Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Ah, the child stars of the '80's.

They were the coolest kids around,

and we all wanted to be them.

As fate would have it,

one grew up with me in Jenkintown.

It was R.D. Robb,

and I kind of knew him, sort of.

Well, go on, smartass, and do it.

Guys, look, it's R.D. Robb from school.

I can't believe my best friend is famous and on TV.

Dude, you said two words to R.D. on the school bus.

Now that he's famous, he's suddenly your best pal?

We traded Matchbox cars in third grade.

That's not nothing.

You know, now that R.D. is on TV,

I am realizing that he is totally hot.

Yeah, dude is so lucky.

Did you know his mom is the top talent manager in the city?

Oh, yeah, Edie Robb's got a sharp eye.

I've seen her scoop a kid up in the frozen-food aisle

and put him on the cover of Bop magazine.

Bop is the gateway to TigerBeat.

Hold up. You know Edie Robb?

Loosely.

She and my mom swim in the same yenta circles.

They get their pastrami from the same deli guy.

What the hell are you waiting for, bro?

Ask her to be your manager and make you famous.

Wrong!

If anyone's gonna be famous, it's gonna be me.

Please, what makes you think you can be famous?

'Cause I can play any part.

Badass action star, romantic lead, comic relief,

plus I do accents.

I'm from Russia. Blue jeans.

The only talent you have is being delusional.

I'll make you eat those words

once Haim and Feldman make me the third Corey.

How can you be a Corey? Your name's Barry.

Being a Corey is a way of life.

And when we're on set,

I'm gonna make you my sad little assistant

and I'll say, "Go get me a Coke."

Then you'll come back and give me a Coke

and then I'll yell, "I said Diet Coke!"

And then you'll cry, "No, you said Coke!"

And then I'll say, "Don't you ever question me

"in front of the other two Coreys."

Well, then I'll throw the Coke in your face,

and the director will see my passion

and make me the lead of Lost Boys 2.

And now I'm a Corey.

There can't be four Coreys!

Well, then we take a vote, and you're out.

You can't do that!

I own a Camaro and a beach house.

It takes a ton of money keeping up with the Coreys,

and now I'm broke, thanks to you!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

We're just gonna go...

I'm the Corey!

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶

ADULT ADAM: It was February 22, 1980-something,

and the punk-rock revolution was taking over our town.

Yikes, what happened to Matt Bradley?

He looks like Billy Idol's suburban nephew.

I think the punk look is crazy-hot.

He's such a bad boy.

Hey, I'm a bad boy.

Chill. I'm just suggesting

that Matt's an attractive, single dude,

and Erica's an attractive single girl.

Maybe she's ready to get back out there.

Erica, heard you were ready to get back out there.

Go away, Dave Kim.

You'll know when it's right. Take your time.

And that's a no on Matt, too.

Dating bad boys is your thing.

Obviously. That's why she locked me down.

Honey, you're kind and sweet

and that's why I like you.

But you're the opposite of punk rock.

Then I'll become

the opposite of the opposite of punk rock.

So, punk rock. Please don't, Barry.

You just can't pull it off.

Oh, I'll pull it all the way off.

I'll become the punkiest punk-ass punk

this school has ever seen.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Remember how Barry got jealous of Boy George,

so he dressed up like him?

Well, now Barry's gonna go all-out to be punk

and oh, my God, you did this on purpose.

Punk is super sexy. I want to see Barry

in a studded leather jacket and tight jeans

and don't gag like you always do.

I'm sorry, I can't...

(GAGGING) Help it.

(GAGGING)

You two make me ill.

Matt Bradley, I have huge news.

You're gonna be my Mentos.

You want me to be a European mint candy?

No, I want you to teach me how to talk and dress.

You know, be a punk.

Dude, punk isn't just some cheap look.

It's a counterculture, a musical movement, a life choice.

No one cares about that.

Hold up. What's in this for me?

Well, if you do a good job,

I'll make you a member of the JTP. Is that a band?

Jenkintown Posse is more of a small,

weirdly tight-knit friend group.

Well, it has been hard to find people

to sit with at lunch.

I think people are afraid of me.

Aw, 'cause you dress like a lady ghost?

What? No. Doesn't matter.

I'm in your hands. Mentos me.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry got schooled in punk,

I was teaching my mom about my future in showbiz

by cutting together my very first acting reel.

Nothing beats a Gino's burger.

I can do all my own stunts.

(SOBBING) It should've been me.

It should've been me!

And I got all the modern moves.

Do the wolf. Do the wolf.

Do the wolf.

(LAUGHING)

So, you think I got what it takes?

Squishie, you're so talented

they should give you all the Oscars.

Best Little Snuggle Goblin, Adam Goldberg.

Adam F. Goldberg.

I don't want to get confused

with the other Adam Goldberg in my school.

He's got more of a Jim Jarmusch vibe,

and I'm more of a Jim Varney.

Honey, I don't care about that guy,

and neither does anyone else.

You are my favorite Adam Goldberg in the world.

So, does this mean you'll show Edie my reel?

When I'm done with her,

Edie Robb will not only represent you,

she's gonna make you a star.

You know, usually I'm skeptical

of your blind support of my talents,

but I think you might be right about this one.

(LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey. I'm Matt, I'm here to see...

Let me make this easy on you, Weird Fonzie.

Erica's already got a boyfriend.

His name is Dante Kremp,

and he lives across the street.

Dad, what are you doing?

Um, I'm here for Barry.

(GROANS)

Hey, there's my punk-rock sensei.

What's happening with your head?

I'm a punk now.

Deal with it, you corporate shill.

(GROANS)

That's how punks talk to authority, right?

No. I got a lot to learn.

Matt, this is the JTP. ALL: JTP.

JTP, this is Matt. ALL: Matt.

Time for me to enter the next level of punk

and pierce my ear.

This cannot go wrong.

Uh, dad, what the hell was that?

Yeah, what was that?

I'm talking about you saying

that I'm still dating Drew Kremp,

which is his actual name, Not Dante.

By your tone,

I'm guessing you two broke up.

Three years ago!

Do you seriously not know anything about me?

Peanut, I'm just bad at names,

especially when the people don't interest me.

ADULT ADAM: Like most dads back then,

our dad knew nothing of our lives,

let alone the names of our friends.

Name one of my friends, just one.

Bill's daughter. Whose name is...

La...Vondra.

LaVondra?

Larla. Larla?

Wow! You just don't care about me at all!

Unreal.

Mur, would it kill you for once in your life to make an effort?

Fine. Tell me some stuff about the girl one.

Well, Erica's heartbroken

because she's in love with a boy

who's not interested in her anymore.

What boy? Geoff.

The kid with the giant head? No.

The one with the teeny head? Who are these people?

I'm talking about Geoff Schwartz,

the kid who's around here all the time.

So that's why she's always terrible.

This has nothing to do with me at all.

No, it's mostly you.

ADULT ADAM: So my dad set out to make Erica's life better.

Hey, you.

ADULT ADAM: Or not.

You're my son's friend, right? Uh, yes.

And you've been in love with Erica for a long time?

(LAUGHING) Like, forever.

She finally loves you back.

Mazel Tov.

Did that just happen? Don't question it.

Everything's coming up Dave Kim.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad was screwing up love, my mom was nailing down

a showbiz connection with Edie Robb,

kid manager to the stars.

I'll give you this... Very good burger work.

He's got a nice bite-and-smile.

I knew it!

My baby Brando was made for the silver screen.

So, you'll sign him? Absolutely.

I like you, Bev. You know how to schmooze.

I love to schmooze. Obviously.

We're schmoozing right now.

So, what are we picturing here?

Uh, soap-opera hunk? Swashbuckling action hero?

Love interest for the hot girl on My Two Dads?

You know what? They're holding auditions for Meatballs II.

Oh, yes.

That's the silly, summer-camp movie with Bill Murphy, right?

Yeah, Bill Murray, but yeah.

All Adam needs is to get some headshots

and then I could submit him to play the spazzy schlemiel in the nerdy bunkhouse.

Whoa, what's happening here?

Why are you using those words

to describe my handsome star?

Listen, I get it. I love my boy R.D. with all my kishkas,

but when it comes to booking roles,

he's the number-one shmendrick in town.

What do you mean? There's not a dork, dweeb,

yutz, putz, or jamoke that my brilliant boy hasn't booked.

But Adam could give him a run for his money,

which is my money, too, 'cause I take 10%.

Thing is, my baby is none of those things.

He's more like a handsome hunk from The Outsiders.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

You have a completely unrealistic view of your son.

Please, I have a very realistic view of Adam,

my little Patrick Swayze.

He's not a Swayze.

Oh, he's a Swayze. No Swayze.

So Swayze, it's crazy.

You know what? It really is.

I think we're done here.

No, I'm done with you.

The last thing my Adonis, angel-face boy needs

is you as his manager.

Guess who's gonna be represented by Edie Robb?

She said yes?

Like, 1,000 times.

She even said you're the next Patrick Swayze. That's no lie.

She said I'm a Swayze?

She said you have the looks, charisma,

and scrumptiousness. Seriously?

I'm directly quoting her on that.

I always thought of myself as the nudgy comic relief,

like Balki or a Skippy or a Boner,

but if an objective third party

is saying I'm a leading man, it must be true.

Now all we need are some hunky headshots

to prove you're not a total goob.

Not that Edie thinks that. Nobody does.

Sweet. I'll go get my Vader cape.

No, wait, not cool enough. Voltron helmet.

Now that's hunky.

Anarchy, U.K., Big Ben, soccer!

Whoa, what's with the giant hoop?

I stole it from Mom's jewelry box.

Petty theft is part of the movement.

Baby, I'm totally digging what I'm seeing.

But it's not, like, punk enough yet.

Dude. I know. I got problems.

Aw, damn it. What else do I need to do?

Mmm, your clothes need to be

all ripped and shredded and hot.

Right, right.

Look more like an (BLEEP)

Good note.

He's just lashing out.

It's a natural part of the process.

Erica Goldberg, this is for you.

Will you be the Kelly McGillis to my Maverick?

Oh, he's Top Gun-ing you.

Oh, God, do not Top Gun me right now.

¶ You never close your eyes anymore

¶ When I kiss your lips ¶

Yep, And by Air Force law,

now you have to date him. It's not a law.

¶ You're trying hard not to show it

He's being emotionally vulnerable. That's hilarious.

¶ But baby I know it ¶

Everyone.

(ALL BOOING)

Ew! Erica's dating a freshman.

Erica, you like that guy?

Nope. He's very confused.

Not confused. Her dad specifically told me

she was secretly in love with me, but could never admit it.

Okay, my dad did not do that.

Her dad literally came into the basement,

looked me in the eye, and told me that directly.

¶ You've lost that lovin' feeling

¶ Now it's gone, gone, gone ¶ (ALL BOOING)

And now I'm gone,

because I have a dad to strangle.

(CROWD BOOING)

I love a good train wreck. Sing it, dude.

ADULT ADAM: Lainey had told Barry to up his punk game

and he was a man on a mission.

Pops, check out this polo I just shredded.

Lainey said she wanted punk. I'll give her punk.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oy vey.

Where is he? Where is the man who helped give me life,

only to ruin it with his stupidity?

Hey. There's my peanut.

I am not your peanut.

Because of you, I got serenaded in front of the whole school.

You don't have to thank me. It was the wrong boy.

I like Geoff, but Dave Kim sang to me.

Oh, no! Yes.

What have you done, Murray?

Honestly, I don't know. This is all so confusing.

This is Dave Kim, a tiny freshman creeper

who dresses like Velma from "Scooby Doo."

And this loveable, sweet dope is Geoff Schwartz.

So I picked the wrong boy.

It's the effort that counts.

I liked it better when you knew nothing about me.

I can't wait to go to college

so I can ignore you for the next four years and the rest of my life.

You know, I...

I'm not usually known for feeling things,

but that made me feel... (WHISPERING) Sad.

What was that? (WHISPERING) Sad.

(WHISPERING) Sad. Speak up.

It made me sad, damn it,

like maybe I should participate in her life or something.

Maybe?

Of course you should.

Fine! Will you... (WHISPERING) Teach me?

Say he words out loud, Murray.

Teach me!

Tell me everything there is to know about her.

I'll make you some note cards.

Thanks, Al. You're a good person.

I know. Oh. That you heard.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad learned the basics of Erica,

I was ready to advance to a world of kid stardom.

You must be Paul Sirochman.

Rumor has it you're the headshot king of Philadelphia.

That's a negative.

We'll see what develops.

Photo jokes... That's me.

Neat.

Here's the thing. Um, I need you to make my son

look like a chiseled, rugged man-star.

Can you do that?

Wow. Huh. A challenge.

All right, chin down, eyes up.

Nice.

And, uh... Maybe lose that sword.

You wanted rugged, right?

It doesn't get more rugged than the Highlander.

There can be only one.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, I was ready to be a leading man.

It's the communicator from Quantum Leap.

Hello? I'm cool like Bakula. He's the whole package.

ADULT ADAM: So, I took inspiration

from every leading man I worshipped.

Should I turn on the finger, or will that screw up the lighting?

Just do what you want, kid.

ADULT ADAM: And the results were epic.

All right, I know what you're thinking...

That you're the best damn photographer in the universe?

I thought you said you wanted Swayze?

Oh, Adam's no Swayze.

(SIGHS) He's Tom Cruise.

My baby is Tom Cruise.

There she is... The girl I know everything about.

Whoa, what are those?

Pops gave me a master class all about you.

Now I know everything there is to know

about Erica Dorothy Goldberg.

Age 17, who likes Christian Slater,

Gibson guitars, and the occasional side pony,

which is a hairstyle.

Wow, great. You learned a few things about me,

and now you're, like, Dad of the Year.

Ho, ho. Card number 43...

You cover insecurity with sarcasm. Classic Erica.

Stop doing what you're doing.

I get it. You're mad.

I told Dave Kim that you loved him,

when it's really Geoff Schwartz who you love.

Dad, stop!

What, you think I'm gonna tell Geoff Schwartz

that you... Love him.

That's Geoff Schwartz.

I know that because of card 27.

I didn't hear all of that.

I'm... I'm just gonna run away for an unrelated reason.

Why?

Ugh. This hair dye itches me like crazy, dude.

Don't touch anything else.

Go wash your hands, quick, before it gets in your eyes.

Ow! I touched my eyes.

He's touching his eyes. Why are you doing that?

'Cause you told me not to, and I'm anti-establishment now.

Damn my punk lifestyle! Ugh!

There she is, just in time for our 3:00 meeting.

At the deli counter? Seems kind of weird.

Just zip it and take the meeting.

Hi, Edie. It's me, Bev, and my gorgeous leading-man boy.

Man, boy... I'll let you decide. Hello, Adam.

What a coincidence, running into you here.

Also a coincidence,

I just happen to have Adam's handsome new headshots.

Doesn't my son look like a movie star,

Tony the deli guy? Oh, yeah.

He looks like that twerpy guy, Rick Moranis.

With those glasses and that doofy,

deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.

Okay, that's enough. Just slice the meat.

No, he's right.

These photos are fricking incredible.

I mean, look at that punim.

It's like getting a lotto ticket

and scratching off three Urkels and a Potsie.

Potsie's a personal hero of mine.

You see? I knew it.

He would've been perfect for Meatballs II.

Which reminds me, let me have meatballs, too, and all your tuna.

You understand me? I don't want that lady to have any.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

"Would've been"? You mean I missed out on

auditioning for a Meatballs sequel?

Okay, let me be clear.

You are a Cruise or a Swayze, not a geek or a goober.

I don't care how much those kinds of roles pay.

A lot. You know Booger from Revenge of the Nerds?

Well, Booger has two Jet Skis,

one you sit, one you stand.

Wait. You're the one who wanted those hunked-out photos

to prove to her that I wasn't a nerd.

Adam, look at me. Look at your mama.

You are not a nerd.

No, you look at me, right in my lazy eye.

I am a nerd.

Never. Say it.

Over my dead body.

You know, sometimes you get so caught up

in what is you want for me,

that you forget what I want.

Thanks for killing my dream.

ADULT ADAM: It had been a day since Barry nearly lost an eye to punk rock,

but he'd stop at nothing to impress Lainey.

Before you say anything, my spikes are supposed to be blue

and the hair dye messed up my vision for about a week.

Barring that, I'm looking pretty punk rock, right?

Nope. Zero.

It's kind of hard to look at, bro.

Stop. Don't discourage the man.

It's just a little more pumpkin-y than punk.

But wear this until it grows out.

Aside from the hair, what about the rest?

Do I look like Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious.

You look like a pirate, dude.

Your girl won't say it, but we will.

No, I'll say it.

I went too far and now you're a pirate.

And you think that's hot?

I gotta go find a way to fix this.

But I did this for you, damn it.

(GROANING)

Oh, he just said "argh." That's a thing a pirate says.

And he's hopping on one foot like he's got a peg leg.

(LAUGHTER) This is all your fault, Matt Bradley.

Wait, what are you wearing?

Yeah, watching you try too hard to be punk

made me realize I need to mellow out.

That's why I'm a Deadhead now.

The Grateful Dead is the opposite of punk. For sure.

If you ask me, you guys need a chill member of the JTP.

ALL: JTP. See?

Okay, guys, can we pivot to my thing, here?

I'm, I'm kind of going through some stuff.

Good idea. Let's divert the attention from me.

It's just, I've liked Erica forever,

but I'm with Evy now, and I love her.

Then, that's your answer right there, man.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that you're honest

and listen to your heart.

Wow.

That's so deep and Jerry Garcia of you.

I'm a pirate.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry failed at punk,

my mom was trying to win back her little star.

Schmoopy.

Schmoopaloo.

Schmoopy-booper.

Schmoop de jour.

Schmoopy doopy poopy soupy, have a scoopy.

Stop saying variations of "schmoo" and go away.

Listen, I know I shouldn't have lied to you.

And if the only way you're gonna forgive me

is to say that thing you want me to say,

then I will say it.

You are a... Oh, nope.

I, I'm sorry. I can't say it.

Well, at some point, you'll have to.

No.

You will always be my amazing, handsome leading man.

But if everyone else sees you as a nerd,

then you go out

and you be the best nerd the world has ever seen.

Deal.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom was finally facing the fact that I wasn't a leading man,

Erica was coming to terms with the fact

that Geoff might not be hers.

Hey. We gotta talk.

If it's about what my dad said, we really don't.

I really think we should.

Geoff, come on.

You know my dad is utterly clueless.

True.

I mean, what does my dad always call you?

Jeremy or Jack. He called me Jorf once.

That's not even a name. (CHUCKLES)

So, yeah, he's, like, dead wrong.

Well, okay, um, that's a relief,

'cause I'm with Evy now and we're really happy.

And I'm happy for you guys.

Cool.

Glad I checked in.

Me, too.

¶ When people keep repeating

¶ That you'll never fall in love

¶ When everybody keeps retreating

¶ But you can't seem to get enough

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes we hide our feelings

to protect ourselves from the unknown,

even though we know it will hurt.

But even worse than getting hurt

is not listening to your own heart.

I was just...

Me, too. ¶ To your heart ¶

ADULT ADAM: Because if you don't listen,

you could miss one of the best moments of your life.

¶ To your heart

¶ To your heart ¶

This is gonna make things super awkward and confusing.

For sure.

ADULT ADAM: In the end, love can come at the most unexpected time,

and 'cause of the most unexpected people.

Uh, Dad.

Listen, I know I screwed up with these stupid things,

but, uh...

Thank you for making a mess of things.

So, you're not mad at me?

You know, it actually kind of worked out for the best.

I knew it would, Erica Dorothy Goldberg.

No, you didn't.

(CHUCKLES)

¶ Let my love open the door

¶ To your heart ¶

I never saw Meatballs part one, but I'm very confused.

So am I. Where's Bill Murray,

and why is there an alien in their bunk?

This makes no sense.

Of course it does.

All camps have end-of-the-summer boxing matches

to determine who gets the rights to the lake.

Why is the photo guy here?

We're taking new headshots to get you into Meatballs III,

so we needed to see what we're aiming for.

I'm just gonna focus on writing.