Original subtitles

So, you guys keep it locked because we have more BET coming up. Oh, if you're

currently living your dreams, God bless. Congratulations.

And if you're not, keep pursuing them, but have a backup plan.

Hey, can I please talk

to my busted babies real quick, homie?

Let me bring you my world. Let you know what I call the busted baby.

We'll be right back.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Everybody know that I'm mine. My baby. My baby.

Everybody know that I'm mine.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

They say he's an entertainer. Slow down. You're just one more.

He don't respect you.

He just gonna hurt you. Well,

let them say what they wanna. I made a promise.

You're right and I'm gonna.

Girl, I do everything I can to prove I'm a better man than your friends think I

am.

We'll be right back.

Cause when we finish, she messed up all my bed set.

She got something to relax me when I'm under stress.

Never told her to let her know I was getting fed. She like to tell her name

a...

If you had told me it was this good, I'd have never guessed.

She's full of surprises. I don't know what she'll do next.

When I sleep, I sneak and put hickeys on her neck. And when she go, I can shut

down the whole set.

Lord, I see in heels with the slit in her dress. She like to do her own hat

get her own check.

My butt says, baby, I keep on. She got me speeding in the fast lane. Pedal to

the plow main.

Trying to get back to her love.

Best believe she got that good.

Thank you

guys

so much at home for watching. I greatly appreciate that.

Everyone else, peace and blessings to you all. Enjoy the rest of your day. I'm

out.

They got nothing but the genes But they got different strokes to take Different

strokes to take Different strokes to move the world Everybody's got a

special kind of story Everybody finds a way to shine It don't matter

that you got

Hello, Maggie.

Hello, Dad. How's my favorite family doing? Just fine, thank you. Well, you

certainly are chipper this morning. You certainly are, Arnold. You do know it's

a school day, don't you?

Yes, Maggie.

See, this year our class is in charge of the charity fundraiser, and today I'm

going to be elected chairman of the entertainment committee.

Oh, really? What makes you so sure you will be elected?

Could you vote against this phase?

I'll get it. Oh, man.

Today's a great day.

Absolutely nothing can go wrong. I can feel it.

Well, are you taking me to school or not, squid bait?

Not!

Arnold,

that was very rude.

You don't... slam the door in a person's face.

Carmella's not a person, and that's not a face.

And besides that, Dad, she thinks that just because she grew up on an army

she could push me around.

Arnold, we want you to be nice to her. She's a visitor to our country.

It's more like a visitor to our planet.

Come in, Carmella. Good morning, Carmella. Hello, Mrs. Drummond. Hello,

Drummond. Hello, squid bait.

Oh, Arnold, I probably should have mentioned this to you before, but since

is Carmella's first day at school, we thought it would be nice if you'd take

along with you and introduce her to some of your friends.

Why? They hate practical jokes.

You've been given a direct order by your parents. If you were in my father's

outfit, you'd be double -timing a 20 -mile hike with a full backpack.

Hi, Willis.

Oh, no.

Not the mad Italian pincher.

Yes, you. Ever since you moved here, you've pinched me so many times, I've

polka dot buns.

Carmela, listen, in America, women don't pinch men.

Unless they're married to them.

All right, it's time to take me to school. Let's move them out, sweet pea.

Dad, do I have to taste her? That's right, sweet pea.

Come on, Arnold. She doesn't know anybody. It's her first day.

All right.

A tan hut!

Why do I always fall for that? Because you're a knucklehead. Now move it out.

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I like the currency.

I think I'll have a rear poster to match my eyes.

Or you can have it all with stuff to match your head.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Arnold Jackson and his band of merry twits.

You know, nobody's supposed to be sitting in that seat until we elect a

chairman. Well, if this chair's for nobody, have a seat.

Just wait, Arnold Jackson. You're in for a big surprise.

Hey, are we going to elect a chairman or are we going to sit here all day and

watch Lisa's lips flap?

Arnold! Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold! Me?

What a surprise.

I guess Lionel's a good choice if you don't mind electing someone whose IQ is

less than his shoe size.

But before you make it official, last night I spoke to my Uncle Charles, a

important music agent.

He said if I was elected chairman of the committee, he would get us Lionel

Richie for our fundraiser.

Lisa! Lisa!

Lisa! Hold it!

You mean to tell me you'd vote for Lisa just because she can get Lionel Richie?

Come on.

This vote should be decided on ability, intelligence, and integrity.

By the way, did I mention I can get Mr. T?

Hey, yeah. They once filmed an episode of the A -Team in Arnold's apartment.

And they've been pen pals ever since.

That's right.

It's a little -known fact that the A in A -Team stands for Arnold.

Lisa! Lisa!

Lisa! Lisa! Thank you, everybody.

I'll start to make the arrangements immediately.

But first...

Buzz off and get out of my seat, fungus brain.

It's a good thing I'm not bringing Mr. T here.

Your breath would melt his mohawk.

Thanks a lot, you two.

You really want Lionel Richie that bad?

Richie, why no school?

Yeah, everyone's excited.

My mom, my dad, my sister, even my dog.

Last night he spelled out lion on his kibble.

Yeah, it's too bad.

I can just see Mr. T laying around his swimming pool in Hollywood, rubbing

suntan lotion on his chains, talking to our good friend Tina Turner.

I can just hear her now.

But he made it.

I love to appear at Arnold Jackson's benefit.

Hey, here's Lisa.

What happened?

What's happening?

What did he say? He took one look at her face and said, forget it, I don't sing

at dog shows.

wrong, Lisa?

There is no Lionel Richie.

Oh, no.

First Santa Claus and now this.

No, stupid.

My uncle talked to Lionel last night, but he can't make it.

Well, if you can't get Lionel Richie, you can't be chairman.

Yeah, I guess we should have voted for you after all, Arnold.

Well, it's not too late to change your minds.

Arnold! Arnold!

Arnold! Yeah, then I say let's vote for Arnold.

Because he's going to get us Mr. T, right, Arnold?

Uh, yeah, right. Hey, you want Mr. T? You got Mr.

T.

Arnold! Arnold!

Arnold! Arnold!

Arnold! Arnold!

Arnold! Arnold!

Whoa.

That's a three -shooter.

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It's 1030.

I know it's the fourth time I've called, but are you sure Mr. Chief won't be

back for two weeks?

Well, if he comes back early, please have him call Arnold Jackson.

Thanks.

Was that Mr. Chief's agent?

No, his jeweler.

Oh, you gotta help me.

Carmella is driving me crazy.

For you, that's just a short drive.

Arnold, listen, man, if you see Carmella, tell her I got a steady

I've moved to Detroit, I've become a priest, and I've got a disease they

even named yet.

Better yet, I'll give her your private phone number and you can tell her

yourself.

You do that and I'll reach out and choke someone.

What kind of behavior is that for a priest?

Well, Arnold, how's the big talent search going?

I'd even settle for a gong show reject.

I've got an idea. You might consider my boyfriend.

The one with no hair?

Right. He can slap his head and play Swanee River.

Uh, no thanks, Pearl.

Come to think of it, he can slap anywhere and play Swanee River.

And we'll go honky -tonking, honky -tonking. We'll go honky

-tonking, honky -tonking. We'll go honky -tonking. Run this train!

Sam, what are you doing?

Thanks, but I'm not that desperate.

You will be in a couple of days.

Come on, Arnold.

I'll be terrific.

Super. The best.

You'll see.

Look, Sam, if that crowd does not get a star, they may want blood.

I'm really not that good, Arnold.

Listen, Sam, just don't tell Maggie or Dad about this, okay? Tell Dad what?

Nothing, right, Sam?

Right.

Mr. D, you could pull my toenails out and I still wouldn't tell you about the

mess, Arnold, then.

Sam, why don't I talk to Arnold alone about this, okay?

Yes, sir.

Bye, Arnold.

I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes.

Well, young man, what's the story?

I get very interested.

What's the problem?

See, Dad, when Lisa definitely had Lionel Richie, I mentioned that maybe,

possibly, I could get Mr.

T.

And now the whole school is expecting you to deliver Mr.

T. You catch on fast, Dad.

Thanks, Arnold.

Now, why do you think that you said what you did about Mr. T?

Well, I've got to keep up my image of a big man on campus.

You know, Arnold,

often people, nice people, attractive people, don't really believe that others

will like them for themselves.

Okay, Dad.

I know I act like that sometimes.

Well, it's important for you to realize that that kind of behavior is really

unnecessary. You don't need that. You are a terrific young man.

Right, Sam?

Right, Mr. D.

Well, you should have told me this last week, Dad. I'm in a real jam.

You think you could pull some strings and call some of your important friends

and give me a star for the show?

No, son, I think this would be a better lesson to you if you didn't have to work

it out yourself.

But, Dad, how?

If I can't get a star for charity night, I'm going to have to go on stage and

tell the truth.

That's right, son.

Well, I guess I could tell the truth.

That sounds like a good idea to me.

You can't beat the truth.

Second thought, I could still get a star.

Hello. Acme Talent Agency?

Yeah. My school's putting on a charity show, and I'd like to know what kind of

stars you may have available.

Why would a lady want to tie herself into a knot?

So, Arnold, who do we got for the show?

Well, I've got a dancer. a musician, and I'm thinking about hiring an escape

artist to get me out of this mess.

Boy, Arnold, if you don't want to get a big star, I'm not coming to charity

night. I don't want to see you get beat up.

Here we are.

Hey, boys.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Excuse me, I've got to go. Mr. Turner's taking us to soccer practice. Have a

good practice, Sam. I will.

And don't try to stop any more goals with your face.

Can I get some fancy footwork? Sure.

Arnold,

I think we may have the answer to your star search dilemma.

Really? I mean, if you do, I'd be eternally grateful.

Eternally grateful? That should be good for a couple of weeks.

Don't keep me in suspense.

Who have you got?

Carmella.

Keep me in suspense.

Now, Arnold, we just had a talk with her. Did you know her father is with a

in Europe?

That's right, and he knows a lot of big stars. You might just want to ask her if

she can help you.

Ask Carmella for help?

Oh, Dad, I can't do that. I'd never hear the end of it.

I'd rather be boiled in oil.

I'd rather be pulled apart by wild horses.

I'd rather be dunked in honey and tied to an ant hill.

Please, you've got to let me speak to Bruce Springsteen.

We're close personal buddies.

You could do it, too.

Your parents tell me you might need some help.

Not me.

I haven't got any problems.

Really? I heard you still don't have a star for charity night.

Well, nothing definite.

But I've still got a lot of irons in the fire.

I'm expecting a call from Mr. T any time now.

I thought you couldn't get him.

Well, Mr. T's thinking about sending one of his friends.

I'm leaning towards Stevie Wonder.

But another way to go is, uh, Willie Nelson.

I don't know. I can think of another way to go.

Okay, Dad.

Uh, Carmilla, I think I'm gonna need your help.

What's that?

I said I may need your help.

Sounded like you said I need your help.

I did.

So what can I do for you, Squidbait?

Oh, nothing special.

Do you think your dad could get me Bob Hope?

Well, Bob Hope or even someone bigger if... I knew it. Name your blackmail.

For starters, you can't slam the door in my face anymore.

Okay. And secondly...

You gotta stop doing those jokes about me.

Oh, all right.

And thirdly, I want Willis' private phone number. No. No

way. No. That's completely out of the question.

Thanks for the memory.

555 -9470.

I'll be a brief intermission.

Excuse me, Mr. Drummond. Are these seats taken? No, Pearl. We've been saving

them for you.

Mr.

and Mrs. Drummond, I'd like you to meet Mr.

Wright.

Isn't he just wonderful?

Not a hair.

hose container.

Dad, Maggie, have you seen Carmella? I can't find her anywhere.

No, Arnold, we haven't seen her.

Oh, man, I knew it. She's not getting me a star.

She told me not to worry, but she was just setting me up to get killed.

We want the star.

We want the star.

We want the star. Nobody ever got killed.

Ladies and gentlemen, I guess I must apologize to everyone.

I wasn't able to get Mr.

T.

I was even trying to get Bob Hope, but...

Uh,

excuse me, everyone. I'll be right back.

Come on, please tell me you've got someone.

Well, I knew it. Look, Arnold, my father didn't have time to get Bob Hope.

But I wouldn't let you down. I've got someone.

Who?

Well, they want it to be a big surprise. Just get out there and give them a big

introduction. But who do I have to do?

Swing it. You'll think of something.

Go ahead.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

I think we have a star.

Now, this is someone who's known to us all.

who's possibly made us laugh many times or danced for us many times or maybe

sung to us many times.

Let's hear it for, um... that person.

It's all over.

Well, it was nice having Arnold as a brother.

Arnold's trying to pull a fast one.

I love it.

This is my kind of show.

Arnold Jackson's a dead man.