Original subtitles

It wouldn't be right to throw a big party while the economy is in such a

recession. Thank you, Elliot Janeway.

Bye. Bye.

You know, when Arnold starts to worry about the economy, I start to worry

Arnold. I have a feeling there's something that he is not telling us.

would he turn on a birthday party?

You're not having a birthday party?

Arnold, you just ruin my appetite.

In that case, I'll finish your lunch. I just got my appetite back.

Well, I'm sorry, Dudley, but there isn't going to be a birthday party.

Man, there's sure going to be a lot of disappointed kids, Arnold.

Your birthday party's a social event of the year, next to some of Cockroach

Race's at school.

I have my reasons for not having a party, Dudley.

Like what?

Well, I can't tell you. It's very personal.

Look. I'll make a trade with you.

If I tell you something real personal about me, then can you tell me?

I guess so.

Okay.

Don't ever mention this, but one night last week, I dreamed I was a baby.

I was lying in my crib, sucking on a pacifier.

When I woke up, I discovered I wet my bed.

That's not personal enough.

Not personal enough?

Even my mother doesn't know.

I was washing sheets at 2 o 'clock in the morning.

Some friend you are, Arnold. Get yourself another death penalty.

Don't wait, Dudley. I'll tell you. I don't want to hear it. It's too late.

Okay. Why don't you want to give a party?

Well, look at me.

Okay.

What do you see?

I see you.

Now, what about me?

You got a new pimple?

I mean, besides that.

Look at all of me. Not just my face.

What do you see?

I wet the bed and you tell me you're short?

Arnold, everybody knows that.

Yeah, especially girls.

That's the problem.

You mean you're not going to have another birthday party to your tall?

Nope. Girls don't go for me.

Are you kidding?

You're very popular.

Girls like you.

Not the way I want them to.

They don't take me seriously.

They... Treat me like a pet.

They pat my head, rub my cheeks, pull my ears.

They do everything but throw a stick and yell fetch.

Come on, Arnold. You're exaggerating.

No, I'm not. It was different when I was younger. But now that I'm 11,

everybody's got a girl but me.

No girl wants to kiss a guy who only comes up to her training bra.

have a girl, Dudley.

What do you mean, even me?

I'm a very charming, debonair dude.

I'm one of the most eligible guys in the sixth grade.

You're also taller than me.

That's why you got a girl and I don't.

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

Hi, Teresa.

See what I mean?

I'm surprised you didn't offer me a bowl of kibble.

Are you kidding?

She likes you.

She makes a special point of coming over.

She gives you a big smile and a big hello.

And you just sit there like that incredible lump.

Don't you like her?

Like her?

When I'm not dreaming about food, I dream about her.

But what did you expect me to do?

Climb up on her lap? and kiss her?

No, but if you acted more friendly and invited her to that party that you ought

to be throwing, I bet she'd say yes.

No way. You're just chicken.

Okay, Dudley.

I guess I'm gonna have to show you. I'm gonna go over there and ask her and

she's gonna dump all over me and make me feel like dirt and then that'll prove

what a fool you are.

Sounds reasonable.

Hi, Teresa.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Um, well, Saturday's my birthday.

Not that I'm trying to hit you up for a present.

Well, congratulations, Arnold.

Anyway,

I was thinking of throwing a party.

And if I did, you probably wouldn't want to come.

Oh, I'd love to.

I don't blame you for not... Did you say love, too?

I'd like to go very much, Arnold. I'm glad you asked me.

You are?

Well, that's terrific.

It's Saturday night at my penthouse.

Arnold!

Did you change your mind?

No, but what time is the party?

What time would you like it to be?

How about 7 o 'clock?

You got it. I'll see you.

We're going to have the best party I ever gave.

Only this time we're not going to be stupid.

We're going to shake hands first, then play spin the bottle.

Way to go, lover.

Hi, Teresa.

Hi, Arnold.

I forgot to ask you.

How are you getting to the party?

I guess my folks will bring me.

I can do better than that. I'll send my dad's chauffeur limo for you.

I'm talking long, black, and paid for.

Oh, I can't believe this. It's just like in the movies. A penthouse, a big

party, a limo.

I feel like Cinderella.

Yeah?

How would you like to be Cinderella?

What do you mean?

What I mean is, I'll make it a costume party.

And you could dress like Cinderella.

But please, don't think of me as your fairy godmother.

Marlon, you're too much. I am?

picked up in a limousine.

Limousine? Fantastic!

That's right, Dudley. I got a date with Teresa.

I got a date!

I guess she liked you all the time, but you just never made the big move.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe I got that kind of charm that sneaks up on women.

But anyway, it looks like little Arnold's got himself a big mama.

This is going to be the biggest night of my life.

Come on.

One man seeks redemption.

I got to have one in midlife crisis, you know. And find his voice.

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I'll put these over here. Great. Here, Adelaide. Thanks a lot for helping me,

gang. Oh, they are going to look so cute in their costumes.

Oh, Willis, couldn't we hang around so we could see them? No way. Right, Dad?

Right. Arnold gave strict orders.

Anybody over 12 years old caught in the living room gets a nose full of party

dip.

Well, what about you, Adelaide? You're over 12.

I got a fake ID.

Arnold gave me a special pass for serving.

I put hairspray on my plumes.

Who are you supposed to be, Arnold?

Who else? Prince Charming.

Might one ask if there's a Cinderella?

One might ask, but one ain't gonna see her because one ain't gonna be here.

I happen to know that Cinderella's name is Teresa.

I'm arranged to have her picked up in my chauffeur -driven pumpkin.

Sounds like we got a hot romance going on here. Tell us about it, Prince.

Well, I first saw her last semester.

Our eyes went across a crowded cafeteria.

I got so excited, I squeezed my hot dog right out of the bun.

Boy, she must be something really special.

All right, how come you never mentioned your dream girl before now?

I never knew she liked me.

I worshipped her from afar, but now I'm going to worship her from an ear.

His Highness has just issued a royal proclamation. We're all banished from

living room.

My first guest. Get banished. I'm going. Get banished. I'm going.

I'm going. I'm going.

Food's on the table.

Everybody, start pigging out.

Who are you supposed to be, Arnie?

Prince Charming. Who are you?

President Reagan.

President Reagan?

Yeah, in his movie, Cattle Queen of Montana.

I was lucky. I missed that one.

Have some food, Dudley. Okay.

mine.

Well, it's a coincidence that Prince Charming meets a Cinderella in the

going to the same party. It's not a coincidence, Arnold. We came together in

your limousine.

Billy's my date.

You're talking about Teresa.

Well, enjoy yourselves.

Uh, excuse me.

I have to go to the kitchen to kill myself.

You're sitting on the couch, you're watching TV, and your life's passing you

Maybe I'll go to school next year, maybe next semester. No, do it right now.

They'll work with you after work, or you can go before work. Go talk to somebody

right now. They out to help you. All you gotta do is pick up the phone and make

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I refer to myself as just,

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Guess who's back in the building?

Nothing but party people.

It's your dirty Nelly. I'm going to be holding this thing down all week. It's a

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There are people that don't want to be around each other. What kind of bisexual

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It was just inappropriate for my mother to be in the room. The tissue is so

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Don't make me because I will.

I can't go out to dinner with this mother.

You can tell he's frustrated.

His jaw is clenched.

He's not really trying to say anything.

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Why don't we get... Okay, enjoy the movie. Can I have fun, kids?

Hey, Arnold, how's the party going? You having a good time?

Send everybody home.

What do you mean?

This party is canceled.

But it just started.

You know that girl I'm so crazy about?

What about her?

I hate her.

What happened, Arnold?

Billy came with Teresa.

She's her date.

Oh, no, wait a minute. I thought that you were her date.

So did I.

I'd like to give Cinderella a shot with her glass whippers.

Look, little brother, you want to win, Teresa?

Well, here's what you do.

You just slide up to a real cool and you say, here's what's going down, baby.

You only have eyes for me because I'm your fella, Cinderella.

Lewis, you're so full of bull.

You never came on to me like that. What I liked about you was that you were just

the opposite.

You were sweet and kind and gentle.

Charlene, let's get out of here before you ruin my reputation.

Can I go with you?

Mine's already ruined.

Hey, I'm sorry this happened, Arnold.

Well, tell me something.

If Teresa had a date with you, why would she bring somebody else?

Because she's a bigamist, that's why.

Are you sure there hasn't been some kind of a misunderstanding here?

No.

I personally asked her to come over, and she leaned right down and said yes to

my face.

And did you make it perfectly clear that you were asking her to be your date at

your party, not just a guest?

Run up on me again?

See, Arnold, I think it's possible that she didn't know that she was going to be

your date.

You know, you're right, Dad.

When I asked her, I was nervous.

Well, the same thing's happened to me, Arnold.

How old were you?

Fifty. It was last night.

Mr. Dan, I'll never get a girl of my own.

Oh, that's not at all true, Arnold.

You're selling yourself short. I mean... Listen, son, come here.

See, everybody has certain problems, certain handicaps that they have to

to live with.

I think I'm going to be a monk.

I'm going to give up women and be celebrated.

I don't think you have to go quite that far.

You know, actually, son, you've got an awful lot going for you.

Being short doesn't really matter.

That's easy to say when you're tall.

Well, look at Napoleon.

His wife was the beautiful Josephine.

And the famous jockey, Willie Shoemaker, he has a beautiful wife.

Even Mickey Rooney, all eight of his wives are very beautiful.

I don't want a wife. I want a date.

Well, That shouldn't be too hard for a guy with all your natural charm and

and good manners, except when you're reading, of course.

Always remember this, Arnold. Women like to be treated with respect and

consideration.

They do?

Oh, sure.

In school.

You've read about Sir Walter Raleigh, haven't you?

Yeah. He's the clown that invented cigarettes.

Yeah, that's true, but he also did some good things. Now, there was a real

gentleman. On one occasion, a lady wanted to cross the street, but there

this big puddle of water. You know what he did?

He took off his cape and he threw it over the puddle so her feet wouldn't get

wet. After that, all the women in London loved him.

Did he?

Right.

And the only time he didn't have a woman with him was when they buried him.

Arnold, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should make the best of

you got. I promise you, you'll be surprised at the results.

But how do I do that?

Let me give you a couple of suggestions.

Are my guests enjoying themselves?

Yeah, it's a great party, Arnold.

Aren't you eating, my dear?

May I show you something in the way of a hot dog? Thank you, Arnold.

All right, here we go.

Get one of these hot dogs.

Mustard.

Here you are.

Thanks. These hot dogs look good, Arnold.

like one, my dear? Yes, I would. Good.

Ladies first.

You're very considerate, Arnold.

There aren't many of us gentlemen left, and I love the zilch in your voice.

Thank you, Arnold.

And the cute way you tilt your head when you giggle.

I'll get you a glass of punch, Teresa.

Thank you. My pleasure.

What are you going to do?

Drink it for her?

Yes, if she wishes.

Look, she's my date.

I'll get it for her.

Hey, now what could you have done?

It's all over the floor.

No problem.

No problem.

It's just that he's 11 now, and I hear puberty can do weird things to a guy.

Well, I think Arnold is the only gentleman here.

Yeah, I'm with you.

Well, thank you for being so considerate, Arnold.

You know, you've got a lot of class.

No sweat.

Excuse me. Could I talk to you for a second?

Do you think we could go to a movie or something sometime?

Like a real date?

Well, to tell you the truth, Arnold, I never thought of you that way.

Oh.

I understand.

Well, eat all you want anyway.

Just a minute.

I never thought of you that way because at school you're just a... Well, just a

cute little kid.

I know.

But now that I see this side of you, I realize there's much more to you.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, you're so confident, thoughtful, and charming.

That's me.

So, can we go on a date sometime?

I'd love to.

Oh, man.

Would you like to walk across my cape again?

Nothing but the...

is in 20 minutes. I can't leave without him. He's got my clubs.

Oh, well, if he doesn't show up, I'll be glad to take his place.

You go?

Well, I don't want to brag or anything, but I got a hole -in -one last week.

What? Oh, yo, that's great.

You just got to wait for the clown's mouth to get all the way open.

Too much time on your head.

Cool.

Can I drive it? No, but you can watch it.

Thanks.

This is nice work and all, but don't you think it's a little, I don't know, over

the top?

No, man, this is me, Eddie Sherman.

Red flames on blue skies.

You got a good figure?

You tell me.

Isn't it quite funny, Bob?

inside getting home.

I'll take the crab cake, vodka gimlet, and your phone number, kitten.

Kitten?

That's right.

You're soft, you're cute, and I can make you purr.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I can make you a woman.

hands on me. Girl, you know you like that.

Well, now I'm going to have to put my hands on you.

Please do.

Hey,

what's going on here? That's just crazy.

He touched me in an inappropriate manner.

Nick and Letty is a valued customer of the 50 -50 Club.

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Yes, sir.

Hand me the tray.

Get your freaking

If I wasn't a Christian... Thank you, Eddie. But you

know I could have handled him myself.

I know. I just didn't want you to break a fingernail or something.

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