Original subtitles

I didn't read that L .H. right, but it's not a Sunday paper, it's a big TV

guide.

Bosnia Peace Plan?

New. New haircut for Courtney Cox.

Four columns.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure, the New York Times is known for its incisive commentary and influential

editorials, but it doesn't have Hagar the Horrible.

Hey, we've got a visitor.

Paige. Hey, ten bucks says I can put this grapefruit section down her

Oh, where's the challenge in that? I don't know how her date went last night.

don't know. Well, she's wearing a red sexy dress at 10 .15 on a Sunday

Either it went well or she's on her way to disco church.

Okay.

So, we had a great dinner.

We went to a club.

We end up at his place.

So we're in bed.

and he says to me, Paige, you're the most incredible woman I've ever met.

Wow, what a liar. Right there, you should have walked out.

And then he pitches me a screenplay he's been working on. Ellen, the man pitched

to me in bed.

Incredible.

You never have sex in a bed.

Coffee? Yeah.

I am so sick of men in the business.

I just want to meet someone nice, someone normal.

Hey, Paige.

You know how sometimes people fight because they're really attracted to each

other? Mm -hmm.

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you and I should give it a

shot. What?

No, just picture this, all right?

You and I, dancing tightly, right? Uh -huh.

You wearing this dress, my hand pressed tightly against your naked back, pulling

you closer and closer.

Paige? Uh -huh. I have this great idea for movie of the week.

You know, if Paige wants to meet someone who's not in the biz, there's these

loggers up near Moosney who'd love to meet a woman.

I know the one they got up there now is pretty tired.

Whoa!

Anyone happen to see the pair of 501s that just walked out of here?

Someone took all the money. I was helping this customer and when I turned

for a minute, he must have taken it.

You left the cash register open and then turned away? Why would you do that?

Did you see what he looked like?

I don't know.

I must have blocked it out. I think he was wearing a blue shirt.

No, wait. I'm seeing yellow.

Oh, the 501 guy was wearing a yellow jacket.

You saw him? Can you give a description?

He was a babe.

He was a babe.

Anything else?

He had a really tight butt.

I don't want to tell you your job, but you might want to check out where Jimmy

Smith's was between 2 and 2 .15.

Just like Cagney and Lacey.

I used to want to be Cagney so bad.

Oh, man, the captain would yell at her. He'd be like, you pull one more stunt

like that, Cagney, and you're suspended.

And then Cagney, she's so tough. She'd be like, oh, yeah?

Ladies, I'm Detective Sutterman.

Based on Ms. Clark's description, we brought in a couple of suspects for you

take a look at. Hopefully get a positive ID on the perpetrator.

The perp.

The perp.

So, if you'll look this way, we'll do a lineup.

Now remember, they can't see you or hear you, so don't be afraid to comment or

point at any of them.

Oh, my God.

They're all gorgeous.

Let me get this straight.

I could pick any guy I want?

No, you don't pick any guy you want. You pick the one who did it. They're

criminals. This is not the dating game.

All right, well, uh, number three looks kind of familiar, but to be honest, I

didn't really see his face. I saw his, you know.

Have number three turn around.

If the butt don't...

you're looking for, but it's definitely who I'm looking for.

Well, congratulations.

You just picked one of our guys. That's Detective Liston.

We're done here, guys.

Thanks. What do you mean, we're done here, guys? Thanks. That's it? What

the perp? He's out there with my money.

Well, there's really not much more we can do right now.

If you want to reach us about the perp... Thank you. You're welcome,

police station I've ever been to.

Look at these bozos.

Spend a little less time eating donuts, a little more time on the street looking

for my man. We'd have him.

even love at first sight. I saw this guy yesterday. He's a cop.

But he's got the sweetest face and the greatest smile and the cutest butt in

creation.

God hates so few.

Paige, you got a parking ticket.

Really?

I'm going to have to go to the police station and pay it.

You can just mail it in.

Well, that would defeat the purpose of me parking in front of the fire hydrant

now, wouldn't it?

Good. Told everybody I'd been robbed, and then I passed out my McGruff the

Dog booklets, but nobody wanted to take a bite out of time.

Everybody just sniffed at it and walked away.

What is it with people? You think they take a dog in a trench coat more

seriously? Yeah, considering I wasn't the only one robbed.

They were robbed, too?

Yep. Banana Republic last month, Miranda's Boutique two weeks ago, and

Thursday, that pet grooming place, Sniff Doggy Dog.

Oh.

How low do you have to go to steal from a pet grooming shop?

About this low.

It went through the doggy door.

You know, there was a time when neighbors used to take care of each

But now, forget it. No. They all just buy a security system from the same guy

and crawl back into their shelf.

Wait a minute. Hold on. Back up a second. They were all robbed and they

bought security systems from the same guy.

And crawl back into their shelf. Yes.

You don't think that's a tad coincidental?

Yeah.

It is, isn't it?

This could be big. This could be really... I'm going to call that

Hold on. Just wait. Uh -uh. No, no, no.

Oh, McGruff the Crime Dog says if you sniff out a crime, don't bury it like a

bone in your backyard.

You take it in your mouth and fetch the police right away.

Yours. Yours.

So your idea for a neighborhood watch was a bust, huh?

Yours. Yep.

So now Spence thinks there's some whole crime ring thing going on, so...

I called the police.

Yours? The police?

My police?

Did they say anything about me?

Yeah, they said Detective Liston thinks you're really cute and he's going to

meet you after the pep rally underneath the bleachers.

I've been paying parking tickets every day to find out whatever I can about

His name is Matt Liston. He's 32 years old.

Six feet tall, 175 pounds, not married, and best of all, he turned down a

consulting job on NYPD Blue.

He's perfect.

Well, I don't know if he's perfect. His head is a little tiny for his body.

He's a bit of a small head.

Really? Yeah. I mean, you know, probably a good thing for you.

Because then you have small -headed kids. They'll come out easier.

I've read enough movie scripts about cops to know that they don't like

aggressive women. So that is why I am going to be shy and demure.

Might want to wear your shy and demure thong underwear.

Hi, Miss Morgan. Detective Liston.

And I was in the area, so...

I'm playing Crimson Tide, waiting for Denzel Washington to punch me in the

Taking a bath.

What does it look like I'm doing? What do you have to do here?

I was in there first. You get out.

I can't.

Why? God, look at my hair.

Because he is out there. Who?

Detective Liston. Now?

I want to talk to him about those robberies. Get out.

She's got to have makeup in his car.

Hello? You're standing in the way of police business.

Calamine lotion.

It's kind of my color.

I'm losing it.

I guess I was a little frustrated, the police lineup the other day. Not that

weren't good. I mean, you were good. I actually, I thought you were the guy.

I kind of do this shifty thing with my eyes, you know.

Yeah, that's good, yeah.

I'm telling you, if I ran into you in a dark alley, I'd mace you.

Really?

Hey, thanks.

doing here you're not leaving because you want me to get out of the tub you

to see me naked you want me you want me back there is

a real man waiting out there for me admit it you want to scrub me

you're trying to gross me out so that i will leave but even though it's working

anyway my cousin spence you haven't met him yet he's in

the

Personally, I think it's a little shaky, but he thinks there's a connection

between everybody getting ripped off and everybody buying the same security

system from the same guy.

Pretty far out theory, huh?

Tell your cousin it's not a bad theory.

We came up with it together.

I need to get out of here. I'm starting to prune. No, no way. You're not going

out there. You're not ruining my chances with this guy. Please hand me my towel.

Oh, you want something to cover yourself up with? Yes, please. Oh, really?

Just ought to do it.

I cracked a case.

Not even Cagney and Lacey cracked a case this fast. Of course, they only had an

hour, so that's not, you know... But that was just a TV show. In the scheme

things, this is... Anyway, I cracked a case.

You know, it's more like half -cracked.

Anyway... Oh, I get it.

Yeah.

We've been doing some undercover work, and we're pretty sure who's behind this.

Now, the security systems this guy's selling are hot.

So if he follows his M .O., I bet she's out there right now trying to sell you

one of those systems. Well, yeah, like I'm going to buy one from him now.

Yeah, but he doesn't know that. Now, what if you would help us? Maybe catch

in the act?

Yeah, yeah, and then you could deputize me. I could wear a badge.

Or I could just help.

I'm sorry.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Listen, this is my friend Paige Clark.

Nice to meet you.

She's a little bit shy and demure.

Are you two roommates?

Oh, no.

I just like to come over every once in a while and bake pies.

I love cooking.

And sewing.

I love sewing.

And churning butter. She loves to churn butter.

Nice to see you. Spence Kovac. I'm Ellen's cousin.

Sorry I couldn't come out earlier. I was taking a bath with Paige.

Isn't that right, Paige, honey? We were taking a bath? I was not taking a bath

with you.

I was with him, but I was definitely not with you.

non -practicing doctor and future lawyer, I must advise against this.

she's not in any danger. I'm going to be right here listening to the whole

thing. Okay, now what's the drill?

Oh, I offer to buy the system. As soon as he takes the check, that's the thing.

You move in, we spread him, frisk him, cuff him, book him, and haul his sorry

butt downtown.

Okay, but you can lose the spreading part. All right, just for the record,

is entrapment. Okay, not to mention an infringement of his civil liberties. And

on top of that... I wanted to wear the wire!

You see, that's a very good reason why I asked you to keep this quiet.

Oh, he's the only one I told.

So is the deal going down?

Ellen, if this should become a hostage situation, I will happily volunteer to

taken.

That was my idea.

Actually, we could use your help. I need you to go out there and act like you

know nothing.

No problem. Can do.

Anybody else? No.

Okay, then, why don't you get in position and we'll have a mic check.

Okay.

Check two. One, two, check two.

Two, check, two.

Two, check, one, two, check, two.

Check, two, check, two.

Check, one, two, check.

Check. Your fly's open. Check.

I made you look.

Check, two, check, two.

No sign of the perp yet.

Still no sign of the perp.

I will continue to act normal until I see the perp.

Ellen, I have to talk to you.

Not right now, Paige. I'll talk to you later, Paige, okay?

I want that detective list in bad.

Oh, well, I'll tell you what.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later because the bra has ears.

No, you don't understand.

I keep having these wild fantasies about him. I can't stop thinking about him.

Okay, listen to this. I call 911.

And he comes to the door, and I answer it wearing nothing but his badge. Oh,

well, that's got to hurt, huh? I'm going to go over here.

Ellen, I have slept with so many guys.

Stop. You have not slept with that many guys. What, three?

I'm talking hundreds.

Oh, no. Well, you're a popular girl, so.

I know that you don't think that he's proportionate. You know that he has the

tiny head. No.

happened, okay? It's my turn. I go now, okay? You flew with the wax in World War

II. Okay.

Excuse me. I'm Jim Hogan, DT Security.

I'm looking for an Ellen Morgan.

Um... Let's talk another time.

I'm, uh... I'm Ellen... Is everything okay?

Yes.

Everything's fine.

Um... Are you all right? Yes. It's just so chilly. Is it cold? Are you cold?

I'm... Paul, would you like some coffee?

All right. All right. I'm going to get you some coffee.

Mayday, mayday is slipping.

She's losing her train of thought. I'm going in. I'm paying out. She's fine.

still picking up. Come on.

Thank you for the cup.

You know, at DT Security, our primary goal is to make sure that you are as

and secure as possible.

Yeah, because if the store is as busy as yours, you do not want to skimp on

security. No, I wouldn't skimp. I'm not a skimper. It's going down my pants.

Excuse me?

I've got downline pants on.

You didn't know that. Yeah, they're warm. That was cool earlier, and now

Great. You know, judging from the angles in the store, the location of the front

entryway, I think we're looking at four... ceiling cameras for maximum

protection. Four.

That's right. One, two, three.

Four. Four. Right. Unless, of course, you wanted to go with the top of the

Then we're talking maybe five, six cameras.

Motion sensors.

Maybe an electric eye over the door.

Hello? Yeah, I'm on space mecha now. Please talk.

You know, right now we're running a special where if you order the top of

line, you get the installation for free.

Uh -huh.

How much is that? I'll take it. The whole thing together would be $2 ,000.

$2 ,000?

We're close. I'm going in. You stay here. What about backup? You need some

backup? No.

Hey. Hi.

What are you doing here? Remember me, Paige?

Yeah, I can't talk to you right now.

It's about the other night.

I really think you're nice, and I'm glad you want me bad, but I have to go.

Look, thank you for defending my tiny head.

Ellen, what's going on here? I just told you that stuff. What are you, like,

bugged or something?

Bugged?

You could have told me you were wired.

I tried to.

Things I said.

Hundreds of guys.

Oh, he's going to know it's a ballpark figure.

Get it? I blew it.

Hi.

Well, I'm going to go and fill out some paperwork.

Worst part of the job.

Mostly by you.

So I guess it's kind of my turn to say something.

Huh.

I don't think there's anything you could say that could make this situation any

better.

Would you like to have dinner with me Friday night?

Better.

You know, I have to admit, when I met you at Ellen's, I looked you up on my

computer.

You got a lot of parking tickets.

You looked me up?

Who would go to such length to meet a person?

I think I'm going to be sick.

I don't know. I think it's kind of cute.

that assaulted me.