Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, there was one TV doctor

that stood out more than the rest...

Doogie Howser, MD.

He was a genius teenage physician

who operated on, and won... America's hearts.

And there was no bigger Doogie-head than my brother,

who realized his calling in life was to be a doctor, too.

Can we turn this off and make out now? Shh!

Doogie's changing how old, stuffy doctors look at medicine.

ADULT ADAM: Which is exactly what Barry wanted to do,

so he gave it a shot.

Doctoring! Oh, no! Why?!

Just checking your reflexes.

Patient lacks muscle response and also seems highly agitated.

Damn right I'm agitated!

You just hit my knee with a hammer!

(SNORING)

(GAGS)

Oh, God! What's happening?

Patient's throat seems red and inflamed,

especially that dangly part in the back.

Stay away from me!

Damn it! Come back and get the remote I just threw at you!

Aah! I just want to sleep, moron!

Patient appears to be emotionally unstable and also gassy.

What the hell's on your face?

Looks fancy and expensive. Who's buying you this crap?

There's my little Schmoopie Howser!

Look what I got you at the medical-supply store today.

Noice! Good to know at least someone around here supports my dream.

Shame on you, Murray, for not believing in your future-doctor son.

I just want to get some sleep!

Stop encouraging the moron!

No! That's my doctor recorder I talk into for some reason!

I just want to get the damn tape! Murray! That was expensive!

I just want to get the tape! Stop it! Get away! Stop it!

Okay, I've decided I'm either gonna be

a doctor for the Phillies or the president's personal brain surgeon.

Hey, guys. I heard the amazing news.

That my idea for Barry Goldberg appreciation day

has been approved by the school board?

I told you they said no.

I'm referring to how Lainey got accepted

into the Savannah College of Art and Design.

I think Mr. Glascott might be mistaken.

No, it's right here on official stationery.

How is this the first I'm hearing about this?

Well, I must have gotten in this very second. Yay!

No, this letter says you got in over a month ago.

That's impossible! Lainey would never hide something so big from me.

Yes, that would be a terrible betrayal

that would rock the very foundation of everything that you hold dear.

Read the room, dude. Roger that.

How could this happen? We had a plan.

You graduate and take a year off,

and then I graduate, and you follow me to the college of my choosing.

I never officially agreed to that.

Okay, fine. But you can't go to that school without me

and surround yourself with all those fashion boys.

Fashion boys? Yeah, they're all stylish and tan

and love dancing the night away with each other.

I really don't think you have to worry about fashion boys.

This changes everything between us.

I guess it was my dream and I just wanted to give it a shot.

Well, I don't want you to give up your dream.

Oh, baby. Idea!

I'll just go to the medical school

at the Savannah College of Art and Design!

I checked... They don't have a pre-med program.

Ugh! That school makes no sense!

Look, nothing's written in stone. I may not even go there.

But you got a full scholarship!

You'd be a fool not to attend!

Not now! Roger that.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) I love you. We'll talk about this later.

Sure. We'll figure it out.

Man, nothing... And I mean nothing survives long distance.

How is this helping? I get that a lot. Toodles!

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶

ADULT ADAM: It was March 15th, 1980-something,

and my dad was coming home from work

excited to see his favorite child...

I'm home! ...our dog, Lucky.

There she is! Oh, I love you.

I love you, I love you.

And as the favorite Goldberg child,

Lucky got a lot of privileges the rest of us didn't, like free snacks.

Soft pretzels... Nice.

Hey! I'm sorry. Are you an adorable pooch?

(LAUGHING) I don't think you are. Hands off.

She also got showered with love and kisses and whatever this is.

Come on! This is the way I talk!

I'm Lucky, the Goldberg mascot!

My dad taught her tricks, bought her outfits...

Even a fancy dog bed.

The rest of us... Not so much.

Okay, very important question...

On one hand, Florida has beaches,

but on the other hand, Georgia has peaches.

So it's beaches versus peaches. See my predicament?

What is this? Why are you talking to me?

For school. I'm trying to decide between Emory and Miami.

They both have awesome music programs.

Oh! I can actually help you with this. Neither.

You're telling me you'll pony up for a designer dog bed

but not your own daughter's future?

Yes. Oh, my god!

(WHINES) MURRAY: Ohh!

Doesn't she look like a handsome lady from the 1850s?

ERICA: Guess what, nerd.

The dog is definitely dad's favorite.

Oh, you saw Lucky's new waterbed, huh?

It's a waterbed? I don't even have one!

It's like he loves the dog more than his own kids.

I've tried to point it out to him like a hundred times, but he won't admit it.

Well, it's time I get him to.

ADULT ADAM: As my sister cooked up a plan,

Barry was searching for answers.

Pops, you've lived an impossibly long time.

Tell me an old-timey story that reassures me

a long-distance relationship can work.

Well, I once dated a Tunisian woman named Marwa.

We would swim in the warm waters

of the Mediterranean during the day

and become one on the beach at night.

So it can work. It did...

Until her father chased me around an open-air bazaar with a scimitar.

Why did I go down this incredibly long road with you for nothing?

I'll be honest with you, kiddo...

When I started that story, I didn't remember how it ended.

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

Lainey was supposed to be by my side my entire time in medical school.

See? That's the point of my story!

Love is unpredictable.

Don't try to salvage your stupid story.

I have to figure out how to be with the girl I love

and go to medical school at the same time!

ADULT ADAM: But then, there he was...

The man-boy that would give barry the answer!

Unless... No!

Don't look at the boy surgeon and get some farkakte idea.

Nice chat, Pops.

Mother, you relentlessly and unrealistically

support my dreams more than anyone, right?

Of course I do, pumpkin.

Not to overstate it, but I'd like to bottle you up and sell you at Bergdorf's.

That's why I need your help to make sure I become

a fully licensed and accredited doctor

before Lainey leaves for college.

Um, boopie? It takes years to become a doctor.

But Doogie's 16 and already does that thing when he yells "clear!"

Then shoots lightning into some dude's heart.

That sounds fun! But you're still just a boy in high school.

Step 1... Take my GED, graduate tomorrow.

What's next? Four years of pre-med at college.

I'll do it in six weeks. Done. Next. What else you got?

Actual medical school, which takes another four years.

I'll knock it out in a month.

Boom! Cutting out hearts and playing God.

But to be a cardiologist,

you need to do a residency at a hospital,

and that's at least another two years.

I'll do it in two days. Done!

Where are my golf clubs? Dr. Tasty's ready to save lives.

Honey, I love you,

but even I don't believe all that can happen before Lainey leaves.

This is so typical of you...

Never supporting anything I do!

Don't you say that! I support everything about you!

Except this. This is insane.

I know! This is hopeless!

So if I got to choose between being a regular-aged doctor

and being with Lainey, I choose her!

Stop. What are you saying?

If it's between saving millions with my doctoring

or saving one with my loving,

then I choose to let millions die.

But I was looking forward to letting my friends

ramble on about their boring sons,

and when they asked me about you,

I'd smugly say, "He's a doctor." Not anymore.

But I was gonna get personalized license plates that say "Doc's Mom"

And steal all your cream samples

and bother you on family vacations when I find a weird bump!

Not anymore. Honey?

Goodbye, tongue depressors.

I guess I ate all those popsicles for nothing.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry's plan for his future was losing steam,

Erica heated things up in the kitchen.

Yep, she used a single smoke alarm

(ALARM BEEPING) To prove that lucky was our dad's favorite.

(MUTTERING) Fire.

Fire!

Come here, Lucky. I gotcha.

I'll rescue you, my little princess!

ADULT ADAM: And so my dad proved her point... Insultingly quick.

I can't believe you, dude!

How could you save the dog over us?

It's a dog! She doesn't know from fire alarms! You do!

Just admit it... Lucky's your favorite child.

You're just upset 'cause I won't pay for some fancy out-of-state school.

No, I'm upset because you don't care.

If Lucky was going to college, you'd be a hysterical mess!

Don't be a moron. There's no such thing as dog college.

What would she even study? Frisbee catching?

Please, Lucky hates Frisbee.

Fine, tail chasing.

Lucky doesn't chase her tail!

Duh! That's why she'd take the class, to learn.

Okay! I'm sorry I introduced dog college as a concept!

My point is, I'm moving out,

and you haven't shown a shred of emotion about it.

Stop.

Well, I feel sorry for this dog,

because she's stuck in this crazy family!

Let me tell you something. This dog loves this house, loves me,

and isn't running off anywhere.

ADAM: (GASPS) Oh, no! ERICA: Stop!

Lucky! Come to Daddy!

ADULT ADAM: As our dog was taking off,

Barry's new career was on the runway.

People of this house!

Are you ready to witness the future of fashion?

What's with the getup, Barry?

I no longer respond to "Barry."

From now on, I am the fashion designer

known only as... Bare.

Stop it right now.

You're becoming a doctor, end of story!

Never! I am and forever will be a fashion boy.

And I must get my portfolio together for Savannah.

Bare has it all, shirts, shorts, pants,

also pants shorter than normal pants.

So... Shorts.

Damn it!

I'm ignoring that and moving on.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) I give you Bare...

formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.

I'm a model!

(SIGHS)

Next, we got Naked Rob.

BareStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.

It really breathes, bro.

For the tiny man who can live in a shoe,

we got Andy Cogan modeling the petite line.

Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!

And finally, we got Matthew Bradley

showing off our sportsedo.

He shoots and scores...

With the ladies.

Oww!

Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas.

You got to get involved now!

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(BLEEP) me.

ADULT ADAM: We'd been all over Jenkintown, and still no sign of Lucky.

Oh, damn it! She lost her collar! Now we'll never find her!

Balls! I'm freaking out!

This is your fault, Dad!

Who ties a dog to the lid of a garbage can?

She was only out there 'cause you staged a fake fire

and ruined perfectly good fish sticks!

None of this would have even happened

if you could just talk to each other like normal people!

I'm always willing to talk about my feelings,

unlike Closed Off Johnson over here.

You want feelings? I love that damn dog!

It never asks for anything, never gives me any lip,

and then when I come home, she runs right up to me!

Forgive me for not charging into your arms

as you shed your swampy pants

and head to your disgusting chair.

When you were a little girl, you used to run through the door

into my arms every time I came home,

and that was the best part of my day.

(VOICE BREAKING) And now that's gone too, and my heart is broken!

Oh, okay. Yikes.

But now you're leaving, and it's so painful, I can't stand it!

Please make him stop. I can't.

I used to have a dog that would sit by my side and not leave,

(SOFTLY) and now she's gone, too.

No! Don't cry-whisper!

(WHISPERING) The only thing that still loves me is gone.

I'm so lonely.

What have you done? What have I done?

(WEAKLY) I'm scared! I'm scared to be alone!

We need to find the dog!

Maybe she went in the dumpster for food scraps.

Is she in there?

Of course she's not! She's a foot high and doesn't have thumbs!

Aah!

ADULT ADAM: I may have hurt my hand,

but Lainey was in for a way more painful surprise.

Hello, Lainey Lewis. Aah!

Not a fan of seat belts, I see.

I was just getting situated.

We need to talk about your plans

to drag my boy to the Deep South to become a fashionista.

How is this on me?

I've always supported his dreams,

even when they've been highly questionable,

like when he wanted to be a yo-yo champion

or start a shelter for wayward lizards.

Look, I know you love Barry...

Not as much as me, but close.

And we share him now,

and both have to think about what's best for him.

I get it.

I really do want what's best for him,

even if what's best for him... Doesn't include me.

Then talk to him.

The future of Dr. Goldberg is in your hands.

Otherwise, he's Bare.

ADULT ADAM: After my mom made her point,

(CREAKING) she made a very dramatic exit.

Just got to squeeze... Aah!

Stupid tiny teenage car.

Meanwhile, my sister and I were hoping to end our drama and find Lucky.

I don't know what hurts worse,

my shattered heart or my broken hand.

Forget the fact your fingers look like mangled sausages.

We need to find Lucky so we don't have to

watch Dad cry-whisper over her ever again.

Yeah, I don't think it was about the dog.

He was crying over you. Don't you say that.

It's true. You're his Lucky.

You didn't think he cared about you leaving,

but he, like, loves you so hard that he's... He's broken.

He's a broken man!

I know!

He was so vulnerable and raw and real and devastated over me.

But this is what you wanted.

No. No way. It's too much.

We got to find Lucky so that Dad can put his walls back up

and close himself off forever.

Let's put up those fliers, and fast.

Move, move, move!

Stop, stop, stop!

ADULT ADAM: But as fate would have it, Lucky found us.

All we had to do was grab her.

Shh. No sudden movements.

She'll think we're playing and bolt if we try to grab her.

(WHINES)

I got this. Hey, Lucky, Lucky.

That's a good girl.

I got a doggie treat for...

Oh, balls! She's running!

Don't worry. I got this.

Ohh! My leg not good!

ADULT ADAM: Turns out finding Lucky was a painful experience.

Meanwhile, Lainey had some hurt in store for Barry.

'Sup?

Oh, my God! What is on your body right now?

Oh, this?

Just my favorite Rangers jersey, sweats, hat, and scarf.

But they're the sworn enemy of the Broad Street Bullies.

That's like saying New York is a better city than Philadelphia.

Ooh. Honestly, it is.

Whoa, whoa. What are you saying?

I guess I hate Philly.

What? And cheesesteaks.

(GASPS) And Rocky Balboa.

No! I also hate rap and BMX biking

and Macho Man Randy Savage, as well as Jean-Claude Van Damme.

You must've hit your head. You're not thinking straight.

Speaking of stupid karate people,

I also hate Chuck Norris, and Bruce Lee is a wuss!

Don't! Just don't!

Whatever. I'm off to watch Breakin' 1,

which is far superior to Breakin' 2.

Oh, God, no! Breakin' 2 is the Electric Boogaloo!

What happened to the woman I love?

Hey, if you don't like it,

I guess you'll just have to break up with me.

You leave me no choice.

Lainey, if it makes you happy...

I will completely change everything about myself.

The things I cherish, what defines who I am

are meaningless if you don't like them, too.

That means no more Flavor Flav,

and hit the bricks, Ron Hextall!

Damn it! Why are you so sweet?

All that matters is me and you.

Okay, fine! I admit it.

The Flyers are superior to the Rangers... Yes!

Breakin' 2 is rad... Yes!

And Van Damme's oiled-up, shredded body

and insane flexibility are sick.

Come back to me, baby!

I just didn't want to stand in the way of you being a doctor,

but I couldn't bear to break up with you myself,

so I wanted you to do it for me.

But screw it. I can't lose you next year.

Come to Savannah with me.

I don't care what your mother thinks.

Wait. What does she have to do with this?

Did she put you up to this?

No. Kinda. I don't know.

She got in my head, and my car.

(GROWLING) Mmnh!

Mmnh!

Mmnh!

Mmnh!

Must... Release... Extreme... Rage!

ADULT ADAM: And so the rage was released.

Barry, wait.

I know you're mad, but please keep my name out of it.

Of course, my love.

Lainey told me everything, Mom!

Come on, dude. You didn't even make it two seconds.

Everybody stop yelling

and have a calming hunk of my homemade banana bread.

Come on. No!

Warm, moist dessert bread will not stop our rage.

In fact, Lainey agrees.

I'm going with her to Savannah, Tennessee.

It's in Georgia. Ugh. Really?

Doesn't matter.

In fact, I will never break up with Lainey.

The only person I'm gonna break up with is you.

So what are you saying?

You're just gonna get married and have kids and never see me?

Is that what you wish on me?

More than anything! Lainey and I will have six boys.

Wait. What? And three girls,

and they'll be strangers to you.

Nine kids? Are you crazy?

Shh! This doesn't concern you.

You will only be known as the weird blond lady who lives down the street,

and you will never, ever be allowed in our one-bedroom condo.

Whoa! Nine kids in one room?

The complex has a large common area.

Don't worry, Lainey. Gam Gam will babysit whenever you want.

Okay, we're getting just a smidge ahead of ourselves.

We have to!

Just listen to me.

Lainey, we had all these big plans.

Now everything's falling apart.

¶¶

ADULT ADAM: With his future in shambles,

Barry did what any reasonable man would...

Lock himself in a closet. Barry, please come out of there.

BARRY: No! I'm staying in here until I've figured out

what I'm supposed to do with my life.

If you only would've agreed to the nine kids, he wouldn't be in there.

This is your fault. Hey!

You're the one forcing him to be a doctor

to make your friends feel like losers.

(LAUGHS) Duh. Yeah.

Uh, good news, we found the dog.

Bad news, all of Adam is broken.

So much hurting, Mama!

Oh, my God! Call the hospital!

This is the worst medical emergency the world has ever seen!

There's a medical emergency?

Clear a path!

Where's the pain, little bro?

In my arm and my leg.

Do you know what you're doing?

Don't worry. I'll fix everything.

You didn't answer the question!

Lainey, I need 50cc of ice, stat!

I don't know how much that is, but I'm on it.

BARRY: Come on, fast! I need it fast!

Mom, I need a morphine drip.

If you can't find that, two aspirin. On it, Schmoo.

BARRY: Hurry! Move, move!

Why is everyone listening to him?

He's not a medical professional!

BARRY: Ice! Give me my ice!

Whew! That's cold.

It's okay, little buddy. Stay with me.

Clearly, I can't go anywhere!

I'm pretty sure my leg and arm are broken!

Nothing is broken! Look at me!

You're gonna pull through just fine!

Open, damn it!

Yes! Doctoring!

He's gonna pull through!

My one baby saved my other baby.

I really did.

I cured him.

ADULT ADAM: Except he didn't.

Well, I was crazy-wrong.

Good thing you went to the hospital for a second opinion.

The first and only opinion!

Seriously, what's wrong with everyone?

Doesn't matter. My doctoring days are done.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I got to admit.

When everyone was freaking out, you really did take charge.

How did you know what to do?

I guess I kind of felt it in here...

My heart.

The other side, dude!

I got a lot to learn. So much, it's scary.

Let me re-adjust your pillow.

(BILLY JOEL'S THIS IS THE TIME PLAYS)

Look at that. He's a natural.

He really is.

Lainey, I'm sorry. I should've never mixed in.

I just want what's best for him.

Me, too.

But at the end of the day,

it doesn't matter what we want.

It's up to Barry to decide where his life goes.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom and Lainey finally realized

they couldn't control Barry's future,

while Erica was realizing

that it was time to take control of hers.

Hey. Can we talk?

I'm fine.

(SNIFFLES)

I was just worried about the dog.

I didn't mean half the things I said.

Fine. If you don't want to talk, then I will.

I never knew that you felt that way.

And now that I do, maybe...

I'll just go to college in Philly.

You don't want to do that.

It's okay. There's plenty of good schools close-by.

Look, as much as I'll hate it having you gone,

I'll hate it even worse if you stay here because of me.

Really?

Yeah, you got to get out there.

As hard as it is for me,

it's time for you to start your life.

¶ ...although we'll want to

¶ This is the time ¶

Well... Here we are.

ADULT ADAM: When we're young,

we want our future to go exactly as planned.

But then reality hits.

And sometimes it hits hard.

Barry?

You have to be a doctor.

But that means that we...

I know what it means.

But look at how great you were with Adam.

It's what you're meant to do.

What about us and our plan to be together forever?

I guess...

Life's something you just can't always plan out.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

We still have the rest of school, the whole summer.

I hate we have this ticking clock on us.

Then I guess it only leaves us one choice.

To make the next few months the best ever.

¶ I'm warm from the memory of days to come ¶

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, you get too caught up in the future,

you miss out on today.

'Cause even though it seems like

those you love may be running off,

when it comes to family, they're not going anywhere.

¶ ...although we'll want to

¶ This is the time to remember

¶ 'Cause it will not last forever

¶ These are the days to hold on to

¶ 'Cause we won't although we'll want to

¶ This is the time... ¶

As you know, now that my dreams

are back on track, so are yours.

It's only a matter of time

before the JTP opens the JTP,

the Jenkintown Practice.

ALL: Jenkintown Practice!

Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

Hello, Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

(SIGHS)

Look at the time. I got to go.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.

Doctor. Doctor.