Original subtitles

Oh, no, to the feet of just one drum, what might be right for you may not be

right for some. A man is born, he's a man of means, then along come two.

They got nothing but the genes, but they got different strokes to take,

different strokes to take, different strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody...

We don't matter that you got not a lot. So what? I'll have theirs and you'll

have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine.

Different strokes to move the world. Different strokes to move the world.

Let me feel you for it again, baby.

You're still running a little temperature.

How does your throat feel?

It's all warm and scratchy.

Kind of like I swallowed a sweater.

Here, let's get your jammies on.

I thought I heard someone up here. How come you're home so early, Maggie?

Sam's got himself a sore throat.

The school called me at the studio to come pick him up.

Oh, I hope it's not another case of tonsillitis. So do I.

Poor little Sam, suffering so.

Oh, swollen throat and sore glands.

All the pain, the misery, the agony.

Don't feel that bad, Pearl.

Yes, you do.

Oh, he's brave for someone so short.

I'm going to fix some hot tea with lemon and honey.

Sam, I like that very much.

Oh, then I'll fix him a cup, too.

Mama, I feel worse than that time I was little and I ate Uncle Carl's chewing

tobacco.

Well, don't you worry, baby.

Uncle Carl is not going to yell at you this time. I know. I remember the

funeral.

How come I keep getting sore throats all the time, Mama? I don't know, honey.

I'm going to call Dr. Glassman right now.

You mean Dr.

Glassman with the needles?

Mm -hmm. You know, Mama, I'm starting to feel a lot better.

I'll be sure to tell him.

told me you got sent home with another sore throat.

Yeah, I tried to stop it. I even got a burp this morning and gargled.

I know.

It sounded like Pearl had another spoon caught in a garbage disposal.

Sorry, Will.

Hey, look at it this way, Sam.

At least you got out of school early.

Yeah, I got sent home a half hour early.

Only a half hour?

Sam, look, let me explain something to you.

When you're sick,

attendance barf.

I yipped myself, huh?

You sure did.

You don't want to waste being sick.

It's kind of like legal hooky.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Well, how do things look, Dr. Glassman?

Well, I'm not going to pull any punches.

Sam, I'm going to have to put you in the hospital and take your tonsils out

right away.

I thought you didn't take out consoles anymore.

Normally, we don't. But Sam is chronic, and they're blocking his air passage.

Then we have no choice. We'll have a little talk with him. I'll reserve a bed

for him in a couple of days. His inflammation will be down by then.

I'll show myself out.

Make him stop giggling!

Now, Sam, listen, you're a big boy now, and there is nothing to be afraid of.

I think you're talking to the wrong end. The part that listens is down there.

Oh, right.

Now, listen, Sam.

You know that we all love you, and we would not let anything bad happen to

That means he's running out of air.

Oh. Sam.

You all right, son?

Yes, Mr. D. But I don't want to go to the hospital. I hate him.

Now, Sam, have you ever been to the hospital?

Yeah, he mentioned Cub Scouts. Good, because the Cub Scouts are important.

The Cub Scouts don't want a sick little boy. They want you strong and healthy.

That's right, Sam.

No little old lady's going to let herself be helped across the street by a

that's sicker than she is.

It doesn't matter, Mr. D, because I'm not allowed to cross the street anyway.

Okay, well, listen, Sam, I think maybe I forgot to tell you how much fun it's

going to be in the hospital.

Fun? Sure.

You'll be in there with a lot of kids your age.

It'll be like one big party. Little piles of ice cream and everything.

Party? Ice cream?

Really?

Mr. D, you wouldn't pull a little guy's leg now, would you?

Cross my heart and hope to die. My hair.

Okay, I guess I'll go.

Good boy.

Sam, you are one brave soldier.

Maggie, I just want you to know I'm praying that Sam makes it.

Oh, no.

It's only tonsil.

Maggie, there's no such thing as only tonsil. I know all about medicine. I

watched four years of General Hospital.

And here, I sterilized his slippers in the microwave.

Why, thank you, Pearl.

Those hospital slippers slide right off and you end up walking on your bare

heels. Yeah, but they're not as bad as a hospital gown that ties in the back.

You have to walk real fast to stay in it.

Hi, dear.

Well, hi, dear, yourself. Why are you limping?

Limping? Who, me?

I didn't think you'd notice it.

Philip Drummond, what happened?

Well, I was playing tennis this morning with Dr.

Drysdale. He hit a lucky shot. I went one way and my knee went the other.

Knees, throats, tonsils. It's an epidemic.

Pearl, would you get me an ice pack, please?

Sure, Mr.

Drummond. It'll just take me a minute to run it through the microwave.

Thanks, Pearl.

Well, did the doctor look at your knee?

Yeah, we went back to his office and he took a few x -rays.

And? And nothing.

See? I can walk.

How serious is the nothing?

Just a little cartilage damage. Nothing serious.

How nothing serious?

All right. He wants me to go into the hospital and have surgery.

My stars and garters.

When do you have to go?

I am not going. Not on your life.

Why not?

A lot of good reasons.

I'm too busy. I haven't got time.

A lot of important things going on down at the office.

Board meetings, a lot of big board meetings.

And don't forget your Cub Scout.

That's right, Cub Scout.

I think you're right.

Look, Maggie, I hate hospitals.

They scare me to death. Ever since I was little, I visited one once. It was like

a prison.

All the nurses looked like George Raft.

Phil, I can understand why you're afraid, but Dr. Dryfield is a wonderful

surgeon. Oh, sure. What if he has an off day?

Supposing he sends in somebody else, you never know who's behind those masks.

Bella, I want you to stop this nonsense and take care of yourself.

Maggie, dear, I love you dearly. I would do anything in the world for you,

except go into the hospital.

Mama!

You do?

Off me!

I'm starting to fall in love.

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Sam, don't unpack.

Why'd you have to lie to me about the hospital, Mr. D?

Well, see, that was for your own good.

I don't get it. Every time a grown -up says it's for your own good, it either

tastes bad, it's something to read, or it's gonna hurt.

Maggie told me what happened, Dad.

Smooth.

Arnold, I'm not going to the hospital if he's not.

Now, Sam.

Operation is much, much more important than mine.

Why?

Well, I don't have to breathe through my knee.

You know, I've kept my mouth shut so far, but you guys are really being

Listen, Dad, maybe you should sit down.

Now, I know a hospital is no bed of roses, but there's no reason to be

I mean, you must remember that I've been there. I've been under the knife.

I had the big A.

Amputation?

No, Sam.

Appendix.

They don't call me Mr. Guts for nothing.

Mr. Guts, the way I remember it, you snuck out of the hospital and ran away.

I didn't exactly run away.

I was just stretching my legs a little.

Oh, you stretch your legs all the way back to our apartment.

All right, so I was a little scared.

But once I went through with it, it wasn't so bad.

Forget it, Arnold.

I'm still afraid.

Sam, will you stop acting like such a kid?

But I am a kid.

Dad, you're still not that afraid, are you?

Oh, no.

What a pair of wimps.

What are you guys scared of?

Lots of things.

For instance, will I look the same without my tonsils?

Hopefully better.

Sam, you look just the same.

Sam, you need this operation.

If you don't do it for yourself, will you please do it for me?

For you?

Yeah.

That throat makes you sound like a foghorn.

There are some nights I think I'm sleeping in the Panama Canal.

You might be right.

My throat sure does feel crummy.

And that is exactly why you should go to the hospital and have it taken care of.

And so should you, Dad.

Why? My knee doesn't sound like a foghorn.

That knee will just get worse, and your tennis game's already bad enough.

Thank you, Howard Cosell.

Boy, it really does hurt.

Now, are you two going to grow up and go to the hospital?

Well, what do you say, Sam?

My tonsils will go off, your knee will go.

Fair enough. My knees are packing their bags.

Gosh, I'm good.

Now, you see, Sam, look at all these nice people. Right.

There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Then how come your hand's all sweaty?

Well, I'm excited.

It's a big adventure this is going to be, and when I get excited, I sweat.

My, Philip, you're as excited as a pig.

Is that what I'm going to look like when it's over?

No, Sam, you're going to look great. Like Tom Selleck.

And remember, son, Mr. D got permission to stay in the same room with you.

You bet.

You and I are going to be like the two musketeers.

Sounds good, Mr. D, but I'm still not sharing my ice cream with you. Oh, no

problem. There'll be plenty to go around.

Hey, this is going to be like having your tonsils out in Baskin -Robbins.

Hey, look at this great room.

Hey, this isn't a room. This is more like Disneyland.

But where's Goofy? Oink, oink.

Isn't this fun, Sam?

Yeah, fun.

Excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.

You know, Maggie, I should have had this operation a long time ago. I'm glad

we're doing it.

Phillip, I'm proud of you. You're taking all this so well.

Yeah, I know I am.

Maggie,

don't let him cut me open.

Sam, I hear you.

But you don't understand.

I'm even afraid of Q -tips.

Dylan, stop being ridiculous.

Okay, you're right.

You're right.

I've got to pull myself together.

Dr. Palmer, report to surgery.

Where's my pants? I've got to get out of here. You know such things.

Now, you get right in this bed.

Hey, Mac, you want to pipe down? I'm trying to listen to the ballgame.

You can call me Mr. Drummond.

What you in for, Drummond?

I'm going to have an operation on my knee.

Oh, that's what my father said when he went in for his vasectomy.

What are you in for?

Tonsils. Our son is going to have his tonsils out, too.

Yeah, I had mine out a couple days ago. If you look close, you can see the

stump.

Yeah,

it's a killer operation.

Look, please don't say anything about that to our son. He is a little nervous.

Chicken, huh? Well, I guess we know whose side of the family he takes after.

Can you imagine that?

You should have given that kid a personality transplant.

Listen, Maggie, you've got to get me out of here.

I mean, this is not right.

I'm rich. I could have somebody doctor up my X -rays.

Yeah. If you don't stop, I'm going to get Morty to talk to you again.

Hi there, roomie.

Hey, they got monkey bars around the toilet so you can hang upside down when

go to the bathroom.

You get on in the bed now, Sam.

Phillip, I'm going to go finish filling out all those forms.

I'll be right down the hall.

Hey, she's got a nice pair of wheels.

You stop looking at her wheels.

Hi, kid. Time for medication.

Oh, my.

We're a big one, aren't we?

Well,

my son and I are both going to have operations.

Now, that's what... I call a close family.

Oh, now it's time to take a pill.

Hey, I'm Dr.

Jolly. Will you take it for me?

Come on, big guy. Make a tunnel.

Okay.

Ooh,

num -num.

Oh, good boy.

very keen on pills.

I'm not going to do it for Dr.

Jolly.

You're not?

Well, I guess it's just going to have to be an injection.

to your tummy -wummy and you'll be in dreamland pronto.

Oh, good boy.

Dr. Drysdale wants your temperature taken.

Okay, fine.

That's not the way that we take temperatures in the children's room.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Not on your life.

This door ain't gonna open.

All right.

But cooperation's very important to remember as we grow older.

Right, Dr.

Jolly? Right, Nurse Fleming?

Remember, hospitals are neat, but things go better when we cooperate.

Time to check your temperature.

Oh, good, you're normal.

Well, that makes one of us.

I think that was a cheap slam on us, Dr. Jolly.

Yes, it was.

We'll just have to come in here later when he's asleep, and then we'll...

Shame, Dr.

Jolly!

We'd never get away with that.

Just a thought.

Well, pleasant dreams.

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They say they've given you some medication.

That's right, but it doesn't seem to be working.

Philip, you look as happy as a bullfrog on a lily pad.

You say the sweetest things.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Drummond. You'll have to leave now. These gentlemen are

going to take them to the fix -it room.

Just a moment.

Sam, Rachel.

When you come back, your tonsils won't bother you anymore, all right?

Yes, Mama.

And you, you're going to be up and playing tennis before you know it,

Well,

Sam?

Well, Mr. D?

Let's show them what we're made of.

How does this look?

That's good, Phillip. You're doing just fine.

Hey, you'll be chasing Maggie around the house in no time.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Arnold, but I think I'd better sit down

have a little rest.

Don't you worry. You'll be off those before you know it.

I don't know. I'm getting to kind of like them.

I can turn the TV on without getting off the couch.

How's your throat, darling?

It's getting better every day, Mama.

Oh, Sam.

I can't wait for you to start talking again.

Thanks, Arnold.

Well, now that you're both feeling better, here's a little present I got

from the hospital gift shop.

Come on, big guys. Make a ton of...

Hey, what are you doing with those?

No policy in my garage.

Free drinks while you wait.

Did I mention my new policy?

Free tune -ups while y 'all drink on my man right here.

I'm going to put it back, man. How you get this sucker to suck? All right.

This is going so great, Nicolette. I've never been so happy. Y 'all know I've

been looking for the perfect roommate. Well, here she is.

Aw, Nicolette, I can't be the perfect roommate when you're the perfect

Isn't that cute?

Eddie, now you know you're the perfect...

Five bucks says Holly's on the street by Friday.

What time?

Noon. 1130.

You got it.

Isn't it quite funny, Bob?

They just won't leave you alone.

What is this? Is that your home?

To Mr.

Gordon of Gordon's Groceries, who I hope will allow my customers to park in his

parking lot at night.

Of course, after you close at 8, so you don't even know the parking lot's even

being used.

And if you don't agree, lunch is still on me.

This wine's a little vinegary.

Oh, well, I'm sorry about that. Let me get you a glass from my private reserve.

Oh, look.

Run down to the liquor store and buy a really good bottle of wine.

Ooh, ten dollars.

Why don't I buy two bottles?

Just go.

Okay,

my best vintage is on its way. I sent the girl down to the cellar.

Mr. McGee.

I'd like to help, but I've got enough riff -raff hanging around my store

business hours. I hear you, Mr. Gordon, but McGee's is not the sort of place

that attracts riff or raff.

Hey, you don't walk away from me, I'll go off.

Once in a while, a little riff, but raff never.

I'm sorry, sir, but once I start writing the ticket, I have to finish.

Hey, I was only out of my car for five minutes.

Then you should have put five minutes worth of change in your meter.

Now, will you please step aside?

Not until you tear up this ticket.

Excuse me, brother.

I believe the lady made her feelings crystal clear.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the brother asking you to leave.

Asking isn't working. You're gonna have to make me.

There is no fighting in my bar.

You can settle this the Kung Fu way.

A match at Chan's studio, Friday noon.

Things will be...