Original subtitles

I can't think of anybody.

Oh, come on. How about Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Nah, I make it a rule never to fool around with a guy whose chest is bigger

mine.

How about you, Mary Beth?

If you could sleep with anybody in the world, who would it be?

My parents.

God, those were good times.

No, I mean a man.

Okay, Mel Gibson.

But don't tell my parents.

And you believe?

Harry, to me, looks aren't important.

It's the inner man that counts.

I want a man with tenderness and compassion.

Someone who's sensitive to my needs.

Like who?

John Bon Jovi.

You could bounce a quarter off that butt.

Well, Mrs. Philbert, we haven't heard from you.

Well, if you want the truth, I think you're all a bunch of sluts.

Dear John is filmed in forward studio audience.

Good evening, everybody.

How's the tummy? Feeling any better than last week?

Well, actually, it was getting worse, so I ended up going to the doctors.

And sure enough, it turned out that my stomach lining is inflamed.

If I don't take care of myself, I can end up with an ulcer.

But don't worry.

I think I've got everything. Everything under control. I like your attitude,

John. You seem to be in awfully good spirit.

You know what's the most important part of the program?

Besides changing my diet, I have to reduce the amount of stress in my life.

you tried deep breathing? I learned it in one of my acting classes, and I

do it right before I perform.

What a coincidence.

So does Tom.

My doctor suggested that I take an inventory of my life to look at all

things that cause me stress. You know, like trying to get by on a teacher's

salary, getting crushed on the subway at rush hour. Oh, I know how stressful

that can be.

Mary Beth, you ride the subways?

No, but I once dated a guy on a teacher's salary.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I have to get rid of all those things that

me stress.

And so far, it's working.

The doctor suggested that I take this antacid every time my stomach starts

hurting me.

But I haven't needed it in three days.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, John, buddy, how's it going? I haven't seen you in three days.

Yes, well, Kirk, it's only the truth. Good, good, I'm glad to hear it. Hey,

we all set for tonight?

Oh, do you two have plans?

Oh, I promised Kirk I'd let him use my apartment for a fundraiser for the

homeless.

Such a good cause, you know, I couldn't say no. You won't regret it. By the way,

I'll pick up the babes. Hmm?

Greta and Inga.

The flight attendants.

Wait a minute. What happened to the homeless?

Well, they live in Seattle, Greta and Inga, and they're here for the weekend,

technically they're homeless.

Kirk, you lied to me. You said it was a fundraiser. John, I didn't say it was a

fundraiser. I said it was a...

Fun raisin.

Trent, you conniving, deceitful underhand.

John, are you okay? Yeah, fine, fine.

Perfectly fine.

Oh, yes. I forgot about your stomach.

How's it feeling?

Well, actually, my stomach lining has... Good, good, good. I'm glad to hear it.

Listen, I'm going to have to pick up the baby.

So, uh...

All we're going to do is I'm going to meet you at Kate's restaurant at 9, then

we'll head back to your place and rack up some frequent flyer miles.

I want nothing to do with those babes. Girls, women.

Now listen, the only reason I agreed to do this was because it was for charity.

John, look at your sex life.

It is for charity. Wait a minute, Kirk, wait a minute. Let him do it to me

again. He drives me up the wall.

That bum has caused me nothing but aggravation.

Well, maybe you should stop hanging out with him.

What are you talking about? He's my friend.

And he may have a point. After all, you want to eliminate those things from your

life that cause you stress.

Hey, now, look.

Okay, so I got a problem with my stomach.

But you can't just give up a person like you do spicy food or alcohol.

I'll just have to, uh, stay cool, no matter what he does.

But, John, don't you think you should... Now, that's the end of the discussion.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Oh, John? Yes, Gert? Um, just to avoid an awkward moment when we get back to

your apartment, Greta has her bed back, so we're going to take your bed and you

and Inga can have the couch.

I'm going to dump him tonight.

coming to town. Oh, boy.

What do you mean, oh, boy?

I love ice skating. When I was a young girl, I'll have you know, Peggy Fleming

was my absolute idol.

Mm -hmm.

And didn't you have any idols when you were growing up? Sure. Same as any kid,

suppose. Hank Aaron, Muhammad Ali, Julia Child.

Hi, Calvin.

Hey, John. Will it be the usual?

Yeah.

Rough day, huh? Yeah, just leave the cart.

Come on, John. Milk never solved anything.

Hi, John.

Oh, Kate.

Listen, I'm going to need a nice, quiet table.

I don't know how I'm going to do this, but tonight I'm going to tell Kirk I

never want to see him again.

Yeah, I know. Annie told me.

Boy, that's going to be rough on Kirk.

Want me to do it?

I even have a booth over there. Oh, that'll be fine. Good luck. Thanks.

Flowers, sir? No, thank you.

Boy, oh boy.

You know something, John?

In this lousy world, you cannot trust anybody.

What's wrong, Kirk? Grant and Inger, they split us up.

Just as well.

Yeah. Who needs them anyway, right?

Buddy, huh?

It's a great thing about guys.

We can count on each other. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, yeah.

Kirk, please, please. I, uh... I have a problem.

What? Come on, lay it on me. That's what pals are for.

God, how do you do this?

How do you tell someone...

You never want to see them again.

Oh, you're going to dump some babe.

John, there is nothing to it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I've been through this a

million times. Believe me, it's no problem.

Listen, all you do is you tell her she's very, very special.

There's nothing wrong with her. It's you.

And you give her a rose, a kiss on the forehead, and you send that babe on her

way. Thank you, Kirk, but I'm not talking about a babe.

I'm talking about...

The guy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Keeping that inside, no wonder you got an ulcer.

Damn,

if they showed up, I could have had Inga and Greta.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. It's not what you're thinking.

Look, all right, I'll make it simple.

I'll lay it out in words, you'll understand.

You're causing me too much stress.

Too much aggravation.

You're giving me an ulcer.

So what's your point?

I'll take one.

Thank you.

You're very, very special.

You don't want to see me anymore.

I've been such a fool.

Sorry, Kirk, it's over.

You selfish pig!

Well, let me tell you something.

I have plenty of other friends. I don't need you.

I need a buck for the hat check.

Hey, Calvin.

Hey, Kirk.

Hey, Red.

Oh, hi, Kirk. How's it going?

I haven't seen you around in a couple of days. How are you holding up? Oh, well,

you know, that John thing really got to me.

Oh, yeah, I can imagine.

But what could I do, you know?

I had to cut him loose. He was following me around like a lost puppy.

You're okay, right? Oh, me?

What, are you kidding?

Yeah, I don't need a friend like him.

My social calendar's never been more full.

Soirees, galas.

So, you want to go bowling?

Hey, Curtis, look who's here, the guy you love to hang out with.

I do?

Man, my brother, my soul mate.

So how's the old king of the kitchen?

All right, how's the old baron of bull?

Never better.

All right. Hey, homie, how about tonight you and me hit a couple of nice spots,

groove on some foxes and get down with our bad self?

Oh, sounds great, Kurt, but excuse me. Hey, bro, why are you jamming on me?

Oh, sorry, Kirk, but I got to go talk to some white people.

Man,

man, what a game.

Hey,

you know, it's great to see you guys again.

Yeah, it was a great time ago.

Lucky they had it all the way. Come on. Yeah, the Knicks are strong this year.

Hey, Dick, that's a hell of a sweater.

Thanks. I hate it.

My wife makes me wear it.

I hate her, too.

My wife knits sweaters.

Yeah? Hey, mine, too. Really? Yeah, she knits sweaters, scarves, mittens.

Buttons, zippers, curtains, hems.

She hems, really?

Can she do cuffs?

Can she do cuffs?

Hey, John, do you believe these two?

Hey, guys, can we talk about something a little more interesting?

Good idea, Dick.

Do you realize it's almost baseball season?

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, Jerry, how's that little girl of yours?

Boy. Right.

So, what's little Wally up to?

Brian.

Brian. I meant Brian. Came out Wally.

You know, he's almost getting ready for college.

Yeah? Well, you tell that kid his godfather was asking for him.

How about you, John? How's your son doing? Great, great.

Oh, by the way, Wendy and me had a little baby girl, too.

Hey, you're back, Wendy, eh? No, no, no, no, no.

Actually, we used a sperm bank.

But at the last minute, I had second thoughts. So this buddy of mine, Kirk,

talked me into breaking into the place and stealing my sperm back.

Unfortunately, the cops showed up, and Kirk and I almost got arrested.

We almost got arrested.

So you wiped those cuffs, huh?

That Kurt guy doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Well, uh... What do you mean, well?

The guy almost got you arrested.

Well, you know, at least... At least you got a new daughter out of it.

Hey,

hey, hey, you know what our little Samantha did the other day?

She caught a bird and ate it.

Really? My God!

Your daughter ate a bird?

No, no, no, no.

Samantha's our cat.

Oh, oh.

She gets so sick, we had to cancel our trip to Hawaii.

Oh, Samantha must be a very sensitive woman. I didn't go to Hawaii once, too.

Come to think of it, that one involved Kirk also.

Oh, the troublemaker from the sperm bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This will have you on the floor.

See, what happened was, Kirk sells me a ticket to Maui, but he didn't tell me

that it was a standby.

So I'm bounced from flight to flight.

From Buffalo to Chicago to Atlanta and that's where I end up.

Fairbanks, Alaska.

So did you sue him?

Of course not. He's my friend. Why would I want to sue my friend?

Did I mention I'm thinking of refinancing?

No. Don, do you think that interest rates are going to keep going down?

that all depends on the prime rate, whether you decide you're going to go

or variable.

Fixed, you're looking at under 9 % for the foreseeable future.

Variable, you're talking 6 .2 down to 3 .75.

You've got this great contact over at the Bayside National Bank. It says it

depends on the Fed.

What? What's so funny? Oh, the Bayside National.

Kirk and I were getting money out of the automatic teller there one night.

And the machine started spewing $20 bills all over the place. So Kirk's

scooping them all up and stuffing them in his pockets, you know.

Now, I want no part of it. But I'm the one who gets this picture taken by the

security camera.

So thanks to Kirk, I almost get arrested again.

You know, I'm telling you, I mean, at the time, I swear I wanted to kill that

guy. But, yeah, I mean, looking back on it, you know, somehow.

It always strikes me as hilariously, uh... funny.

You know, John, this Kirk sounds like real bad news.

What are you talking about? You don't even know him.

Well, it sounds like he only causes you trouble.

Hey, hey, listen now. We're talking about a friend of mine here.

Look, I can jerk.

You'd be pretty dumb to hang out with a guy like that, huh?

I'm starting to think I'd be pretty dumb not to.

Hello, everybody. Hi, Chuck.

How are you feeling?

Oh, not bad, not bad.

Doctor tells me in two or three weeks I'll be as good as new.

And I won't have to take this anymore.

As long as I stay away from things that cause me stress.

Don't say hello.

No greetings. No small talk. Let's get right to the problem.

We have to kill Kirk.

Since you dumped him, he's driving me crazy. He won't leave me alone.

He is constantly hanging around the restaurant.

I got there this morning at 6 o 'clock, and he was standing outside with the

fish.

Please, John, I am begging you. You've got to be his friend again. I can't take

it anymore.

Kate, I just think it would be fair to ask John to do something.

Ask a man to do something that's going to cause him pain.

You can if you can make him believe it was his idea.

Listen, Kate, you don't have to worry about Kirk.

After you two patch things up, why don't

you come over to the restaurant and I'll buy you a drink to celebrate.

If John and I patch things up, who needs you?

Hey, thanks for a good time, guys. Next time, I'm buying.

I'll see you all later at that thing we're going to do all that fun stuff at.

Hey, guys.

Oh, God.

John's here.

I had no idea you were going to be here, John. This must be so awkward for you.

I'll leave. No, no, Kirk, please don't leave.

I want to tell you something. No, no, no.

I don't want to cause you any more pain. I already gave you a bad stomach. I

don't want to be responsible for any more of your internal organs.

Last thing I want is your bladder on my head.

Kirk, listen. I want to talk to you.

Oh, really?

Why don't we all go out into the hall for a delicious drink of water and leave

our two friends alone?

Come on, everybody. Out, out, out, out, out.

Oh, Louise.

Don't worry. We'll listen at the door.

Kirk, I... Look, I know I hurt your feelings, and I feel rotten about it.

How rotten?

Look, Kirk, I realize that, uh...

All the things that we do together enrich my life.

You're spontaneous.

You're irresponsible.

You know, in a way, I guess you're my dark side.

Oh, come on, Kirk. I want to be your friend again. What do you say?

When you say dark side, is that like a good thing?

Yes, it is a good thing.

Come here, you big lug.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Would you mind if Kirk and I missed a meeting? We've got some catching up to

Oh, go ahead.

Oh, great. Have a good time. Go on.

Hey, John, you know what I feel like doing? Just you and I heading down to

Kate's place and just spending an evening laughing and talking about good

Yeah, that's what I'd like to do.

Hey, you know, I was talking to these guys the other night, and I was telling

them about all the fun things that you and I do.

They didn't get it.

I guess it's hard for other people to understand how you and I could be

You know, in a way, I guess I can't understand it either.

But, you know, I'm glad that happened because it got us a lot closer together.

Sir?

Sir?

Sir?

Oh, what are they going to do?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

I had a problem with obscene phone calls, and they helped me.

Well, what did they do?

They made me go for counseling.