Original subtitles

Show me "wax on, wax off."

Hyah!

(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)

ADAM: Man, I love the '80s.

It was the age of E.T., Mr. T., and MTV.

Back then, the world was still small...

No cell phones or internet or Twitter.

Your friends lived on your street,

and your family were the people at your dinner table.

(RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES)

If you're assuming these smiley, affectionate people are my family, they're not.

We showed our affection in a different way.

Yeah, does this hurt? No, it doesn't hurt.

Erica, not at the table. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.

MAN: Now this is how I remember the '80s.

There were no parenting blogs or peanut allergies...

Just a whole lot of crazy.

Oh, look at that little geek, right?

Yeah, that's me, Adam Goldberg.

We were the first on our block to get a video camera,

and I used it to record my entire childhood.

(SINGSONGY) I'm home!

The man parking his pants at the front door...

That's my dad, Murray Goldberg.

TV's mine!

Ever since his last heart attack,

he became determined to exercise, eat better,

and not yell so much. It wasn't working.

Stop with the camera!

My super friendly sister Erica...

She loved to talk to people, just not us.

Adam, what the hell? I'm gonna crimp your face!

Mom!

Barry Goldberg, textbook middle child and classic overreactor.

You're a liar, Simon!

You are a liar!

(BUZZING)

Stop videotaping!

And finally, my overbearing smother, Beverly Goldberg,

a homemaker, a ball breaker,

who found the time to stay fit,

raise the kids, and drive us all insane.

(ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE)

Yeah, we were the family that yelled and cursed,

but to this day, we still love each other.

This is my family...

(READING)

It was September 3rd.

It began as a typical morning in the Goldberg house.

You don't know anything. He's not too old for me.

He's in college, Erica!

Wrong! He dropped out to start a band.

Don't you feel stupid now?

Mom, they don't zip! Can you help me with this?

Oh! Look at you!

Oh, why go shopping when your sister's jeans fit you so perfectly?

Fit me perfectly? They're horrible!

They're roomy in the hips and tight in the front.

I look like Brooke Shields.

And she's beautiful.

Look, you need to be grateful, because one day I won't be here to help dress you.

You keep saying that, but when? God.

ADAM: As always, my mom began the day by dressing us,

feeding us, and ignoring any sense of human boundaries.

(SINGSONGY) Where's my baby?

(GASPS) (CURTAIN RINGS SWOOSH)

Happy birthday!

(NORMAL VOICE) What do you want for breakfast? Privacy!

Oh, please.

Don't forget to wash your bottom.

ADAM: Barry was in a rare good mood.

He was turning 16,

a day he'd been waiting for his whole life.

(RATTLES) It's jingling.

It's keys! Keys means car!

Car means freedom from all you monsters!

I love you, mom.

(WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES)

(BOX LID CLATTERS)

What the hell is this?

It's a locket.

It's got my picture inside so you can always have your mother near your heart.

Sweetie, you're just not ready to drive.

You're too immature, and quite honestly, a little high strung.

I am not high strung!

I'm strung just fine, like a tennis racket or a banjo. I...

You know, I think it's great, 'cause all the cool guys in my grade,

they have mom lockets.

Hey! All of 'em. (SNICKERS)

Don't poke the bear, all right?

You don't wanna wear it? Fine.

I'll throw it in the trash.

Go ahead. Do it. Here I go.

Going to the trash. Do it. Go ahead.

Gonna go in the garbage. Mm-hmm.

(CHAIN JANGLES)

Unbelievable!

You were gonna let me throw this in the trash?

Totally irresponsible. You're not driving.

Oh, god. Dad, please talk some sense into your wife.

She's saying some pretty controversial things over there.

I agree with whatever nonsense your mother just said.

Come on. This is not fair!

Who the hell told you life was fair, you moron?

ADAM: Dad's colorful way of speaking may seem a bit harsh.

It really wasn't. You just had to learn how to speak "Murray."

It's 2:00 a.m. I thought you were dead!

I could kill you!

(BELL DINGS)

(CLICK)

You broke it? It's amazing.

You little bastards ruin everything.

(BELL DINGS)

For someone so smart, you sure act like an idiot.

(BELL DINGS)

All right, stop your pouting.

I got you something,

and I think you're gonna like it.

(WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES)

REO Speedwagon? This is top 40!

You don't know me at all! I'm into rap, the poetry of the streets!

Come on! No, no, no.

I talked to the guy at Sam Goody.

He said it was a hip track.

Well, did you talk to Sam Goody himself? Huh?

Did you? No. you talked to a random jagoff

who knows nothing about real music.

You weren't there, okay? The guy had an earring.

He had a jean jacket covered in buttons! Covered!

(CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR) Don't get your father all worked up.

I'm already all worked up. Honey.

Breathe. Calm down. Breathe, breathe. I'm breathing.

I'm breathing, okay? You're killing your father.

I hope you're having a happy birthday. (EXHALES)

(HORN HONKS)

BEREVRLY: Remember what Dr. Hong said. I know what Hong said!

ADAM: Barry had one last visitor, my grandfather, Pops.

He was 80 years of pure awesome.

I hear someone turned 16 and could use a new car.

Holy crap! For me?

I don't love you that much.

This baby's mine. You get my old one.

Yes! No! I didn't get a car when I turned 16.

What do you need a car for?

With your looks, you can get a ride from any boy in town.

Here you go.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

ADAM: It was the moment Barry had waited for his whole life.

Those keys meant freedom, and no man could stop him.

(MUSIC WARPS TO A STOP)

But my mom could.

Not gonna happen, dad. We've decided Barry can't drive.

BARRY: What? So Barry has a car and no license,

and I have a license and no car.

That makes no sense.

You know what else makes no sense?

Those peach wine coolers I found hiding in your closet.

Yeah. I'm everywhere.

This is the worst birthday ever!

The only one who understands me is Flavor Flav.

Who runs like that?

And what, we having a drag race? What's with the bird car?

Oh, my father thinks he's Burt Reynolds.

The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do.

Hey, kiddo, pick you up after school?

Um, we're going to the Y to do some water aerobics.

It's good for his circulation.

ADAM: Swimming was just our cover.

Pops really took me to the House of Waffles

to teach me the finer things in life.

And you can't just go in and honk 'em.

It's all about the cuppage.

Be gentle. Those puppies are sensitive.

I just wanna bury my face in 'em.

We all do, but you gotta earn it.

Speaking of,

where are we on Operation Waffle Girl?

ADAM: Her name was Zoe Macintosh.

She was the complete package.

Beautiful, older, and her dad was our family podiatrist.

Okay.

Last week, we told her your name.

Let's see if it stuck.

Oh, Miss? Could you top me off?

(LOWERED VOICE) No, no, Pops, too ballsy. Pops, stop.

No, no, we can't do this. I'm not ready!

(DEEP VOICE) 'Sup, girl?

(NORMAL VOICE) The check, please.

You got it, Alan.

Did you hear that? She just called me "Alan"!

That's not your name.

I'll change it. I'm Alan now. Pops, you're a genius.

Thank you, Jedi Master.

(IMITATING LIGHTSABER WHOOSHING)

You're not making this easy, kid.

Sorry.

(WHOOSHING)

You're like my own personal Obi-Wan Kenobi,

but instead of the force, you're teaching me how to get freaky.

Who's Oboe Cannoli?

Is that Barry?

Barry, what are you doing?

Eating day-old doughnuts.

My friend Terrance, he's the manager.

He leaves 'em out back for me.

Why?

It's called eating your feelings, assbag!

Mom's gonna walk me to the bus till I'm 40, all right?

Put down the garbage cruller.

I'm gonna figure out a way to get you that license and my car.

Come on. Really?

ADAM: As we cruised in Pops' new ride, we felt like kings.

It didn't matter that my mom said Barry couldn't drive.

Our grandfather would fix that.

He was always cooking up a plan in that brilliant mind of his.

All right, Pops, you said you had a plan. Whatchu thinkin'?

Uh... Uh...

Pops, you okay?

(TIRES SCREECH)

Aah!

(LOUD CLATTER)

(COUGHS)

(ENGINE HISSING)

ADAM: Okay, his mind wasn't what it used to be,

but his appetite still was.

So who wants nuggets?

ADAM: Pops was booked with reckless endangerment,

and we were all thrown behind bars...

That is until our mom arrived.

Are you proud of yourself?

Locking up an old man and two little boys?

ADAM: God help the poor soul who tried to push us around.

That... Was her job.

Memorize this face, because it is gonna haunt your dreams, sir.

It is gonna haunt your (BLEEP) dreams!

Are you guys okay?

No, I'm not okay! Barry took a dump in front of us!

I had to go!

It was bad.

I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.

ADAM: The next morning, mom lowered the boom and took Pops' keys.

I'm not one of your kids, Bev.

You can't boss me around. I do the bossing!

Dad, I'm just trying to help you.

Your mind is not what it used to be.

ADAM: As always, the neighbors came out to watch.

Oh, hello, Gina! Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer!

ADAM: For the record, Gina, that's my mom's best friend.

Uh, can I go now?

I've got a date with Shirley Nagel.

She's got 12 grandkids, so you know she puts out.

Cut the crap, Albert, okay? Cut it!

It's all life. You lose your keys, Barry gets some keys.

It's the... Circle of driving.

Looks like I better get on home and take this all in.

Can I have the keys? No!

You're out of my will!

You're out of my will!

That's right! We'll see who croaks first!

BARRY: Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Does this mean I can drive?

No! Yes!

Yeah, hon, I said Barry was not ready, and you agreed.

In my defense, I wasn't listening.

ADAM: Whenever my dad disagreed with my mom,

this would happen five minutes later.

Who watches Adam sleep in case his asthma kicks in?

Me.

ADAM: She'd guilt him into submission.

Who bought the family a new hamster because you sat on Herbie?

Me.

ADAM: But not this time.

See, my dad always had a soft spot for Barry,

so he decided to help the kid.

I do all the dirty work that you don't wanna do.

Bevy, you live for those things,

and now that the kids are growing older,

your whole world is falling apart.

My world is fine, thank you very much.

Okay.

If you got no problem letting go,

then I'm gonna take Barry for a driving lesson.

(SCOFFS)

Ho-ho-ho! You two stuck in the same car together?

That'll go well. Good luck not flipping out.

I don't need luck. I'm gonna teach him good.

I'm gonna parent the (BLEEP) out of him.

Barry! Daddy's gonna teach you how to drive!

Seriously?

Uh-huh! Okay.

(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ Yeah, that's right, Barry's drivin' ♪

Unreal. I raised a moron.

(BELL DINGS)

ADAM: My dad was determined to do the impossible...

Not yell.

Just stop screaming, please! Listen! Listen to me!

Okay? God!

The brakes! You're riding the brake!

You've gotta put your foot on the gas sometime!

You're going so slow! (HORN HONKS)

Let him pass! Who?

The guy on the moped! Let him pass!

Go ahead! Go ahead, okay. Let him pass!

(HORN HONKS)

All right? (MOPED MOTOR REVS)

Now we're going to make a right.

Before we get to the right, turn on your signal.

(CLICK)

Not the wiper.

It's just smearing everything around! What is this?

Come on. Oh, my god.

You gotta let me out of this car, man.

I can't die before I cop a feel!

Shut up, okay? You wanna die? I'll kill you right now! Huh?

Hey! I'll kill both of you!

Do not hit the child in the back.

That's way too advanced.

Too advanced!

Turn off the wipers. Make a "U." We're going home.

Home? No, no!

This is my one chance to get my license,

and I'm getting it, all right? You blew it!

Stop the car!

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(GEARS SHIFT)

What are you doing?

(HORN HONKS)

Go around! My son's a moron.

Go around! Just go! He's a moron!

Get out. I'm taking the wheel. No!

No. you said it was my turn.

Circle of driving.

Open up! Open up! No! No!

Open up! No!

No! No! No! No!

Ah! You can't stay in there forever.

(HORNS HONKING)

ADAM: Forever? No. But 20 minutes? Absolutely.

Barry, the cop just said he's gonna tow the car!

Well, I would, too!

God!

ADAM: And then things went from bad to worse.

My mom arrived.

Who called her?

ADAM: I'll give you a hint. It was me.

Barry! Open up.

Get out! Get out now! Get out! Get out!

Let me in! Let me in!

You're not gonna get punished. Come on!

We'll go for pizza!

You wanna go for pizza? Ice cream, too?

Let me in! Let me in!

So this is what happens when you're in charge, huh?

(HORN HONKS, MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) City-wide traffic jam?

Whose world is falling apart now?

MAN: Move the car! Shut up!

(EXHALES LOUDLY) Albert, these kids adore you.

Talk to the boy.

Absolutely.

Fight the power, Barry! You can drive!

It's a god-given right!

ADAM: In that moment, my dad expected my mom

to go nuclear, but then she did something even worse.

This is your mess. You clean it up.

ADAM: She left him in charge of Barry.

I regret nothing!

ADAM: In all the chaos, Pops and I were able to sneak out

to work on Operation Waffle Girl.

Welcome back, boys. What'll it be?

I don't know. What do you think, Alan?

Let's pull the trigger. Two Monte Cristos, all the trimmings.

(CLEARS THROAT)

All that fried meat and cheese?

Mom? You're gonna be on the bowl for hours.

Mom! Leave now! Go!

(NERVOUSLY) I'll come back.

(SINGSONGY) Oh, I see what's going on.

Someone has a crush. (CHUCKLES)

(NORMAL VOICE) So adorable. Not gonna happen.

Excuse me? Here we go.

Well, I have to draw the line somewhere.

Erica's rushing off to college, Barry wants to drive,

and now you wanna date?

You still play with toy robots!

They're GoBots!

And one day, they'll be worth millions.

ADAM: They weren't.

Baby, you're not ready for girls.

You don't even have pit hair.

I have three.

ADAM: I didn't.

Dad, how could you encourage this?

'Cause he's in sixth grade. Loosen your damn grip, Bev.

Yeah! I'm a man now! A man with needs,

and I need Zoe and her sweet, delicate boobs,

and you can't stop me.

(HUFFS)

You're out of my will!

Whatever that means!

This is your fault, you know.

If I knew that's why you drove him here,

I never would've allowed it.

You wanna know why I won't give up my license, Bev?

You wanna get with Shirley Nagel. Yes, we get it.

Shirley Nagel. Are you kidding me?

I got that locked down.

But if you take away my car,

you take away my time with my grandson.

Getting waffles with that little guy,

it's the best part of my week.

Oh, dad.

I didn't know that.

You'll make it right, Bev. I know you will.

ADAM: As my mom realized she had to let go,

my dad decided it was time to get more involved.

I guess you were right, okay?

Looks like I'll never drive.

Any dummy can learn to drive,

even a dummy like you.

Come on, dad.

You got me an REO Speedwagon tape.

You don't know anything about me.

Trust me. I do.

I know you go through life feeling all angry,

let down, misunderstood.

I get it.

Wow. That's... Yeah.

Do you ever cry into your pillow?

No, I don't cry into my pillow.

Who cries in their pillow? Not me. I don't.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna talk to your mom and tell her

that she's gotta let you get your driver's license.

Really? Yes.

Thank you, and can you also convince her to get a hobby?

Knitting, break dancing. I know, I know.

Anything besides us. Yes.

I'm working on it, kid.

ADAM: Turns out our dad did have a good heart after all.

He just had to open it up once in a while.

You know what? I don't say it a lot, but...

You're not a total moron all the time.

(BELL DINGS)

(HORN HONKS, ENGINE RUMBLES)

Can I drive?

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

No!

Oh, come on. Not REO Speedwagon. (TAPE PLAYER CLICKS)

Seriously? Hey, this is good stuff, okay?

I've been listening to it.

(HUMMING ALONG)

♪ And yet I'm still afraid to let it show

♪ What started out as friendship

♪ Has grown stronger

Come on.

♪ ...had the strength to let it show

Here we go! Join me.

♪ And I can't stop this feeling anymore

♪ I've forgotten

(BOTH) ♪ What I started fighting for

Look at you!

♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore

♪ And throw away the oars

♪ Forever

♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for ♪

What are you, uh, doing?

Nothing.

Those the kids' baby blankets?

You got me. I...

Sometimes I smell 'em when I feel sad.

That's not weird, is it?

Well, little weird.

Yeah.

My world is caving in.

I mean, I've given those kids everything,

and now that, uh, they're growing up

and don't need me as much, what do I have?

Me. I'm not going anywhere.

All right, let me have a... A sniff.

♪ And I can't fight this feeling anymore

♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for

♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore

♪ And throw away the oars forever

♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling... ♪

Forget about the diner. They just opened this place.

I think you may like it.

♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for

♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore

♪ And throw away the oars forever

♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore ♪

ADAM: And with that, the circle of driving was finally complete.

♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for

♪ And if I had to crawl upon the floor

♪ Come crashing through your door ♪

(SIGHS)

I raised a moron.

(BELL DINGS)

(CHUCKLES) Classic.

(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)

♪ Come on ♪

You're aggravating me, you little bastards!

He's aggravating me, the little bastard!

The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do.

Look what I'm drinking tonight.

Don't forget to wash your bottom.

I don't believe you. You're really a jackass.

Stop videotaping! Get out! Mom!

Stop! I swear... (ADAM GIGGLES)

(LAUGHS)

Surprise!