Original subtitles

I mean, I can't tell you how disappointed I was.

I know, John. I'm so sorry I had to cancel another date on you. But, you

my catering business is really taking off.

You know, for example, Thursday, I have a wedding I have to cater. You know, I'm

starting to think the only way we're going to get to spend an evening

is if I get remarried and you cater it.

Oh, John, I do want to go out with you. I really do. Good. And I got a surprise.

Two tickets to Miss Saigon.

No. Fifth row on the aisle. No. Next Saturday night.

No. No.

No, I can't. I have to work. An anniversary party.

Oh, John.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, so am I.

I'll call you.

You better.

Hey, big John.

Oh, hi, Kirk. Oh, hey, Kirk.

By any chance, would you be interested in Miss Saigon?

Miss Saigon?

Yes.

You bet I would. How much?

A hundred bucks.

All right.

Tell her to be of my place at nine.

without that jerk. The lousy creep left me standing at the altar crying my eyes

out. The man made me look like a fool in front of my entire family.

You think I should call him?

Too pushy, huh?

There you go, Joanne.

That's the first step to feeling better.

Being able to laugh about it. Hey, pal, you see me laughing?

That's the second step, unloading your hostility on the nearest man.

Take it, Louise, Mary Beth, anybody.

Joanne, this group can be a real help.

I mean, we can't tell you that you're never going to experience loneliness or

depression or feel the pain that comes from a guy just breaking your heart into

a million pieces.

But you do get a cup with your name on it.

Thank you, Mary Beth, for pointing out the one -to -one club perk.

Actually, the only reason I'm even here is to get my mother off my back.

The day after Charlie left me, she started nagging me to get help.

The man I love leaves me on my wedding day. And do you know what my mom says to

comfort me?

Joanne, darling, why do you have to take everything so personally?

She wouldn't let up. I finally made a deal with her. I told her I would join a

support group and she would take the plastic off the furniture.

That was three weeks ago. She's up to the kitchen.

Miss Joanne, it doesn't matter what brought you here. The important thing is

you're taking the first step toward helping yourself.

That's right.

You know, when my boyfriend walked out on me, I was so mixed up and confused.

All I could think of was, how am I going to kill him?

First I thought I'd shoot him.

Or push him in front of a bus. Or maybe throw him off a cliff.

But thanks to this group...

I'm not confused anymore.

Now I know exactly how I'm going to do it.

Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one carrying a grudge against the

unfair sex.

What's your story, Mrs. Philbert? What do you think about men?

Oh, I can take them, or... I can take them.

Boy, you had a rough deal, Joanne. But, you know, don't give up on men just

because of one jerk.

No, believe it or not, there are a lot of nice guys out there.

Hey, late.

What is your problem?

I didn't say you had nice honkers. I said, are you from Yonkers?

By the way, nice honkers.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

member, Joanne Singer.

Hello. I'm Kirk Morris.

If there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable, please let me know.

What the hell is she doing in my chair?

That's my chair!

She's so typical. She's in my chair. She's touching my stuff.

You men are all so territorial.

Here, why don't you just pee on the leg?

the satisfaction.

Joanne, you're going to learn what we've all learned.

Suddenly finding yourself alone doesn't have to be so terrible.

That's right. You see, what Louise means is you can still lead a rich, full life

even on your own. I mean, take me for example.

I come home every night at five o 'clock from work.

I watch the news, do a little reading, make some dinner, listen to some music,

and before I know it, it's almost...

5 .30.

God, I hate my life.

Hey, I should have known Charlie was going to leave me at the altar.

You know what he gave me for Valentine's Day?

Corn cob holders.

I think that's the gift that dreams take me. I'm yours.

No, it screams, bar me, I'm yours.

You know, it's nice to see you smile.

Look, John, I really want to apologize for how I acted earlier.

Lately, my friends have been pointing out I'm a little hostile around men.

Torch one ex -boyfriend's car and right away you get a rip.

Hey, you like theater?

Sure. Well, I have an extra ticket to Miss Saigon next Saturday night.

You're kidding. I've been dying to see that show. I even had tickets, but I

returned them.

You returned tickets to the hottest show on Broadway?

I had to. They were a wedding present.

Maybe, John. Yeah, sure.

Oh, look at that. I've got to go anyway.

What's the rush?

Oh, I've got to get home. My neighbor's dog is on Letterman.

Hi,

John. Hey, John just asked me to go see Miss Saiga.

Joanne, that's wonderful.

All right.

Oh, it's no big deal. It's just a date.

What am I saying?

I've got a date.

Excuse me, everyone.

I just want you all to know I've got a date.

Thank you very much. Go back to what you were doing.

Oh, listen, I am dying to know more about John.

But I guess it wouldn't be right to ask you guys.

No.

John's our friend. It wouldn't be right to talk about him behind his back.

Nice guy?

Smashing. Straight? Yes.

Same? Close enough.

Definitely straight.

Promise. Divorced how long?

Four years.

Seeing anyone now? Not really. Not really? He's got tons of women, but no

special? Or not really? He hasn't done it since the bicentennial.

Does it matter? Not really. Well, see you next week.

Where are you going?

I want to get up early and start shopping for a dress for Saturday.

Oh, what do you have in mind?

Oh, no, just some simple little thing off the rack that'll turn me into a sex

goddess. Oh, thank you, Louise, for letting me in the group. I love you.

Bye. Bye.

See ya. I can't believe she said those three little words.

Marry them.

There's nothing wrong with one friend saying I love you to another.

No, I mean off the rack.

Oh, John.

Hi, Ellen. Hi, I'm glad I caught you. Yeah?

Listen, after all the times I canceled on you, do you still want to go out with

me? Do I still want to go out with you? Are you kidding? Of course. Yeah? Well,

then we're in luck. My anniversary party was canceled.

I can go see Miss Daigamichi tomorrow night. Oh, wow. That's great.

Oh, unless you ask somebody else. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I would never ask

anybody else. No?

No. Okay, great. Then, um, so call me tomorrow and we can make all the

arrangements. Yeah, sure. Okay, great. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, this is going to be interesting.

You.

Joanne and Heather squeezed into two seats on the aisle.

Very dinky.

Oh, come on, come on, Kirk. I'll just tell Joanne she can't go because I asked

somebody else.

Now, believe me, women understand these things.

They do.

John, John, John.

My poor dear brain -damaged friend.

What you're going to need is an airtight excuse. Now, John, my two personal

favorites are the dead grandmother...

And the coup in Guatemala.

But if you want to hedge your bet, you could always tell her your granny threw

herself on a grenade during the coup, you know.

Thank you, thank you. But I'm not going to lie to Joanne.

Yeah,

it's probably just as well. I mean, you'd never get away with it. Your upper

always sweats when you lie. It does not. Well, maybe it gets a little moist.

A little moist?

John, you've got the only upper lip that has a tide.

Well, it was no big deal. Not like Joanne and I had a real date.

I just happened to have an extra ticket.

Oh, bye, you guys.

All right, ladies. You guys, have a good time tomorrow night. Don't do anything

I wouldn't do. Yeah, you get her home by dawn, you hear?

Or don't get her home at all.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing this show tomorrow

night, John.

Grandma called.

The boat for Guatemala leaves at midnight.

What's he talking about?

Oh, his grandmother's a travel agent.

I've got to be honest with you, Joanne, about tomorrow night. Yes?

Well, the truth is, I'm afraid tomorrow night's out because... I'm sick.

Yeah, I'm sick.

Oh, poor baby. What's wrong? I don't know. I don't know. It's just sort of a

thing. I mean, I still think I'm very weak and sort of queasy, you know, and I

think I've got a fever.

Well, you feel okay, but your upper lip is sweating like crazy.

And then right after the show, we go to dinner.

A romantic candlelit dinner at the Rainbow Room.

Oh, John, you are such a classy guy.

You betcha.

We better get going.

It's a long walk to the subway.

No, no, just kidding, just kidding. We're taking a cab.

Good. Well, listen, I've got to freshen up. Okay, I'll just put this stuff away.

Great.

Better hurry. We don't want to miss the curtain.

surprise.

Listen, thanks for stopping by. God bless you.

I'm not going. You look awful.

I feel awful.

Well, I need some rest. No, what you need is some chicken soup.

Kitchen in there?

Yes, but no, you don't want to go in there. No, the place is a mess. Please.

Oh,

John, look, it's no trouble at all. My mother made that soup.

It's her secret recipe.

She'll tell the bus driver all about her hysterectomy. Me, she won't tell him

what's in this damn soup.

I'm much too weak to eat any soup. Well, I'm not leaving until you do.

Well,

don't be a stranger.

Oh, listen.

Better go out this door and take the service, Eleanor.

The angel of death.

Uh, hello.

Hello.

Um, John, what's going on? Uh, well... Can I ask you a question?

Sure. You aren't, by any chance, going to see Miss Zygon tonight, are you?

Why, yes, actually we are.

Well, then I think there's something you should know about this liar.

He asked me to go first, and then he told me he was sick.

So he could take you.

What? John, you did that? That's terrible.

Well, sure, if you're going to say it like that.

I hope you're happy. You have taken an already unstable woman and emotionally

crippled her for life.

Enjoy the show!

A lot of fun she would have been at the theater.

So, shall we go?

John. I think I'll go home. Huh?

I cannot believe I called you a classy guy.

No, no, no. Oh, come on. Heather. No, no. Come on. Just give me a chance. Just

give me a chance. Uh, uh, uh, Blaine.

Why do

you always do this to me?

This job will be terrific.

Pizza. I have to be really fast.

If I don't deliver the pizza in 30 minutes, the customer gets it for free

comes out of my salary.

Oh, how's it going?

Great. I haven't had to pay for one single pizza.

Of course, I do have 200 bucks in speeding tickets.

Women? Yes, John?

No, I mean women.

Oh.

I asked Joanne out to see Miss Saigon, so she went out and she got herself a

dress. New shoes, new purse, a manicure, a pedicure, and a facial.

And just because I stood her up, she sends me the bill for $682.

It's your own fault, John. I mean, none of this would have happened if you

killed your grandmother like I told you to.

John, answer that.

This is incredible.

Tell me about it.

She got a new dress, new shoes, new purse, a manicure, a pedicure, and a

for only $600.

Marry that woman.

Joe, I may have overreacted a bit, but you did ask for it. You broke a date. It

wasn't a date. It was more like one friend asking another friend to share a

mutual activity.

You invited her to the theater on a Saturday night.

Where I come from, that's a date.

Unless, of course, the guy is gay, a priest.

For a relative?

I agree.

Who do I?

Me too.

But I'm flexible on the relative part.

Excuse me, everybody. I don't mean to interrupt the meeting, but this won't

long. John, I want my money.

You're serious?

She's serious. Did you hear that? She's serious.

Look, I'm sorry about what happened. John, I want my money. Well, I'm not

to pay you.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

End of discussion. We have nothing further to say.

You think I'm a jerk? Sue me.

Oh, Max.

Mr. John Lacey? Yes? Here. What's this?

A subpoena. You're served.

Mr.

Lacey.

You've been accused of a breach of promise regarding a date with Miss

I plead you, sir.

Definitely not guilty.

Your Honor, if I may indulge the court.

Whatever.

I made a few notes.

The battle between the sexes has been going on since the beginning of man and

woman.

I'm sure that cavemen and cavewomen in the Paleolithic age, which, by the way,

predates... Mr.

Lacey, would you jump ahead a few centuries?

Jumping right ahead, sir.

Your Honor,

this case has nothing to do with money.

Here. Here is the $682 in cash. I don't care what happens to it. All I care

about is the principal involved here.

two people agreed to go out for an evening on the town. It is their God

right to change their plans, to change their minds.

I wish to cite a precedent from the 1985 Honolulu Superior Court.

Macalulu versus Ho?

Judge Bernstein states right here that just because Macalulu failed to show up

at the luau, he is not responsible for paying for the pig.

I rest my case.

Good.

Miss Singer.

He asked me out on a date. I blew a bundle on the outfit. He stood me up.

I find for the plaintiff.

Wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.

I talked a lot longer than she did. Didn't you hear anything I said?

Now, look, I just asked her out to a show. It wasn't a date. It was a friend

thing. Excuse me. I don't get my legs waxed for a friend.

Oh, and by the way, that'll be another $22 .50. Oh, yeah, sure, fine. Another

$22 .50, yeah, no problem. And while I'm at it, why don't I pay for all the

other guys who dumped on you? How about the guy that left you standing at the

altar? Why don't you sue him? Because I didn't, but I am suing you.

I am tired of guys dumping on me, and you are the end of a long line, buddy.

oh, oh, I get it. You're taking out all the anger from your past rejections out

on me. You bet I am.

Aha! That's exactly what Ho said to Macalulu.

The same words. I'm telling you, it's exactly the same.

You have my ruling.

Now, court's adjourned until 3 o 'clock. Hopefully the two of you won't be here.

All right.

Get me some barley soup and a tossed green salad.

You don't get it, do you? You just don't get it.

You have no idea how hurt I was when I walked into your apartment and realized

what you had done to me.

Yeah, well, I, uh...

I guess it was a rotten thing to do.

Is that an apology?

Yes.

I'm... I'm sorry I lied to you.

And I'm sorry if I caused you any pain.

No, I really am. Well, I guess I owe you an apology, too. I mean, I shouldn't

have taken all my hostility out on you.

It's not your fault Billy Conroy dumped me for that redhead with the braces in

the fourth grade.

You're still angry at a guy from the fourth grade? Yeah, and I don't let

forget it either. I get to yell at him every Tuesday at five.

He's my shrink.

Well, listen, I'm, uh... I'm glad we, um, got to work this out between us.

Friend?

Friend.

Hey, what are you doing?

I have a lot of anger to work out, and Billy is expensive.

You hear? I'd like to tell you something.

Your mother makes lousy chicken soup.

Aloha.

I believe that woman cost me $682.

Yeah, I know.

But it's kind of like that time I went out and bought that expensive Mets

baseball jacket and then you canceled out on taking me to the game.

Kirk, I know what you're getting at. And you're crazy if you think I'm going to

pay you for that jacket. Oh, okay. Well, at least I tried.

Do you remember Mac?