Original subtitles

Hey, everybody.

Okay, hi.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, Merry Christmas.

What are you guys up to? We're stopping shopping for the kids from the daycare

center.

Kate, is there anything wrong? I thought you would have been with Mitch tonight.

Oh, he has to work.

Our first Christmas Eve together, and he gets a call from his precinct. There's

been a triple homicide.

Oh, that's terrible.

Why does everything happen to me?

Well, Christmas can be a very trying time for relationships.

Oh, don't I know it. My daddy's going to be so mad at me for not coming home for

Christmas. But I just can't get through that humiliation again.

Humiliation?

Yeah, see, we have a really big family, so if you're not married, you have to

eat at the children's table.

Well, this year I put my foot down. I am not going.

Well, good for you, Mary Beth.

Oh, I don't know.

Right now I'm missing so much, I'd just as soon be sitting at that children's

table having a food fight with my little cousin Jimmy and Timmy and Cindy and

Grandma Ellen.

I heard that Wendy took the kids out of town for Christmas. Oh, he's doing just

fine. Instead of wallowing in self -pity, he's taken the reindeer by the

horn.

He's organized this party for the daycare center kids and has been

around here like a jolly old elf.

Damn, Ness Holliday!

Next time I want to do something nice for a bunch of kids at Christmas, do me

favor and beat me senseless with a yule log.

Happy holiday to you, John.

Of all the Santas for rent in New York, I had a higher no -show.

Oh, he'll get here, John.

Don't worry, everything's going to be fine.

Heat, heat, I need heat.

Annie, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be decorating the gym.

I was.

The furnace is out and it's freezing.

You got a room full of sniffling kids down there. It's so cold their sleeves

sticking to their noses.

He did at least remember to bring the punch bowl.

Punch bowl?

Did you just ask me if I remember to pick up a punch bowl?

Let me tell you something, John.

There is more to life than punch bowls.

Last week I did the best audition of my life for the lead in Romeo and Juliet.

I was magnificent.

But did I get it?

I think not.

He's wrapping gift after gift for all these crazed shoppers who keep asking

did you remember to remove the price tag, honey?

And of course I remembered.

But then this little seed of doubt starts gnawing at me.

Did I?

Didn't I?

So I unwrapped the package only to find I did remove the price tag.

I saw because they wouldn't let me play Juliet.

Okay, that's a no on the punch ball.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Charlie Downing. The Kringle Agency sent me. I'm your Santa for

Hey, where the hell have you been?

You were supposed to be here a half an hour ago.

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. You see, I had to stop by my ex -wife's

to drop off my little boy's Christmas present.

See, this is the first Christmas since our divorce. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

to be a support group that specializes in the problems of divorce.

Really? Oh, that sounds great.

But actually, I'm doing okay on my own. Yes, yes, of course, you're doing okay.

Yes, I'm okay, you're okay, everything's okay. Now, would you get moving?

Okay? There's a room across the hall. You can change there. Okay.

Hey, season's greetings, everybody.

Sorry I'm late, but I was out doing a little caroling.

And some Alice -ing.

Cat leaning.

Candy, Kirk, candy.

I don't see the candy. You promised to bring the candy. Huh?

You screwed up, didn't you?

Why did I even think I could trust you to do something without you? You're

screwing this up. Hey, hey, hey, John, chill out, would you please?

The guy at the warehouse guaranteed me the stuff will be here, okay? And

yours truly waited till the last minute, I got you a 50 % discount.

Oh, hey, that's terrific.

Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Here, I'll alleviate some of your guilt.

Hey, Merry Christmas!

John,

I got the furnace all fired up. That gym ought to be warmed up in no time. Oh,

Greg, finally something is going right. You ready to head on home?

We are spending our first Christmas Eve together.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Say, John, is there any... else we can do? No, no, no. Thanks for all your

everybody, but Annie and Kirk and I have everything under control, so why don't

the rest of you go on and enjoy your night?

Give your mother another call. Maybe she's accepted me by now.

So, Kate, hey, you want to go to the diner for a cup of coffee and a donut?

Oh, this will never do.

What say you all pop over to my place for a little impromptu Christmas party?

I thought we were spending the night alone.

Oh, listen, if we're intruding, of course we wouldn't dream of coming.

For Kirk Morris?

Oh, yeah.

Right over here. See, John, what I told you. The candy.

Hey,

good luck with the party, John.

We'll see y 'all over at Louise's later. Okay, okay. We'll be there.

You guys must be swamped this time of year, huh?

Pretty busy.

All right. Thanks a lot. Hey, Merry Christmas.

You too.

Licorice. Bats.

Pumpkins.

Candy corn.

You moron. This is Halloween candy.

Moron, huh?

Do you know how hard it is to find Halloween candy in December?

Finally, Nigel's asleep.

Oh, Ben, you haven't done a thing with the tree. We have to have it finished

before our company arrives.

Well, I've got to get this tricycle put together.

I'll put it together later. There's nothing to it.

Fine. Fine, of course. You can certainly do it better than I can.

Then have I said something I shouldn't have?

If I have, I'm sorry.

It's our first Christmas together, and I want tonight to be super... Don't

put the tinsel on that way.

Well... put tinsel on?

Well, you've been doing it wrong.

Single strands, one at a time.

If they touch, you put on too much.

Single strands, one at a time. Well, there's no need to be nasty about it. I

mean, do you want the tree to look terrible for our guests?

Oh, hold it, hold it. They're your guests. They're not my guests. I don't

remember anybody asking me.

if they could invite people over for our Christmas Eve.

Oh, so this is what this childish tantrum is about. I didn't realize I had

ask your permission before throwing a party in my own home.

That's right, you don't. It's your home. It's your party.

It's your tree. It's your tricycle. But it's not your bend.

I am my own man.

And I put tinsel on my own way.

But wait.

skulls for this kid?

Well, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Hey, Bert. Yeah? You're gonna have to make up another one of these boxes, will

you? Got it, John.

John, congratulate yourself.

Santa just walked into that gym and you should have seen those kids. They were

thrilled. Oh, great.

I knew as soon as those kids saw him, my worries were over.

You know all that garbage I told you before?

It's a big lie.

I'm not handling my divorce very well at all. As soon as the first little kid

sat on my lap, I fell apart.

He looked just like my little Bobby.

I knew I couldn't go through with it, so I ran.

Please don't let those kids find me.

Can't back out on those kids now.

I can't tell you how lucky you are, because right here, tonight, right in

room, she's a favorite of mine, and she'll be a favorite of yours, our very

Annie the Elf.

And she's going to entertain you all with that wonderful classic, Twas the

Before Christmas.

Yay!

And I can't recite Twas the Night Before Christmas. I don't remember all of it.

Improvise, improvise.

Don't panic. They can smell fear.

Okay.

It was the night before Christmas.

to walk into the house.

That's not the way, girl.

Shut up, it's my house.

Charlie, we have to have a man -to -man talk.

You gotta stop blaming

yourself. It takes two to ruin a marriage.

Okay, now that we got that all cleared up, Let's get out there and ho, ho, ho.

No, no.

Ho, ho, ho.

See, Robin, the best thing that ever happened to me, and now she's out of my

life. Oh, come on. She's no good for you. You don't need her.

You're too nice a guy.

Now, come on. Let's get out there. See, see, listen.

See, what Robin and I had was very special.

I knew at the minute that I saw her that we would be together. We were instantly

drawn to each other. We couldn't fight it.

Oh, God. God, she was so gorgeous.

And the sex was incredible.

Charlie, is Robin along tonight?

The years we had were so full and satisfying.

And then lately I started thinking about my little boy.

That's rough.

I know.

I realized that I couldn't let him grow up without a father.

I know what you mean. Yeah.

So I told Robin I had to go back to my wife.

Excuse me?

My wife, Marge.

Who the hell is Robin?

My girlfriend.

But Marge won't take me back. And now I've got nobody.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You dumped your wife for your girlfriend, and then you dumped your

for your wife?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

And I didn't even have the guts to tell them to their face.

I left them both a Dear John letter.

A portrait in a pear tree.

Oh, that brings back memories.

London, Christmas, 1975.

I didn't have ten larger leaping, but I had...

Two Dukes and an Earl bouncing pretty good.

Yeah, listen, I gotta get up early tomorrow, so I'm gonna get going.

Why? The party's just started.

Ben, could I see you in the kitchen for a moment?

Please?

Yeah, we'll be right back.

Louise wants to see me in her kitchen.

I know why you're pouting.

I said some very not nice things to you tonight.

Things I didn't mean, and I'm very sorry.

Okay.

I know I hide it well, but I was kind of hurt.

Uh, listen, everybody.

Bev and I had a little, um, misunderstanding.

before you got here, but we're all right now.

So if we made you feel uncomfortable, we apologize.

Yeah, I apologize, too.

It was stupid. You know, it just gets to me sometimes when Louise starts her

control freak thing.

Control freak?

Well, Ben, maybe control freak is a little strong. I mean, a control freak

someone who wants to control every situation, boss people around, and run

lives.

Come to think of it, Louise, you're pretty darn close.

Hey, I don't blame Louise for being upset.

That wasn't a very nice thing to say.

If you ask me, you're being just as pushy as she is.

Well, nobody asked you, honey child.

Louise, are you going to let her talk to me that way?

Make her stop. You're the control freak.

See, you just called her a control freak, too.

It's getting good. Put another head on my eggnog.

All right, listen.

Listen, that's enough. I don't want you people fighting about our...

having any say in this relationship.

keep breathing in and out.

Just be careful you don't get a nose full of candy corns.

All right? Yeah, thank you. I think I'm feeling a little bit better now. Good,

good.

I still can't make those kids know.

Charlie. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Charlie, I have tried everything I could. Yeah, I know. Every way I knew to

you out there to those kids. I have tried being nice. I have begged.

I have pleaded. I have cajoled. I know.

You even slapped me. And that was when I still liked you.

Now get the hell out there.

Yeah. Okay, get out there.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, just give me a minute and I'll pull myself together.

You will? Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Okay. Yeah. I'll tell the kids. Okay.

Finish fixing his sled and he's coming right out.

Santa's coming.

Santa's coming. I believe.

I believe.

Okay. Okay.

Let's give Santa a big welcome now, okay?

Okay.

Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus. Right down Santa Claus' way.

See you, John. Yeah, John. Hey, Charlie. Charlie.

Where are you going?

Oh, you see, all this talk about my wife Marge and my girlfriend Robin made me

realize something.

I really miss my secretary, Debbie.

So, kids.

Suppose you don't see Santa tonight. I mean, what's the big deal?

Just a fat guy in a red suit.

A mere figurehead.

Now, the tooth fairy.

There's someone you'd want to meet.

So here's what you do.

All of you run home right now and stick a tooth under your pillow

and tomorrow morning you'll wake up with a bicycle.