Original subtitles

I want you out of here. Wendy, I want you out of here. Just be a second. Kirk.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, yes, you are.

Hey, please.

The last thing we want here is a scene.

Just stay calm.

Wendy, what the hell are you doing with my checkbook?

I'm just helping you. See, now all you have to do is sign it. Here. $1 ,350.

Isn't it great? The health boss said they'd give me a discount if I paid him

tomorrow. In the kitchen. We've got to talk. Come on. In the kitchen. Come on,

come on, come on, come on.

Oh, come on. You can waddle faster than that.

I am not going to let you ruin this date for me. Now get out! I'm not going

anywhere till you call off this wedding.

Kirk, I swear I will kill you if you make me sweat in this wedding dress.

Too late.

Gotcha.

There's that.

I'm a little new to this group.

What are your New Year's Eve parties like?

I'm sorry, Mitch, but I need to talk to my ex -wife alone for just a minute. But

I was told to wait in the kitchen. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride

before the wedding. Oh, yeah? I never saw Wendy before our wedding, and look

where it got me.

I told you I'd let go in any way. If you don't leave right now... Kate, what's

the problem?

Now,

you've done it, Kirk.

Kate's upset enough without having you storm in here and make a shambles of her

big day. Yeah, but I...

still here. When I come back out, I'm going to give you a good thrashing.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I'm going back in with the bride and have a

cry.

Hey, guys, come on. Me and Kate just had a little misunderstanding. That's all.

I say we break them in half.

You guys better be careful.

Kirk... He told me he has a black belt in karate.

Shut up, Annie.

All right, now that's enough.

We don't want any violence in here. Thank you, Mary Beth.

Take him outside.

This stuff is wrenching.

Okay, fine. Here, break me in half. Kill me. Do whatever you want.

If that's the way New York City's finest, sweetest citizen with a deep

psychological problem, so be it.

Come on.

Psychological problem, my foot.

Hey!

Tell me I don't have a psychological problem.

You would do if you'd gone through what I did.

I don't want to hear it. Right.

I'll never forget it.

I was driving to a small town in Iowa.

I was in Nebraska.

Whatever, somewhere near a lot of corn.

I'm tooling down the highway, right? I'm on my way to Vandenberg Air Force Base

for this secret meeting with the president.

I spot this helpless little kid limping along the side of the road.

This old rusty pipe, he's using it as a crutch.

He tells me he needs an operation on his leg, right? But he doesn't have the

money because his sister stole it from him because she wanted to have this big

fancy schmancy wedding.

Turns out, this chick would rather see her little brother hobbling around,

dragging that useless leg, than have to get married at City Hall.

What could I do?

I did what you guys would have done. I sold my Ferrari, and I paid for his

operation.

But to this day, whenever I see a rusty pipe, or I hear the word wedding, I

just go crazy.

That is the dumbest story I ever heard.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, my friend.

That fourth helpless kid with the bum leg was Bo Jackson.

That's it. What? That's what? I told him not to play football.

What's wrong with Kurt?

Only Bo knows.

Hey, will you look at this? An ice sculpture of the bride and groom.

Yep, made it myself.

Used nothing but water.

Well, I think it's beautiful, Ben, but why is the groom so much shorter than

bride?

Time is an ice sculpture's worst enemy.

You better excuse me. I gotta go pop Kate and little Mitch into the freezer.

Have a heart, Wendy. I can't give you $1 ,350.

My checking account is already overdrawn.

What's the difference? By the time the check bounces, I'll be beautiful.

No!

I've got to stick this in the freezer. There's no room in there, Ben. Just

it on the counter. It'll be fine.

Great. So it's come to this. Frozen tater tots are more important than art.

Come on, buddy. You've got to get out of here. The wedding is about to begin.

Come on.

Let's go.

Excuse me, John.

Could we get things started?

I have another wedding to perform this afternoon. Yes, of course. No problem,

Your Honor. She was just leaving.

Oh, good. Okay. Now, everybody get seated. We're about to start.

What's wrong?

Just a little twinge.

Wendy, I'm warning you. This is a wedding, not a twinging.

Don't worry. I'm all going to be okay.

Sit over here. Sit over here and rest for just a minute. Just a minute. Don't

worry, John.

We'll take care of her. Thank you.

No funny business, Wendy. No funny business.

Where's Kirk?

Mitch and Mort took him outside.

They said they're going to break his legs.

Ah, good.

to bother you anymore.

Now you've got to get a grip on yourself.

I'm trying. I'm trying, but I just know something else is going to happen.

Nothing else is going to happen. That's what I keep telling her. I'm sorry, but

I just can't get that scene from The Graduate out of my head.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you know, the one where Catherine Ross is about to get married when Dustin

Hoffman starts pounding on the glass door before she and the groom have a

to say I do? She leaves that poor jerk just standing at the altar. Oh,

Ross and Dustin Hoffman are big stars and nobody even remembers that poor jerk

then.

You're losing your mind.

I know.

Pull yourself together. It's time to go. Go where? Go where? Go where?

To the living room. The living room. The living room.

It's time for your wedding. Well, of course it is. Now, let's go.

God help us.

All right.

We're ready.

We're gathered here today to witness the marriage of Kate and Mitch.

If there's anyone present who objects to this union, please speak now or forever

hold your peace.

Do you, Kate, take Mitch to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Mitch, take Kate to be your wife?

No, Wendy. No, Wendy, no.

Oh, God, John.

I think it's time. No, Wendy. No, Wendy. No.

Oh, Bill, look what you've done, John.

Please don't do this to me. Hey, you want to go to that spa?

I'll write you the check.

John, this is no time to talk about money. In my purse.

With the check in my purse.

I've got to get her to a hospital.

I don't think there's time.

I told you she was fast.

about delivering a baby. I helped deliver a horse once.

I don't think so, Bill.

I delivered a baby in my squad car. Good, then you're it. No, no, no, wait.

Kate, please, I've got to help. Not before you say I do.

Kate, I... Who's got the rings, Mitch?

I do. You heard him. He said I do. I do, I do.

God,

I hope you know what you're doing. Me too.

If it's any help, when the baby's coming out, be careful of its hooves.

Maybe I ought to talk to them. Besides, I need a drink.

I knew it.

I just knew this was going to be a complete disaster.

I came pretty damn close.

Look, Kate.

I know it's a bad time, but I wanted to give you your present before it was all

gone.

Thank you, Ben.

Mitch and I have been talking about getting a bowl of water.

with ten seconds between contractions. That wasn't a contraction. John is

retching my neck.

Now that was a contraction.

Shallow breathing, shallow breathing.

Oh, I'm going to get you for this. Oh, shut up and hee hee.

You're doing terrific.

Oh, you guys are right. I was getting upset about nothing.

Mitch and I are going to look back on this day and laugh.

I mean, this is not your typical run -of -the -mill wedding.

Actually, I should consider myself lucky.

Yeah.

Yeah, now we really have something to talk about.

Kirk is out on the ledge.

Now, Kate, don't do anything stupid.

He could fall and kill himself.

Go away.

Gotcha.

What are you doing? I'm trying to save Red's life.

Get out. You and I have got to talk. Yes, we do. Don't touch me.

All right, Kirk.

Why are you making my life so miserable?

If you marry Mitch, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life,

You are. You're not in love with him.

And you know it.

I can't. I can't. Red, what happens tomorrow morning when you wake up and

realize the guy sleeping next to you is in me?

I am not going to let Mitch ruin what we got going.

What do I say?

I love you.

Someone tell her to keep it down. She's ruining my moment.

You love me? Yeah, I do. I just realized it.

Oh, Kirk, you don't love me. Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't.

You just think you do.

You like to hit on me because you know I'll never take you up on it. I'm safe.

And I guess I enjoyed turning you down.

this little game going.

Only now you're afraid of losing me and the game will be over.

So you're saying that this is all game and that I don't really love you?

Yeah.

But I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to find out how much you care

about me.

I'm flattered, Kirk. I really am.

But it's not love, love. It's friend love.

You just never had a woman as a friend before, so you don't know the

So, uh... Come on, let's just be friends. What do you say?

Yeah, okay.

On one condition.

What's that?

When your husband goes away, I get to whisper dirty little nothings in your

Kirk, you are a dirty little nothing.

Just relax.

I am relaxed.

It's going to be any time now.

Oh, hi. I don't believe we've met.

I'm Wendy.

Mitch.

By the way, Wendy, you're fully dilated. Oh, thank you, Mitch. You're welcome.

Now, push.

Yeah, Wendy, push.

I know, push. He just told me to push. I don't need you telling me to push. Now,

look. I just spent the last two months in that stupid Lamaze class learning how

to say push. Now, I'm damn well going to say push. Now, push.

Yes, Judge Humphrey. I'm sorry. I am not going to be able to wait here any

longer. Leave and I'll kill you.

Remember what they taught us in class? Just concentrate on something pleasant.

Okay, okay.

I just soaked in a hot tub.

And I've had an herbal rest. Yes.

And now I'm getting a full body massage.

Yes, I'm being totally pampered at that beautiful health bar.

We're getting close. Did you hear that, Wendy? We're getting close.

No kidding.

Oh,

a new little baby.

Just so beautiful.

I can't wait to have one of my own. Yeah? Well, back off, Balak.

There we go, you little cutie.

Well, Daddy, you got yourself a baby girl. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's

Wendy's. It's hers.

She's the one that wanted it.

A little baby girl?

Oh, a little baby girl?

Say hello to Daddy.

Invested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride now, if you'll excuse me.

Catch

that

bouquet and die!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good.

Look, put the phone to the baby here.

What could just eat you up?

You better cool it with those 976 numbers.

What? She was smiling.

She was really smiling.

Well, kiss the baby goodnight for me. Oh, and Wendy, if the baby needs

you know, anything at all, just give me a call.

What?

Out of the question.

I'm not forking out $1 ,400 for that baby to go to a fat...

Adorable. I can't wait for you to see my little Emily.

Oh, is that why you decided to name her? Well, actually, Wendy named her Joan.

I'm going to call her Emily.

I see a lot of therapy ahead for this kid.

Wow, that's so sweet, Kirk. I had no idea you and Kate were such good

Oh, what, are you kidding me? Kate and I are tight.

Yeah, what we have is very, very special. We really bonded.

Our friendship.

is based on sincerity and mutual respect, which, incidentally, I now have

all women.

Wow, that's awesome. Oh, it's given me a whole new perspective on the female

race.

And, needless to say, it's put me in touch with my feminine side. You know,

inner Kirk.

If you will, the Alan Allday in me.

Wow, that's deep.

I cannot speak.

For all men.

But I know this man needs more than one woman friend to bond with. So I was

thinking, if you weren't doing anything later, maybe you could come over to my

place and I could help you search for your feminine side.

Wow.

That's never going to happen.

No wonder Alan Alden never scores.

Hey, guys.

Get over here. Look at these pictures.

This is her right after we got her home from the hospital.

Oh, did you ever see such a round, deep red face?

Look how puffy her eyes are.

Oh, and just look at that little smushed head.

Yeah, she looks just like her mother.

Evening, everybody.

Guess what I got?

Postcards from Kate and Mitch on their honeymoon. Oh, what does it say? Having

wonderful time in Bermuda. Glad you're not here.

Oh, no, that place was far too tacky. Heart -shaped vials, mirrors on the

ceiling, vibrating bed.

Sure brings back memories.

Don't tell me you spent your honeymoon there.

Better. I ran the game room.

Coming up next, it's an all -new Reasonable

Doubts. And Dickie and Tess must face a hit -and -run killing that leads right

to their boss.

And Sunday night, who's Harry Crumb? He's a man of a thousand faces, but only

half a brain.

John Candy stars in the network premiere of Who's Harry Crumb? Sunday night on

NBC.