Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,

you couldn't just book a vacation on the Internet.

Nope. The only way to get away was with the help of a pro...

A travel agent.

Excuse me, gentlemen, would you know where I can find

the party people on this campus?

Maybe the geology building?

Over at that dorm that looks like a motel?

JTP, get your act together.

We are the party people on campus.

I did just go to my niece's fourth B-day party,

so I guess it's technically true.

Shayna's four? Where does the time go?

Don't listen to them. We party. Hardy.

Well, I believe that you believe that.

So, gentlemen, strap yourselves in

for the spring break of a lifetime.

I'm talking about sun and fun and buns.

We're in!

Whether you mean bread or girls' butts.

You could make a good night out of both.

We respect women.

An epic spring break with my boys

is everything I want and deserve.

Bar, even if we wanted to, we can't afford a trip right now.

Guys. Check this out.

For the price of a hundred-gallon cup of coffee,

you can be frolicking on the white sandy beaches of Camaica.

Actual sand color may vary.

Camaica? Don't you mean Jamaica?

Do I? Do you?

I don't! I'm talking about sunny Camaica.

It's 70 miles east, and it's where Jamaica dumps its trash.

That description sounds terrible,

but these pictures let me know the opposite is true.

Right?

I guess with the stress of college,

I could use a real vacation.

Well, it sounds like you odd, anxious gents

could use some free promotional watches.

Check it. It doesn't even have numbers.

And there's no hands. It just says "Who cares?"

That's right. Because when you're in Camaica,

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) you're on island time, mon.

Nowhere to be but right here, right now, mon.

(NORMAL VOICE) That's not racist, is it? Eh...

And "paradise" is a word that means different things to different people,

much like the words "liar" or "pregnant."

Geoff, pack your bags!

We're going on spring break.

I'm in. Eh, just one sec.

Erica, do you want me to pack for you?

Geoff, I'm a grown woman.

And keep that in mind when you're choosing my beachwear.

No way!

This isn't a couples' trip.

This is spring break.

The most no-strings-attached,

Erica-free travel week of them all.

Yeah. Bringing your girlfriend to spring break

is like bringing sand to the beach.

Which I might recommend because the shoreline of Camaica

is covered in dead whales.

Dude, I wanna spring break, too.

I've got a bikini and $40 to bribe foreign cops with.

Damn it!

Now Erica's hot friend with no moral compass is coming.

Spring break is ruined.

So, Ren and I will split a room

and you guys can all bunk together,

so you can still have your boys' trip

and we can work on our tans.

Me and the guys I already live with

hanging out somewhere else?

Yes!

That "yes" is non-refundable.

Okay. White people dance!

(STEEL DRUMS PLAY)

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless, I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM: It was April 1st, 1980-something,

and I was about to find out what my college fortunes held.

Inside this envelope is my PSAT scores.

The warm-up test before the real test.

Oh! The stakes have never been higher.

That sounds wrong, but sure.

What's in this envelope could guarantee a full ride to an ivy

or shame you into a state school,

where your friends will be dentists, newspaper writers,

and, God forbid, teachers.

Man, this glue is tough. Do you have a letter opener?

Just give it to me. You're... I...

Just give it to me! (ENVELOPE TEARS)

Oh, here it is! Here it is!

On your verbal portion, you got in the 90th percentile!

That's really high!

(CHUCKLES) Okay, and on your math,

you got in the bottom 5th percentile.

That's really low. Is it?

I'm not really a numbers guy.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

Okay, I'm not gonna overreact,

but this is the worst disaster

that's ever happened to any family ever.

I walked across Europe as a child, but sure.

Hey, random topic switch... Um, isn't your meeting

with your guidance counselor coming up?

Yeah. Tomorrow. Great.

Why don't you show this to him and see what he says?

I will.

Thanks for being so supportive and understanding.

Of course, my perfect angel who can do no wrong.

Mm.

That beautiful dum-dum

needs to get his head screwed on straight.

So, what's your plan? You gonna ride him like a show pony

till he bends to your will?

Adam's graduating next year,

and I don't want to send him into the world upset with me.

I'm gonna be the good cop so he can be upset with other people.

That does make some sense.

And I'll come out of this still the number-one lady in his life,

now and forever.

That makes less sense.

ADULT ADAM: My mom knew Mr. Perott would confirm

that my test scores were trash, and she was right.

Adam, these scores are not so hot.

I thought nerds were good at math.

I'm more of a geek. Mm-hmm.

W-We're still social and physical klutzes

with quirky personalities,

but we have intense passions for fringe interests.

And what's a dweeb?

Look, it's a rich continuum of discomfort,

but what should I do about my test scores?

Adam, let me ask you something... Why NYU?

The film program. It's top notch.

Then you want to be a filmmaker? Well, then it's all good.

Oh, great.

I was starting to worry NYU wasn't an option.

That's a good instinct, because you'll never get in there.

But that's okay.

Listen, college isn't always a necessity

if you want to be a filmmaker.

I bet a lot of your film heroes

never even went to fancy film school.

Heck, Tony Scott had a worthless art degree,

and he made Top Gun.

There you go. Take the money you would've given to NYU

and go make a movie.

And put Bob Balaban in it. He's fantastic.

I dunno. What about Hector Elizondo?

No, they're both solid character actors

that deserve their own thing,

but I meant I don't know about skipping college.

You know what?

There's a Led Zeppelin song that applies to this moment.

Oh. Are you gonna play it?

Uh, no. I never learned it. I probably shouldn't have brought it up.

But hey, that's a lesson in itself, too, right?

Y-Y-Yes?

While Mr. Perott expanded my world view,

spring break had started,

and Barry and Erica's view was not great.

Excuse me?

Um, are we at the right hotel?

Moccasins: Camaica?

Welcome!

That smell is not the ocean! (CHUCKLES)

But it doesn't look like the pictures in the brochure.

Well, that's because those were architectural renderings,

which we ignored.

It's fine. Could you please just show us to our...

Oh, God! Is that a snake?

Probably. This hotel's named Moccasins

because of all the water moccasins.

I thought it was named for the comfy shoe?

Nope. Anyway, there is a complimentary machete in every room.

I'm gonna be sick. Come on, Erica.

It's... It's rustic and cute and damp

and something just dripped in my mouth!

(GAGS) No, I'm literally gonna be sick.

Oh, I told her not to have the shrimp cocktail on that discount airline!

All right, enough local color. Let's hit the pool.

No way, man. I've been on a schedule all semester.

I'm on island time now.

And according to my timepiece, it's relax o'clock.

Fine! I'll swim alone then.

Well, don't open your eyes or swallow.

We over-chlorinate on account of all the water lice.

I'm starting to think this hastily planned

discount vacation to a trash island

is not gonna be the spring break of my dreams.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry faced a tough break,

I had to give my mom the tough news.

Mom, I spoke to my guidance counselor,

and he told me I can't get into NYU with those scores.

Oh, my! That is shocking and disappointing and not coming from me.

So, I've decided I'm not going to college.

Say what now? Yeah, Mr. Perott said I don't need it.

Did he, though? (CHUCKLES) That rascal.

Yeah, that wasn't gonna work for my mom,

so she found the perfect person to do the work for her.

Hey! Why'd you turn off Tootie?

She was about to give Mrs. Garrett the what for.

Adam, I completely stand by your decision not to go to college.

What? Mom!

Oh, no. Did I let that slip?

What's she talking about, moron?

My guidance counselor told me to be inspired by life.

That's it. I'm going down and talking to him.

Murray, no! Come on! Move!

Let's respect Adam's choice.

Dad! MURRAY: Moron!

I tried to stop him.

Keys. (GRUNTS)

(DOOR CLOSES) Mom!

If only there was something I could do.

Name? Perott.

Third door on the left, main hallway.

(GRUNTS) No.

(DOOR CLOSES) Ooh, my hands are tied.

ADULT ADAM: So, easily stepping into the shoes of bad cop,

my dad went to school and laid down the law.

That day, my father explained all the reasons why college

was the only thing that mattered to him in life.

And in conclusion... Moron!

Okay, I get it. You're angry.

I didn't work my whole life so my son wouldn't go to college.

Mr. Goldberg, what did you work your whole life for, huh?

When was the last time you saw a sunset

or drank fresh rainwater from the sky,

or went to Portugal, huh?

Portugal? Who the hell's got time for Portugal?

Look, Mr. Goldberg, I did not tell your son not to go to college.

I just told him he had options,

and maybe it would do him good to see the world.

He can do that later.

When? Have you done that?

Or have you been, uh, as you put it,

"Working your whole life"?

So?

Why have we never been to Portugal?

Who gives a crap about Portugal?

How'd it go with Adam's guidance counselor?

I think Adam's gonna spend about a year figuring it out.

What?

No, you were supposed to be the bad cop!

You know, I've never been barefoot on anything but tile.

Tile, Bevy!

It's no way to live!

ADULT ADAM: While my mom's bad cop let her down,

my brother was making the most of his bad vacation.

Hey! Ready to hit the club?

Drinking age is 10, but they don't card.

Yeah, as fun and alarming as that sounds,

I-I gotta stay with Erica.

Damn it, Schwartz!

I knew you'd bail on our boys' trip.

All you wanna do is party with my sister.

Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call it a party.

Oh, everything inside me's coming out of my face!

Okay, just try to make it to the bathroom, sweetie!

Oh, my God. What am I looking at?

Yeah, it's not great. I need towels, I need Gatorade,

and I need a doctor who doesn't also work the omelet station!

On it, my dove!

(VOMITS) I'm sorry, Bar.

When she's at her weakest, I have to be my strongest.

Shut the door!

Well, spring break is a disaster.

Dude, I didn't come to the murky shores of Camaica to give up.

Let's get some lobster. Lobster?

But our "College Saver Brass Package"

said the only restaurants we have access to

is the vending machines.

Just follow my lead.

Hi.

You're probably expecting us for dinner.

We're on our honeymoon.

Are you the Fergusons?

What? No. That's not right. (LAUGHS)

What? Honey.

Yes, of course it is.

He's still getting used to me taking his name. (CHUCKLES)

Well, you're a day early, but welcome.

Hmm.

Congratulations, lovebirds.

Your complimentary lobster is on the way.

Complimentary? Of course.

You have the honeymoon all-inclusive package.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, thanks to Ren,

Barry's spring break was about to turn around.

There was the fancy dinner and the fancier dessert,

even fancy table-side entertainment.

Sure, it wasn't the night Barry imagined, but it was epic.

And then after years...

Mm. Years. ...of hinting and waiting

and that terrible fight with my mom...

Mm. We don't talk about that. (CHUCKLES)

...he finally popped the question.

You know, we really have to get together

when we're back on the mainland.

Absolutely, Jen!

Me and the wife would love to have you and Tom over

to discuss politics or lawnmowers

or other boring married stuff. (CHUCKLES)

Let me get a picture of the two of you

for my good old scrapbook.

Say "cheese"!

Chee...

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, Barry's trip went from a bust

to the best ever.

Spring break! Whoo!

ADULT ADAM: After his kiss with Ren, Barry needed guidance

from the closest thing he knew to a married couple.

Oh, babe, Barry's here to check on you.

Oh, I feel a lot better, actually.

I don't care. Healthy, sick, basically dead.

I need advice.

And so, my brother told them all about his fake honeymoon

with Ren, ending with the magical smooch.

(GAGS)

Oh, hon, I thought you weren't nauseous anymore.

(GAGS) I wasn't, but the thought of Barry kissing

another one of my friends?

What can I say?

Ladies love my semi-symmetrical face and curves for days.

Is it possible Ren kissed you to keep up the ruse of your fake marriage?

Yes. That is the only logical conclusion.

It was real. She winked at me afterwards.

It was like she was saying, "Yeah, boy.

"I'm all about those lips." (GAGS)

Or maybe that wink meant "We fooled them."

Impossible. For one incredible moment,

time magically stopped and our mouths danced as one.

(VOMITS)

So, I've been thinking.

After high school, I won't go straight to L.A.

I'll bum around Europe a bit.

You know, not all who wander are lost.

I love everything about this new hobo plan for your future.

Well, I don't wanna be late for school.

Although, who cares?

I'm not trying to go to college, right?

(LAUGHS)

You slay me, Schmoo. (LAUGHS)

Have a great day not trying.

Oh (BLEEP) everything!

So, what's new?

What's new is that I need a real college counselor,

one with balls.

Oh, y-you mean someone who can put the fear of God into Adam?

Better. Someone I can put the fear of God in

to put the fear of God into Adam.

ADULT ADAM: And that meant tracking down Mr. Glascott,

my old guidance counselor,

who was more than a little afraid of Beverly Goldberg.

(WHISTLING) BEVERLY: (EERILY) Glascott.

Glascott.

Glascott.

Come out and play-ay.

Ah! Come on!

Glascott.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SCREAMS)

Ah! Please be gentle! I'm a father to a parent!

I need you to be Adam's guidance counselor again.

No, I did everything to get away from you.

I switched my roster from A through M

to N through Z, despite the fact that I was on the verge

of some real breakthroughs with a couple of the D's.

Of course, it would be a shame if the cruel, judgmental teens

of William Penn found out about this.

(GASPS) Oh, no.

You discovered my Prince tribute cabaret show.

So moving. Even doves would cry.

But that's not for the general public.

It's for friends and family

and industry if they're interested.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom was attempting to control my life,

the JTP had lost control of their sense of time.

Evening, my good man. Can you tell us where the party's at?

We're ready to spring break!

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Well, it's 9:00 a.m., so you can enjoy our Tuesday brunch buffet.

Tuesday?

Did we just sleep for 36 hours straight?

Oh, no!

Island time has robbed us of real-world time.

Damn you, island time!

Finally, a robbery I'm allowed to ignore.

(CHUCKLES) Anyway,

Mr. Ferguson, I see that you've already enjoyed

all of your honeymoon perks.

That's not possible.

Come on. Let's figure this out.

Ahh. There's my better half.

I had an amazing time last night, Mrs. Me.

(CHUCKLES) Dude, nobody's around.

You don't have to act like that.

Oh, and I asked around at the pool,

and everybody says that Senor Snake

is the best club to hook up.

Hook up? As in search out other people we would kiss

that wouldn't be each other?

That's a long road, but yeah.

Whoa. You look kinda sick.

Are you sure you don't have what Erica has?

I've never felt better.

Sure, we spent all night talking and connecting

so I'll know exactly what kind of strangers you'll want to kiss.

Let's club.

ADULT ADAM: And so they clubbed.

Deep down, Barry couldn't have fun.

He hated watching his fake wife flirt.

All right! How low can you go?

(SIGHS) I don't think I can go any lower.

Except he did.

That night, Barry crushed the limbo contest.

(CHEERING)

We got ourselves a winner!

But he sure didn't feel like it.

I need to say something.

I came here to have the spring break of a lifetime,

to party with my boys and hook up with girls.

(CHEERING)

No! No!

Don't cheer that, because the sun, fun, and buns

are meaningless, fleeting distractions.

Barry, what's going on?

What's going on is I felt something when we kissed,

and I gotta know...

Did you feel something, too?

I'm sorry. I...

I was just...having fun.

Ooh!

She wasn't feeling it...

But I feel something.

Da, da, da beat!

(CHEERING) (ISLAND MUSIC PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: As Barry's spring break had gone off the rails,

my mom had scared Mr. Glascott into steering me back on track.

So, you see, Adam, most who wander are lost,

unless they wander into a PSAT prep course

and then onto the campus of NYU

for a life of parent-pleasing success.

I guess it does seem safer than backpacking across Europe.

Adam.

Hey, Mr. P. How's it going?

Well, I guess it's going to Mr. Glascott now.

I thought we had a rapport, then you requested a new counselor.

Wait, what?

Keep walking, Perott.

The boy is mine. Don't try to poach my ward.

I didn't poach your ward. You poached my ward, Glascott.

You guys call us "wards"?

Look into your heart.

Who would you rather be a ward to?

I just wanna make movies, man!

Then go make 'em, Adam.

The boy needs to attend college.

His she-devil mother demands it.

Wait, my mom was behind this?

Ah. Yes. Dang it.

And I dress up like Prince on the weekends.

The secret is out.

(CHUCKLES) She can't hurt me now.

Good for you.

Shut up.

ADULT ADAM: After all that talk of having my back,

my mom had actually been stabbing me in the back instead.

You switched my guidance counselor?

Only because he wasn't telling you what I wanted you to hear.

Oh, then why didn't you just tell me?

Instead, I got caught up in some kind of ward triangle.

I was just trying to be supportive.

No, you weren't.

You just wanted me to think you were supportive.

You were trying to control me.

Okay, fine. But you are making a huge mistake.

You won't have a good future if you don't go to college,

and you can't do that if you don't try to raise your score.

I did try, and I still blew it.

At least you supporting me made me feel

it wasn't the end of the world, but that was all a lie.

ADULT ADAM: After publicly pouring his heart out,

Barry's spring break couldn't get worse. Barry.

I don't want to be the reason that you don't eat breakfast.

Hey! There's the happy couple!

Yeah, we're not married. I can't pretend anymore.

Oh, no! Oh, don't give up yet.

No, he's saying we were never a couple.

Okay. Mr. Ferguson, why don't you tell me some of the things

that you love about Mrs. Ferguson?

But I don't... Come on.

What kind of a two-day sober buffet waitress would I be

if I let you two split up without trying to help?

Fine.

I guess I love how she can turn a bad situation

into the most fun I ever had,

and how she can turn strangers into lifelong friends,

and how when she kisses me,

wherever I am becomes paradise.

Well, if you think it's black mold, don't lick it.

That's them! Well, that can't be them.

Those are the Fergusons.

Uh, we need to split up.

Why? 'Cause it's over?

No. Because we're in trouble.

Move! Oh!

Oh, God, Mr. Fergus...

Morning, Schmoo. I made your favorite...

Waffles shaped like the Death Star.

Great.

Do you know how long it took me to make these?

Not long. They're just circles.

Bevy, I think you need to give the boy some space.

Me? We wouldn't be here if you'd just stayed the bad cop.

Well, right now, I think he needs two good cops.

All I want is for my son to get the best out of life.

We both do.

I chose to work and not see the world.

That was right for me.

Might not be right for him.

But college is everything to you.

And hopefully, it'll mean everything to him.

But he's got to find his own way there, and we gotta let him.

ADULT ADAM: My mom realized instead of pretending to be supportive,

she could actually try supporting me.

Why are you here?

Adam, I'm sorry.

If you want to take some time off, I support you.

You really mean that?

Yes.

Kinda.

Not even a little.

Boopie, you've been talking about film school

since you were in kindergarten.

But that was before I knew I didn't have what it takes to get in.

Of course you do.

You... You are so much more than a math score.

But that's all they care about.

Then we're gonna make them see what I see...

An amazing, creative kid who can do anything he sets his mind to.

Except divide fractions.

(SCOFFS) You're supposed to multiply them?

That makes no sense.

It doesn't. (CHUCKLES)

But you know what does?

Is we are gonna wow NYU so hard, they have to accept you.

ADULT ADAM: That day, I learned that even when it didn't seem like it,

my mom was supporting me every step of the way.

Because sometimes, people in your life can surprise you.

Looks like I'm in the seat next to you.

Oh.

I'll just do my word hunt and leave you be.

Cool. Cool, cool.

Sorry I made things weird.

Spring break is supposed to be fun, not a dumb couples' thing.

(CHUCKLES) Definitely don't wanna end up like them.

(SCOFFS) Totally.

They're so happy and gross.

Ugh. (CHUCKLES)

Look.

Those things that you said about me,

they were really nice.

Well, I meant it.

Every bit of it.

* How did I get here?

* Letting the days go by

* Let the water hold me down

It wasn't all pretend... Mr. Ferguson.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, Barry ended up getting

his epic spring break after all,

just not in the way he thought.

Spring break.

That's the thing.

When you open yourself up to new adventures,

the possibilities are endless.

Adam, this play's incredible.

You think this could make NYU ignore my math scores?

Listen, plenty of kids are good at math.

Not many can do this.

I think we got a real chance here, kid.

I never doubted it for a minute.

Oh, my baby's going to Yale!

NYU.

Well, we'll figure it out. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: In the end,

if you've got the right people supporting you on your journey,

you can handle any challenge life throws your way.

* Water flowing underground

* Into the blue again *

(BELL DINGS)

(BELL DINGS)

Wow. What a great turnout tonight.

The four of you. (CHUCKLES)

Have a good night, Chaka Khan. (LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS) You really had them in your pocket tonight, Johnny Boy.

(SMOOCHES) (ENGINE STARTS)

Good evening, John.

Sweet Sheena Easton!

I just popped by to say thank you for helping Adam.

You know, I have an office with a phone you can call.

What fun would that be?

Now, unlock your door

and let's figure out what we're gonna do next year.

Fine.

I'll move my wigs.