Original subtitles

I will climb the icy slopes of your indifference.

I will cross the barren desert of your skull.

You can barricade yourself behind the wall you've built inside your

mind. I can tell you this, you will love me.

Cause, woman, I know you.

I know how to reach you.

I know how to make you want to learn what I want to teach you.

And you see when I come on to you,

yeah, you come on to me.

I will climb the icy slopes of your indifference.

I will touch you where your memories are born.

You can try to run away and hide from everything you feel inside.

I can tell you this.

You will love me.

Cause, woman, I know you.

I know how to reach you.

I know how to make you want to learn what I want to teach you.

And you see, when I come on to you,

yeah, you come on to me.

You come on to me.

Yeah. You come on to me.

Yeah.

When will the story run, Mr. Bacon?

A week from Thursday.

Marvelous. Mr. Bacon, would you like another one of those?

Yes, Joe, please.

Right. And you, ma 'am?

A black and white with water.

Black and white with water. And you, ma 'am? The same, Joe.

The same. And you?

Skip me. I haven't finished this one. And you, sir?

Oh, no. I'm good. By the way, thanks for the mention in your column, Jim.

But please don't refer to me as handsome.

My wife might come back to me.

Come here. Excuse me. The dead are waking up.

You got a problem?

Why this little item?

That's your check.

Nine dollars for two beers.

Are you putting her drink on my check?

Well, ain't she with you?

I never saw her before in my life ever.

There seems to be the trouble, Jack.

He is putting your drinks on my check.

Maybe he's trying to fix you up.

I'm paying for my drinks only.

And I'll pay for my... A little commotion at the bar tonight, Joe?

Oh, pay no attention.

That was with a wife.

here last night and he picked her up. Took her to a hotel. In the morning,

practically threw each other out the window.

How can you permit such riffraff in this place of business?

That's the difference between that man and Luther Lucas.

They just don't make his kind anymore, you know? Was he that good?

Lucas could make out with... Any woman in the world. Married or single.

And we've got pictures.

There are no more like him around.

The guys today, they got no class, no imagination, you know? He had it all.

gave most of it away.

What was his real occupation?

Making love. That was his profession.

All the lovers of history, Don Juan, Anatole Casanova, they had nothing on

I don't know whether I'll get my readers to believe this.

Well, sign an oath in front of a notary.

You know, my greatest thrill was helping him score.

Estelle, how well did you know him? I was his social secretary.

And you?

I was Estelle's assistant.

And Bill and Jim, what'd you do? We rounded out the team.

Yeah, members of the seduction squad.

Let's take one of his first challenges.

We found her at a bank right here in town.

The moment Luther looked at her, he decided to skitter and stuff her and

her on the wall.

Where is she?

Well, hello? She's the one in the, in the... Never mind her. That's the one in

there. Window 8, Ramona Kent.

Thank you very much. Have a nice day.

Wow, she's a beauty.

Go get it. You have your hunting license. Now your trophy.

Well, let me at her.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. I'd like to make a small deposit, please.

have your deposit, please?

Would you make it out for me, please? Certainly, sir.

The name is Luther Lucas, account number 6509.

What amount, please?

Just $10 ,000.

Have you worked at the bank long, Miss... Oh, Miss Kent?

About a year. Why?

Nothing like helping your husband pay the rent.

I have no husband.

Well, you're not married. Then I can invite you.

Invite me to what?

Well, I'm giving a party tonight, and I very much would like you to come.

I'm sorry, sir. We never date our customers.

Oh. In that case, I'll withdraw my account.

Now that I'm no longer a customer, will you come?

Where did you say that party was?

I've just taken a new apartment over at the Sunbury Towers.

Our bank financed that building.

Is that right?

Well, you should be loyal to your bank then.

Should we say 7 o 'clock tonight? I'm sorry, I can't make it.

You have something better to do?

There's a Greta Garbo movie on television tonight.

I adore Greta Garbo. I wouldn't miss her for anything in the world.

She'll be at my party.

7 o 'clock tonight?

Apartment 1509.

Who's the flirt?

It was a customer.

Just invited me to a party at his house, and he said Greta Garbo was going to be

there. What?

Well, she's your favorite. Why don't you go?

Is it proper?

Just a moment.

How much did he deposit?

Ten thousand.

Very proper.

And if you don't go... I'll go. And if you two don't go, I'll go.

Hello, Mrs. Tackler. May I help you? I just want to make a small deposit.

May I help you, madam?

Oh, thank you, kind sir. That certainly is gracious of you.

He's the new doorman.

I don't know. They hired him this morning. He just came in from Argentina.

Why you been gone long? Why you been?

Why are we worried?

Not about you, about me. I was getting hungry.

I'll bet you've got good news for us.

She's coming to the party.

Well, was there ever any doubt, huh? Oh, when I saw that smile on her face, I

knew we were in. What an operator, huh?

Hey, now, wait a minute. Let's not celebrate. We're not there yet. Now,

got to rehearse this thing, all right? Oh, now, that looks good.

Sure does.

Matilda, tonight we're going to have Chateaubriand, baked potatoes, asparagus

with hollandaise sauce, and cordon bleu, 1965.

Go on.

Dinner will be for two only.

Just you and me?

What about them? Do we have to eat in our rooms?

I feel like an outcast.

I'll operate alone. She's a bank teller. They're suspicious.

That's what I like. A chick that's up to her ass in money.

She's not going to be easy.

Maybe that's why I can't get a guy.

I'm a vid pipe cinch. I want this done with style and subtlety. I want a lot of

laughter and gaiety.

You're going to play the piano, aren't you? Of course I'm going to play the

piano. You all are going to coax me.

Mr. Lucas, what will you be favoring us with? We got Chopin, we got Brahms, all

the guys.

Is that damn piano going to work? We had a guy working on it all morning. Just

press the switch. It'll play even if you're not sitting there. You sure this

thing's not going to conk out on us? Why not perform on it? He knocked off that

Chopin minute waltz in 30 seconds flat.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Well, answer it, Matilda.

And try and act like a maid for a change.

I'll try, but I'm so excited you'd think it was me going to get seduced.

Oh, good evening. Does Mr.

Luther Lucas live here?

Yes, go right on in, honey.

Miss Garbo's dying to meet you.

Good evening, Miss Kent. I'm so glad that you could come. Please let me

introduce you to some of my friends.

Sir Smedley VIII.

The Ninth.

Lord Cronjager.

What do you do?

Lady Davidson.

Enchanted and delighted, my dear.

Thank you.

And this, of course, is Greta Garbo.

How do you do?

You're not Garbo.

She and I have the same name. In fact, my family had it first.

Her family were the original Garbowitzes.

I'm sorry. I misunderstood.

My name used to be Elizabeth Taylor, but I had to change it. I was getting phone

calls from Richard Burton at four in the morning.

Why don't you get her autograph?

Your friends won't know the difference.

Forgive me, Miss Kent, if I have misled you. It's all right. Don't worry about

it. What would you like to drink?

I'd like a Cuba Libre, please.

Get Scott some water and like it.

So go on, Mary. You were telling me about your trip to the Azores.

It was too much, my dear.

You certainly are happy people.

These people are so hysterical, I've been laughing my ass off all day.

You still have a lot left, my dear.

Oh, I have a surprise, my dear.

We're going to hear some beautiful music.

Did someone play the piano?

Mr. Lucas, of course.

He used to give concerts.

In Europe, they ran after him.

As a matter of fact, they ripped his clothes right off his back, remember?

Oh, Sir William, I wish you hadn't mentioned that. Are you really that

I think he's good enough to play in Guy Lombardo's band.

Would you play for us, please, Mr. Lucas?

Please, Luther.

Oh, darling, please.

Come, Luther.

Come, come, boy. Oh, darling, do it.

All right, all right.

I haven't practiced in a week, but... Oh, good. Oh, isn't he marvelous?

Uh, forgive me, Miss Garbo, but is that phone call important?

I'm sorry, Luther. My baby's sick. The doctor's with him now. Oh, that's too

bad. I'll be right home. Goodbye.

The baby's sick?

What's the matter with him? He's running a fever.

Oh, all babies get sick.

I know when I was his age, I had diphtheria, measles, mumps, meningitis,

colitis, and heartburn.

I shan't be able to stay for dinner.

What a shame. And since I came in Sir Smedley's limousine, you shall have to

me home. My pleasure.

I believe I came in Sir Smedley's limousine also.

I came in Sir Smedley's limousine too.

Wait a minute. You mean you're all going to... Matilda, don't start dinner until

they return.

It's already on the table.

Au revoir, my dear.

You know I can't stay past 7 .15 tonight, Mr. Lucas. I have to go to

School? Uh, yes, she's working on her master's. She's going to be a school

teacher. It's part of the poverty program.

I got an exam tonight.

Are you going to pass it, Matilda?

Oh, my sister's doing it for me, and she better pass it. Well, they certainly

all ran out on you, didn't they?

Yeah, well, it's funny, but sometimes things never turn out the way you expect

them to.

Now, honey, you be sweet to my boss, and don't seduce him, because he's very

innocent. In fact, he's a square.

I'll be back in the morning to serve breakfast, both of you.

You'll have no problems, Mr. Lucas.

She's just joking, of course.

Would you help me with the salad, please?

By the way, Miss Kent, despite what my maid said, I don't intend to make any

passes at you, and I don't expect any from you.

Do we understand each other?

Perfectly. Fine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why are you doing that?

Why am I doing what?

You're trying to excite me, aren't you?

I am not. I was merely picking up the lemon.

You didn't have to bend over that far.

What did you want me to do? What?

In the future, Miss Kent.

If you drop something, allow me to pick it up. I do not want to think of you

sensually. I promise, Mr. Lucas, I will not get involved with you.

Good. Let's eat.

Just wait until you taste Matilda's cooking. Looks lovely.

You ever been in love?

I had a stupid romance once that went nowhere.

How come?

He went all to eat.

Did he take dope?

No, he was just a drunk, thank God.

Then he took to holding up banks.

He what?

Yeah, when he hit my branch, it was just a bit too much.

He came up to my window and passed me a note.

No kidding.

Yeah, gave him $3 ,000. He got caught before he went out the door.

I want to tell you, that turned me off men for a long time.

Well, I can certainly understand that.

So you have no one?

Oh, I have something.

What's that?

An unborn horse.

You're in love with an unborn horse?

Well, this customer at the bank has a race horse, the mare. He's in foal, and

bought the colt of the filly when it's born.

Was it expensive?

A thousand dollars. I gave him a hundred dollars down. I don't have to pay him

the rest when the horse is born.

What are you going to do with him?

I'm going to breed him and start my own racing stable.

How on earth are you going to... Paid for the horse.

Well, I have to get another job on Saturday and Sunday.

How lucky it was that you ran into me.

Why, what do you mean?

You won't have to work anymore.

I'll show you how to win at the races.

You win at the races?

I go there whenever I need money.

I seem to have this special knack.

Listen, I'm going tomorrow. It's a bank holiday with my girlfriend. Would you

like to join us?

Yes, it'd be my pleasure. Oh, that's marvelous.

I'll tell you how a winner operates.

All horses for the first race are on the track.

You ought to take it on the winner.

What number?

You ought to know. They're your horses.

Six is really a beautiful animal.

I love the brown one in the back.

I'll pick the horses, girls.

Are you really confident?

Of course.

Go ahead.

Oh, I don't need that.

Oh, hello.

What's he doing?

Leave him alone.

Is that the one?

Are you sure?

All right, if you say so.

Thank you.

I'll do it.

I'm going to buy each one of you a ticket.

Which one did he tell you to buy? Oh, I'm not allowed to tell until after the

race. I'll be right back.

Do you really think he communicates with another world?

I'll soon find out.

Give me two $5 tickets on number one.

Number two.

$100, please.

That's one way to get a winner.

You think of a better way?

Thanks.

Did you bet?

Of course I bet. On who?

You'll know soon enough.

Number three.

You didn't! I did.

I put each one of you a $5 ticket on.

My goodness.

I'll give you back your $5. I don't want to be obligated.

You're not obligated, my dear.

This is positively supernatural.

Does my guardian angel know or does he know?

This ticket is worth $100.

How about that?

Why don't you girls go and cash in the tickets while I try and call him again?

Do you need a dime?

Whatever. We'll be right back.

All right.

Give me all.

Never heard of anyone picking nine straight winners before.

You're uncanny.

I've got my horse.

I'm very happy for you.

He's going to be born this week, and I'm going to name him after you. Oh, you

needn't do that. Oh, I want to.

Luther Lucas, he's going to win a lot of races.

You're going to be famous, Mr. Lucas.

Where do you live, Sally?

Not too far from here. You can drop me off first.

Gosh, let me touch you.

What are you doing for dinner tonight?

I'm too excited to eat.

I'm going to have a bite to eat at my place. You want to watch me?

Sure.

Let's go.

I know you said you were too excited to eat, but I've been watching you.

I don't know. I just get around food and something happens.

A lot happens.

Luther, I insist on giving you half my horse.

He's all yours.

I don't want to own anything, because in time, the things you own begin to own

you. But my horse is very important to me.

Why?

Because he'll never hurt me, and he'll know how much I love him, and he'll love

me. What?

Is that all you've got to love, is an unborn horse?

It's better than some people I know.

Uh,

excuse me.

Yes, she is. Hold on for just a minute, please.

It's for you. How did they know where you were?

I told them.

Hello?

Really? Are you sure?

Well, that's wonderful.

It's a boy. He came just a little while ago.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you. He weighs 120 pounds.

Oh, you're a mother. I know.

Thank you very, very much. I'll be over and I'll pay you the rest of the money

in the morning.

This is the luckiest day of my life, thanks to you.

Oh, I didn't give birth to your horse.

No, but you made it all possible.

No, not really.

Oh, you just walked into my bank out of nowhere.

I was just meant to be.

Why did I ever make that promise to you?

Promise? What promise?

Oh, about us not getting involved.

Oh, you're not going to break it. No, no, no, no, but I'd like to. No, no, you

mustn't. I don't think I can help myself.

You must fight against it. Now, you're merely overcome because of your horse.

Oh, not really. Sometimes a person can be with a person for just a day and

Know what?

Know that things are right, that they feel right.

Do you think I'm being silly?

I think you're acting a little like a schoolgirl.

Why are you fighting me?

I'm trying to discourage you, my dear, for your own sake. You can't. I know how

I feel.

You don't even know me. But I want to get to know you, to be around you.

It wouldn't work.

Why not?

Well, the first thing you know is I'd become involved.

I'd get emotional.

I'd make a fool out of myself.

That's what love is.

Two people making fools out of themselves?

It might not even last.

Oh, who knows how long anything can last? Not even in marriage.

You don't want to get married?

Not especially.

This is a shock.

Am I being too aggressive?

Frankly, yes.

I'd like to get to know you a little bit better.

Does a person ever really get to know a person?

Not until they do something about it. I've got to do something about it.

Oh, God, please don't. I can't resist you.

Getting involved with a person is always so difficult. Oh, I know it is.

We'd have quarrels.

And then I'd get jealous.

Getting jealous is normal. That means you like the person.

Oh, and then I'd call you up and ask if you were out with other women.

Oh, yeah, and I probably would be.

But I'd lie to you, of course. I don't think you'd lie to me.

Maybe not.

And then you'd come into my bank and you'd ask for a change for a $100 bill,

I'd probably give you a change for $500.

Yeah, I wouldn't take it.

And then I'd want you to call me every morning before you went to work.

And if I missed a morning?

I'd get your money.

Oh.

Darling, do you realize what we're about to do?

Oh, all the time.

I didn't want this to happen.

Hello, Fanny. Hello.

I'm so glad you could come. Fanny, thank you for inviting us. Thank you for

inviting us.

I'm so glad you could come. Thank you for coming. Thank you, Fanny. Thank you

very much.

Who are they?

The Italian consulate, madam.

How did we get in here?

Count, the count.

Member of the Italian consulate?

My brother helps to clean the building. He appropriated the invitation.

Thank you.

Oh, God, I needed that, darling.

Oh, thank you.

Signorina, you are so beautiful. You remind me where I come from. Where do

you... Where do you come from?

Rome.

No, no, no. Can I have your autograph? Go away.

I never sign autographs. Go away.

What is that?

Chopped liver.

Chopped liver?

Am I at a Polish wedding?

Oh, Melissa, darling, I'm so glad you could come.

Fanny, I am furious with you. Why, Melissa, darling? You made me come all

way from Rome to meet this collection of freaks.

It's absolutely disgusting.

You told me this was going to be a very cheap party.

How could you subject me to this bargain basement mob?

You should cater a scavenger hunt.

Melissa, some very important people from the movie colony are here.

I'm going back to Rome in the morning.

Don't phone, write cable, or send smoke signals to me ever again.

Really, Melissa?

Something the matter, Melissa?

This woman brought me all the way from Rome to this snake pit.

I think it's a very nice party. You would.

Where are the men?

Look around.

I've looked around.

Those two are wearing rented tuxedos.

Where is my handbag? Oh, here it is. I have it right here, darling.

Oh, no.

Who ate my handbag?

You.

What are you eating?

Have you all been?

Are you sure you haven't been nibbling at my pocketbook?

I hope you choke on the bees.

Oh, my goodness.

Would you believe this?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Melissa.

Terribly sorry. Of course I'll pay for it. Forget it. It's probably the first

good meal he's had.

Look, perhaps you can get it turned back. You sew it back on your lampshade.

I've got to get out of here.

Is the action any better in Rome?

Have you ever been to Rome, Estelle?

Not yet. If you were to go, you'd never leave.

It is so stimulating.

I hear you fell in love in Rome.

Where did you hear that?

Vogue magazine did a story on you.

Oh, I never read stories about myself.

And that story was abominable.

I heard you fell in love with a certain king.

The king fell in love with me and got nowhere.

Even the queen tried to make me and she got nowhere.

At least the Italians have style.

Tell me, Melissa, have you ever met Luther Lucas?

What the hell is a Luther Lucas?

He's an Adonis. The most enchanting man on earth. You'd give up Rome, Paris,

London, all those icky places for just one evening with Luther Lucas.

That I don't believe.

Go away.

Perhaps you better not meet him then.

What does he do?

He doesn't do anything.

He's rich.

If he's a trifler, there's no way in the world I'll have an affair with him. You

are getting ahead of yourself, aren't you?

I was going to leave California tomorrow, but I think I'll stay over.

Arrange your dinner for tomorrow night, and I'll accept the match.

Have you ever lost?

Never.

You'll lose this one, my dear.

Would you like to wager? On something like that?

Why not?

All right.

Make it easy on yourself.

I'll wager $1 ,000 you cave in to him in one night.

Make it $2 ,000.

You're on.

I'll cut this hometown Romeo down to size.

May I have your autograph?

Good evening, Matilda.

Good evening, Estelle.

Why, it's nice seeing you. Thank you. Mr. Lucas at home? Yes, he's in his

bedroom getting dressed.

Matilda, this is Melissa Vandermeer. How do you do?

How do you do? Would you care for a drink?

Do you have Pinot?

Of course.

Make that two, Matilda.

How do you like the place?

Well, rather feminine, don't you think?

Well, that's how they do apartments in California.

Luther, dear, we're waiting.

Coming, Estelle.

Hello.

May I present Melissa Vandermeer. This is the great Luther Lucas.

How do you do, my dear?

How do you do?

Mr. Hill. Luther.

I invited Melissa up to dinner.

She was guest of honor last night at that party.

Oh, I'm so delighted.

Have you ordered drinks?

Yes. I'll get them.

Is he queer?

Not that I know of.

Well, if he's not gay, I'm Helen of Troy.

What the hell did you do to me?

Here are your drinkies.

Let's have a little toast to all three of us.

I got to get going, Mr. Lucas. I'm late for school.

Now, dinner's all ready, and all you folks got to do is go back there and get

it. Okay.

Ta -ta, Matilda. Ta -ta.

Ta -ta.

I'll serve the dinner.

I made most of it myself.

I even baked a cake.

Well... I'm afraid I'm going to have to be leaving, too.

Oh, must you, Estelle?

Are you going to leave me alone?

What are you afraid of?

My baby's sick.

You never told me you had a baby.

You never asked.

Enjoy each other.

Ta -ta.

Ta -ta, Estelle.

Dear, I've never been alone with a woman before.

Neither have I.

Well, let's make the best of it, shall we?

At least the dinner will be lovely.

Let's have a little chat.

What

are

you staring at?

I have no idea why she wanted us to meet.

Well, frankly, I wasn't expecting a girl.

Oh, if I had her here, I'd wring her neck.

You're a queer, aren't you?

I have no interest in fruit.

Well, you're terribly prejudiced. We have a place in the world, too.

Not with me.

I just came from my psychiatrist.

You think it's been a picnic for me?

These lonely nights?

The despair?

What has your psychiatrist done for you?

He says I had an overly protective mother, and when she died, I just wasn't

equipped to cope.

Mothers are always making swishes out of their sons.

Don't you say anything against my mother. She tried her very best.

Probably wanted a daughter.

My psychiatrist thinks I can be cured.

What's your psychiatrist's name, Dr. Miracle?

He says I must find a beautiful woman to have a relationship with. Even if I

have to force myself to have an affair with her. Then and only then will I be

able to regain my manliness.

Your doctor is suggesting mission impossible.

Dear, I paid him a lot of money. And you still don't like girls?

I feel I can open up to you even after these few moments.

Oh, God.

What am I going to do?

I'm a doomed man, you know. You've got to help me.

Please, don't slob on my new dress. Get off.

Would you consider taking me on as your experiment?

Guinea pigs, don't turn me on.

My psychiatrist said it would help.

Tell your psychiatrist to leave you alone.

You're much better off being a queer.

Well, my doctor says if I touch a woman like this... Feel anything?

Nope. Try the other one.

Doesn't do a thing for me.

I hope your cooking is good.

You're laughing at me.

Let's have dinner.

I am catching the midnight plane to Rome.

What a lovely dinner.

Thank you very much, my dear.

Cheers.

Would you call me a taxi, please?

You still refuse to help me?

If I could help you, I would.

But it's no use.

You haven't even tried.

What would you have me do?

You ought to know.

I've never been with a woman before.

What's the matter?

This is the damnedest situation I've faced in my life.

Well, then you ought to thank me. And I thought you'd be a challenge.

But I am. Don't you see that?

How the hell can I help you?

You're sensitive and beautiful and sophisticated.

That doesn't mean I'm the answer to your psychiatric problem.

But you could be.

Come with me.

Where are we going?

Where's your bedroom? Which one? Anyone.

In there. Oh, please be kind.

I feel as if I'm about to take my first parachute jump. You'll live, don't

worry. You can wear my favorite nightgown.

And if you can cure me, my psychiatrist would bless you.

If I can cure you, I'll write the distinguished service cross.

What are you going to do?

Don't be afraid.

I'm not going to hurt you.

You've never had a woman undress you before, have you?

Only my mother.

Feel anything?

Not yet.

Damn it.

I'll make a man out of you for the last thing I do.

I never thought it could be possible.

Neither did I.

You've changed my whole way of life.

You should be grateful.

Only you could have done it, darling.

You're the most wonderful lover I've had in my lifetime.

You never had your wires crossed.

I just thought you did.

It was my mother's fault.

I'm postponing my trip to Rome.

You'll need a few more treatments.

I don't want you to have a relapse.

Melissa, you've made a man out of me.

What are you doing?

I owe your friend $2 ,000.

What for?

Sometimes when you lose a wager, it's a pleasure to pay off.

And now, Dr. Sisters, renowned authority on marital problems, psychiatrist, and

author of the bestseller, Your Marriage Can Be Saved. I have saved 5

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If I can save your marriage, or you can stay married at least one year, our

sponsor will pay you a prize of $1 ,000.

Why are we watching this?

It's my favorite program.

This week's winning couple, Mr.

and Mrs.

Slovotny, have been invited to our studio.

So let them tell you how their marriage was saved.

Is this what you goons do in your spare time?

Thank you very much, Dr. Sisters, for saving our marriage.

And you sure help us a lot, Dr. Sisters.

How'd you two get on that show?

We wrote a letter.

What are you going to do with your $1 ,000?

We're going to use the money for our divorce.

And we certainly need it.

Why did you do that?

Because, Luther, Dr. Sisters is your next challenge.

Another marriage saved.

Until tomorrow, this is Dr. Sisters.

Good afternoon.

This building has so many patients, they have to sit in the hall.

You say you're from Vienna, Doctor? Ja, ja, all the way from Austria. Yes, we

came all the way from Austria. Very interesting.

People in Beverly Hills won't go to the toilet without checking with their head

trigger.

Lady down the hall, Doctor Sisters?

And so many patients, you'd think the whole world is nuts.

Our best sweet.

So, what would you say you've been doing with your life?

I've been seducing women.

What a dreadful waste. What did you get out of it?

Plenty. And you didn't feel any shame when you misled these girls?

Not at all.

This business of pretending to be a homosexual, tell me more about that.

Well, I wanted her desperately, and I felt it was the only way to gain her

sympathy. How old were you when you had your first affair?

How old were you?

Oh, I was about 16.

Let's not get personal.

Now I want you to tell me everything about your childhood.

Well, aren't you getting personal? I've got to get personal if I'm going to help

you. And I've got to become personal if I'm going to allow you to help me. What

you're doing is childish and immature.

Are you happy with your husband?

My husband and I are separated.

Doctor, you have such beautiful eyes.

How could your husband leave you?

I left him.

Why? He sat home and became the wife while I was out working. Would you say

he misled you before you got married?

He certainly did.

Filled Rosie dreams.

And then his relatives.

He had a fat sister like out of a horror movie.

What did this fat sister do? She was jealous of our marriage. She tried to

separate us and... Go on. One day I caught him.

With another woman.

You did?

And he felt no shame.

Bragged to me openly about it.

Oh, I shouldn't have told you. Oh, no, you must talk these things out, Doctor.

That's the only way you can understand your problem.

This big fat sister caused you to have quite a traumatic experience. It's a

wonder that you could work anymore at all after that.

Tell me more about this big fat sister.

Doctor, please, you mustn't break down.

This is my next patient.

She mustn't see me this way.

I'll stall her.

Are you the next patient?

Yes. The doctor will see you now. Thank you.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Miss Bryant.

Please lie down.

Thank you.

Who is that man?

What man?

Oh, that handsome man that just left.

Oh, just a patient.

Has he got money?

I suppose.

Can you introduce me? I'm not running an introduction club.

Let's get down to your problems.

If I could find a man like that, I'd give up sleeping around.

If you'd find a man like that, you'd be right back where you were.

Doctor, do you think you can cure me of my lymphomania?

Only you can cure yourself, Miss Bryant.

I'm not so sure I want to be cured.

What did the good doctor say about it?

She practically spanked me when I asked who you were.

Did she sound jealous?

I don't think she's interested in you.

Oh, it's too soon to tell you.

Is she buying your story?

Oh, all the way.

She thinks I'm the whore of Babylon.

I had her so crazy with the lurid descriptions of my sexual encounters.

I had her goggle -eyed with envy.

Where did you learn so much about sex?

I read bestsellers.

I'm staring at. Look who's over there.

Dr. Sisters.

There's a lady with her.

That's Dr. Sisters' sister.

Come on, let's get out of here. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't make it

obvious.

What about Estelle? The doctor knows her.

Estelle, you go wait in the ladies' room until we send for you.

The rest of us will meet in the parking lot.

Dr.

Sisters, what a coincidence.

It's nice seeing you here.

I'll have a glass of American sherry.

I'm feeling patriotic.

Yeah, I can see.

Send it into the ladies' room.

Okay. I'll be in one of the booths.

I'm wearing alligator shoes.

Thanks.

I'll look under.

Nice seeing you. See you tomorrow.

Bye -bye.

Who was that man?

Oh, just a patient of mine. What's his problem?

He's a little oversexed.

Give me his phone number, please.

Now, Mr. Lucas, let's start today's session without any nonsense.

Doctor, that girl that was in your waiting room yesterday, can I meet her?

I'm not your procurer, Mr. Lucas.

You were the one that told me to find a nice girl, settle down and get married.

That would be disastrous.

Like two sex maniacs at a Roman orgy.

What's wrong with her?

She is as immoral as you are.

Could you bring her up to my house tonight at 8 o 'clock?

For dinner?

That's so terribly unorthodox.

Did she ask about me?

As a matter of fact, she did.

Well, you see there, you'd be doing us both a favor.

All right, I'll do it.

But I'm certain you both will be disgusted with one another.

Oh, you're Dr. Sisters.

Is Mr. Lucas at home?

Yes, he's expecting you.

May I take your coat?

That's part of my suit.

Excuse me.

Hello, Mr. Lucas.

You've got a nice place.

Thank you very much. And who is this charming young lady?

Estelle Bryant.

Meet Luther Lucas.

How do you do? I saw you in the waiting room.

You flirted with me.

You think that was flirting? You should catch me when I really go.

Would you care for a drink?

Yes.

What are we having?

Blood plasma and vodka.

Mr. Lucas ordered it especially for you. Give you a real transfusion.

This is my favorite.

Doctor, I listen to you every day.

Thank you.

On the radio.

But I'm on television.

But I hear you on my radio.

She must have a short wave.

Dinner will be ready in just a moment.

I want you to know beforehand that I never introduce my patients to one

I don't believe in it.

Why not?

Well, it's terribly destructive. It could ruin everything that I'm trying to

for both of you. I could ruin them in my own way.

That's precisely what I'm afraid of. Last night I had a vision of you and me

bed together.

Are you good in bed?

Please, Miss Bryant.

My doctor, you told me to be honest with people, didn't you?

But you're blunt and impolite.

Do you think I'm impolite, Mr. Lucas?

I think you're absolutely fascinating.

Go ahead with your dream. What else was I doing to you?

Well, to begin with, as the doctor will tell you, I'm a nymphomaniac.

I am shocked at you, Miss Bryant.

Why should you be shocked, Doctor? You've heard it all.

I had no idea. A nymphomaniac.

There are too few of us in the world.

You too.

Oh, yes. We must thank the Lord for small favors.

Are you folks ready to eat now? Anything to interrupt this conversation.

By the way, Miss Bryant, you had a phone call from your doctor, and the news

ain't good.

Oh, no, not again.

What's the matter?

My baby's sick.

Oh, I didn't know you were married. I'm not.

Are you divorced?

I've never been married. Do you have to be married to have a baby?

I've got to go.

The poor kid's running a fever.

What are we going to do about dinner? Yes. Well, let the doctor eat my share.

But you can't leave.

Who says I can't? My baby comes first.

I've gone to all this trouble to set up dinner. Now you're going to leave me

alone with her?

Well, maybe she can amuse you.

You haven't been very amusing yourself.

Well, doctor, if that's the way you feel about it, I'm no longer your patient.

I was perfectly happy screwing around, and you made me feel guilty about it.

Here's my number.

If she can't cure me, maybe you can.

I can try.

She's a tart.

I'm going to marry that girl. Your what?

You heard me.

That's the most destructive thing you can do.

I don't agree.

She's completely liberated.

So you'll have a wife and a child that's not yours.

Where are you going, Matilda? You know where I'm going. I've got to go to

school. To school?

Yes, she's studying to be a schoolteacher. It's part of the poverty

Now dinner's all ready and ready to be served.

Good night.

Good night.

If you marry that woman, you're no longer my patient.

I'm surprised at you, Doctor. Do I want to marry her or why shouldn't I?

Suit yourself.

Goodbye, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, well, goodbye.

I'll find me a doctor who can erase my guilt feelings, not give them back to

You do that.

Oh, and before you go, I want you to know something. You've said it all.

Well, I haven't said this.

I'm going to kill myself.

Go ahead.

You didn't think I meant it, did you?

Do something.

Help me.

Call a doctor.

I'm going to call the coroner, and you better be dead when he arrives.

Dr. Braunschweiger is here.

Good to move. Thank you very much.

Good morning, Dr.

Braunschweiger here. I have just opened the office next door to you. And perhaps

I thought I could be of some help to you.

Yes, I've heard.

Where did you practice, doctor?

Vienna, mostly.

In Wien?

Villanueva in Wien?

Vienna, you know, is the home of psychoanalysis. Of course, I know that.

You know, Doctor, I would be glad to fill in for you on your time off, you

Then you're fully accredited.

Surely you're just as me.

Fully, fully.

And I might add that we have heard a lot, a good deal of you in Vienna too,

Doctor. Thank you.

Vielleicht können Sie für mich am Mittwoch übernehmen.

I said maybe you could take over for me on Wednesday.

Wednesday? Ah, it's a good day. My pleasure. My pleasure for Wednesday,

You know, Doctor, I sincerely believe that every analyst should continue his

analysis. Oh, yes. You think so? Oh, of course. Of course.

So then, of course, if you should have any problems or should need any help,

analysis of sorts, you know that I will treat you for free.

Funny you should mention it.

Sit down, Doctor.

Mr. Lucas is here, Doctor.

What can I do for you, Mr. Lucas?

I want to come back, Doctor.

But strictly as a patient.

Why me?

There's a new doctor next door from Vienna. Maybe he can help you.

I want only you.

Our relationship would be entirely professional.

I have a new problem now, doctor.

What sort of problem?

I want you to help me get over you.

And you're going to pay me for that?

One hundred dollars an hour.

If you can make me get you out of my system. How am I going to do that?

Well, you're the doctor.

Talk me out of you.

I am selfish.

I am mean.

I am moody. I'm impossible.

Are you frigid?

Oh, yes, terribly.

You haven't met the right man yet.

Sorry to interrupt.

May I see you for a moment, Doctor? Certainly.

What is it? Doctor, you must have dinner with me tonight. What for?

With that patient that you have on the couch right now.

has invited me to his house for dinner tonight, and I don't dare go up there

alone. It could become violent or something.

You can handle it. No, no, no.

He wants me to blame you. Me.

Everything is going to be all right. I am going to be the chaperone. What can

do to us?

All right. Okay. I'll be there at 8 o 'clock. Good evening. Good evening,

Doctor. Won't you please come in? Thank you very much.

Come in and sit down, please. A nice hallway, yes.

Big enough to hold a Shrine's convention in.

Sit, please.

Sit? I hate to sit, it's so clean.

Sit, yeah, sit.

So, here we are.

Now, what seems here to be the trouble?

He says he's in love with me.

He says he's in love with me. Doctor, all the patients fall in love with the

analyst. Normal, normal.

I want her. Doctor,

I really think this is going too far.

You should see how far we go in Vienna.

Not as far as he's trying to go in America.

You haven't even given me a chance to start you. Can't we change the subject?

Doctor, I have come up here, Doctor, to help you. Help me? He's the one that

needs help. Don't be so sure, Doctor. Don't be so sure. Be in my office

morning at 9 .30.

You're in major trouble, doctor. Major trouble.

What about dinner? Dinner. I'm too upset to have dinner.

Do you have a doggy bag? No, no. Dinner.

We have to... Oh, yeah.

I'll go now.

Going to go now.

If I give you any more advice, I'm going to have to send you both a bill.

All right.

Wiedersehen. Well, I trust my patient is in good hands, huh?

Wiedersehen.

Why do you insist on all this fantasy?

What fantasy?

Dr.

Braunschweiger is a fake.

What?

I knew he wasn't a psychiatrist the first moment I talked to him.

I played it through to see how far you would go.

Well, I must have been terribly involved with you if I'd go to all this trouble.

I had to think of some way to get you back up here, and that was the only way

could think of to do it.

You wanted intrigue, so I gave you intrigue.

You are a cave.

Well, you're a doctor. Cure me.

I have to cure myself.

You're a pianist.

Piano is my life.

And I fell in love with you. Is that so awful?

He didn't have to go through all this trouble.

Anyone who plays the piano the way you do.

You like the way I play?

Piano does something to me.

It does?

I had no idea you were a musician.

Doctor, I need you.

Me? Yes, you.

I've been searching all my life for the right girl, and here she was, right

before me, in the doctor's office.

The girl I asked to find me a girl was the girl that I wanted all the time.

You're insane.

No, no, I want to live again.

Mr. Lucas. Let me go to my grave with one last memory of you in my arms.

You did Larry.

No, no, I owe you my life. I fell in love with you.

I thought you were going to marry Miss Bryant.

How could I marry Miss Bryant after knowing you?

What's that?

Just the piano.

But it's playing without you.

I gave it lessons.

No, Mr. Bernstein, I can't use that ost anymore.

There's one on the back wall that is really terrible.

I'd sell it for a dollar if I could, but to whom?

Tell the artist to start painting bananas or something.

Goodbye. Huh? Do you like this?

Hmm?

Come on, come on, come on.

Good kid, good kid.

You like this painting, sir?

Yes, it's marvelous.

The brushwork, the lines.

Do you want to buy it? I'm not really a buyer.

Oh, you're not.

No, no.

I'm a painter.

Oh, have I seen your work?

No one has seen my work. I wasn't ready.

Luther,

Luther.

How many pictures have you done?

Eleven.

Oh. I'm looking for a gallery for my debut.

Um, what kind of pictures are they?

I work on girls, mostly.

Oh, how long have you been at it?

All of my life.

I've studied in Paris, Rome, Madrid, Tahiti.

Tahiti. You know, Gauguin painted in Tahiti.

I rented the same little hut.

Oh, gee, that must have been thrilling.

Just being there was enough.

Do you take on new painters?

It's one of the reasons I'm in this business.

I would like you to visit my studio.

No, you bring the pictures here tomorrow and I'd be happy to look at them.

Eleven canvases. I couldn't get them in my car.

Well, where's your studio?

It's not far from here. The Sunbury Towers.

No, I've had a... I've had a long day. Really, I have.

What time do you close?

Six o 'clock.

It's six o 'clock now.

Why do you hesitate, Miss... Brinkman.

Nell Brinkman. Are you a good artist?

You tell me.

My car is right outside.

You don't expect me to leave my gallery just like that?

Do you want to see my work or do you not?

I may have a buyer for that painting over there.

You know someone?

I know lots of people.

Okay, but I'm not promising anything until I see those pictures.

All right. We're both gambling on each other.

That's marvelous.

Marvelous.

You can tell just like that?

I don't need ten years.

Oh, and it's incredible.

I mean, it's amazing. I've never seen such a style.

Oh, oh, what a blend of colors.

It's glorious.

Of course these pictures will sell.

I'd be happy to give you a showing.

Miss Brinkman, you have made my day.

I think this has been a lucky day for both of us.

My God.

What? Why didn't I see it sooner?

See what?

What? You see these other 11 girls?

Yeah. You!

are going to be number 12.

Me? Yes, you. You and only you.

I'm not a model.

When I get through, you will be the greatest model an artist could have.

But why do you need 12?

I must have an even dozen.

I'm superstitious.

Oh, my God.

Just stand there a minute.

You won't have to pose for long.

Modigliani used to... Knock off a picture in an hour. Will you work that

Faster.

You're absolutely mad.

You have just paid me the ultimate compliment.

Where do you want me?

This will be a nude.

A nude?

Yes, of course.

How nude?

But I'm...

I'm not too sure about my body.

You leave your body to me.

You'll make up for the deficiencies?

When I get through, there won't be any.

Where do I go?

The powder room is off the hallway.

Here's a fig leaf.

There's a robe in there, your size.

I've never posed in the news for a man before.

Never?

No. Well, not posed.

Miss Brinkman, this time, you'll just pose.

You also play.

Yes. One can paint. One should also be able to play the piano.

I must have a photograph of you. Just sit right there on the edge of the

You paint from photographs?

Of course. So did Monet, Leclerc, Cezanne. And now Lucas.

Turn your body, please.

Okay. Let's try one where I see more of you.

Take off the robe, please.

Just pull it back a little bit. Yeah.

Let's do one more.

Take the scarf off.

Gorgeous. Don't move.

Get rid of the scarf.

Would you please get rid of that stupid scarf?

Beautiful, beautiful.

Take the robe down.

Off the shoulders.

It's off the shoulders.

Now pull it down a little bit more. Oh, that's fine.

Let's try one where I see more of your... Oh, that's perfect.

Okay. All right. Now look up. I want to see your eyes.

Your eyes. Look.

Oh, my God. Yes.

Okay, now try all the way all together now.

More, more. Oh, I love that. Beautiful, beautiful.

Now, one more. Now, look. Look just above my head now. Look. Oh, you look

Madonna. Oh, that's delightful. Try it without the fig leaf.

Without the fig leaf?

Take the fig leaf away.

Yes, yes. Uh -huh.

Pull the rope back up. Drop the rope.

Oh, that's very nice.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, marvelous.

Magnificent. You look so much better undressed.

Are you expecting a guest?

No, it's just an art dealer from France. I'll be right back.

Mr. Lucas, you forget the appointment?

I wasn't sure that you would come, Mr. Devereaux.

All the way from Paris, eh? Where are the paintings?

All over. Oh, yes.

By the way, this is Miss Brinkman. I am not interested in live ones, no.

I will count them. There's one, there's two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Eleven? Well, I was meant to understand it was going to be twelve.

Monsieur Devereaux? Oui?

She is number twelve.

She? Of course. Well, you don't have to make an exact likeness. You can take

liberties. We don't like pornography.

Well, monsieur?

Well, what?

Well, what do you think?

Ah, what do I think?

You must give me some time to think. I just come off the plane, you know. The

altitude, the oxygen, the food, the stewardess. No, no, no, no, no. You must

give me some time, after all.

All right, I will take all of them to Paris. To Paris?

Certainement. I will give you a down payment for all of them.

Girls, my dear colleague.

Girls is what the Frenchman loves best.

Now wait just a minute. You promised me those pictures for my gallery.

Catchy American phrase. Who the hell are you?

I happen to own an art gallery on La Cienega Boulevard.

La Cienega? To La Cienega? How gosh.

What does California know about art?

Sir, I'll have you know that California is just as important to art as any other

place. Mademoiselle.

I did not come all the way from Paris to argue with a woman who cannot afford a

dress. Mr. Lucas, you can't go back on your word.

Mademoiselle, you have a big mouth.

Monsieur, I will have the men pick up the paintings in one hour.

Mr. Lucas, you can't. We made an arrangement.

Monsieur Devereux, parlez -vous français?

No, I don't.

I must have more time.

Well, I will leave next week.

On a Saturday. And if by Saturday you have not put her on the canvas, I will

take just 11 with me. After all, there's nothing wrong with 11.

It's still a lucky number on the dice table, huh? Au revoir.

Oh, the nerve of that man.

Are you going to give him the pictures?

I don't know what to do.

Well, until you make up your mind, I suggest you get yourself another model.

This is my son. He's never on when you want him.

Hello, Guido. It's you again.

What do you want at this time?

Can you do a nude picture of this girl for me?

She takes a big fig leaf. It's going to take a long time.

Time? You did those other 11 pictures in 11 days. I wasn't inspired.

I was a little crazy. This week, I'm not so crazy.

Guido, I've got to have it right away.

You wanted this to look like Michelangelo or Gauguin?

Gauguin.

Gauguin is going to cost you an extra $50.

All right, when can I pick it up?

Give me about a week.

What? You finished it?

How did you do it so soon?

I'll be over tomorrow.

How did you do it?

Well, the photographs helped a little.

So that's how I look.

Well, that's how I see you.

Excuse me.

Yeah, hello.

Ah, Monsieur Devereaux.

Him again?

Monsieur Devereaux, I have made my decision. I am giving the pictures to

Brinkman for her gallery.

And the same to you, monsieur.

Bravo, you trust me?

Oh, Luther.

May I call you Luther?

If you wish.

I kind of wish you wouldn't sell this portrait.

Why not?

Well, the thought of me hanging on some strange wall with people staring at my

naked body.

No, it has to be in my house.

Are you suggesting that I give it to you?

No, no, I'll pay whatever the other pictures command.

Wait a minute.

What? Well, now that I see you, there's some changes that I have to... Okay, but

we have to hurry. I've got a surprise for you.

You do? Mm -hmm. I've scheduled your exhibition for Monday night. I've

all the critics and the art crowd.

So soon?

Oh, you've got to strike while the iron's hot.

I'm trying to.

By Monday night, you should be on your way.

Might be sooner.

Not bad.

Are you referring to me?

I'm referring to that, madam.

Oh, it's fabulous, isn't it?

Where's your name?

Name's Schoenberg.

What do you do?

I'm a painter.

Can you do my kitchen?

I know you.

You're hung all over.

Tell me, Mr. Schoenberg, do you do nude?

Of course I do.

Could you do my husband sometime?

I've never seen him undressed, and I'm a bit curious.

My pleasure, madame.

Merci.

Well,

what did I tell you?

They like my work.

They love it.

Let you look at it. Are you going to allow her to do this to you?

All the important West Coast critics are here.

In France, mademoiselle, I could have made him a big man.

In France, they would hang him. In the Louvre, in the Louvre, in the Louvre.

going to make the presentation now.

Mr. Lucas.

Guido.

Surprised?

No, I'm delighted.

So am I.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have your attention?

Lovers of art, distinguished critics, and friends.

I wish to announce that the Luther Lucas exhibit is a complete sellout.

And I wish to present Mr.

Luther Lucas himself.

Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You're much too kind.

But I have a confession to make.

I have perpetrated a hoax on all of you.

This is the damnedest debut I've ever seen.

Why can't he keep his mouth shut?

I did not create these masterpieces.

And I cannot accept your acclaim because I hired that little man standing

right over there, Guido D 'Angelo, an unknown but great artist, to do

these pictures for me.

Guido, please step up here.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

As long as he's telling the truth, I'm going to tell the truth too.

I did not paint those pictures either.

Well, who in the hell did to them?

My son, Toulouse.

Toulouse, come, baby.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

I do now.

Merci, Papa.

Ladies and gentlemen, my son.

Madame, merci beaucoup.

My son doesn't speak English.

He was raised in France.

Toulouse, I am commissioning you for 100 more pictures.

And I commission him to paint.

200 pictures. Besides that, I will take him back to France with me. Pierre.

Oui. Pick up and deliver.

Oh,

Miss Brinkman.

I was just passing by.

Don't lie to him. This is such a pleasant surprise.

I hope so.

I came for my picture.

Or rather, Toulouse's picture.

It's no longer here.

What? I sold it.

You sold it? It was mine.

No. It wasn't yours.

I bought it. I paid his father for it. You had no right to sell that picture.

Why not?

It was a picture of me.

Well, get Toulouse to paint you another one. He's in Paris studying the Trek.

It's too bad.

What am I going to do?

I fell in love with that picture.

You fell in love with a picture of yourself?

No, it wasn't vanity.

It was the first time an artist caught the girl I wanted to be.

Well, you wouldn't understand.

I'm sorry, but it's sold.

Whom did you sell it to?

I sold it to a woman. She lives in the apartment right next door.

Well, get her in here. I'll buy it back from her.

She might not want to sell. Well, try.

All right, I'll try.

But I don't think it'll do any good.

Where are you going? You know where I'm going. I'm going to school.

All you do is come in here and eat lunch and leave.

That's why I took the job.

Uh, hello, Mrs. Hanelman.

Yes, this is Luther Lucas.

The man who sold you the picture.

Yes, that's right. I wonder if you could do me a favor and step in here for a

minute.

Fine, thank you.

She'll be right in.

I've got to get it back.

Well, there's some things in life you can't have.

Mr. Lucas wanted to see me.

Mrs. Handelman is here.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, Mrs. Handelman.

You know that picture that I sold you?

Oh, that beautiful girl.

Well, this girl would like to buy it. Why? Was the model a friend of yours?

This is the model.

Yes. That girl is you?

Can you see why she would like to buy it?

I wouldn't dare sell it.

Oh, madam, I'll give you double what you paid for it.

Miss, um, what did you say your name was?

Brinkman. Miss Klinkman, I told my boyfriend it was a picture of me taken

years ago.

And he believed you?

Who cares? It turns him on.

I'll give you anything you want.

Miss Pinkelman, I happen to own this apartment building.

Now, do I need your money? I need a boyfriend.

And I need that picture because he fell for it.

Every time he kisses me, he turns my back to the wall and he looks at that

picture. And then he gets so aroused, it helps him to love me.

And I don't even mind that.

Stella!

Stella!

I'm thinking you come back in one minute.

What's that?

Who do you think that is?

It's Miss Kinky and she wants my picture, the one you stare at all night.

Oh, that picture really worked for us.

Oh, that picture wears me out. Oh, come on, sadly.

Oh, let's look at it again.

Oh, duration is delayed.

Here's the picture.

You need it more than...

If it lights a fire under their bed, how can I take it away from them?

Well, it was nice knowing you, Nell.

Is that how you're going to dismiss me?

I was hoping I'd see more of you.

Since I've seen all of you, I... You know, I think you pretended to be an

to impress me.

It's true.

I did like you.

You've been through an awful lot. I'd like to make it up to you.

Forget it.

You've had a tragic experience.

Please, don't feel sorry for me. I'm grateful to you.

You found me a marvelous artist.

Glad I could do something right.

You know, it took a lot of courage to tell all in public.

I knew it would ruin our relationship, but I just couldn't live a lie.

How many men would bear their soul?

Not very many.

Your powder room still in the same place?

Just off the hallway.

Why? What are you going to do?

I'm going to pose for you.

What for? You know I can't paint.

Who asked you to paint?

Where were we, Miss Falkham?

Having seduced four women, he now meets his biggest challenge.

Ah, yes. Let's continue.

There isn't a woman in the world who can't be seduced.

The trick in the art of seduction is working on your opponent until...

Until she, in fact, seduces you.

Have you got that down?

What is your first name, Miss Walson?

Pamela. Oh, that's right. You told me that this morning.

Like 15 times.

I'm terribly sorry. I'm awful on names. I understand.

How do you like my book so far?

Well, this hero of yours is quite a bastard.

A bastard?

In what way?

He seduces four women and then he drops them like hot potatoes.

Do you think the readers go to root for him?

I'm telling a true story. But I knew the guy.

Where is he now?

In a hospital?

May I ask you... May I ask you a... May I ask

you a personal question, Miss Wilson?

Go right ahead.

Have you...

Ever been seduced?

Thank God, no.

And I don't intend to be.

You mean you're a virgin?

Isn't that rather personal?

I happen to be one, and I am proud of it.

That fascinates me. Why should it?

I intend to get married one day, and my husband will be first.

Good thinking.

Shall we get back to the book?

The book? Oh, the book, of course, of course.

You've got 23 chapters there, all telling the male reader how to do

things to women.

It's educational, don't you think?

I think it's disgusting.

Isn't there anything about the book that you like?

Sex fiends will love it.

Good, good.

Oh.

And remember that experience with the psychiatrist, where he confesses

everything to her, and then they do those things to each other together.

I don't believe that could happen.

Mr. Lucas, the lady's here for your massage.

It's five o 'clock, Mr. Lucas. Weren't you expecting me? Oh, this is my

masseuse. This is my secretary, Miss Balsam. I almost forgot about my

appointment. Should I be leaving, Mr. Lucas?

No, just grab your shorthand book and follow us.

Come on, Hilda.

You came just in time, Hilda. I need some relief.

I'll relieve you. Where do you want me?

Over there. You won't be in my day.

Where did we leave off?

Let me see.

Oh, yeah. In chapter 16, the boy says to the girl... Just relax.

Right. No, no. You said the trick in the art of seduction.

Tricks? You're writing about tricks?

Never mind. Just take this down.

All animals need love in order to survive.

Even insects.

Who's to say one ant can't love another ant?

My uncle loved my aunt.

Don't help us, will you please, Hilda? Sorry.

This your new book, Mr. Lucas?

Yes. It's going to be dirty?

Ask her.

What do you think, miss?

Well, let's just say it's going to be commercial.

Oh, commercial.

That's dirty.

Hilda, where are you going?

Did you used to work in one of those massage parlors? Just about a year.

I got busted.

Shall we go on?

Take this down. Our lady Nightingale has been swept up by our Lothario.

She falls into his arms as they both leap into bed.

Wonderful. This book will be nice and dirty.

Is there anything dirty about love?

The way I do it, there is.

Turn over.

What a body.

Read back to me.

What a body.

You're taking down her dialogue.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hilda, you mustn't talk when I'm dictating.

Sorry. Now, where were we?

Hilda, you mustn't talk.

Well, I'm dictating. Oh, my God.

Hilda, how much longer are you going to be?

Okay, you can get up now, beautiful.

You want to turn your head, Miss Bolson? I already have, Mr. Lucas.

Say, how about giving my secretary a massage, Hilda, huh?

From Deluxe, I fear she could use it. On the table, honey.

I don't want a massage.

Ma 'am, I am not being paid to get a massage.

I'm paying for it. What are you worried about? I don't believe in massages.

Please. I don't believe in...

On the table, honey. Besides, he's looking at me.

I'll leave the room.

Ow, please.

You're going to prevent a poor, hard -working masseuse from making a living?

I need milk for my babies.

I'm not stopping your babies from drinking milk.

Actually, I came up here to type only.

You take coffee break, don't you? Well, just massage break.

Ever had to massage?

Never.

Oh, oh, oh.

Who's playing the piano?

Mr. Lucas.

Didn't you know he was great pianist?

My goodness.

That's Chopin.

He used to give concerts.

He plays beautifully.

Ow! I see you're not used to massage.

Massage is very good. In Sweden, we all take massage.

That's why we're all healthy.

You finished yet?

Almost.

She's going to be able to work overtime. She'll be so healthy.

Good.

Okay, you can get off now.

With him around?

I'll look around the other way. Put the sheep around you, honey.

I'll pick up the table tomorrow, same time. The dog.

Where are they?

Quick! Not the arm or the broad!

What is this? You know very well what this is. This man is my husband, and

got the evidence on him now.

But darling, this is my secretary.

And she's dressed for work.

Wait till I show these pictures to the judge.

Thank you very much. Let's go, Herman.

See how lucky you are?

My pictures are going to be in all the papers.

Maybe you'll get a movie offer.

I don't want a movie offer.

I want to get out of here.

Your agent, Benny, is here, and I'm going to school.

Luther! Benny, what are you doing here?

Now, Luther, what have you been doing all day?

Working.

Hard, I see.

Have you finished the book? Yes.

And you've registered the book, of course.

I got so hung up with working, I forgot about it.

Luther, are you out of your mind? You know what happened to you with your last

secretary. She stole the idea.

Then she and the boyfriend went carousing all over France on your money.

I didn't think about that.

Who is she? Where did you get her from?

I got her from the agency.

Just like the last one. Sweet looks, anything, but in that little brain,

wheels are always turning, turning.

And, Benny, I'm sure I can trust her.

I wouldn't even trust Shakespeare. You know, he's been known to steal quite a

few things himself.

What will I do?

You got yourself in, you get yourself out. Oh, I got to be going. What am I

doing? Where are you going?

I have to go to the hospital.

My mother -in -law is having a lobotomy, and I'm thinking of having one myself.

Keep in touch, huh?

Oh, boy, what a mess.

I shouldn't have dictated any of the book to you before registering at first.

What does that mean?

It means that I have to get up the first thing in the morning and go down and

register the book before you get there. Me?

You think I'm going to fear your idea?

I can't take any chances.

What do you have in mind?

You'll have to stay here overnight.

That's impossible.

Don't worry about it. You can sleep in the other bedroom, and you can lock the

door. And in the morning, you wait there while I go down and register the book.

Mr. Lucas, I'm leaving now.

Oh, no, you're not.

Kidnap her. Call it whatever you want. When my book becomes a hit, then you'll

understand.

Compromise!

Miss Balsam, I have a confession to make to you.

I'm not interested.

I happen to be a virgin myself.

I couldn't care less.

Are you going to let me out of this room?

Where do you live?

With a girlfriend.

Well, call her and tell her you're on an assignment out of town. But don't give

her any signals.

She's not home now.

All right, well, finish getting dressed.

Thank you.

I'm going to make us a scotch and soda to relieve your tension.

I don't drink anymore.

Anymore?

I used to be an alcoholic.

Alcoholic? I thought you were a virgin.

One thing has nothing to do with the other.

Then I'm going to make a drink for me.

I'd like my paycheck before I go, please.

You'll get it.

Have one little drink. I don't care to get started again, thank you.

Oh, go on. One little sip just to relax your nerves.

No. Oh, go ahead.

No. Oh, come on.

No.

Go ahead.

You feel better now, don't you?

Much better.

for a year.

You're entitled to a vacation.

No, I'll get drunk.

On one drink?

Then I'll have another.

Why not?

Miss Balsam, do you like piano? I love piano. You play beautifully.

I heard you in the other room.

I'll play something else for you then. Do you like Chopin, Brahms, Tchaikovsky?

I don't specialize in that.

I have a stereo.

What did you do that for?

You're beginning to lose yourself.

It's marvelous music.

Listen, Miss Balsam, I've thought it all over and I'm going to let you go home

after all.

I'm going to trust you.

You're kicking me out.

You're the one that wanted to go. Now, go and finish getting dressed.

I am dressed.

Could I have one more drink? You've had enough.

You look much better that way.

Goodbye, Mr. Lucas.

Goodbye, Miss Boston.

I'll mail you your check.

Where's your car?

Downstairs with the doorman.

You're in no shape to drive. I'll take you home.

I can drive.

Sure, you can drive a nail right into your car.

Now, where did you say you lived?

In a house.

Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere.

What street?

It's got trees and a corner.

Oh, well, that's progress. We'll just look for a street with a corner.

Right.

This street has a lot of corners on it, okay? Just pick out the corner that you

live on.

There are more corners.

Now, look, we've been to three places before. Where do you live?

That's where I live. I'm sure of it.

Miss Balsam, that's a police station.

I don't care what it is.

That's where I live.

Are you on probation?

Something the matter?

No, nothing, officer. It's my wife. She's just had a very bad day. Well, you

better take her on home.

I'm not his wife.

Smells like a distillery in there.

Better give him a sobriety test.

Yeah. You, would you get out of the car, please?

Me? Yes, you.

Come on. Out, out, out. Here you go. Hurry it up. Hurry it up. Let's go.

go. Now, I want you to walk that line, please.

Walk that line.

Right there.

Oh, fuck, though. Oh, come on. I just tripped, fellas.

He's in no condition to drive.

Better run him in.

Oh, he looks like a nice guy. Let his wife drive him home, huh?

Well, uh...

Look, we're going to let you go, but you're going to have to let your wife

you home.

What? Madam, would you please slide over and get behind the wheel?

I'd be delighted.

All right, in you go. Come on, come on, come on. You're making a dreadful

mistake. No mistake. You should be glad we didn't run you in.

And you're lucky your wife's driving you. She's going to save your life.

You think we did the right thing?

Better let me drive.

You're the policeman.

You're in no shape to drive.

I've got to find out where you live.

Where's your license?

In my bag.

Where's your bag?

Look in there.

How could it be in there? This is my car.

You can pick up your car tomorrow in my garage.

Now, where do you live, Miss Balsam?

You're shouting at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I remember where you live now.

I'll take you home.

Did you do anything to me?

No. Are you sure you didn't do anything to me?

Does it feel like it?

I don't know what it's about to feel like.

You're still untouched, unfortunately.

Get over here. Let me drive.

You sure this is where you live?

Of course I know my walk and I know my door.

Where did you get my key?

Oh, it fell out of your pocket.

Oh.

Thank you.

I've had a lovely day. Good night.

Night.

Where are you going?

I just thought I'd help you get undressed.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm going right to bed and you've got to go home.

Can't I just stay for a few minutes?

No, my girlfriend will be home soon.

She mustn't find me with this strange man.

Even for a little while?

Absolutely not.

Okay. I'll go home then.

Good night. Good night.

Is that you, Harriet?

Yes, dear.

I've had the craziest experience tonight.

This writer is a cuckoo.

What are you doing here?

My house burned down.

You can just go to a hotel.

Listen, I'm going to get you some coffee and sober you up.

I'm not drunk.

Let's just say you're thirsty.

I never felt bad.

Do you know where you are?

My God!

In your apartment!

In your bedroom.

What time is it?

It's two o 'clock in the morning.

You can stay here for the rest of the night. You'll be safe.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to call a friend.

A friend? What kind of a friend?

A girlfriend.

You're going to have another girl up here?

Miss Balsam, you're acting like a jealous sweetheart.

You're not supposed to have another woman here while I'm here.

Just close your doors. We won't bother you.

You mean you'd rather be with another woman than me?

Well, you don't want me.

Excuse me. I'm going to make that phone call.

No, don't.

Why not?

I don't know.

What's this woman like?

She's a woman of the world.

I know so very little that she'll show me everything.

Don't go with her, please.

Why?

I don't know. It sounds crazy, but ever since I've been with you, I've gone

through the most insane things.

And I find myself liking it and liking you, too, damn it.

Me? Why?

You're different.

What's so different about me?

I don't know. You just are.

I've never met anyone like you. Oh, come on, now. There are lots like me around.

I know we're just two first -timers.

If I were going to do anything, it would be with somebody like you.

You're much too aggressive.

I don't know very much.

Neither do I.

We'll have to teach each other.

Can I ask you a favor?

What is it?

Do you mind if we do it with our clothes on?

Where is he now?

He vanished.

Not a trace.

Yeah, just dropped out of our lives.

Why would a man make love his life's work?

Why do men climb Mount Everest?

A toast.

To Luther Lucas, the last of the romantic men.

Here we go.

Have you gotten big? You've changed. It's been a long time.

Here. Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Daddy.

You haven't changed. You're still beautiful.

Oh, I read your new book.

Already? I only sent it to you last week. It reads easily.

How to Duke the Woman.

I like the title.

I think it's what the public wants.

I suppose so.

I did use a lot of imagination.

Getting jealous is normal. That means you like a person. And then I'd probably

call you up and ask if you were out with other women. Yeah, and I probably would

be. Spend much money?

Remember that big advance the publisher gave me?

I spent it all.

What's that?

Just the piano.

But it's playing without you.

I gave it lessons.

Did you work very hard?

Hard?

Almost broke my back.

You're the most wonderful lover I've had in my lifetime.

You'll need a few more treatments.

I don't want you to have a relapse.

I'm really tired. I can imagine.

Writing a book must be exhausting.

Marvel!

Magnificent! Oh, you look like a Madonna.

Lady Godiva.

You look so much better undressed.

Well, let's hope your new book keeps you home for a while.

So, you know, I think I'm going to write about family life for a change.

We

have

some catching up to do.

Cause, woman, I know you.

I know how to reach you.

I know how to make you want to learn what I want to teach you.

And you see, when I come on to you,

yeah, you come on to me.

Thank you.