Original subtitles

Dear God, can I please, please, just once,

find someone to love? A nice girl, you know, with a kind smile.

The goal in life is to help children, not blow some famous hockey player. Good

cook, great hugger, nice tush. I wouldn't mind if she read a lot of

A little I can laugh with. Belly button ring. You know, I'm wishy -washy on

that. I'm going to go with you on that, God.

But you see everything, right? There's no secrets here.

You've seen what I've been doing alone here. It's not worth it to keep that up.

For your own sake, you probably don't want to feed that up. Girl who wants to

travel. I love to travel.

Oh, me too. Have you ever considered a timeshare? Uh, what? I have lots of

options. Okay, so you brought some paperwork for the date.

A good spooner. Girl who likes movies.

A pretty good dancer. Someone who isn't on crystal meth.

I only do coke when I'm, like, really depressed.

Or, like, Tuesdays.

A college -educated would be nice. Someone who likes sports.

An innie, preferably.

I'm not picky, but just, I don't know, like a redhead, a fiery redhead.

Why aren't you drinking? Uh, no, my sponsor told me to stop after four.

Ow. Bag.

Mommet boy. A girl who's experimental in the fact, but not in an intimidating

way.

Excuse me, are you crying?

Yeah.

You remind me so much of my father.

Also, please let her be smoking hot.

Okay, thanks. I'm the lead in my school play. You should totally come. How old

are you again?

18. 18? In three months.

Gwen, my God.

You're so wonderful.

Finally, the first normal girl in Los Angeles.

I love you, Grant.

I love you.

Um, but there's something I need to tell you.

Sure, anything.

What? Oh!

Following them for weeks. Here they are. There they are, right there. You have

just committed extreme adultery. What do you have to say for yourself? I did

not. I did not.

Extreme.

There he is. Get off.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one -horse open sleigh.

Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the

way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one -horse open sleigh.

Guys? Doug?

Doug? Oh, hey, Doug. What are you doing?

Playing Scary Bunny.

Yeah, you almost got me that time. What's the score now?

Zero to 12. Right.

So, how was your date with Gwen?

I've had worse.

See?

You thought it was going to be terrible, you old cynic.

I think I have to fire Moe. No, we are not firing Moe. Moe's my friend and an

elderly person and a retired postal worker. He's a good guy. Christmas is in

days, all right? The way he's going won't be done until Cinco de Mayo. It is

time, all right? Business first.

Hey, Moe!

Moe, over here.

Good, yes, look.

It's not working out. Hop back on the trolley and head to the home, okay? It's

bingo night. Good for you.

Fine, he can stay.

You can stay, Mo!

Hey, your dad called yesterday.

Yesterday? What did he say? Don't worry.

I wrote it down on a post -it note.

In my head.

Hold, please.

I can't find it.

But you should call him because it sounded pretty important.

They think I'm spending Christmas in that asylum with them?

They are crazy. You should be happy you have parents.

The only thing I'm happy about is that they live 2 ,000 miles away.

Did you let someone in? Maybe Terry the homeless guy.

He wouldn't come in unless we invited him.

Let's do this.

That's really going to do some damage. What?

It's got a pointy tip. It's like a shiv.

Not in the crotch. Just get a real weapon and then hide.

That's a good idea.

Sneak attack.

Like Red Dawn.

Listen up, asshole.

I got a shotgun and no compunction about blowing your head off.

Yeah, and I got a box of cannolis, and I'm not afraid to use them.

Cannolis?

Hey, Juji.

You pop up.

Surprise, that kiddo.

What are you doing here? I'm here for Christmas. Open up. Wait, what did you

say? I'm here for the holidays.

I want to hang with my boy. Yeah, come on. Open this cage. I feel like an

out here.

Where's mom?

Mom's with her sister. Come on, come on, come on. Open this thing.

How many days did you say you were going to stay? What is this, frigging

Homeland Security?

Open this cage, buddy.

I had three cheeseburgers before. I got a dump coming to sink the Titanic. Come

on.

Oh, God.

It's so good to see you. Oh, God.

You know, I drove 48 hours straight. My aunt is killing me just to be with you.

All right.

It's so good to be with family, though.

Oh, yeah. No one messes with us, bitch.

Heal. Heal.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Doug.

Yeah, he works for me, Dad.

And I'm your best friend, and I'm his best friend. No, you're a friend. And

vice president of sales, marketing, research, development, marketing, and

here at Happy Holidays Warehouse, where all your holiday custom needs are

serviced. And I sleep on his couch.

Congratulations.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. So how long are you in for? Don't

worry about me.

I got my own air mattress. I'm fine.

Show me my room, man. Show me my room. Hey, VP, get my luggage.

This is kind of the busiest time of year. Yeah, no problem. I'll help. No,

let me do it. Let me do it. I can do it.

Hello. Happy holidays. This is happy holidays.

Can I help you? Who is this?

Some Russian nut. I don't know.

Mr. Lubitsch.

Hello. Yes, I'm so sorry about that. Ah, Mr. Helietti.

Are you on the drugs?

Ah, no, no, sir. No, I am paying clean.

I run a very reputable business. I just wanted to let you know I've got the

cashier's check ready, and I can't wait to give it to you.

Mr. Lubitsch?

Hello?

Tomorrow. Okay.

But no drugs.

No drugs.

Okay, Dad, can you just do me a favor and never talk to that man again?

Who, the commie? No, Mr.

Lubitsch. He just... paranoid Russian nut job. It's taken me two years to get

him to trust me enough to give me the thing. What thing?

I'm buying an Imperial Fabergé Christmas egg from him for $150 ,000, and then

I'm selling it for $2 million.

$2 million?

Seriously?

Yeah. Wow.

You take after your old man. We should do some business. Yeah, except for that

this is real. It's not like you're fishing on a stick debacle. That idea

ahead of its time. You know, you sound like your mother. Yeah, what did you say

Mom was again?

You know...

Let's go get a drink. I could use a drink. Come on. Let's do it. I don't

go out, Dad. Come on. One drink.

What are you, an elf?

Pussy, let's go.

Hey, what did you say? Marmalade again?

Let's not talk about unpleasant things.

Okay, what's going on? Nothing.

Nothing's going on. Everything's good, really.

You just show up here unannounced. You got... Fine, fine. Look, you want to

my balls?

Look, I didn't want to ruin Christmas for you, all right? Oh, gee, you could

never ruin a Christmas. But the fact of the matter is, your mom and I, we're

getting a divorce, but it's not a big deal, really, is it?

You're getting a divorce?

It's no big deal. Son, let me explain something to you, all right?

Women are like bananas, all right? When you first get them, they're all

beautiful and yellow with a little hint of green, and then they start to ripen,

and they get all brown and mushy, and believe me, son, nobody wants to eat

banana, so... Ipso facto, our marriage is better than telco's nothing.

That's it.

Whoa, hey, hey.

What happened?

What did you do?

Me? I didn't do nothing.

Ask her.

She's the one that ran away with the Krav Maga instructor, Eduardo.

Eduardo? Who's Eduardo?

Grant? Grant's here. It's Mom.

Tried your cell. Didn't work. Neither does mine. The reception here is shit.

Did I wake you?

Yes, you did.

I was having a good dream, too. I was dreaming I had a three -foot -long

Who is this?

This is Doug.

Where's Grant?

He went out with his dad.

Jerry is there?

Yeah. I broke a manure on his head, but he was still down to party.

Doug, I want you to give Grant a very clear message, okay?

Tell him not to believe anything his father says until he speaks to me.

You are frazzled and tense.

I will relax you.

Come on.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Let's go find some fresh bananas.

Look at the malonies on those two.

Papa's going to get us laid tonight.

Drinks, please.

Four tequilas. Thank you.

Look, are you sure you don't want to talk about this?

I don't want to talk. What's done is done. No, really.

Dad, I'm telling you, you're really hurting.

I'm fine, all right? I'm really, I'm okay.

End of conversation, all right? I'm doing good.

Can I get those shots?

Yeah, I can tell you're in perfect mental health.

So, uh, which one do you want? The blonde or the brunette? I'll take either

Oh, neither.

I'm kind of through with love.

Through with love? You're a young man.

Yeah, but what's the point, right? I mean, you and Mom can't make it. What

chance do I have? This is the best time of your life.

This is it. Oh, God, don't say that. Really, a man of your age should be

sex at least twice a day with every type of woman on the planet.

Island women, Eskimos, Swedes with blonde muffs, Brazilians with no muffs.

no muffs, please. Besides, it's bad for your health. You know how much semen you

got stored up in your pecker? My pecker is my business. Please don't. Thank you.

Yeah? Well, get ready, kiddo, because you are about to lose some serious

I'm going in.

Jerry Coletti, nice to meet you.

I'm a major producer here in Hollywood.

Hola, this is Rose.

I'll leave you a message.

Hey, Ma.

I'm also in the fish book. What is going on with you and Dad?

I mean, he shows up out of nowhere and he's ranting about bananas and semen. I

create fish dishes that no one has ever conceived of before.

Give me a call as soon as you get this. Anyway, nice talking to you.

All right, bye.

It's great.

How'd it go, Maverick?

Place sucks.

Let's go someplace else.

Welcome to my world.

Woo!

Nothing like the comfort of a good city bar, huh, son?

I don't usually come to places like this. Why not?

This is art.

I'll get you a lap band.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're going to have to go through this midlife crisis

without me. Come on, relax.

Enjoy yourself. Don't touch me.

Don't touch me. We're bonding.

We're bonding.

This is officially the creepiest moment of my life.

Lose some money? There's an ATM right there. I don't believe in ATMs. Come on,

come on.

All righty, sure.

There you go.

And I've got something for you.

See how he did that? Right down the middle. Yes, I saw that.

Happy Hanukkah and happy Kwanzaa. God bless you, baby.

Hey, I'm trying to watch the Muff Channel here in peace and quiet, huh?

you and your boyfriend there could shut your mouths or maybe we could come over

there and shut them for you. Yeah? Yeah. Well, he happens to be my son, asshole.

And he's straight.

You are, aren't you?

Yeah. Yes, I am.

I am.

All right, all right, all right.

Gentlemen, get your hands out of your pants and put them together for our new

gal. She's a little nervous, so let's give her a great big warm welcome.

Here's the fire.

here because i got fired from the starbucks which was oh don't even ask

cares just show us your tits yeah come on baby show us your tits one at a

time that is just plain rude show some skin little

girl give them their money's worth get off the stage you stupid bitch

City, city. Hey, hey, show some respect.

Sorry,

Mr. Kuznets.

For a guy who couldn't see, your husband was a great worker.

Is there anything we can do?

Tell me, how did he die?

Packing a baby Jesus and some star bone peanut.

He so loved the holidays.

Would you like to keep the baby Jesus?

No.

We're Jewish.

Uh, Doug.

Doug, can you get a menorah, three dreidels, and a Hanukkah Harry?

Okay. Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Jesus.

Rest in peace, soldier.

How about a corned beef stew?

I can't eat.

We've got a pile of shipping and all my help is headed to the graveyard.

Relax.

Papa's got it all taken care of.

Who's that?

Darlene Pickett. That's right. Candle making, auto repair, chicken plucking.

It's a very eclectic resume.

Why, thank you, Grant.

That is so sweet of you. And let me just say to you both, thank you so much for

your help the other night with that fuss.

Woo! We got ourselves into a hot mess there, didn't we?

Sapphire?

That's right. Well, the actual name is Darlene. It's nice to officially meet

you. Yeah, I didn't recognize you without the, um, nighty... Oh, why,

I suppose I do look a little different.

You know, I thought I could do it. I really did. I thought I could. Turns out

can't shimmy the twins and Abe Lincoln for just anybody.

Abe Lincoln.

So now you're here for some reason.

We were chatting last night in the parking lot while you were dealing with

security guy paying him off. Sorry about that. But your daddy here, he told me

about your troubles, so here I am to help out.

And I'll do anything that doesn't involve illegal firearms, webcams, or

frying. Oh, and I don't take smoking breaks, but I do take sunshine breaks.

you're funny.

She's great. Isn't she great?

Oh, thank you. That's so sweet.

Can I ask you a question?

Darlene, have you ever been convicted of any crimes?

No,

Grant.

No, I have not. No.

Not moonshine smuggling or cow tipping. Hey, what's the matter with you? I'm

just interviewing her. What are you doing? You're acting like an educated

There's no way to treat a lady. Stop it.

Sweetheart, are you married?

No. No, I'm not. Really? Are you seeing anyone?

Well, now, that really isn't any of your business.

I only ask because it's on the form. I have to fill out for the government's

form. Well.

If you must know, I'm on a man fact.

Really? I'm on a woman fact.

I can tell because you've got that whole I'm cute, but I've got real issues with

women thing going on. I don't have any issues with women.

What I meant was, if you were in a relationship, you probably wouldn't be

strip club with your... Oh, no, no, no.

He dragged me there. What are you talking about, I dragged you there?

I'm from out of town. How would I know where to find his people? You knew

exactly where you were going. I didn't know. What are you talking about? He

tells me, he says, Dad, you've got to go to this place.

It's called the Champagne Room.

He says, we'll get happy endings.

Happy endings? I've never said anything like that.

I've never said happy endings in my life. He said that, and he also said, he

said, Dad, you've got to come to this place. It's Titty City.

You're a liar.

I never say that. You're a liar. Rudeness.

Yeah, I don't think this is going to work out. I really don't. No, no. Very

meeting you. Thank you, Jerry, for all your help.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Y 'all be sweet.

Ow! You little bastard.

Ow! I changed your shit diapers.

Ow! You can do this for me, right? Do it for me. Okay, ow!

Ow! Darlene!

Darlene! Um, uh, can you, can you rap?

Better than unwrap.

Quick. Look at that bean.

Look at that stuff.

Look at her ass.

She is hired. Come on.

How's ten bucks an hour?

Fifteen. Fifteen sounds great. Twelve.

Deal.

That's okay.

Doug,

she smells like vanilla bean ice cream. Hey.

So... Jerry, I should probably get to work.

You know, I just got a divorce.

Oh, dear. Really?

That's terrible, Jerry. I'm so sorry.

Well, I should probably get to work, and I can't work with you standing there.

Of course, of course, absolutely.

Anyway, I just want to welcome you aboard.

Well, thank you. Thank you so much. Hello, Mr. Harrington.

Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that I will have the egg by tomorrow, so...

So,

yeah, so if you could just... Wednesday will be mine.

Uh, um, uh, so I... Me? Um, yeah, yeah, so, uh,

Wednesday would be great. Uh, three, two or three. Could you just hold on one

second? Can I help you? You're in my drawers.

Well, there's not much in there.

Ah, what do you need? I need some tape.

Christmas. And just wait now.

Oh,

yay, thank you. No problem.

Uh, um... Um, uh, yes.

Sorry. So I'll see you in three days.

Okay.

Bye, Mr. Harrington.

Miss Pickett, um, you're going to be working here. I think that there's

something we need to clear up.

Uh, you are smart and beautiful.

Uh, and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I think there might be a

attraction between us. Am I off?

Go on.

But love is an impossibility.

Yeah, maybe in the old days love had a chance, you know, when the punishment

divorce was being stoned to death. But now, I mean, what's the point in even

trying? For instance, my parents, all right? I thought they had something

And you know what? Poof, it's gone.

Do you know any couple that's been together for more than one month?

My Aunt Polly and Uncle Homer. They have 16 kids together. 16!

Yeah, but are they happy?

He's too busy having babies, you think?

You know,

I think you're right.

Love simply does not exist.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, you can't trust anything anymore. The news,

politicians. Hell, even my soap lies to me when it tells me it's going to take

years off my face. Yeah, it does. So how am I supposed to trust some goo -goo

-eye boy when he tells me that he loves me? This is my point. This is exactly my

point. I know.

They say that 50 % of marriages end in divorce. 50 %! I think it has got to be

more like 90, don't you think?

100%. Screw love! Yeah, screw it right into the ground. I am glad we had this

talk. Me too. Thank you, Miss Pickett. You as well. Great work. All right.

Hey, how do I look, baby?

Like a... Bounce her in a Persian nightclub.

What did you do to your hair, pops?

No, no, no, don't touch, don't touch. This cost me a lot of money. It washes

out, it washes out. It's all like the younger, right?

Yeah, yeah, like Hugh Hefner's nutsack. Yeah, screw you. She's going to love it,

man. She's going to love it. More boxes, y 'all.

Look at her.

She's an angel sent by God to raise my spirit, among other things. Come on. Put

your dilly down. Let's go.

Just leave her be, okay, Pop?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Just because you swore off women doesn't mean I...

She's young enough to be your daughter.

What are you, my priest?

Wait a second.

Are you interested in her?

No. No way.

That's good, because I saw her first.

Well, be my guest.

Thank you, I will. Hey, now that you stand a chance in hell, your dating shop

was in 1975.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You know what I did in 1975?

What? I banged every waitress at Studio 54.

Seriously? Twice.

Just leave her alone, okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this leave her alone? If you don't care, then

why are you yapping your mouth? Why are you yapping your mouth? So shut your

mouth. Maybe you should shut your mouth. Shut your big mouth. All right, I'll

shut up. You go show her at the club Ahmed, okay? Nice highlight.

Who is this handsome thing before me?

Tell the truth. I'm hot, right?

Of course, Jane.

And I'm vaguely Persian.

Your ex -wife has no idea what she's missing.

Yeah, well, fuck her. Pardon my French.

Wow. This is beautiful. Cheers.

What are you doing?

Look at him.

She's a nice girl and he's treating her like a piece of meat. Believe it or not,

my dad was quite a coxswain back in the day.

Wait, do you like her?

Like her? No, no, no.

I don't trust her. I think she's playing my dad.

So, where are you off to looking so fun?

Only to the hottest club in Hollywood, and I would like you to be my date.

Oh.

Oh, well, Jerry, I don't mix business and pleasure.

Hey, baby, I don't work at this shithole.

I'm all pleasure.

Oh, is that so?

Dude,

your dad is going to boom, darling.

I could use a little fun in my life. I really could.

All right.

It's a date. It's a date.

Plus,

there's a favor I've been meaning to ask you. Ooh, ask away.

I knew it.

I love what you do with your hair.

You're dead. He is the cops.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Momento mate.

Momento mate.

Five bucks.

It's all for you, my man.

All for you.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

He's way too old for her.

I agree.

Hey, is that Kate?

Grant, it's Kate!

Ah!

This is Billy.

We're going to cat see ya. Billy loves the oysters.

Good seeing ya. Yeah. Bye.

Did you see the size of the rope around that guy's neck?

One thing, it wasn't that big of a chain. It's the biggest chain I've ever

Screw it, Ari.

I got a plan. I come up with ideas for fish that no one's thought of before.

fish ideas? Just fish? All fish, but it's amazing what you can do with fish.

It really is. People don't do enough with fish. Excuse me, can I just talk to

you for a second? No, you can't.

Let me just talk to you for one second.

No, no, thank you, no. I think I've already paid your mortgage, so no, thank

you. I'm sorry, I hate when they do that.

Oh, hell no. No, no, no, no. The old geezer was a stretch.

Oh, come on. Pretty please.

Baby, unless these guys have girls as cute as you, they ain't getting that.

Will they do?

Hi.

I hope you don't mind.

I'm not a secret.

I don't mind.

Sorry, Willie. I don't mind. Thank you.

Jerry, come on.

Oh,

lesbians.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I'm going to save the old man.

I'm going to stay here and watch this.

More.

Hey, Mr. Roboto, you're embarrassing yourself.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's see what you got, all right, buddy?

Take it away. The dance floor is yours.

I don't dance.

Oh, come on.

Boring.

Hey. Hey.

Can I have your attention, please?

Hey, hey, Beardo, could you do me a favor, man? I can't dance to this creepy

stuff. Could you play something, like, for my generation, something I can

to? No.

This is a nightclub.

All right. You won't do it for me?

Maybe you'll do it for Mr. George Washington and his twin, Mr.

George Washington?

Thanks, baby.

And look.

Whatever you do, make it hot. Hot. Like really sexy. Got a really hot chick out

there. Sexy, okay?

Sexy. Sexy. You want sexy?

Sexy. Sexy.

Okay. Love you. All right. All right. I got something for you.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

Nice. A little space here, kids. I don't want you to get hurt.

Just give me a little space. Back off.

Here we go.

Oh, my God.

Out of the question. Why not?

Because she's playing you, Dad.

She's an angel.

Uh, she's a stripper. Hey, don't judge her.

Look, if she stays with us, she's going to split our throats and rob us blind.

You know, what are you, insane?

Am I insane?

Am I insane?

Okay, how about this? Uh, yeah, I dated a girl for about three months, things

were going great, and then suddenly one day I wake up and she's gone and so is

all my shit and someone took a dump in the sink. So maybe I'm insane, yeah.

You know, you do have issues with women. No way. You can't live with them. They

look like the dirty Sanchez type.

That dumb guy was the kind of guy that would give you girl masks.

Oh, my God.

Or a Colombian hot pocket. Oh!

Love it. Look, I know that you're going through a tough time, but I'm not going

to let you get played, Dad.

Don't you see, son?

I want to be played.

I want to be fondled. She likes me. God smiles upon me. Let me have this, son,

please.

It's a dying man's wish.

You're not dying.

Your mother, she killed me.

Grant's phone.

Oh, hold the hug.

Where's Grant?

Roof? You are a bad person.

You broke a good man's heart and Grant's too. How dare...

Doug, you imbecile. I'm calling from Mexico.

Yes, Grant.

This is an emergency.

Please. I am standing in chicken shit. Now, just put them on the phone.

No, I will not put them on the phone. Do you know why?

Because they're with gorgeous hotties right now.

What?

Oh.

You tell them I'm coming to Los Angeles. Capisce?

No. You are not welcome in Los Angeles.

It's not true.

What are you doing?

The damn jeans made my butt itch.

Could you not rub your ass on my sheets? Go to the couch.

Oh, Doug's on the couch. It's okay. It's okay.

It's all right. It's good now. It's good. It's good.

It was a great plan. It really worked.

So she's not ready to sleep with me tonight.

So tomorrow night, you get the air mattress, I get Abe Lincoln.

Sleep tight, Chooch. I love you, buddy. Oh, don't touch me. Good night.

Good night.

A little night music for you.

A gentleman always announces his fail.

What are you doing?

Come take a look if you must.

Well, husbandry?

What the hell is that?

What? You're in college?

I am. Don't sound so shocked.

You're in college.

Say it again and I'll zap you.

Why didn't you say anything?

Would you move, please? I am taking a test and it is timed.

Okay.

I'm not gonna puke.

I'm not gonna... Oh, God. Oh, God, help me.

You have to be so secretive. I wouldn't let you use the computer. I don't tell

anybody about this, not even my closest friends.

Why not?

Because if I fail, it's just going to be another one of Darlene Pickett's dumb

dreams. Now, just hush up, okay? I'm trying to concentrate here.

What is that, like a water bottle?

It's a betoniac.

Subspecies Bosgrunius mutus.

In Mongolia, yak milk is most commonly used as an aphrodisiac.

And the male yak, the bull, he meets with hundreds and hundreds of cows,

sometimes wearing out his sex organs.

Some yaks have all the luck.

Oh, you got it right.

How do you like that? You know a lot about yaks. I'm impressed.

You think you know a person.

Yeah, too true.

Too true. Like, I thought you were a real good guy when you punched out that

jerk at the strip club.

But it turns out you're just a creep worthy of being tased.

That's only because I thought I saw you on cops.

Oh, oh, I love this one.

Lupus Canis of the Order of Carnivora.

She's a ferocious, ferocious killer.

Yeah. Merciless, Hunter.

But when she finds her mate, she loves him for life.

How do they find each other?

They're drawn to the smell of each other's butts.

If only we're that easy with humans.

Sometimes it is.

They're the people I've smelled.

You're a curious man, Grant.

You were young and successful, and yet you're still so depressed.

You're a thousand scuppernogs.

Well, I guess if you don't have someone to share it with, it doesn't mean so

much.

I try not to be.

All right. Well, I will leave you to your test. Oh, okay. Thank you. Okay.

Good night.

Jesus.

Where were you?

In the bathroom.

Oh, no, you weren't in the bathroom.

Doug's in the bathroom.

And I know because I went down there.

And while I was down there, I heard two little elves chattering away in the

office. No.

Oh, yeah, you don't know what you think they were talking about.

Aphrodisiacs and mutual butt -sniffing?

It's not what you think. Oh, it's what I think, all right. What do you think,

I'm an idiot?

Let me tell you something, little man.

Papa's onto you. I'm watching every move you make. You understand me?

The Russians are going to be here any minute now.

Goodness gracious, Aunt Matilda, that does not look good.

No. Shit, he needs help, eh? He's extremely dehydrated.

We need an ambulance.

No, no, no, no ambulances, no. No, no, the Russians need an ambulance.

I'm going to lose him, I'll never get him back. He's like a frightened

chihuahua. You know, just fix him.

What, me?

What? I can't fix him, I'm not even a vet.

You know animals.

You, an animal.

I do know how to hydrate a horse.

Come on, hang in there, buddy.

Use your legs,

son. When you're lifting, always lift.

All right.

Get me a mallet, a pitcher of water, two cups of salt, and a funnel.

You think I'm going to let you be the hero?

He's my friend.

What are you doing?

I'm checking his level of dehydration.

Like that?

Works on horses. Oh, good night in the morning. It's worse than I thought.

Put the phone on his mouth.

Give me it. I'll do it. I'll do it. You'll kill him. Okay,

fine. I was going to get to you anyway.

Poor.

You take care of him, we'll take care of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go play with

the rag.

Check his reflexes.

Mr. Lubitsch! Hello! Ah, hello!

Hey, I'm so glad you could make it.

Why are you shouting?

Oh, I'm not shouting. It's just the acoustics. The acoustics in here.

Why are you sweating? I'll be right back, okay? You just relax, okay? Hang

tight.

Check the reflexes.

Gary, what are you doing to me?

What are you doing?

What the hell is this? We're just testing his reflexes. All right, just

him. Here we go.

We'll be right down, Mr. Lubitsch. Come on.

Don't yell at me. Y 'all don't know that I do it myself. Come on, darling,

please. Give me another chance. No, no, no. I can do it. He is my friend. I am

doomed. All right, then. Take off his pants and then take off his shorts.

Big pardon? Well, he's not taking it orally, so we have to hydrate him

He's your friend.

Excuse me.

Gee, okay.

My dog is sick, so I'm just taking care of that. I will be right back, okay?

Okay, great.

These drugs.

Grant, spread his cheeks.

I'll just actually clean and then separate.

Go in.

Go in.

I can't. I can't. I cannot do this.

Be a man.

Yeah. Pussy.

Okay.

All right, Dougie.

I owe you one. Here it comes.

There's lots of gifts. You got it?

A little too much.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here we go.

Wow, all right.

Seems to be taking it.

Go, Doug, go.

Mr. Colletti.

Hmm.

Something's blocking it. Check the funnel.

Yeah, Dad, check the funnel. I'm not checking any funnel. You check the

I'm not checking the funnel. I'm not checking the funnel. No, I'm not. You

and check the funnel.

No, no, it's just water. It's just water. It's just water. We're fine. But

smells like shit!

Oh, we smell like shit!

Jody and shit!

I can't go in there. I'm covered in shit!

We have shit water! Here's the check.

Oh, it's in my pocket.

Who are you? I am Darlene. It is so nice to meet you.

Would you like some sweet tea?

What's she doing?

I don't know. But he's talking.

Let's go get something. Right this way, sir.

I mean, you saved Doug's life. You saved mine.

You're pretty special, Darlene. How did you get the Russian to give you that egg

anyway? Oh, just a little sweet tea and southern charm.

Well, I've been trying to charm him for two years.

Well, I did have to tell him that was your engagement present to me. He liked

that real good. Really?

Man is clearly an idiot.

I don't know.

Anything could happen.

Excuse me.

Yeah, I was just wondering, we're taking a poll.

How long have you been married?

20 years.

Wow, congratulations.

Thank you. Good for you. Are you two still as sweet on each other as you

Yeah.

Very much so.

Cheers. Cheers.

Yeah, but Grant was always a little off, you know, ruled when he was a kid, and

we almost sent you to a special school. Do you remember that, son? No, no, I

don't remember that, weirdly enough.

I bet you were very cute, though, when you were a kid. Oh, well, I don't know

about that.

Oh, come on. Who could be cuter? Well, I was voted Miss Beer Bait and Ammo when

I was nine. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, who else would win? Oh, well, I had a little tiara that had little

hooks. It was made out of hooks and little plastic worms. Really? Did you

little diamonds on them and stuff like that? No, just hooks and worms. I loved

that little crown.

You must have been adorable.

Hey, you want to see cute?

I got video on this kid that you will adore.

You wrote whole movies?

I've just committed extreme adultery. What do you have to say for yourself?

I did not. I did not. There he is. Bring him in. Bring him in right here.

Get off me. Get off me, you hussy.

I am not a hussy. Don't call me that. You kind of are.

This is the best part.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Okay. Well, hold on now. So you slept with a married woman?

A television?

Grant!

It was only the one time.

Hey, Jack, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?

You have got to stop. What? Stop what? This insane rivalry.

Oh, this isn't a rivalry, son.

To have a rivalry, you have to have a worthy opponent.

One of us should step aside before this gets ugly. I totally agree.

I think it should be you. Oh, what a surprise. How generous of you. You can't

win. Oh, I can, huh?

Maloki! I'll put a maloki on your ass. Don't you point your maloki at me. All

I'm saying is this is a young girl. She's going to want a young guy, not

woman who's old and decrepit.

Seasons and experience, son.

You are looking at the Clint Eastwood of pussy.

I am like a Chinese acrobat in the sack.

Dad,

look, I think I really like her. Oh, so now you love her Prince of Prozac? I was

on that for one month. Wait, maybe you should go back on it. You know that?

You're becoming a real bummer. And I'll tell you something else.

You don't know the first thing about love.

Well, how could I with parents like you? You and Mom never loved each other. You

don't know anything about what your mother and I had. I grew up in that

You and Mom, it was all bullshit.

I'm sorry, Pop.

You know, you just... Get your hands off me, Fredo. I see what's going on here.

There's two of us and one of her.

So may the best man win.

Bitch.

Chooch Right

about

now Darlene, we're gonna slow it down a little bit just for you little down

-tempo number Silent night Holy night

All is calm

We're celebrating Kwanzaa. Join us. Join us.

Join us. I prefer the man -eye steamroller version.

Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree.

Great

job.

That's the end of that, though, I think.

at the old fart sack.

Yeah. Friggin' cat.

Damn! Clutch!

Come on, come on.

Ta -da!

Peering over there and down here. Those things.

Where's Tankles?

Who's Tankles? Oh, the cat?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I just was making all that up.

She's okay.

I think.

Ouch! My goodness!

Oh! What did you do there?

I looked for Grant.

Grant put me up to it. He did all this?

Well, I did all of it, but it was Grant's idea.

You should go up there.

You should go up there. Really?

Go up there. Here, give me this. Okay. Go.

Are you sure?

Yeah, go.

God, please don't let me screw this up.

Y 'all are a screwy bunch, you know that?

Oh, we were normal before you got here. Well, I don't believe that for two

seconds.

Thank you.

Cheers.

You seem like you might actually be happy.

Is that because of me or that silly egg?

Both.

What are you going to do with all that money?

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah.

I'm going to move into this old mansion up in Washington.

Some guy built it back in the 1920s.

It's got a moat, and it's surrounded by 150 acres of mountain forest.

I'm gonna move there next month.

Really?

Wow. That sounds like a castle.

You gonna live there all alone?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

I hate cities. I hate people. It's perfect.

Of course, uh...

If you wanted to come visit.

Really?

Here.

May I have this dance?

I thought you didn't dance.

Oh, a fast dance, no. Slow dance.

Yeah.

For a nut cake.

Darlene.

Darlene.

Darlene. Eduardo.

Eduardo. The Pacific Corps is probably living in Washington.

And I'm supposed to go into the wilderness for three whole months to

them.

Well, if you want to, you could just stay at the mansion while you do your

thing. Oh, no, no, no, no. I...

I wouldn't want to impose on you.

That's not imposing. No, I've got like 15 rooms. No, we'll make one of frog

rooms. No problem.

Really? Yes. No, please.

No, we'll have frog legs for dinner. It'll be great.

Oh, come on now. You sure you wouldn't mind a cow tipping redneck in your fancy

castle?

Look, I'm so sorry that I said those things.

I'm so sorry.

You're honest.

You're smart.

You're funny. You're beautiful.

Graham.

and why is my heart popping out of my chest?

It doesn't feel more like a pain.

Just because we haven't, you know, seen a happy couple, it doesn't mean... Maybe

it could be us.

Girl, I've been hurt enough in my life.

So if you don't mean it, please don't say it.

Darlene.

I mean it.

It's us.

It's Melvin.

Yeah, snowmakers.

My own flesh.

My own blood.

God, forgive me what I'm gonna do!

Freeze, FBI.

Okay, Harry. I come in peace.

I come in peace, Harry.

I'm a friend.

Are you hungry, Harry?

You hungry?

Yeah? Come with me, Harry.

Good food for you, Harry. Come. Come. Come with me. Good food.

Oh, jeez.

Tell me, tell me about the frogs. Tell me more about the frogs. Okay, okay.

Oh, the frogs.

Okay, yeah. A male frog. A male frog. He lures.

He lures. Yeah, he does.

Mm -hmm. He lures the female frog into the water with his croak. And then the

female frog, they lay their eggs in these clumps. They're like 10 to 90. And

then the... Wait, wait.

Do you have a gun on them?

Oh, oh.

No tadpoles for us.

You're going to have a great time. You can trust me, Harry.

Didn't I buy a cup of coffee? Right? Follow Jerry. Come with Jerry.

Yeah, Harry. All for you. Look what we got here.

Women, wine, food, naked, nude.

Go, Harry. Go. Enjoy yourself.

Yeah, boy.

Enjoy, Harry.

Enjoy. Boy. Boy. Boy.

Keep going.

All for you, Harry.

I wanted you since the first time I saw you.

Take off your pants.

Take them off.

Is that you?

Fred, I can't.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, don't worry. I can't. Fred.

Oh, my God.

Get him off me. Okay, just bury this in me. Get him off me. Marlo.

Did your daddy say where he was going?

Oh, goodness, I feel so bad about this. I mean, I broke up a marriage before,

but never a father and a son. Look, Harrington's going to be here in an

I just, I really can't deal with this right now.

Maybe I did lead him on just a little bit.

Oh, you think he's at that motel? I don't care where he is.

Okay, he said he disowned me. That goes double for me.

Hey, he's still your daddy. Just drop it.

Done. What's happening here?

I decorated for Christmas.

Why is the couch there?

Oh, it opens up the room. It makes it airy. And the TV's here.

Why is it over here?

Yeah, the room flows better that way. Oh, hey, I went online and I checked out

the castle, and it's perfect.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Well, of course, it needs some work, but... I already have tons of ideas for

frog room.

Frog room?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, hey, you got this little cowlick thing going on.

Here we go.

That's a little better.

Uh, Darlene, you know, I've got a lot to do.

You know, I've got to, um, I've got to sell the business and the loft, and I've

got to pack up and move out.

And, you know, I don't have a lot of time to talk about the frog room, you

Can you just help me move this? I just want to get the couch over there again.

It looks better there.

Right. No, no, no. I know, but I just, I prefer it there.

Fine.

Good.

You know, it's not like I'm asking you to marry me or anything.

Whoa. No, no. Who said anything about marriage? No, no.

No, it's just, you know, I think it might be easier if I did all this alone.

Uh -huh.

Alone. Yeah, you know, you've got to finish school.

You're a little bit transient, you know.

Transient?

I'm transient?

Look, I just mean, you know, you have some place to stay other than here,

Well, I'm not in this for the place to stay. No, I know. No, no, I don't think

you do know. No, I do.

Goodness gracious.

I should have seen this coming.

I really should have seen this coming, because you got what you wanted.

And now you don't want any more. No, no, no. It's not like that. It's true. You

came, you saw, you conquered, and veeny, veeny, adios, no more frog room. No,

it's not like that. It isn't. All you talk about believing and love.

Talk? No, I meant that. I just, I'm not good at this. Why do you think that I

am? Let's just, let's be reasonable, okay? Don't cry. Why are we yelling?

Manager? Yeah. What do you mean you don't have room service?

You got the nerve to charge 30 bucks a night?

Welcome. Happy holidays. Mr. Harrington, Mr. Colletti, wait for your arrival in

his office chamber.

Mr. Harrington.

I'm so glad that you could make it. Okay.

I hope that your trip was good.

I'm going to show you that your patient has all been well worth it.

I, yep, without further ado, I present to you Princess Zarina Romanov, Royal

Russian Fabergé Christmas Box.

It's not there.

Mr.

Harrington.

Return to the area, please.

There's a fire outside.

Don't go out there.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Mr. Manager?

You have a little problem with that porn DVD that you sent me?

Talk dirty to me?

They're talking in Chinese.

You here to fix my porn?

Open up!

Chooch?

Choochie? Is that you?

I know you're in there. I know you've got it. Open up!

Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what you're

about, but just calm down, and I'll open the door once you're calmed down, all

right? Nice and calm, all right?

You open it right now. I know you took it. Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Territory is on the way to the airport now!

Open up, or I will smash your fat face in! Okay, on the count of three, I'm

going to open the door.

But remember, no violence.

I'm an old man. Remember that. No violence.

One.

Two. Three.

Give it back, or I call the cops. Somebody took your egg? Don't you

You needed money for your stupid fishbowl. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't

that. I swear to God. You're a liar.

No, no, no. You put the malokia. No, no, no, no, no. The malokia was for

Darlene. It had nothing to do with it. Where is it? I didn't take it. I swear.

don't know anything about it. What are you talking about? Where is it? You want

to know where it is? You really want to know? Yes. Then suck my ass and look for

it.

You dumb son of a bitch. I'm your father. You accuse me of lying. You call

liar. You swear at Grandma's grave you didn't take it. You swear at Grandma's

grave. You swear. I swear.

God rest his soul. I swear.

Pop.

If he didn't take it, who did?

Doc, maybe he's not as stupid as he looks. No.

I checked him. He's clean.

Darlene, huh?

Perfect.

Wait a second.

What? You coming with me?

Nobody takes a Coletti's money.

What happened with you guys?

We were talking about moving in together last night while we were making love.

Don't give me any details.

No details.

Wait a second.

What color was they blinking? It was red, right? All right, all right.

This morning, I guess we kind of decided maybe we were moving too fast. We

decided?

Maybe it was me. Yeah, there you go. You blew her off. She took your egg. I was

in a big shock. I was too big and hairy. The homeless guy had pubes out of my

mouth. What the hell is this?

My car.

No wonder you don't get any chick.

Go!

We're going to stay over here.

Come on.

Come to mama, you sweet, sweet baby.

Come on. I would never hurt you.

I'm okay.

Yeah, you'll never hang up on me again, will you? I don't have a car. I lost it

in a relationship. Where's your car?

I took the butt from Tijuana.

Oh, boy, that monster's done.

Take me to my son.

Take me to my husband.

Don Lee's not answering. Cinnamon's not answering.

There's only one place I can think to look for him. Pity City.

That's right. Go, baby, go!

It's on. It is on, baby. Never let him see it. Never let him see it happen.

Talk nice and then bam!

Okay, okay, all right, all right.

One, two...

You all right, son?

I'm good. You okay? I'm really good, yeah. At least we got him to give us the

address, right?

That's right. Coletti boys rule. Absolutely.

Ah, okay.

You know, this is fun.

We should do this more often, honestly. Yeah, well, parts of it.

Hey,

Doug? Yeah, yeah, we're going to need some backup.

Little Miss I Don't Shake the Twins is stripping at a bachelor party up in the

valley. I'll text you the address.

Okay. Hey, you don't have text?

I'm back, back, back.

This is starting to feel a little bit like... It's a party. It's no problem.

It's a party. It doesn't matter.

We're done.

Why do chicks do a bachelor party?

Where are the bachelors?

I think it might be a lesbian bachelor party.

Lesbos? We don't really say that anymore. Really?

What do you call them?

They're same -sex lifestyle partners now.

Isn't it easy just to say lesbos? Okay, all right. Bunko, Archie Bunker. Okay,

okay. There she is.

Try to blend in.

Yeah, but I didn't even shave this morning. All right, okay, fine. We'll

sneak around. Quick around.

Graham.

Darlene. It's the Coletti boys, baby.

You tried to break us up. Yeah, I know. I got it. She set us up. I understand

that. I've got it.

Well, the police are on their way.

You may as well just hand over the egg. Oh, oh, okay. No, now. Now you'll pay

attention to me. Aha!

You do have it. All that talk about believing is just bullshit.

You're a liar.

You're the liar. You're a liar and a thief.

Where is it? Give it to me. Be careful with that. Be careful. You're a liar and

a thief, Mary.

Get your hand off of her. Look.

Take it easy, Butch, all right? Oh, Butch. I mean, it's just a matter of

speaking.

She killed my boy.

My boy.

What did you do to my dad?

Come on, you big weirdo, let's get out of here. Move, move, move!

Get out!

Let's move it, sir. All right, ma 'am.

So, how's Eduardo?

Yeah, how's Eduardo?

It's okay, son, I can handle this.

I don't know and I don't care.

If you don't care, how come you ran away to Cabo with him and took all our

money? Yeah, Cabo. All right, son, I'm doing this.

You were about to blow our retirement money on that crazy fish knish idea. I

to do something.

You what? No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't let her change the subject. You are the

subject. You.

I swear on my life, I didn't let Eduardo touch me.

You're telling me you went all the way down to Cabo with this young dude and

there was no sex?

None at all.

I got down there and I realized I'd made a terrible mistake.

You really are nuts, aren't you?

I married you, didn't I?

Oh, I dumped Eduardo at Cabo and I took a chicken truck here to be with you.

Why the hell didn't you fly?

Eduardo stole my credit cards.

So, Mom, you still love Dad?

What did I do?

Yeah?

Well, you know, I was really kind of enjoying being single and everything,

uh... Yeah, Riffy. I still love you.

Hey, come on, let's go. Hey, that's my son.

You better not hurt him. She'll kick your ass. She's a black belt.

Yes.

Ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

Oh,

shit. Who invited you lunatics to my bachelor party? Look, I'm sorry I ruined

your party. I was only here to get back something that she took from me. Oh,

don't. The only reason I took it is because he broke my heart. Look, we

have just talked about it, okay? You didn't have to commit grand larceny. You

care more about that egg than you ever cared about me. What is wrong with you?

She's lovely.

Don't give a damn about that stupid egg. Is that the only reason that you came

here?

Darlene, I just... You know, I... I finally... I finally

found the one girl that I could spend the rest of my life with.

The one girl that I could love and trust. And it just scared

the shit out of me.

I will not press charges.

I don't have a chance.

Press charges?

Well, God, thanks, Grant. Thanks a whole lot for doing that.

Your egg is in the black box in the back of your closet, you jerk.

So you didn't taste it? What was I supposed to do with this stupid egg,

Huh?

I'm sorry, darling. One second.

Officer, darling. Darling.

Darling.

Darling. Darling.

Darling. Let me talk to that nice lady.

Come on. Darling.

I hear it's Christmas.

I hear it's tradition.

I see the reds and greens, but I don't see much

different.

Oh, Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree.

Are you supposed to mean something? Oh, Christmas tree.

Oh, Christmas tree.

How lovely are thy branches

This isn't Christmas

This is a business This

is no family We're just pretending

None of this gives

Oh,

Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree.

Are you supposed to mean something? Oh, Christmas tree.

Got yourself a new job? I did.

Oh, very good, very good.

I hope this baby doesn't need to be rehydrated.

Not so far, no.

Good, good. Well, these are from Grant, since he says you won't answer phone

calls or anything.

And this is from Grant, too, but he says you'll understand what it is. I don't

know what it is. So I just want to say, don't make the kid pay for my mistakes.

And I really wanted to apologize to you.

But putting Harry, the homeless guy, on you, that was not good.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying that, but I... I'm so sorry that I got between you and

Grant. You have to believe me, I never, ever meant for that to happen.

I understand.

Not a big deal.

I'm really happy for you and your wife, too. I'm so glad you're back together.

You make a great couple.

Thanks. Speaking of that, Ruthie and I are going to throw a little shindig on

Christmas Eve.

We'd really like you to be there.

Well, um, thank you for the invite, but I don't think so.

Think about it, Ray.

Merry Christmas, and you look fantastic, by the way.

Thank you.

Pretty, huh?

Pretty enough to eat.

She's gone, Pop.

Well, it is Christmas, you know.

Time of miracles. Have you prayed, son?

Yeah, I think God's screening my calls.

Nah.

All right, close your eyes. You're in grateful little shit. Close your eyes.

Dear Lord, dear God, thank you for getting

us through another year.

We had our ups and downs, but we came through it okay.

We made some new friends along the way, too.

Same -sex lesbos, filthy bums, big idiots.

By big idiots, I mean me. I'm speaking about myself.

Please forgive us, O Lord. Forgive us.

And help us to forgive each other, because that's the only way crazy people

us are going to be able to live.

So please give my son here what he needs most in this world.

what we all need most in this world, true love.

It's my favorite time of the year.

All around there's a feeling of Christmas. Hi, everybody.

Hi, everybody.

This is Christmas.

This is Christmas. Merry Christmas, sweetie.

As we sit by the glow of the fire.

It's a Christmas made for two.

It's my favorite time of year.

All around there's a bit of Christmas.

Just me and you.

A dream.

It's a perfect Christmas.

It's a Christmas made good.

It's a Christmas made for two.

Thank you.

Yeah,

she can do this. No.

I don't know what's up in play.

All those little girls laughing all the way.

Talk about those great making spirits bright. We're fun and it's a ride and

and slay. It's all tonight.

Hey!

Hey, Judy.

It's your papa.

Hey!

Great job.

That's the end of that, though, I think.