.

(DIAL TONE) Hello?

Yeah, Bar, I think you might be suited for a more important role

in the Earth Day celebration...

As a producer.

I like the sound of that! It's so vague and powerful.

So, I need you to produce some sweat towels

for our ventriloquist on a unicycle. Thanks so much.

Damn it! How do I get Ren's attention?

You don't, 'cause she's super busy.

I know. She's running this whole thing. We're both alphas.

We have everything in common.

So just stop trying so hard and just be the great guy we all know and love.

Matt Bradley? You!

Right. That was my plan,

but Ren is so caught up in saving the stupid planet.

What about things that matter... Me?

Well, if you want to win Ren's heart,

then just bring her a cheesesteak from Geno's. It's her favorite.

That's so much easier than telling her nice things

or asking her about herself.

I am so proud of you. That was very mature and...

(GASPS) Oh, no! You have an evil smile 'cause Ren's a vegetarian!

One whiff of that greasy meat pile

and she will never want to talk to Barry ever again.

I will find someone to scratch your itch.

Just get onstage. Thanks.

But he made a commitment!

(RECEIVER CLACKS) Damn it!

Good news? Ed Begley Jr. is not coming!

His corn-powered three-wheeled car broke down.

I think I have just the thing to turn that frown upside down.

What is that? It's sliced beef smothered in cheese and onions,

all tucked sloppily in a meat-juice drenched bun.

Oh, that is absolutely vile. Please get that away from me.

But I had them top it with some pig cracklin's for crunch.

I... That needs to get out of here.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry looked for a way in with Ren,

my mom had a plan to get Bill out on the town.

All right. Take me to your lady garden so I can pluck a flower.

Bad start. I-I just want to meet a gal.

And meet a gal you shall.

I have over 300 beautiful bachelorettes for your perusing.

300 women? That's more than I've met in my whole life.

But don't mistake quantity for quality.

Lucky for you, I am here to turn Beverly's misses

into your missus. (LAUGHS)

Oof!

Please give a warm welcome to Janice Crowley.

What a beautiful name! She's my number-one gal.

And is that a witch's wart?

That is a mole, and we're keeping an eye on it.

How could you not? It's smack-dab in the middle of her nose.

But beggars can't be choosers. Where does she live?

Bill, there is no need to settle on this hag from Beverly's coven.

(CLEARS THROAT) Bachelorette number two.

Get ready to pop the question to Jenkintown's newest retiree,

Gladys Finklebaum.

Kinda looks like my mom, but hey, I'm down to clown.

The question I'd like to pop is, how old is that biddy?

Okay, fine. How about someone who's brimming with life?

Welcome Tiffany D'Amber.

Whoa! She's quite youthful.

Maybe too youthful. Is that a jump rope in her hands?

You seem off your game, Beverly.

There's just not a lot of gold out there at the moment.

And yet there is.

I brought just one candidate, the perfect one.

Sweet Snow White, she's pretty as a princess!

Dolores is even better than a Disney princess... She's real.

That's my number-one criteria.

There's gotta be something wrong with her.

What is she, uh, splotchy? Blotchy?

Rashy? Acne-d? Stinky? No pinkies?

None of those are deal breakers!

She's normal and sweet and kind and right outside that door.

She's been waiting outside this whole time?

That's how confident I am.

Va-va-va-voom! It's the woman from the picture!

Hi, Bill. I'm Dolores.

Hi, Bill. I'm also Dolores. Oh!

I'm as nervous as a June bride.

Would you like to grab some coffee or a lifetime of memories?

Coffee sounds fun.

Nice work, Jane!

(LAUGHS) Dolores! (DOLORES LAUGHS)

How could you bring that woman into my home,

where my children sleep?

You're just upset 'cause now it's clear who the best Yenta is.

Oh, please. They have zero chemistry.

Oh, they're making out on your lawn.

Damn it! I got to hit the sprinklers.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom struck out finding Bill love,

Barry was still determined to get up to bat with Ren.

Hey!

Pops, it's a romantic emergency.

I need to wow a gal.

It's easy... Chocolates and daffodils.

Wrong. Adam, I've seen the girls you drag home.

They're all better than you. I'm not that bad.

You're garbage, and they're nines.

Tell me your sorcerer's spell.

I guess I listen...

Shut up! I can't bear to hear you drone on.

Pops, I'm back to you.

No, you're being a putz.

Adam, I'm tagging you back in.

Just find something Ren likes and do that.

As boring as that sounds, that might work.

She needs a celebrity for her charity telethon.

So get her a celebrity.

You'll be a hero, and she'll shower you with kisses.

I like this shower-kiss plan.

Finally, your tired brain kicked in.

But what celebrity can I score on such short notice?

But I heard John Oates of R&B super duo Daryl Hall & John Oates

went to our dentist once.

It's decided! Adam will pretend to need a checkup,

break into the files,

retrieve Oates' personal details,

bring 'em to me, I'll cold-call him

and convince him with my insurmountable charm

to play for whatever charity this is for.

It's Earth Day. And why can't you go?

I was just there two years ago... Too suspicious.

Move it! Fine!

I'd rather be at the dentist than here.

(TELEPHONE DIALING) So here I go, I guess.

Ren? Yep, I just locked down Daryl Hall & John Oates for your telethon.

REN: What? Barry,

this is a terrible plan.

That's right! Barry did it!

I'll have 'em there tonight.

Oh, my God!

That's too soon for something that'll never happen.

Sure, make yourself feel better.

Daffodils? I feel sad for you.

ADULT ADAM: Barry's surefire way to secure Daryl Hall & John Oates

was to send me to the dentist. Only one problem.

I had seven cavities, man!

No one cares about your tragic dental hygiene.

Did you get Oates' number?

I was sitting in that chair for three hours fighting for my life.

So stop drinking juice.

Oates me! I did get something.

(GASPS) The world-famous lips that wrote Maneater

are in my hands! I guess.

How'd you score these luscious choppers?

My brain was flying so high on nitrous

that I lost all fear or sense of morality.

Been there. Go on.

Then I slipped on a Highlights magazine,

crashed into a poster about flossing,

but I swiped it.

And look! There's a phone number!

I did it! I found Oates!

(TELEPHONE DIALING) I did undergo major oral surgery

and commit a misdemeanor,

but sure, you looked at something in your hand.

Yes, I'd like to ask John Oates to be on a telethon.

What? A lab in Arizona?

Pssh! (RECEIVER CLACKS)

Yeah, we're not getting John Oates. Great!

I had a man's hand in my mouth for hours, all for nothing.

That man's hand inside of you meant everything!

So there's only one logical thing to do.

More carrots, less Reese's Pieces?

You and I must become Daryl Hall & John Oates.

Ooh, fun! And... What?

I'll be Hall. You'll be Oates.

And we'll nail our performance with such utter perfection,

no one will be able to distinguish us from the real thing.

I'm still a little fuzzy from the gas, but that seems right.

As Barry and I transformed into music legends,

my dad was wondering where his bandmate was.

Ah, the Phillies suck! Where's Bill?

I need him to boo our favorite team together.

Please.

Bill's probably waking up in a bathtub full of ice

because Jane Bales' match has taken his spleen, liver, and nipple.

No one steals a nipple.

You don't know!

Those sensitive little buttons

are in big demand on the black market.

They put 'em in soups.

I guess I asked. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, hey, hey! Beverly Goldberg!

There's my walking ray of sunshine!

I suppose I do brighten any room I'm in.

And my Mur-man.

Looks like this big bowl of ice cream could use a cherry on top.

Whoop!

Mwah! Oh!

Ugh! Get off! What's that smell?

Dial soap. It's the fragrance of bath time.

And you're wearing a sweater.

It's something called Merino wool.

It's not the best, but it's not the worst.

So, y-you're happy?

Dolores is fun. She's interesting. She does stuff.

We went on a walk!

If you like walks so much, sit down.

Steve Carlton's about to give up another one.

No can do, my friend.

Dolores and I are going to dinner at a restaurant.

You should come and see how great she is for yourself.

We'll be there.

I'm gonna test her and see if she really is a good match

or just another Jane Bales dud.

Seems like you should just be happy for me, but okay!

Ha-ha!

I'm gonna expose Dolores for the fraud she is. (DOOR CLOSES)

And Jane Bales will be banned from Yenta-ing forever.

Which one's Jane Bales, again?

ADULT ADAM: And so my mom set out to do what she did best...

Systematically destroy a budding relationship.

So, what's everybody drinking?

Hm, Dolores?

Just six glasses of wine because of your problem?

Oh, I'm kind of a lightweight.

(CHUCKLES) I'll just have a beer.

Me too. Good call!

(CHUCKLES) We're still not sure about you.

I have no opinion.

Oh, Dolores, I see you looking at

the expensive side of the menu, huh? You like nice things?

Guilty as charged! (LAUGHS)

Aha! You're gonna bleed Bill's already meager life savings dry.

Oh, well, actually, I make more money than Bill.

She knows fancy finance words

like "dividend" and "checking account."

And you'll always feel inferior because of it.

Nuh-unh! I'm ready for my full-time job to be foot rubber.

Well, I'm hiring!

Yeah, well, keep your hands off her dogs while I'm eating my soup.

Beverly, I didn't know when to bring this up,

but I am a huge fan of your cookbook.

You are?

Would you mind signing mine for me?

Here? Now?

I have my own smudge-proof pen!

And please don't tell me

that you bedazzled that gorgeous sweater yourself.

I did bedazzle this beauty myself.

How are you so amazing and friends with Jane Bales?

Jane and I aren't really friends.

Between you and me, she's a strong cup of coffee.

She is a piece of (BLEEP).

(LAUGHS)

Bill, we are so lucky we found Dolores!

Aww!

ADULT ADAM: As my mom warmed up to Dolores,

my brother and I were comin' in hot.

Sorry I'm late.

I got sidetracked hugging some trees outside.

I cannot thank you enough.

So, where are they?

They're preparing all their hits.

You can announce them in five.

(SQUEALS, LAUGHS) You're the best.

Without knowing any facts, what incredibly stupid thing did you do?

He promised her that Daryl Hall & John Oates would perform,

but instead, we are. What?

I'm gonna go try and get ready,

even though there's no way.

Barry, please don't do this.

I see what this is!

You're cheesesteaking me!

You're telling me to do the opposite

of what will make Ren happy

'cause you don't want us to be together.

I promise I am not cheesesteaking you.

I'm trying to protect you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure

to welcome Philadelphia's very own Daryl Hall & John Oates!

See you at our wedding!

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, we thought of everything.

Except for the part where we both dressed as the same rock star.

You're supposed to be Oates, dummy!

I am Oates! You're supposed to be Hall!

This is what Hall looks like!

* Oh-oh, here she comes

Dude, Hall's the tall blond!

Oates is the mustachioed one!

* Oh-oh, here she comes

You need to sing the Hall parts!

I just know the backing vocals!

* Oh-oh, here she comes

What are we gonna do?

I guess you sing the part you know.

* Oh-oh, here she comes

* She's a m... *

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS)

What the hell, Barry?

I'm sorry. Let us do Rich Girl!

No! I don't want you to do anything ever again.

Just leave.

Oh, no. I warned you.

This is all your fault!

Me? How am I to blame for this?

If you were honest with me in the first place,

I would've listened to you now! Thanks for nothing.

(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)

And why did you agree to this?

Honestly, the last thing I remember

is a dental assistant asking me

if I had someone to drive me home.

ADULT ADAM: As we flamed out, Jane Bales was burning mad at my mom.

Beverly Goldberg! How could you?

You can't prove it, and I'll deny it to my grave!

Also, what is this about?

Dolores broke up with Bill.

She said she thought we weren't a good fit.

But she's the ham to my pocket filled with ham.

Which means you clearly did something to sabotage them.

I mean, I went to dinner with the intention of doing something,

but then I liked her.

You just couldn't handle that I found Bill love and not you.

I still remember the last place we kissed.

Mouths.

Why, Beverly? Why do you hate love?

I didn't do this!

Who would do this if it wasn't you?

It was me, okay?

Murray? What did you do to that woman?

I just told her that Bill was so crushed after his wife left

that he wasn't ready for another relationship.

Why?

It was just all happening too fast.

I saw you all these years destroyed by love,

and I didn't want to see it happen again.

But Dolores makes me happy.

I was just looking out for you, buddy.

If you were really my buddy,

you wouldn't have sucker-punched my heart.

Bill... No!

Murray, maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone.

(SIGHING) I knew I didn't need to get my doorbell fixed.

ADULT ADAM: Barry's attempt to wow Ren didn't exactly go as planned.

I can't believe we both dressed up like Daryl Hall.

Oates! We're both Oates! How are you still not getting that?

I guess I just screw up everything.

Stupid mustache.

Oww! Ohh!

Just take it off like this.

On, off.

On, off.

Oates, Hall.

Oates, Hall.

Mine doesn't do that.

What kind of adhesive did you use?

The stuff Dad seals the tub with.

That's not meant for the human face!

This bagel duster's gonna be on forever!

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah, I'll let you guys talk.

How's it going?

(SIGHS) Not so great.

I embarrassed myself in front of a girl I like,

but even worse, I let her down.

Why'd you lie about Daryl Hall & John Oates?

I thought I could get them.

And I tried, but I-I only ended up with their teeth.

(SIGHS) I feel like there's more there,

but I'm just not gonna ask.

I'm sorry I ruined your telethon.

Here's the thing, you didn't.

Everyone thought it was some goofy comedy act

called Oates & Oates, so we got a ton of donations.

So I kinda helped?

You kinda did.

But next time, just talk to me.

I wanted to, but you were so busy,

and Erica convinced me you only kissed me on spring break because it was your vacation.

Well, she doesn't know everything.

You kinda like me, too?

(CHUCKLES) A guy that would go through all of this effort

to support something that's important to me...

What's not to like?

(DARYL HALL & JOHN OATES' KISS ON MY LIST PLAYS)

Wait. This isn't right.

Oh, no. 'Cause I'm not a viable romantic partner?

(CHUCKLES) No, dummy.

This!

Oww! Ohh! (LAUGHS)

* Because your kiss, your kiss is on my list

ADULT ADAM: The truth is, we all do crazy stuff for the people we care about,

even if it doesn't always work out.

I don't get it. I thought you wanted Bill to be happy.

I do.

I just didn't want to see him get hurt again.

Honestly, you not supporting your friend hurts more.

Well, that's not what I want.

Bill's the best.

He deserves all the good stuff.

Then tell him that.

Not talking to each other, it's kind of our thing.

Well, maybe it shouldn't be.

* Because your kiss, your kiss is on my list

Oh, it's you.

I was kinda hoping you were somebody else.

Here she is.

Hi, Bill.

My gummy bear's back!

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'll give you guys a minute.

Okay.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Listen, what I said about not wanting you to get hurt?

It's true. I meant it.

I appreciate that.

Here's the thing...

I don't have a lot of people in my life.

You're my friend.

My one friend.

Right back atcha.

We spend every Sunday watching TV at my house,

and the thought of that not happening...

That's a thought you don't need to have.

There's not a woman in the world

that can come between me and my best bud.

Really? Really.

Now bring it in.

Let old Bill get his arms around you.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, accepting what makes the people you love happy

can make us all happier in the end.

Hey, I'll grab you another slice.

You sure you're okay with this?

Yeah, I suppose.

I mean, you are two of my favorite people.

ADULT ADAM: 'Cause when we open our hearts,

we can all find new ways to grow... Together.

Enjoy your game. We're going shopping.

After all, sharing moments with people we love, both old and new...

That's one of the best things in life.

* When I turn out the lights *

Hi. I'm Wendi McLendon-Covey,

and I play Beverly Goldberg on The Goldbergs.

We have a character called Bill Lewis,

and I've got some questions for you.

What advice would you give someone

who's going to work for Beverly Goldberg?

Wear a set of earplugs. (LAUGHS)

Well, that's it.

The Earth Day telethon is over for another year.

You should be so proud of yourself.

I mean, you filled two straight days

with wall-to-wall entertainment.

I guess, but I still didn't get anyone famous.

Damn it!

I was so close to Daryl Hall & John Oates.

(STRUMMING GUITAR) * Whoa-oh, here she come *

What the hell, man? Are you mocking me?

Oh, no, I-I was just messing around.

I-I'm sorry. You should be.

But me and my buddy, we got this band,

and I thought maybe next year... Hard no.

But don't you guys got a bunch of hours to fill?

Hard no! Sweet 'stache, though.

Oh, well, thanks. It's, uh, kinda my thing.

(BELL DINGS)