Original subtitles

And, Waldo, how do I look?

With your eyes.

Man, this is going to be some concert. Nine rap groups in one night.

Yeah, I just hope they don't all sing at the same time.

No, Waldo, they'll probably take turns.

Oh, cool.

There's just one problem.

Our seats are right next to the speakers, and it'll be kind of hard for

honeys to hear our clever pickup lines.

I got that covered, Eddie. I've only got one clever pickup line, and the girls

are going to hear it.

Hey, babe.

Looking good.

Are those real?

A bullhorn.

It's so stupid, it's brilliant.

Thank you.

Look at this.

Let's go.

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper

set. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even harder

to find.

Well, there must be some magic crew inside these gentle walls.

It's all I see, the tower of dreams, real love bursting out of everything.

It's the bigger love.

Pierce made Captain and he's three years younger than me. Well, it's not fair,

sir. You are every bit as good as Pierce.

I know. I suck up to all the same people, don't I?

Hey, nobody kisses butt like you, sir.

Thank you, Winslow.

Hey, Pierce probably cheated by working hard and being conscientious.

That low life.

He donates blood.

He's a big brother. He does volunteer work at the old folks' home.

Some guys have no shame. Yeah.

Hello,

Steve. What's with the get -up, nerd?

Oh, I was working in my laboratory, flatfoot.

I was attempting to fix Urkelbutt.

Urkelbutt?

Uh, no, sir. That's Urkelbot.

Some crazy mixed -up robot that Steve built a few months ago. It went haywire

and fell in love with my daughter.

Carl,

I know why Urkelbot malfunctioned. You see, several microchips in his

personality circuit went bad.

I was fixing it when it hit me.

A big idea?

No, my robot. It hit me.

So I fixed that, too. And that's when it hit me.

But I thought you fixed it. No, I got the big idea.

means a job. And that's when it hit me. Another big idea.

No, my robot. I didn't fix him after all.

Would you just please get to the point?

Well, all right, Mr. Antypants.

All right, here goes.

Here's my big idea.

Ergo Bot should become Ergo Dog.

Well, what's the matter? Don't you like my idea?

Steve, you can't be serious.

A machine could never make a good cop.

Oh, and just why in Sam Hill not?

Well, a million reasons.

For one, it can't eat donuts.

That's enough, Winslow.

The lad might be on to something here.

He might?

Yeah. If this robot of his worked out, it would make me look real good, and I'd

get my promotion.

It would also help benefit society.

It could help millions of people. Why, it could change the course of human

history. Oh, yeah,

yeah, whatever.

Hi.

Guess what? I have a chance to make some real money.

Well, what about the money I'd pay you for working at Rachel's place?

No offense, but I said real money.

I want to become a distributor for Larnice Cosmetics.

Ah, Larnice Cosmetics.

Never heard of them.

Well, that's because they're a new company, and they're looking for

distributors. And you know I'm a good salesman. I mean, I could sell suntan

lotions to Michael Jackson.

to send them money?

Well, yeah, they send me $400 worth of their cosmetics, and I turn right around

and sell them for $800.

Everybody wins.

Wait a minute.

Do you have $400?

Not quite.

I know where this is going. Straight to our bank account.

Look, I have $100, and if you guys all put in $100 each, we'd be equal

and I'd

Well, honey, you know money has been kind of scarce, and just coming up with

$100... Oh, come on, you tightwads.

Laura's only asking for $100, not a kidney.

She's showing real get -up -and -go.

She's being an entrepreneur.

We should reward that kind of initiative.

I say we write her a check right now.

You're right. Come on.

Thanks, everybody.

Oh, ladies, I'm a little short this month.

But what have you put in my chair?

the occasion, I prepared a short speech.

In the year of our Lord, 1977,

the Urkel child was born.

And on that day, that child was... Would you just please show us the robot?

Well, I'll

Laughter.

Wow!

Neo!

Oh, please. You can't be serious.

Sir.

Go ahead.

Take his knowledge.

Okay.

What's the first thing an officer should do upon arriving at the scene of a

robbery in progress?

Call for backup.

Is that right?

I'm impressed.

Okay, so he memorized a few books. Big deal.

But, sir, you and I went to the police academy.

We are properly trained.

Well, so is Urkelbot.

I guarantee you that he has studied the best. Check it out.

Go ahead, punk.

Make my day.

Who loves you, baby?

Just the facts, ma 'am.

Kid, this is quite an achievement.

Oh, feel free to use the word, genius.

Now, as the ranking officer here, it falls upon my shoulders to think of a

to use this robot to benefit me and no one else.

Winslow, say hello to your new partner.

What?

I'm assigning you to the minimart robberies. If you two can catch the guy

robbed 18 convenience stores, I'll get promoted to captain.

If you mess up, I've never heard of you.

Sergeant, let's hit the mean streets and kick some bad guy's butt.

Well, now, sir, listen.

Now, I realize that this bucket of boats is smart and it talks a good game.

But what is it going to do when words fail and it's time to get rough?

Second thought, I'd be happy to be his partner.

I know.

I know what you mean. Well, that was a nice party. You know, Margaret sure got

some beautiful gifts at her baby shower.

Yeah, but, you know, now I don't know what I'm going to get her next month for

her wedding shower.

I miss the old days when we took our showers in the proper order.

The poo smells great.

Oh, look, there's a hair conditioner, too.

Let's go try this stuff out right now. Yeah, I can't wait to see how my hair

comes out.

But your ball.

And so is my daughter.

And so is my mother.

What happened to you guys?

Lonnie's Cosmetics is what happened to us. We all used that stupid shampoo.

Well, I don't get it. I mean, I used that shampoo in my...

company and yell at them what happened.

But Laura, what did you hear about this company?

Well, they had a full page ad in a reputable magazine.

Which magazine?

Funky Rock.

Listen to this.

Try Larny's shampoo.

You'll love how your hair comes out.

realize that you're upset.

But hey, look on the bright side.

You all could be backup singers for Sinead O 'Connor.

I don't understand.

Their number's no longer in service.

Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I believe you've been

What do you mean?

Well, Law Needs Cosmetics is obviously a fly -by -night operation.

They probably sold hundreds of distributorships, took the money and

You guys, I'm really sorry about this.

It just seemed like such a great deal.

Sweetheart, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Look, look, knock Dr. Herb and get dressed and get down to the wig bar.

Well, hey, I'll drive you all. Let's just calm down and have some breakfast.

That's a good idea.

You know...

I don't know why, but suddenly I'm in the mood for melon.

Oh, pain is very, very good.

Bless you very much.

And as they say at the border in my country, please come back.

Hey, that's a great accent, big guy.

Oh, thank you very much,

Steve. But I still say this is a complete waste of time. I mean, the odds

this place being robbed tonight are one in a million.

Corrected. The elements are one and three.

Where does he get this stuff?

Translation.

Ergobot marked on a map the locations of the previous robberies. ID ticket

apparent. And deduced the most logical spot to be hidden.

And here we are at Pete's Shop and Save.

Right I'm running.

Well, now that you've got your metal man set up, why don't you head on home,

Steve, okay?

met before in my entire life. Yes, yes, yes. Cherry, lemon, and goofy. Now

go home, small man.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

You, empty the cash register.

You, did me a cherry slurpee.

What the...

Let's do it.

your worst nightmare.

and took him right downtown.

Oh, right. Oh, that's great.

And I participated, Mark.

Feel like kissing a hero?

I sure do.

Listen,

Steve. When our hair grows back, do you think Urkelbot can analyze a sample and

track down those jokers who did this to us and snap them bald?

Well, he can, but he can't, so he won't.

What? Well, Urkelbot is a... to give up police work. He finds it too dangerous.

So, he decides to become a dancer.

A dancing robot?

Oh, yes, yes.

It was such a peachy idea, I decided to build him a partner.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that you built a mechanical woman?

That's right. Oh, and Laura, I averted my eyes during the final welding,

sweetheart.

Glad to hear it, Steve.

You know, I named my new robot after you, Laura.

I call it Larabot.

Gee, Steve, if I cared, I'd be honored.

Steve,

are these robot dancers of yours any good?

Well, you tell me.

Oh, come on.

Ready to dance, Circlebot?

Let's get down with our bad dancing.