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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, basketball was all about showmanship.
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00:00:03,270 --> 00:00:05,971
Flying through the air, slamming and jamming with style.
3
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:09,508
And nobody did it better than the Harlem Globetrotters.
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,643
And there was no bigger fan than my brother Barry.
5
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,613
He spent hours trying to be the next Curly Neal,
6
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,749
perfecting his buzzer-beating hook shot.
7
00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:19,485
Three, two, one.
8
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,153
Still one!
9
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,689
One!
One!
10
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:24,456
One!
11
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:25,391
A dunk at the buzzer!
12
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:29,361
The Globetrotters
are crowned champions
of the universe!
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00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,864
(MIMICS CROWD CHEERING)
ADULT ADAM: That year, my dad got two tickets
14
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,833
to a 'Trotters game and Barry was beside himself.
15
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,803
Even walking pneumonia wouldn't stop him.
All set.
16
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,638
It's 80 degrees out,
you moron.
17
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,106
I got the shivers
and sweats.
18
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,674
Just means
I'm super psyched.
19
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,942
Not so fast.
20
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:45,244
Murray, look at your son.
21
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,246
Can't you see
he's pale and clammy?
22
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:48,080
I don't like looking
at him too much.
23
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:51,216
Okay, come here, I got to put
my lips on your forehead
and take your temperature.
24
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:54,553
I'm fine!
Keep your lips off me!
Come here, come here.
25
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,288
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my God!
26
00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:59,525
You must be 102.3!
You're with fever!
27
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:00,526
I'm not with fever.
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00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,895
There's no science
to putting lips
on a forehead.
29
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:05,664
Why do you think
they call it
a ther-mom-eter?
30
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,500
Mom is in the name.
'Cause we invented it.
31
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:09,234
Yeah, none of that's real.
32
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:13,605
Enough. Come on,
let me carry you upstairs
and tuck you in bed.
33
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,340
You'll have
to catch me first.
34
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:16,742
(GRUNTS)
Oh! Body failing.
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00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,544
What am I gonna do
with these damn tickets?
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00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,079
How about taking
your healthy son?
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00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,847
Adam?
To a sporting event?
38
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,415
Yes.
Why is that so crazy?
39
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,716
Oh, good!
An audience!
40
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,519
Does this sound insanely
realistic to you?
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00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,221
(VOCALIZING)
42
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,190
Son of a bitch,
this one's sick, too.
43
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,159
No, I'm Michael Winslow
from Police Academy.
44
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,328
You know, the man
of 10,000 sound effects.
45
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:40,065
He's cornered the market
on mouth-based
noise comedy...
46
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,067
Until now.
Until now.
47
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:44,136
(VOCALIZING)
48
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,040
Okay,
you're coming with me.
49
00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:49,408
We're gonna go see
some basketball.
50
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:52,311
Am I in trouble?
No, this is gonna be
good for you.
51
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,345
Are you kidding me?
52
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,014
This nerd doesn't know
a lay-up from a bank shot.
53
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,450
Go on, ask him!
Ask him
what a bank shot is.
54
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,719
Is it when you make
tons of bank
55
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,955
for shooting
the orange ball
real good?
56
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:05,757
If I could stand,
I'd punch this
entire house down!
57
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,527
Come on, let's put you
snuggly in bed.
58
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,130
Schmoo, have fun
with your dad.
59
00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:13,132
This is gonna suck.
Yep.
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00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:13,966
(LAUGHS)
61
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,969
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh! (LAUGHS)
62
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,204
This does not suck!
Not at all!
63
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:23,709
This is so funny!
Sports is so funny!
I finally get the craze!
64
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,410
Hoo-hoo!
He gets the craze!
65
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,679
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
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00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,381
� I'm twisted up inside
67
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:33,385
� But nonetheless I feel the need to say
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00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:36,555
� I don't know the future
69
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:40,492
� But the past keeps getting clearer every day �
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00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:43,729
ADULT ADAM:
It was December 7, 1980-something,
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00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,797
a very special day in the Goldberg house.
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00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:46,999
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS) Why?
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00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:50,169
Perfect! Hold that face
and do it exactly
like that tonight
74
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:52,704
at your surprise party,
only be wearing pants.
75
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,473
No, no, no.
I told you.
76
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,476
No surprises,
no parties, no anything!
77
00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,078
Murray,
it's your 50th birthday.
78
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,381
Your nifty-fifties.
Yeah!
79
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,348
I don't see
what's so nifty
80
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,818
about me throwing out my back
every time I blow my nose.
81
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,320
It's a major milestone.
82
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,189
That's why I'll be sitting
in that chair
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00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,124
watching TV
in my underpants.
84
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:16,195
No. That's what you did
for birthdays 19 through 49.
85
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,263
This year
you're celebrating right,
86
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,065
so give Mama
what she needs.
87
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,367
And...
Surprise!
88
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,603
That was terrible.
And, again.
89
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,239
One, two, three,
surprise!
90
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,707
Surprise!
91
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,375
Surprise!
I'm not surprised.
92
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,111
Come on, one more time.
And... Surprise.
93
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:35,714
I'm not digging this.
This is just not good.
94
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,716
That negative attitude
is what made Erica
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00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,184
decide not to go
to college.
96
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,085
What?
That's the face!
97
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:43,822
Now go upstairs
and practice in
the mirror, okay?
98
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:44,823
Go, go, go.
99
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:45,457
Happy birthday!
100
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:48,160
ADULT ADAM: As my mom was planning a kick-ass surprise party,
101
00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:51,163
I was planning a badass Globetrotters routine.
102
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:53,699
All right, guys.
The camera's rolling.
103
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,901
Let's work
on our tiny passes.
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00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,270
ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut...
105
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,972
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
106
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:03,742
I'm not sure
what I'm watching,
but this is wonderful.
107
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,510
Commence ladder trick!
108
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,179
(GROANS)
ADAM: Cut!
109
00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:08,680
Dude.
You gotta catch the ball.
110
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,983
But the ladder says
don't stand on the
very top step.
111
00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:14,119
Bro, we're training
to be the next
Globetrotters!
112
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,154
That means
we follow one rule,
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00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,489
find the funny.
114
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,124
(GRUNTS)
Ow!
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00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:19,625
Not funny!
116
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:23,161
What are you dorks doing
on my court/our driveway?
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00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:26,198
Basketball is my sport,
along with all the
other sports.
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00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,534
Get your own,
but you can't,
'cause they're all mine!
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00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:30,068
Not anymore.
120
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,638
You never told me
basketball had
so much flair
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00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,539
and showmanship
and broad comedy.
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00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,342
Being a 'Trotter
was my dream,
not yours.
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00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,845
To be fair, you have
like a million dreams.
124
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,447
There's bound to be
some crossover
with your brother.
125
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:45,350
No way! Adam infects
everything he touches
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00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:46,551
with his geeky
nerd poison.
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00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,855
I mean, look how wildly
uncomfortable he is
holding that ball.
128
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,824
Tell you what. How about we
settle this once and for all?
129
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,059
Trotters versus Generals.
130
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,261
You want us to be
the Generals?
131
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,997
The pathetic losers
that the Globetrotters
always crush?
132
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,934
Okay, numb nuts,
just to make it fair,
we'll play to 11 points.
133
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,069
I'll spot you the first 10.
134
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:07,005
Let the basketball show
commence.
135
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:07,306
Oh, boy.
136
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,574
Okay, routine one!
Let's give them
that razzle dazzle!
137
00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:11,076
ADULT ADAM:
We'd razzle 'em but good.
ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut...
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00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:15,180
Yep, with our best Globetrotter moves, there was no way we'd lose
139
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,582
especially with a 10-point lead.
140
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,950
Go, B.
141
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,953
Whoo!
All net, no sweat.
142
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,455
ADULT ADAM:
Okay, a nine-point lead.
143
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,990
Um, could you back up
a scooch?
144
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,492
We need way more space
for our antics.
145
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,427
ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, our antics
146
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,430
were no match for their actual basketball skills.
Whoo!
147
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:34,599
Within two minutes, our 10-point lead became a one-point lead.
148
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:37,002
Even the classic Globetrotters pants yanking
149
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,604
was thwarted by their stupid belts.
150
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:40,706
Damn it!
151
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,141
No worries, let's put this
to bed with routine six.
152
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,644
Yeah!
ADULT ADAM: Which was the unbeatable water bucket trick.
153
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:48,880
One drop touches me,
and you're dead.
Yes, Mr. Naked, sir.
154
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,283
Now pour it
on yourself. Do it.
155
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,921
Dear Lord!
My beautiful hair!
156
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,789
Have some pride,
Dave Kim.
157
00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,691
This is so demeaning.
158
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,459
ADULT ADAM: It really was.
159
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,527
Turns out, we were the Washington Generals.
Whoo!
160
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:05,430
And that is how
you dominate at sports.
161
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,467
You guys suck.
Ain't that right, JTP?
162
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:09,468
ALL: JTP!
163
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,470
ADULT ADAM: While Barry put the brakes on my dreams,
164
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,972
my dad was getting ready for his nightmare of a party.
165
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:17,843
But first, he'd take a classic Murray Goldberg power nap.
166
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:18,944
Five minutes won't hurt.
167
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:23,014
And that five-minute catnap lasted a whopping two hours.
168
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,818
BEVERLY:
Erica, there's more coats.
I'm moving as fast as I can.
169
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,186
ADULT ADAM:
As the guests piled in,
170
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,522
my dad was nestled in a coat cocoon
171
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,656
and MIA from his own party.
172
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:34,426
After a frantic search, my mom had to improvise.
173
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,727
(CLEARS THROAT)
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00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,196
Friends, family,
co-workers,
175
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:38,797
those closest to Murray.
176
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:41,833
I'd like to thank you
so much for being
here tonight,
177
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,969
especially cousin Irving
who pushed back
178
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:48,006
his gall bladder surgery
to fly in from Boca.
179
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:49,341
Ouch.
180
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,443
And a big thank you
to Aunt Rose
181
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:55,147
who made us her famous
ice cream cake.
182
00:06:55,149 --> 00:06:56,448
The likeness is uncanny.
183
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,450
Murray is so touched.
Then where the hell is he?
184
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:01,953
(PEOPLE MUMBLING)
Yes, it has been
a beautiful night.
185
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:05,791
(SOFTLY) Erica,
they're turning on us,
go get their damn coats.
186
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,261
Oh, sweet God!
Dad! Wake up!
187
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,163
What's that?
What'd I miss?
188
00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:12,464
What time is it?
189
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,365
Before you get mad,
190
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:16,067
you should lie down
under these coats.
It's amazing.
191
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,937
Aunt Rose made your face
out of ice cream!
192
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,439
Ooh! I'll have
a slice of me.
193
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:23,508
Well, you can't!
Thanks to your little
disappearing act,
194
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,977
the whole thing melted!
It's ice cream soup.
195
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:29,347
I'm a milkshake.
Well, that's the dream.
196
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:30,582
BEVERLY:
Enjoy your coats!
197
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,951
ADULT ADAM:
While my dad was cutting out on his party,
198
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,288
I was cutting together some b-ball greatness.
199
00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:47,499
And that, my friends,
is what we call
the magic of editing.
200
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,901
You made it look
like we totally
crushed them.
201
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:53,572
We... Suck! You... Dominate... At sports.
202
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:54,606
We are losers.
203
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,408
Whoa, it's seamless!
204
00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:57,409
Funny, what is that?
205
00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:58,810
(WHISPERS)
Dude, super-cool senior
206
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,579
Ruben Amaro Jr.'s
talking to us!
207
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:01,379
I know, Dave Kim.
208
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,615
Hey, yo, JC!
Corbett! Get in here!
209
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,816
You guys
gotta see this video.
210
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,385
Um, it's more intended
for a private audience.
211
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,454
What are you doing?
Win their friendship
212
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,589
through a mutual love
of sports.
213
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:13,658
I... Smell... Like... Ball... Sweat.
214
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:14,693
(LAUGHTER)
215
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,294
That's hilarious.
Self-burn.
216
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,830
Man, this is classic.
What's your name, bro?
217
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:19,297
Adam F. Goldberg.
218
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,033
Gotta use the middle initial
'cause there's another
Adam Goldberg in school,
219
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,570
and he's very mad
about the whole
same-name situation.
220
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:26,705
Hey, can we
get a copy?
221
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,373
No.
Take the original.
222
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,241
ADAM: I guess
you can borrow it.
223
00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:33,545
I just want to make sure
we keep it between us
athletic pals. Cool?
224
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,946
Super cool, bro.
225
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:38,149
Barry Goldberg's
Globetrotting Suck Show?
226
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,618
In my defense, I only
gave it to the jocks
227
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:43,054
so I would look awesome
and you would look dumb.
You get it.
228
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,556
Well, the jocks gave it
to the burners
229
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:47,259
who gave it to the
debate team who gave it
to the bell choir.
230
00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:50,862
Those weirdos laughed at me.
The bell choir, dude!
231
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,365
They hold bells
and go, bong!
232
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,566
I'm lower
than bell people now.
233
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:57,035
Honestly, the tape
was only meant
to be shared
234
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,837
with my bros
on the basketball team.
235
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:01,673
Those bros are my bros,
not yours!
236
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:05,043
From this point forward,
I forbade you from liking
anything I like.
237
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,612
Yeah, you can't
do that.
Oh, I can!
238
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:10,081
Starting now,
stay away
from the following
239
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:13,118
Barry Goldberg trademark
hobbies and interests.
240
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,621
Globetrotters, karate,
Bo staff, Air Jordans,
241
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,357
competitive kiting,
extreme BMXing,
242
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,725
hot showers, conga lines,
243
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,628
and diving into an icy river
with a knife in your mouth.
244
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:26,498
I own that move.
I also claim
Skittles and soda!
245
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:29,734
You can't claim
an entire genre
of beverage.
246
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,703
That's madness!
And it's mine!
247
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,673
I also own roller skating,
eating chili,
248
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,808
half and full nelsons,
249
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,944
Chuck Norris, and boobs.
250
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,745
No! That's too far!
251
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,581
You can't claim boobs!
252
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,348
(WHISPERS)
Everyone likes boobs.
253
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:47,619
Have fun sticking
to your dumb hobbies
like robots and glasses.
254
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,219
Glasses aren't a hobby.
255
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:51,389
They're a corrective accessory
to combat my
wandering eyeball.
256
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:54,759
Exactly! You stay
in your lame nerdy world,
257
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,095
and I'll stay
in my awesome one.
258
00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:58,396
'Sup, scrub?
259
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,899
Know your place,
bell people!
260
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,134
No, your human oils!
261
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,308
ADULT ADAM:
It had been a day since Barry said
262
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,878
I couldn't share his interests, and he was enforcing it.
263
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:14,679
Hey, I'm watching that.
264
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:17,248
The A-Team is mine,
get your own show!
265
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,453
Fruit-based
accomplishments
belong to Big Tasty!
266
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,388
Get your own
weird talents.
267
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:27,325
Struggling to poke
the straw into
a juice pouch is my thing!
268
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,127
Come on, man,
this is crazy!
269
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,998
You can't just lay claim
to anything past,
present, or future.
270
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:33,698
Oh, yes, I can!
271
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:37,769
And I'm gonna keep on
doing it till you're
left with nothing.
272
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:40,005
(WHISPERS)
Nothing.
273
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,741
ADULT ADAM: Barry had just declared war on me.
274
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:43,041
Nothing!
275
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:47,112
ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile, my dad was entering a battlefield of his own.
276
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:47,912
Welcome home, darling.
277
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:51,516
Can I interest you
in a cold beverage
or a delicious beefy snack?
278
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,952
What is this?
Have a seat, Mur.
279
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:54,486
Forget parties.
280
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,322
I know this is
what you really
wanted for you birthday.
281
00:10:57,324 --> 00:11:00,091
Clearly a trap,
but sure.
282
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:01,893
Comfy?
Quite.
283
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,028
Fantastic.
Thank you.
284
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,362
It's a trap!
I know.
285
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,363
Erica!
286
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,967
See, I've been scrapbooking
our family for over 20 years.
287
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,970
And not only do you refuse
to be in any of the photos,
288
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,906
the few times you are,
you look like this.
289
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,342
What? That's how I look.
That's my face.
290
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,677
You don't value
any memories.
291
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,846
So you are gonna sit here
and look at all these books
292
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,115
until you prove to me
that you care about
293
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,316
our meaningful moments.
294
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,686
Bevy, this is how
I was raised.
295
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,887
We don't make a fuss.
296
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,555
Doesn't mean I don't
pay attention.
297
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,891
It's all up here
in my brain.
Oh, please.
298
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:36,428
This noggin is the world's
greatest scrapbook.
299
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:37,495
Which baby is this?
300
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,331
Which moron?
Uh... the moron.
301
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:44,436
Eri-baaaarry-aaaadam.
302
00:11:44,438 --> 00:11:47,772
That's it. I guess you're
gonna be looking
at these books
303
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:50,308
until your 60th birthday.
304
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,344
Son of a bitch.
How many of these are there?
305
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:56,581
Well, this is just the first
nine months of my life.
306
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,249
ADULT ADAM: While my mother turned up the heat,
307
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,219
I was about to turn the tables on Barry.
308
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,254
What am I looking at?
309
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,856
Oh, I'm just chiling
in my Flyers shirt,
310
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,859
eating Boo Berry,
watching Jean-Claude
Van Damme,
311
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,027
you know, classic me stuff.
312
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:12,030
That is not classic you,
it's classic me.
313
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,064
Too bad you didn't
call it.
314
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,666
I mean, you gave me
a specific list,
315
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:15,934
and none of this stuff
was on it.
316
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,903
Everyone knows
I own spooky cereal,
317
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,405
Flyers gear, and JC Van D.
318
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,074
It goes without saying!
Turn off that movie right now!
319
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,243
Ooh, I would if it were
a Chuck Norris flick,
320
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:29,180
but JC Van D
wasn't on your list,
so now he's on mine.
321
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,482
You take off my shirt
322
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:33,218
and step away from
the Boo Berry,
I mean it.
323
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:36,621
Should I step away from
the cereal like this?
324
00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:40,291
Don't you dare moonwalk
away from that cereal.
325
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,827
I own that move that
Michael Jackson made up!
326
00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:44,662
But you didn't call it,
and I did!
327
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,798
Those are fighting words,
and you know it.
328
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,732
Go ahead. I already have
329
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:51,936
my favorite martial arts
weaponry to protect me.
330
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,973
No, I called 'chukin!
I remember listing it off.
331
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,674
Yeah, you picked Bo staff,
332
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:59,043
which is basically
just a long stick!
333
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:00,011
What do you want?
334
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,748
I want the trotters of Harlem
who travel around the globe.
335
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,618
You give them to me,
and you can be you again.
336
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,154
Fine, take your stick.
Never.
337
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,956
I've got a rap album
to cut. Peace.
338
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,625
How could I forget rap?
339
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,327
I called competitive kiting,
but not rap?
340
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,029
ADULT ADAM: Yep, I was great at being Barry.
341
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,365
Only problem, he was just as great at being me.
342
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,700
Greetings, earthling.
What are you doing
in my room?
343
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,869
Just diving into
the world of nerd stuff
344
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:25,870
I love that you
never called.
345
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,541
You know, playing with He-Guy,
stretching Neil Armstrong,
346
00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:31,943
playing with this
weirdly hot cat lady.
347
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,111
That's Cheetara.
Cheetabra.
348
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,112
Her precognition...
Prenition.
349
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:34,979
...and immense speed...
Fence speed.
350
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:37,448
...make her an asset
to the Thundercats.
the Tundra Dads.
351
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,082
Okay, I get it.
352
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,951
You're trying to take
my things now.
353
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,486
Is that what's going on?
354
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,122
I was wondering why Barry
was insisting
355
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,025
I hang out with him
and give him sage advice.
356
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,326
Not now, old best friend.
357
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,629
I'm busy filming a movie,
which is mine now.
358
00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:52,263
I call all of movie-making.
359
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:55,867
Big action scene happens!
Boom, Hollywood!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
360
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:56,868
It's tedious, but fun.
361
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:59,404
You're moving her too fast.
It's gonna look weird.
362
00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:02,106
Do you mind?
This is my movie.
363
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,908
Wow,
this is a commitment.
364
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:07,145
Move faster.
I'm wasting my life here.
365
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,848
I could be outside
riding my bike around.
366
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,249
How do you do this
all day long?
367
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,284
Don't you get it?
This isn't a threat.
368
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,652
I hate your hobbies!
369
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,854
Globetrotters are mine!
370
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:18,890
Okay, this meshugaas
has gone on long enough.
371
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:21,659
There's must be some way
to work this out.
372
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:22,961
Fine, nerd.
I'll play for it.
373
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,797
Winner takes all,
both globe and Trotters.
374
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,932
Fine. But we play
by their rules.
375
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:30,335
It's not about who scores
the most points,
376
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,469
but who scores
the most laughs!
377
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,939
You want funny?
No crowd can resist
my antics.
378
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:35,607
Look what I'm doing.
379
00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:38,276
Look at the way my body's
moving right now.
380
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,377
Ahh-ahh-ahh-choo!
381
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,814
Oh no! I'm sneezing hilarity!
382
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,983
'Cause laughter's
the best medicine.
383
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,818
Antics!
You want comedy?
384
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,319
These aren't real, dude.
(ARMPIT FARTING)
385
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,322
That's just my hand cupped
into my sweaty armpit.
386
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,458
I'm the greatest basketball
player alive!
387
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:56,928
And I'm the most pregnant!
Look at me, sports fans.
388
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,197
I'm with child,
and you love me for it.
389
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:02,400
And I'm a doctor delivering
your ball baby!
390
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,102
No, no! Aah!
391
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,405
This is a sad day
for Harlem.
392
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,210
Sorry, no TV until you
go through every scrapbook.
393
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,746
You know, I've given this
a lot of thought.
394
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,549
And I realize
I do mark the moments.
395
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:19,751
As a matter of fact,
396
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,987
I kind of have my own
scrapbook collection.
397
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,822
You? Scrapbooks?
398
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:29,093
Take my hand, I want to
show you something.
399
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,528
(��)
400
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:35,566
This. This right here,
this is how I mark the moment.
401
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,601
These are our tax returns.
402
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:42,540
To you. To me,
they're reminders
of us, of our family.
403
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,842
Every receipt has a memory.
404
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:48,713
This right here, this is
where Erica got her braces.
405
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:49,314
(LAUGHS) And look at this!
406
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,116
This is where we bought Adam
his first video camera!
407
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,853
Wow, these receipts really
mean a lot to you, huh?
408
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:56,955
They mean everything.
409
00:15:56,957 --> 00:16:01,526
And I keep them all here
in my heart file.
410
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:02,460
Oh, Murray.
411
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:05,263
ADULT ADAM:
That's the thing about marking the moment,
412
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,365
everyone does it in their own way.
413
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,634
What a crock of (BLEEP)
414
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:14,072
I mean, tax returns?
In your heart file?
Really?
415
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:17,175
Look. I had it rough
as a child,
416
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,744
and I just realized
that my dad...
417
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:20,011
Boo!
418
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,880
You're not buying it,
not even the stuff about
the mean dad?
419
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,049
No.
So Mom didn't buy
your tax thing?
420
00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:26,851
She did not.
And you added the stuff
421
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,086
about your crappy childhood?
422
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:28,920
I did.
You know,
423
00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:31,956
you've always acted
like you don't care.
424
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,325
I guess, in my heart,
425
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,560
I hoped it was all a front,
426
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:40,331
but if none of this really
means anything to you,
427
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,667
then I'll stop trying.
428
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,908
ADULT ADAM: It was time for me and Barry
429
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:54,479
to face off in the biggest athletic matchup of our lives!
430
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:55,980
(��)
431
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,850
Okay, you know the rules.
First man to make Ruben
432
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,785
and his crew crack up
wins the game.
433
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,487
Is this gonna take long?
'Cause we got practice.
434
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,623
Trust me, time flies when
you're laughing your ass off.
435
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,426
ADULT ADAM: This was it. Globetrotter versus Globetrotter
436
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,560
for the ultimate Globetrotter title!
437
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:12,030
ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
438
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,565
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
439
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,001
They're all passing
in a circle.
It makes no sense!
440
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,470
ADULT ADAM: It really didn't. And worst of all,
441
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:23,374
our antics amused no one and confused everyone.
442
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,575
They're all in
the same uniform.
443
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,477
I can't tell who's
on what team.
444
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,383
Loose ball,
somebody grab it already!
445
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:36,687
ADULT ADAM: We were forced to bring out the big guns. The worm!
446
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,924
Look at this court.
After that, our game descended into desperation
447
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,727
and shoddy ventriloquism.
It's my family reunion!
448
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:46,164
ADULT ADAM: Lucky for Barry, he had one last trick up his sleeve...
449
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,633
the classic Globetrotter surprise pantsing.
450
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:53,938
No! Dude,
you can't pants yourself!
That ruins the whole thing!
451
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,606
Pull them up so I can do it!
452
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:56,541
Never!
453
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:57,909
You can't un-pants
someone.
454
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,110
That's just helping them
get dressed.
455
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,279
No! No!
Pull them up! Pull them up!
456
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,147
Stop! Stop the game.
457
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:06,250
You guys took something
beautiful and silly
and made it ugly and silly.
458
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,852
It's zero-zero.
But who won?
459
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,087
Nobody scored a point.
460
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:09,654
But who was funnier?
461
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,623
It kind of seems like you
need a win so...you.
462
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,025
ALL: Whoo!
Winner!
463
00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:17,395
Ha! It's official!
The Globetrotters
are my thing!
464
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:18,229
Add it to the list.
465
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:23,267
Meadowlark, Curly,
the other randoms.
Mine!
466
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,969
Fine. Take 'em.
467
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:25,837
Take everything.
468
00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,806
You win, so I'll stay
out of your life.
469
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,775
ADULT ADAM:
Sure, Barry had won the game,
470
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:35,346
but, at that moment, he realized he'd lost me.
471
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,683
As for my dad, he finally understood what my mom meant
472
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:41,252
about capturing meaningful moments.
473
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:44,522
And for the first time, he wanted to be the one to do it.
474
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:47,992
� Each day, I live I want to be
475
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,360
ALL: Surprise!
476
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:50,795
Oh, my God,
look at her face.
477
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,830
That's the real deal!
� A day to give the best of me
478
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:57,401
Are you throwing a surprise
party for you...for me?
479
00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:58,536
You know I hate all the fuss,
480
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:01,239
but you're right.
� I'm only one, but not alone
481
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,773
I should be
in the moment more.
482
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,376
And that's what I'm doing.
� My finest day is yet unknown
483
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,945
Marking the moment...
with you.
484
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:11,249
Aww, sweetie.
� I broke my heart, fought every gain
485
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:16,621
This is the best
surprise party for you
I've ever not thrown.
486
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:17,622
ALL: Speech!
487
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,557
All right. Well...
488
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:22,660
Everyone knows I'm not
much for words or parties.
489
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,763
� I rise and fall, yet through it all
But, um, I have to say,
490
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:28,232
looking out and seeing
all of you...
� This much remains
491
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:32,637
...that's gonna stay with me
for a long time.
� I want one moment in time
492
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:33,104
For your scrapbook!
493
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,841
ADULT ADAM: With that, my dad finally marked the moment.
494
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,143
As for me, I'd finally given sports back to Barry,
495
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:42,146
or so I thought. � When I'm more than I thought I could be
496
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:46,184
Hey, so, I know you're making
one of your movies and all
497
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:48,753
but I thought maybe we
could shoot some hoops.
498
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,254
No, sports are your thing.
499
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:53,324
Yeah, I guess that's why
I went so crazy.
500
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:56,093
� And the answers are all up to me
It's just...
501
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,596
I'm supposed to be the athlete
of the family, you know?
502
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:02,333
If you start liking
the Globetrotters,
then who am I?
503
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:05,269
But after our little showdown
in the gym,
504
00:20:05,271 --> 00:20:08,005
I'm thinking this is
the one thing we can share.
505
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:12,043
Come on,
I'll be the Generals.
506
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:14,679
Okay,
just like we practiced.
507
00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:16,914
And...
Look, I'm doing it!
508
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,883
ADULT ADAM: So maybe I'd never be great at sports
509
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,586
and didn't have a ton in common with my brother
510
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,323
but that night, we were on the same team.
511
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:26,691
That's the thing about family.
512
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,859
For all the fighting and surprises,
513
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:32,063
it's the little moments that make us remember
514
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,598
how lucky we really are.
515
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,602
� I will be, I will be free �
516
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:41,672
ALL: � Happy birthday, dear Murray
517
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:46,577
� Happy birthday to you! �
518
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,214
So did you have fun, Dad?
I had a good time.
519
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,917
Good 50th birthday?
Wonderful.
520
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:58,222
(SWEET GEORGIA BROWN PLAYS)
521
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:19,810
(HUMMING
SWEET GEORGIA BROWN)
522
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:21,145
(BELL DINGS)
47822
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