All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S04E08.The.Greatest.Musical.Ever.Written.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track1_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
In high school in the '80s,
you had to get creative

when it came to finding
your place at school,

and I knew exactly
where I wanted to belong.

(VOCALIZING)

Oh! (LAUGHS)

You are the greatest Tin Boy
the world has ever seen!

(GASPS) Oh, I'm sorry.
Tin Man.

My delicious,
little Tin Man!

You don't think auditioning
in full costume is too much?

You're too much!
(SQUEALS)

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
not everyone shared
my mom's enthusiasm.

Hey, bro!

Yeah?

Ow! Why?

I have a well-established
rep at school

as basically the coolest
human of all time.

And you'll embarrass me
and yourself
if you do the musical.

Sure,
I'm no Ben Vereen,

but I'm really growing
as a performer.

I don't care if you act better
than Jean-Claude Van Damme!

You're in high school now.

The last thing you want
is to be branded
a lame-ass theater geek.

You're saying
my popularity hinges solely

on me not doing
the musical?

This is high school, bro.

Theater is the lowest
of the low,

and nothing's gonna
change that.

ADULT ADAM:
Well, nothing except

the biggest musical sensation
of the '80s.

One word...
"Phantom."

No way!
Sweet!

ADULT ADAM: Before "Hamilton,"
"Phantom" was king of
all musicals.

Even non-theater geeks
loved it.

That show made me cry,
and I don't care who knows it.

After an exhilarating weekend
in New York City,

I stayed in a hostel.

I have decided
to change the musical

from that that sappy
schlock fest that is
The Wizard of Oz,

and tackle the greatest
musical sensation
of our generation.

But don't we, like,
need permission

from Andrew Lloyd Webber
to do his show?

We do,
and he's granted it to us.

What?
In spirit.

Look, do you want to be a
giant wussbag for the rest
of your life or be a star?

Well, you are the adult,
so...

We're doing the greatest
musical ever written!

Wait. Won't your brother kick
your ass if you do the play?

I'll just play it cool
around Barry.
He won't even notice.

Well, I'm off to school.
Have a nice day.

Thanks.

� I'm twisted up inside

� But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

� I don't know the future

� But the past keeps getting
clearer every day �

ADULT ADAM:
It was November 30,
1980-something,

and Erica was planning
her winter-semester schedule.

Okay, Pops.
I just finished the ultimate
slacker schedule.

Now that my college
applications are in,

I can finally, completely
give in to my senioritis.

A lot of my friends
have that.

I-It's not as joyful
with them.

First period,
I kick things off
with study hall,

ease into my day.

And then it's on
to second period,

another study hall
for naps,

and then typing class
and then an easy "A"
in home EC,

and then ceramics,
and then intro to summer.

That's a class?

It's an independent study
I created.

You know, there's a science
to getting a good base tan.

Well,
you outdid yourself.

This schedule really does
spit in the face

of education
as we know it.

Got to admit,
all this prepping
and planning,

very mature of you.

You approve of all this?

She's gonna be going
to college soon.

My job here is done.

Your job? As a parent?

Yep. Gonna be
phoning it in from now on.

And this has been you
not phoning it in.

I've been working
my ass off.

Hey, Boopie.
What's with the board?

It's a year of maxing
and relaxing

with nonstop blow-off classes.

Well, at least you're taking
one real class.

Which is...
Home ec.

Running a house is the hardest
job in the world.

You know, some people put
a man on the moon,

and others put parm
on a chicken.

Uh, you sound insane
right now.

Home economics

is the cornerstone
of civilization.

Or it's a class football
players take to make
drop cookies.

That's what
they're teaching you?

How to drop a hunk of batter
on a sheet?

When did you get
so anti-drop cookie?

They're not gonna teach you
how to darn a sock,

pepper a ham
or bleach an undie?

I'm in the mood
for drop cookies.

It's important for you
to have the knowledge

that your grandmother had

and her grandmother had
before her.

Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid
who has that knowledge.

Until then, I have some maxing
and relaxing to do.

Will you make me
some drop cookies?

ADULT ADAM:
Unfortunately for Erica,
the maxing was short-lived.

Oh, sweet mother of mercy.

Welcome to home economics.
What are you...

I'll be your, your sub
for the day and week.

How are...
Possibly month.
Only time will tell.

What did you do
to Ms. Horokawa?

Oh, you mean
Mrs. Silverstein?

I introduced her
to the man of her dreams.
They eloped.

Now they're in Belize
on the trip of a lifetime.

You monster.

Buckle up, angel.

You're about to embark
on a journey
through the domestic arts.

Mrs. Goldberg?
Chef Goldberg.

All due respect, Chef,
but the team and I

kind of took this class
for an easy "A."

Well, the only easy thing
about this class

is the eggs over.
(LAUGHS)

All right, the fact that
none of you are cracking up
right now

just shows your ignorance.

First assignment, lasagna.

This will be the greatest
challenge of your young lives.

But my mom makes lasagna
all the time.

Is it really that hard?

Uh, I don't know,
Ruben Amaro Jr.

Does four layers
of hand-rolled noodles,

freshly stewed tomatoes,
and six imported cheeses
sound hard to you?

But I only know two
different types of cheese,
string and whiz.

Goat, Gruyere, gouda.

Those are just the G's.
You want me to go on?

Mom, you can't do this.

Oh, I just did.
You're in my house now.

In addition
to our regular house,
which is also my house.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica's plans
for senior year were
crumbling,

my year was shaping up
to be epic.

Dude. Ms. Cinoman
just posted the cast list.

I'm The Phantom!
The lead. Was there any doubt?

No one likes a diva,
Dave Kim.

Oh,
did you see what I got?

A lifetime of pain.

Give it up now
or be a loser forever.

Oh, my God!
I got Christine!

Whoa, whoa.
Hold up!

Since when do you do
the school musical?

Since it became
Phantom of the Opera.

But I thought
we shared the same
beliefs and core values,

mainly that theater
was super lame.

It is, except Phantom
being the one exception

because it's romantic
and full of candelabras.

And guess what?
You're Raoul.

Wait, are you sure it's not
the other Adam Goldberg?
He's an actor, too.

There's an "F."
It's Adam F!

My first big part!
Suck it, other Adam Goldberg!

Don't tell him I said that.
I fear him. But yes!

Yeah, we're like
the power couple of the show.

What?
It's acting.
Don't make this weird.

Yay, Phantom!
(SQUEALS LIGHTLY)

(SIGHS) She was supposed
to come over

and watch me provoke
those hornets!

Can you believe this?
Kind of.

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's
opus.

What are
you talking about?

Haven't you heard the original
West End cast recording?

Dude.
Dude.

The Phantom loved Christine
so much, he let her go.

You know,
if I were you,

I'd be worried
about a showmance.

Oh, for sure.
No doubt.

What's a showmance?

It's when people
play lovers onstage,

and it leads to chemistry
offstage, too.

How do you guys know
so much about theater?

We saw the musical Hair.
We went for the nudity,

but stayed for the rich
musical tapestry.

You guys are nuts!
My super foxy girlfriend
and theater dork brother?

Yeah,
not sweating it.

Strange 'cause your t-shirt
is quite wet.

Yeah you're literally
sweating it.

You are!

Anyhow, I'm gonna go change
my shirt and pop by rehearsal
for the fun of it.

He's so sweaty.
Yeah, it's like a gland issue.

Must be.

ADULT ADAM:
And so Barry discovered
the world of theater.

What the...

And it was kind of bad ass...

Tools?
...and very appealing...

Chicks?

...and had frickin' capes!

Capes?

It was a beautiful mystery.

What is this place?

A world of massage circles

that bonded kids
for a lifetime.

Adam?

A word.

Sure thing, Bar.

I hate to do this,
but my girl was touching you,

so I'm gonna have
to karate kick your face.
You get it.

Hey, this guy bothering you,
Raoul?

It's cool.
He's not show folk.

He doesn't understand
our ways.

You see, the massage circle
is a staple of
high school drama.

Whatever, man.
Go back to your stupid
tap dancing

and lame-ass jazz hands.
So embarrassing.

(ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM:
At least that's what
Barry thought.

And then rehearsal began,
and he was swept away

by the music
of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

� Since once again
with me

Plus, Dave Kim got to wear
a frickin' cape!

� Our strange duet

� My power over you
What's happening?

All my senses are engaged.

� Grows stronger yet �
ADULT ADAM: That day,
my brother's mind exploded.

And my mom was about to do
some real damage

in Erica's cooking class.

� To glance behind

� The Phantom of the Opera
is there

� Inside your mind �

Cook. Cook, my angel!

Sing,
my angel of music!

� He's there

� The Phantom of the Opera �

Well, well.

Let's see if you've learned
anything from me, my angel.

Stop calling me your angel.
It's creepy.

Let's see how you did.

(LAINEY VOCALIZING)

Blech!

Ugh!
I'm sorry. Fail.

Ha! You just gave an "F"
to your lasagna!

I stole that
from the freezer last night.

What? Why?

To prove
this was rigged!

DAVE KIM: Sing for me!
Sing, my angel of music!
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

You cheated.
That means you really
do get an "F."

Are you serious?
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

This whole thing is unfair,
and everyone here agrees.

DAVE KIM: Sing for me!
Is that true?

Pretty messed up,
Chef G.

Oh, is that right,
Ruben Amaro Jr.?

You get an "F!"

Everyone gets an "F!"

(VOCALIZATION ENDS)
And scene!

ADULT ADAM: With that,
Barry paid our drama teacher

Ms. Cinoman a little visit.

After much personal
reflection,

I've decided that I need
to put aside

my hate
of everything you love

and accept my destiny.

I'm here to be a star.

I don't follow.
Neither do I. I lead.

And Big Tasty's gonna make
this dull-ass musical

more popular
than a football game.

That's the reach
of my appeal.

Ah, okay, well, auditions
have already happened.

Do you want
butts in seats or not?

Of course I want
butts in seats!
That's all I care about!

Then make me the lead
of the show.
Stedman, I guess.

Wait. What?

The Phantom of the Oprah.

I assume it's her longtime
companion, Stedman.

The man behind the woman.

Okay, uh, putting aside
that you don't know
the title or the show

and that
we're already rehearsing,
can you even sing?

Of course.
I sing rap style.

Oh, well, there's no
rapping in this play.

(RAPPING)
� Her name's Oprah Winfrey

� Her partner is Stedman

� Back off, Donahue
Or else you're a dead man

� She's a cultural icon,
collected and calm

� She's Oprah Winfrey,
America's mom �

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Yay.

Well, uh, thank you.

And then I break dance
and kiss Lainey

and win whatever's
the theater equivalent

of the Stanley cup.

I'll thank Oprah
in my speech.

Okay, uh, the show's
not about Oprah.

But hear me out.
Could it be?

You know what?
You're right?

I want you to be the star
of the show.

I knew it!
So what's my awesome part?

You will be one
of 20 stagehands.

(SCOFFS) What?
You said I was the star.

The real stars of this show
are the sets and props...

The fog machine,
the little boat,

the chandelier that
crashes onto the stage.

And you're in charge
of it all with 19 others.

Come.
Your dressing room awaits!

� Ta-da �

This isn't
a dressing room.

This is a place for me
to lurk under the stage

like some kind
of creepy phantom

tending to whatever
this play is about!

Wow. Creepy?

That's an extremely
unfair characterization

of our amazingly
talented stagehands.

Hello.
Ah!

Kill it with fire!

Oh, hi, Dan.

Show Barry the ropes.

All right, friend.

Let's get you into
some clothes that
make you more invisible.

ADULT ADAM:
It was Phantom rehearsals,
and I was ready

to take center stage,
while Barry was left
waiting in the wings.

Zip!
Zap!

Zop!
Zip!

What is Lainey doing?

How is saying nonsense words
with a bunch of nerds

more fun than quietly
watching me play video games?

Uh, Bar, can you help me
hoist this bad boy?

I have a hernia,
and this is painfully heavy.

You got this, pal.

I'm gonna grab a sweet
shoulder rub from my girl

once the massage
circle starts.

Oh, uh, no no no.

You can't, uh,
join the massage circle

'cause you're not
one of them.

What are you talking about?
Stagehands are
part of the show.

Barry, that's
something that we say

but not really
something that's true.

Like, there is a strict
social hierarchy in theater,

and actors are at the top.

They're like jocks.

Stage techies like us
are way down at the bottom

like mathletes
and Latin club.

Damn it!
I hate this backwards world!

Hey, crew?

I'm sort of
in character right now,

and your side chatter's
really pulling me out.

You might think
you're super cool here,

but when we get home,
anything goes.

Sorry, we're doing
that musical in the spring.

(LAUGHTER)

Stop making stupid
inside theater jokes
I don't understand!

Okay.
I see what this is.

You're just jealous
Lainey and I play
tender lovers.

Don't put it that way.

But he's right,
you are acting crazy.

Are you jealous?

Jealous? Of what?

Of my little brother
and girlfriend kissing

or watching people close to me
develop a shared interest

and thrive in a world
I can't be a part of?

All of those things, yes.

None of that applies!

ADULT ADAM:
While my rivalry with
my brother was heating up,

my mom and sister had
gone to Principal Ball

to settle their beef.

Whoa. Wow.

Okay, while I agree
that these lasagnas

both look and smell
like a diaper fire,

you can't give
the entire class an "F."

Can't I?
You can't!

The very fabric
of this school

is based on the fact
that Home EC is an easy "A!"

Okay, what are you
even doing here?

My entire offensive line
took your class!

If you fail them,
we have no football team!

Well, that's on them because
they can't cook for (BLEEP).

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Dear God, Mom!

Whoa!

Look, boys take Home EC

to boost their
depressingly low GPA's.

So it's not important

to learn the science
behind the three C's...

Cleaning, cooking,
and cheesing?

Sure, in a pinch,

a guy's got to know
how to make a manwich

or scrub a bowl if
a lady caller's stopping by,

but your class is too hard!

Well, if you ask me,

the only blow-off class
around here is gym.

I could replace you

with a pair of shorts,
a Jane Fonda video,

and a whistle.

You think you can just buy
these shorts? Huh?

You can.

But you have to buy them
at a special store
for coaches!

Okay, stop! Stop!
Everyone, calm down.

Beverly,
here's the thing.

Home EC is and always
will be a blow-off class.

Ha! Face!
What?

That'll teach you
to try to teach me.

I see.

Uh, then I guess I have

nothing in the world
to offer anyone.

Yes. Good.
We're in agreement.

Everyone gets an "A."

Now if you don't mind,
I'm late for class.

Okay, let's rehearse

the big Raoul/Christine
kiss, okay?

Let's just get
the staging down.

Raoul dramatically runs
to center stage

to kiss Christine.

(PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What the...
Not cool!

Sorry, technical difficulties!

All right, let's just forget
the stupid chandelier, okay?

Let's see the kiss.

(MUSIC RESUMES)
ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
a true phantom was lurking

in the wings of
Miss. Cinoman's
extravagant production,

and his name was Big Tasty.

It won't stop following me.

(THUD)

What the heck!

No! Stop! Get away!

Stop!

I sold my Ford Festiva
to buy this thing.

Now, make it work!

Sorry! Shoddy props!

We'll definitely
have to lose this scene.

Not until I get my kiss.

All right, you two
just get off the stage,
all right?

I'll get this.

Wait! Hey!

(SCREAMS)

(CHANDELIER CRASHES)

Aah! Oh,
the chandelier's broken!

And also my arm.

Dan did it! It was Dan!

Why, Dan? Why? Boo!

Everyone join me
in blaming Dan.

And he's gonna lie
and say it was me,

but we all know the truth
that it was Dan!

Boo!

Boo!

ADULT ADAM:
The next day, we learned
the cold, hard reality

of producing hit theater.

People! People.

Due to Miss. Cinoman's
shattered arm,

the producers at Phantom
have learned

of our very
unauthorized production.

Apparently, you can't do

a brand-new hit Broadway
show at a high school

without getting permission.

Balls!
Inappropriate, but precise.

I can't believe it.

I was so close
to being Christine.

Yeah, so close.

But hey,
that's showbiz for ya.

Now we can get back
to just us kissing, baby.

Wait a sec.

You sabotaged our show.

I had no choice!

You were gonna put
your nerd lips on my girl!

Lainey's everything to me.

(SIGHS) Come on, Lainey.

Eh...

Wait. Don't tell me
you're okay with this.

Well, before,
I was Christine in a play.

Now I'm Christine
in real life.

You know it, girl.

My boyfriend loves me so much,
it made him go insane.

I hurt a teacher for you.

Don't find his
horrible actions sweet!

Yeah, you did,
you naughty, little Phantom.
(GROWLS)

Okay, I've had it!

Listen up, all you actors,
costume designers,

dead-eyed chorus members
with no lines.

There's an old adage
on Broadway...

The show must go on.

And damn it, it will.

So we can't use their songs
or characters

or "entire story."

This is theater.

When we lose our script,
we improvise!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ADULT ADAM: Backed by a fierce
army of theater geeks,

I wrote an all-new,
completely different musical.

Take that, Broadway attorneys.

Suck it,
Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

� I am the Phantasm
of the gymnatorium

� So listen close,
this is my story-um �

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

No, no, no. No!

Just because
you say it is not
Phantom of the Opera

does not make your play legal.

But they're nothing alike.

In theirs, the Phantom
takes Christine

on a boat ride
in his underground lair.

In ours, the Phantasm
takes Chrissy

on a jet ski
in his above-ground pool.

They're the same thing, dude.

That's because
you played the characters
the same, Dave Kim!

You have no range!

Yeah, I'm out.
Me, too.

Yeah, it kind of sucks, man.
All righty, then.

Let's shut her down
and burn the sets.

BARRY: (CLAPPING)
Well, well, well.

Looks like opening night
was also closing night.

That's right, theater jokes.

Yep, you win.

I finally had one place
in high school where I fit in,

and you took it away.

Bravo.

ADULT ADAM:
While our play
had been shut down,

Erica was back
to her year of senioritis.

Hey, you mind?

Your mom just said,
"Life is meaningless,"

and she locked herself
in the bathroom.

I'm not gonna
feel bad about this.

She tried to fail me
and the whole football team

to prove a point.

For a smart girl,
sometimes you're a real moron.

What's this?

Budgets and meal plans.

Your whole life, she's been
scrimping and couponing

just to save enough money
for you to go

to any college
that you choose.

I didn't know that.

Well, now you do.

Don't make me start
parenting you again.

This was supposed to be
my blow-off year.

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out Erica did learn

an important lesson
that semester.

When it came to her kids,

my mom never took a day off.
� Think of me

� Think of me fondly
What the...

� When we say goodbye �

What's all this?

Sometimes I think
because I'm a senior,

I've learned everything
I need to know.

But every now and then,
I realize

that I don't know
anything at all.

What are you talking about?

I was wrong to look down
on what you do.

And I guess...

� To take your heart back
and be free �

...I didn't realize that all
your hard work is for us.

Baby, it's okay.

It's just what a mama does.

Well, saying thanks is what
a daughter needs to do.

So from the bottom
of my heart, thanks.

My God, why?

Yeah, it's the best I've got.

Maybe you can
actually teach me.

I would love that,
schmoopie.

But can we...

Throw this thing
in the trash?
For sure.

ADULT ADAM:
With that, Erica blew off
her blow-off year

to start learning from my mom.

But she wasn't
the only one who learned
something that day.

Hey.

I'm Donkey Konging.
Go away.

I get it.

You're mad 'cause I basically
ruined everything.

I'm mad 'cause my brother
is a jealous lunatic.

Thing is, I'm not just
jealous about Lainey.

It's like you're part
of this cool world,

and I'm not good at it.

Wait.

You're jealous of me?

I guess it was
kind of weird to see

my little nerd brother succeed
in a place where I can't.

I could teach you
zip, zap, zop

and maybe get you
into the chorus.

No. That's your world.

I don't get it,
and I don't want to.

But I got to say,
I think it's kind of cool.

ADULT ADAM:
So maybe I didn't get
my starring role in a musical,

but that night,
we all came together
for a meal

free of drama
and full of love.

Mmm. So cheesy.

Bevy, you've
outdone yourself.

I had a little help.

� Flowers fade
The fruits of summer fade �

Boopie, how's the play going?

Oh, you didn't hear?
They canceled Phantom.

The school was doing
Phantom of the Opera?

Stupid blow-off year
made me miss out!

ADULT ADAM:
That's the thing about family.

Even though you think
you have nothing in common,

they're the people
who teach you the most.

Well, maybe
they can do Les Mis.

I hear that's
an amazing show.

Come on, Dan!
Really dig in there!

I'm mostly muscle!
How are you not getting this?

Oh, I am loving mine.

Naked Rob is really
working out those knots.

Shh, shh, shh.
Just let your day
fall away, bro.

Ooh, a massage circle.
Can I get in on this?

No one touches
my girlfriend!

Everyone form a line,
not a circle.

Lainey's first.

I got to be
the masseuse
caboose?

Screw this.

I'm telling Miss. Cinoman
on you guys.

(APPLAUSE)