Original subtitles

Warner Brothers Domestic Television Distribution.

Here, fishy, fishy.

Shout time.

Can I feed the fish? No, no, no, no, no, sir.

Nobody comes near this fish.

Dad, what's the big deal?

It belongs to Lieutenant Murtaugh.

I am fishy sitting while he's in Las Vegas searching for the future Mrs.

Murtaugh.

He may be gone a long...

Anyone care to join us in a happy dance?

Hey, what's up?

The Urkels are packing their car. It looks like they're going on vacation.

Oh, yeah.

How much luggage?

Two weeks' worth, easy.

Two weeks without Steve Urkel?

Wow.

Maybe dreams really do come true.

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even harder

to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Cause all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting...

on vacation, Steve?

Why aren't you on vacation, Steve?

Oh, well, it would have been inappropriate for me to join my parents.

on their second honeymoon.

Oh, how romantic.

Where'd they go?

Well, my mother went to Washington to visit the Smithsonian, and my dad went

New York to see Clem Puddle's House of Reptiles.

You know, several questions come to mind here.

Oh, shoot.

Your parents are taking separate second honeymoons? Oh, yes. They desperately

want to avoid the tragedy that resulted from their first honeymoon.

What was that? Me.

Okay. Second question.

Why would a guy spend his second honeymoon at Clem Puddle's house of

Now, first...

For some reason, my father is fascinated with animals that eat their own young.

So, Steve, where are you going to be staying while your parents are gone?

Some relative's house far, far away?

Is that pity I hear in your voice?

No, it's hope.

in that empty house all by yourself. You're staying with us.

She's my type.

I know, Steve. I came down to sing backup.

Oh, and look, you even woke up Spike.

Oh, you mean the terrifying Scolari?

Right.

I'm taking care of him for Lieutenant Murtaugh.

So that means no more late -night blues sessions with V .B. Urkel.

Got it. Hey, and bonsoir, big guy. Or as they say in old Mexico, buenas noches,

hombre grande.

Viva Zapata.

Steve got up early this morning and fixed us a wonderful breakfast.

What'd you make, Steve?

Omelette. Oh, I love omelette.

What kind?

Liver and hentai.

I'll let him go.

out, Rich Meister.

There's this kid at school who picks on me. His name is Timmy Thompson, but we

call him the Terminator.

Oh, tough guy, huh?

He told me he'll beat me up if I don't give him a dollar every day, starting

today. You know, I think you should tell your mom.

I can't. She told me never to play under any circumstances.

Oh, tell your teacher.

She'll just make Timmy stay in the corner for a while. Then after school,

hit me over the head with his little brother.

Why are you telling me?

I don't know. You just seem like the kind of guy who gets beat up a lot.

Me? Beat up a lot? Well, I... You're very perceptive.

Don't want to stand up to them.

Richie, getting beat up feels real bad.

But being afraid all the time, oh, that feels even worse.

I'm Mark. I have a study date with Laura.

Ah, yes.

Laura told me you'd be dropping by.

Laura's out right now, but she's due back shortly.

Come on in, Mark.

If that's your real name.

Hey, are you Steve Urkel?

Why, yes. How'd you know?

You have a kick -me sign on your back.

Why, those teachers always with the darn...

three forms of identification, and a thumbprint.

But first, would you kindly step into the bathroom and fill this?

What?

You object to a random drug test?

I sure do.

happened to you?

I set off to tear me the Terminator.

Guess what?

He's a sucker for a left hook.

Oh, well, way to go, Richie.

Richard Crawford, you get up to your room right now.

But, Mom. Go.

Going.

Steve,

did you give my son some advice?

Well, I believe... Did you tell him that it was okay to fight?

Well, now, not in those exact words. Well, he took your advice, Steve, and he

got into a fight today, and thanks to you, he's been kicked out of preschool.

Yes, Laura, my little dust bunny.

What did you do to my study date?

Oh, you mean Mark, if that's his real name.

I just said hi to him and he crossed the street, mumbling something about our

house having a nerd infestation.

Well, success stones may break my bones, but I'm here and he's not, baby.

If you ever have...

Steve, where's Spice?

But, uh, Carl, I've got some bad news.

And some good news.

And some more bad news.

Spit it out.

Here goes.

You see, Carl, I... I... I accidentally sucked Spike up in the vacuum cleaner.

What? Oh, my God!

Oh, Carl, but the good news is that I got him out.

Oh, thank God.

But you know that more bad news I was talking about?

Well, I, uh... I swallowed him.

We've got to get him back. Oh, my God. What's your plan?

Hello, Winslow.

Lieutenant Murtaugh.

You're back early from Las Vegas.

Yeah, yeah.

So, how's my fish?

Well, sir,

I... Well, uh, well...

Something terrible has happened to your fish.

Terrible? Oh, there's no way to break the news gently, so I might as well just

come right out with the truth.

Here goes.

Your fish? Fish committed suicide.

He what?

Yes, sir. It was awful, sir.

The minute you left, well, Spike got so very sad.

He stopped eating.

He stopped swimming.

Excuse me.

He just pressed his little face up against the glass.

Oh, Pauline.

for me.

Or at least do a better job of it.

Will somebody please tell me what happened to my fish?

Lou, I accidentally killed Spike.

I sucked him up in that very vacuum cleaner.

Oh, come on. That's pretty hard to swallow.

The problem won't go away. I was in the supermarket, and his mother tried to hit

me over the head with her husband.

Mom, Steve has got to go.

Okay, okay, okay.

Just give me a Mary Scott spike test.

Please. I don't deserve to be around ice people.

Nice enough to let me stay in your home. And I wanted to repay you.

But instead I messed everything up.

Like I always do.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Uncle Steve helped me.

No, he didn't, honey. I mean, Steve, I had to beg you back into that preschool.

Yeah, and I was afraid to go to school, and I wanted to be a whore for a night.

To be a whore. You know, Laura, he's a whore.

I'm not upset about your study date.

Mark? If that's real.

Well, then, I spiked just a mountain, and he outlit what he's doing.

She sure got one hecka. I was about to have a moment.

Uh, ma.

What were you doing up at Makeout Mountain?

Hey, Carl, don't you think I can change the subject?

You know, ma, I want to light up in that house tonight.

What the heck?

What the heck? You know, that's my area.

I was a garden. I'll be sure.

He told me he.

that free. I had to stay.

I had free Google Play.