Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of me.

Then along come two, they got nothing but their genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to think, different strokes to move the

world.

We'll be right back.

Yep, good old hamburger hanger.

Yep, yep, yep.

Ice cover every day just like you guys.

A lot of memories here.

I have a feeling your brother's about to bore us.

Count on it.

You know, every booth here has a special meaning to me.

I was in that one when I first kissed a girl.

Yeah, and isn't that the one you landed in when her boyfriend decked you?

No, it was that one over there.

My lucky boots.

Good old number 18.

This talk of vinyl's been pretty good to me.

Gentlemen, when it comes to attracting women, this is the lightning rod of

Well, that's strange. When Arnold sits in it, the lightning rod becomes a roach

motel.

Oh, man.

Here it goes.

My insides are turning cartwheels.

My head's on the ceiling.

And my stomach's doing a rumba.

The food here does that to me, too.

No, what was that black girl over there, Phyllis?

Arnold's crazy about her.

Oh, yeah, I know her older sister, Ann.

Yeah, Phyllis isn't bad. Why don't you ask her out, Arnold?

Are you kidding?

For starters, she doesn't even know me.

And she only dates guys who are athletic, brainy, and good -looking.

Which makes Arnold zero for three.

Shut up, or I'll tell everyone you have Muppet underwear.

Look, Arnold, I will introduce you to her. I know her older sister. Come on.

I don't know, Willis.

Arnold, she's only flesh and blood.

Yeah, but all that flesh and blood is in the right places.

Arnold, why don't you listen to Willis? Go for it. Take a chance.

Well, why not? What do I got to lose?

Your dignity.

Thank you, Charlie.

Hey, Arnold.

Have you figured out what you're going to say to her yet?

I have to talk to her?

Come on.

Hi, Ann.

Hey, look who's back from college. Willis Jackson.

How are you? Good.

You know my sister, Phyllis? Hi.

Hi. This is my brother, Arnold.

Hi, Arnold.

Hi.

Phyllis, do you know you and Arnold both go to Buchanan High?

You know, I probably passed you in the halls a million times and never noticed

you. Can't be true.

What was that, Arnold?

What he was trying to say was, hey, baby, how about me and you making up for

lost time?

Smooth talk does run in the family, Phyllis. That's not what it sounded like

me.

No, I think what Arnold was trying to say was... Arnold!

Oh, man.

Willis, something tells me you're trying to fix up your brother with Phyllis.

Something tells me you're right.

Something else tells me I just made my little brother feel awfully stupid.

Listen, Willis, that's really nice of you, but I don't even know Arnold.

But you guys will have a great time. You'd like them. You have a lot in

What do you like to do?

Go to the opera.

The opera.

Amazing. Arnold loves the opera.

You know, he's even got a pinup of Beverly Sills over his bed.

Willis, what you're trying to do is really sweet. And Arnold, I mean, he

like a nice guy, but don't you think you're pushing things a little bit?

I'm not pushing.

You like big weddings?

The truth, fellas, what do you really like to do?

I don't know. I guess the usual stuff.

Movies, concerts.

Oh, concerts.

Like which groups?

Mostly new wave groups. You know, like the Rocco, Super Flash, Rainbow

Rainbow Lobotomy?

You're kidding.

I know, I know. They're Arnold's favorite too, right?

No, no.

My roommate's father is Rainbow's manager.

Really? What did I lie to you?

Yeah.

Very funny.

No, I'm telling the truth, so help me.

My roommate even offered me free tickets for this weekend.

VIP seating, front row, center.

You want them?

I'd die for seats like that. I'd do anything.

Will you go with Arnold?

Look, I feel strange going out with someone just for free tickets.

I can get backstage passes, too.

Backstage passes?

Come to think of it, I kind of like Arnold.

Come on, for rainbow lobotomy, let me bend the rules a little bit.

All right, all right.

Tell him to dress rainbow.

Rainbow, great.

Arnold's going to be thrilled. Hey, and don't forget, not a word of this to him.

Don't worry, I won't say a word.

Hey, now, what would it take to get you to go out with me?

You could try asking nicely.

I never thought of that.

The Iron Ring, Team Luda, John the Bullet Field.

Yeah, my nickname is the Bullet.

I got that name living that street life, being through the things that I done

been through.

A one -on -one fight is nothing.

Iron Ring, Tuesday at 1030.

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They said the slaves would have never been free.

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Small changes, I can definitely do that.

It's not that funny.

It is.

I know it looks silly, but Phyllis said you have to dress like this for the

concert. Who's playing, Don King?

It's Rainbow Lobotomy.

Hey, who are you and what have you done with Arnold Jackson?

Dad, he's just for the concert. Get with it.

Hey, I'm plenty with it.

When I was young, we used to do the same kind of crazy things when we went to

see Sinatra. We all wore bow ties.

Come on, Sam. Time to go to bed.

Oh, but can I make fun of Arnold for five more minutes?

Cool it, Sam. I'm going to stick my hair on you.

Well, I guess this isn't the last time to see Arnold do something stupid.

Have fun, Arnold.

You know, Willis...

I can't figure why a gorgeous girl like Phyllis wants to invite me out.

Come on, Arnold. Cut the modesty act.

She obviously liked talking to you the other day.

But I didn't talk.

I just stood there listening to my stomach doing a rumba again.

Maybe she likes a strong silent type.

Or maybe it's your presence.

What presence? I ran away.

Hey, you played hard to get.

I've been playing hard to get for years.

I know, it's hard for me to get why girls bother with you.

You know, Willis, I just still can't figure this out.

Arnold, nothing that girls do ever make any sense.

It's part of their ambience.

That and their legs.

So come on, just relax and be yourself.

Sure, be myself.

If I can't be myself, I'm going to be Bozo.

Dad, it's only a little matchmaking.

No, no, it is not matchmaking. It's a bribe.

Now, how could you be so insensitive to your brother's feelings? Oh, come on,

Dad. He'll have a good time with her and won't even know about the tickets.

That'll only make matters worse.

Don't you see, all you're going to do is build up false hopes for Arnold.

What's going to happen the next time he asks her out and she says no? He will be

devastated.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I didn't think about that.

I guess you didn't.

Willis. I know you meant well, but Arnold must be told the truth before he

hurt. It's not going to be easy, Dad.

He's going to take this really hard.

Hey!

Yeah! Hi, Arnold.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Arnold. So be careful how you tell him, Dad.

Well, you created this mess. You move the talking.

Dad, it was a blast.

Dad, you know I can't be trusted. Look at how screwed things up already.

How'd it go? It go good?

Oh, Dad.

It was absolutely incredible.

We danced so hard, I even hurt my hair.

Well, I'm glad you liked the concert.

Are you kidding?

Rainbow Lobotomy stunk.

They stunk so bad, the lead singer went home early.

But I had a great time with Phyllis.

Oh, really?

Incredible.

You know, it was really nice of her to invite me. I bet she went through a lot

of trouble to get those tickets.

Uh...

I can imagine.

Hey, check out these pictures we took in the photo booth.

Phyllis is so cute.

She said, Arnold, you couldn't take a bad picture even if you wanted to.

What can I say? The girl is in love with me.

Uh, Arnold, look.

You have to be careful not to jump into these things too quickly.

Oh, don't worry, Dad. I think I know a good thing when I see it. And that's

She did ask me out.

True, Arnold, but you don't want to waste all your time just on one girl.

I mean, you got to spread your wealth around.

I've got wealth in 12 eastern states.

Well, I've already found the right person, and I owe it all to you, Willis.

you don't.

Hey, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to surprise Willis.

I'm going to have this picture of me enlarged and give it to her at our next

date.

Start talking.

Look,

sit down for just a minute.

Sure, Dad. What is it?

Well, I think there's something that we should discuss before you ask Phyllis to

go out again.

It's too late, Dad. She already asked me out again.

You're kidding.

It's like you said, Willis. Who can figure women?

Anyway, what did you want to say to me, Dad?

Uh... Well, it's just that, uh... I'm delighted that everything's working out

well with you and Phyllis.

Thanks, Dad.

So is she.

Phyllis, are you sure you don't mind seeing this movie again? I mean, it's

fourth time.

Look, Ann, I've said I've been to it four times, but that doesn't mean I've

it four times.

And I don't plan on seeing it again.

Well, you're going to be seeing it this time.

You know,

it's too bad Arnold and Phyllis didn't want to come with us. I know. They would

have had fun.

I'm still surprised that Phyllis went out with Arnold.

Well, if you remember, it took my charms and talent as a matchmaker.

Yeah, and to bribe a free concert ticket.

Pretty sneaky, Willis. Yeah. But I guess it makes a difference how they got

together. Of course. No one had to bribe you with any free concert tickets to

take me out.

Oh, no.

Come on, I don't want to miss the beginning of the movie.

Hey, I got a better idea. Why don't we save money and sit on the couch and not

watch the movie?

Well, it's out.

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Hey, Arnold, what a great move, you know?

It really makes a difference when you face the screen.

Well, let's just don't talk to me.

What's wrong, Arnold?

Well, she made me look like a fool.

You can't fill us with tickets to take me out.

Who ever said that is a liar?

Ann said it.

Well, I think what she meant was, um... I know what she meant. I heard her say

it.

Look, Arnold, you can't believe what women say when they're around me.

I mean, their brains turn to mush.

Look, Arnold, it's not how it sounds.

Well, it's just leave me alone.

Arnold, all I was trying to do was help.

Look at everything that turned out with you and Phyllis. Oh, yeah, it worked out

good for you.

You got by with just some free tickets.

Phyllis could have held out for a fur coat.

Let me tell you something. Arnold Jackson doesn't need it, you big creep.

Look, Arnold, all I was trying to do was help you out with your date.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what is all this commotion?

It's a fight, Mr. D. I don't ever want anything to do with my brother ever

again. Why?

What'd I do?

Not you, Sam.

Oh, good.

But I better get out of here before you find something.

Now, Arnold, would you please explain to me what's going on here?

All this stuff with Phyllis was a big joke.

Well, it's paid her to take me out.

He's got to be the biggest jerk I've ever met in my life.

Uh, Arnold.

Dad, I... I can't believe him. Not only did he do that, he was willing to let it

go on.

Listen, son, I know what Willis did.

You knew, and you didn't say anything either?

I'm sorry, Arnold.

I just can't believe this.

How could you do that?

I saw how happy you were, and I just didn't want to burst your bubble.

Phyllis really does like you. Oh, don't give me that garbage. I fell for that

once before.

She really does. She wants to keep going out with you, right?

Well, how much you paying for that?

Nothing. Oh, a bargain.

Look, Arnold, I understand how you feel.

You don't understand how I feel. If you did, you wouldn't have done this.

do this to me?

Sorry, Dad.

Arnold,

something's wrong with old number 18.

I've been sitting here for three hours.

Not a single girl's come over to talk to me.

Once started to, but then she put on her glasses.

I don't feel like hearing any more about this booth.

Oh, sure. What do you care? See, you have Phyllis, but no, I'm all alone.

It's just me and my turtle, Fred.

Charlie, I do have to worry.

Me and Phyllis? Oh, we're history.

Really? What happened, Arnold?

I guess we just weren't made for each other.

Man, Arnold, for a girl like that, I'd change.

I'd grow more arms, ears, backs, necks.

Anything she wanted.

Charlie, there are some things that are just impossible to change.

Not today, Arnold. They're making miracles with plastic surgery.

You know, my family paid a lot of money, and now they let my little sister sit

at the dinner table.

And never mind, Charlie. I'm just a bachelor now, just like you. No, Arnold,

have a turtle.

working again. A girl finally stopped here.

Uh, Charlie, do you mind? We have some very, very personal things to talk

Oh, no, not at all. So, if you'll have a seat.

Charlie, goodbye.

No, Arnold, you better stick around.

Phyllis may want to talk to you, too.

Charlie, leave.

Is it okay if I sit down?

I don't care.

Arnold, Ann told me you found out.

Look, I'm always sorry about this whole thing.

You should be.

It was a terrible, low -down, rotten thing you did to me.

It was degrading and humiliating.

You don't have to say any more, Arnold, because I feel awful about what I did.

But don't you understand?

I still want to keep going out with you.

Why? You trying to buy a condo?

What I did was wrong.

But if I hadn't done it, I never would have met you and found out what a

terrific guy you were.

You're not just saying that.

I really mean it.

And I really mean it when I say I want to keep going out with you.

And it's really important that you believe me.

Well, okay.

I believe you.

Thanks.

I really believe you.

But keep convincing me.

Mr. D? Yeah? Can I dump all my computer stocks and invest in fast foods?

Sure, Sam, but why?

Because I want to go to a stockholders meeting with Ronald McDonald.

Yeah, is Arnold home yet? Not yet, Willard.

Oh, well, I wish to get back so I can explain to him.

Maybe he wouldn't be so hurt.

Look, Willis, I feel as badly as you do, but we're just going to have to rely on

time.

Arnold, how about a movie tonight?

Willis was just telling us about one that's terrific. He's already seen it

times. I've got a date tonight.

Oh, who's the fox, Arnold?

Phyllis.

Phyllis! How many tickets did it cost you?

I'm just thrilled.

You're great news. Good for you, son. Looks like Dr.

Love scores again.

See? Everything worked out great.

Oh, it worked out fine with Phyllis.

I still haven't forgotten what you guys did to me.

Now, Arnold, you know that we were not trying to hurt you.

They really weren't, Arnold.

You've got to believe me.

I'm your friend.

Obviously not. You're taking their side.

No, Arnold. Just butt out, Sam.

What can we do to make you understand?

We try to take him out to dinner, invite him to a movie, everything.

Oh, bribing. That's right up your alley, Wolf.

Now, Arnold, really, I don't think that... Dad, just forget it.

I don't even want to hear it.

Hold it right there, young man.

We've heard just about enough out of you.

Now, I know that what we did hurt you.

But we thought we were doing it for your benefit, and you know that.

Now, you can disregard that if you want to. That's your business.

We said we're sorry.

But you are not about to cop an attitude and make everybody else's life around

here a living hell.

Do you understand that?

Yes, sir.

Maybe you better just go to your room and think about that.

Oh, Dad.

Wait a minute.

I don't want it to be this way.

Neither do I.

I'm really sorry. I guess I did carry this too far.

But it just hurts so bad.

Coming from you guys, I mean, you're my family.

I know, son.

Dad, I feel pretty lousy about all of this.

That's okay.

You don't have to be too hard on yourself.

I know.

I just wish there was some way I could make it up to you guys.

That is not necessary.

Well, I think it is.

I've got yelled at for no reason.

So I want a new G .I. Joe doll, more time to play with my country and western

albums, and I want the good side of the room.

And for you two guys with girls, I want to listen in, okay?

And you know what's the best thing I want to do?

You know what you need to go on and do is write your phone number down.

And while you're at it, put your mother's address down.

Why? Because I want to send her a thank you card for creating that body.

My man is in rare form tonight.

Chicks. Doug, I'll bet you meet a lot of chicks being a juggler. Oh, yeah.

Women love a juggling man.

What?

You are the man!

What can I say? You know what I'm saying? It's rough being a love guy, but

somebody got to do it.

Please, you guys are out of control.

You'll hit on any... Hey, not anything.

And the Player Hater Award goes to Nicolette Banjo.

Nicolette, Eddie and I both tried the commitment thing. And what happened to

Eddie? Man, we got burned. We got fried.

Wallet was empty.

As a result, neither one of us are interested in serious relationships

now. I mean, it's like you can spread the wealth around to the female species.

You know, it's kind of like giving back to the community.

That's right.

Hey, hey, will you guys teach me how to... Mack?

Bruh, this way.

Look, macking is not a game, it's an art form, man. It takes focus.

You gotta make that woman feel like she's the only lady on the planet.

Well, what if that doesn't work for me? Sure, picture me.

how women can be so stupid. I mean, falling for those same old tired, corny

lines.

If you give me your number, I'd die a happy man.

Okay.

What? Can't I grant a dying man his last wish?

May I have a champagne cocktail?

Sure, coming right up.

Hey, uh, Doc!

Hey, you know, I'll take care of that big guy.

Make it extra sweet, please. Extra sweet? All right, well, the only problem

foresee with that is it won't be sweet until your lips touch the glass.

Tracy Burke, and I'm in the book.

Malcolm McGee, and I'm in love.

You are the man!

It's an inflected funny bone.

It's just gonna leave you alone while you're sitting inside your home.