Original subtitles

Oh, what's the latest with you and Walter?

Nothing. It's over.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, but I'm sure that someday the right guy will come along and sweep you off

your feet.

With my luck, his broom will be busted.

So, how are you getting along with Alejandro?

Oh, we broke up.

Funny.

As dumb as Alejandro was, I still think I could have made that relationship

work.

If only I'd been willing to have a lobotomy.

What are we doing wrong?

John's got a big romance going on and Kirk's in love with that lady from

SmokeEnders. And then there's us.

At least we'll always have each other.

Just talked to Michael, and he said he can't see me anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, he's moving to Ohio on Monday.

If it's any consolation, Mary Beth, this has happened to both Kate and me. Yes,

and take it from us, you will get over it.

Never. That man was the best hairdresser...

The Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

Bye -bye. See you soon.

Hey,

thanks for giving me a ride over here, Jan.

I'd better go.

I left the motor running. I'm afraid it'll overheat.

What about my motor?

Yours I want overheated.

What did who say? The group. What did they say about you and Molly living

together?

Don't give me none of your... Look, I tried to tell them, but things... Oh,

Ralph, you're still worried they're not going to approve of you and Molly

getting back together?

Well, you're wrong.

You just got to tell them. You think so? Just tell them?

Sure. I'll help you.

Thanks, Denise. I really appreciate your support.

passion while you listen to a story.

Where are you going?

Oh, give me a break, Ralph. I already heard it.

So, Ralph, dear, don't be shy. Tell us what this is all about.

Okay, here goes.

I'm gonna just tell you.

Uh, it's all about me and Molly.

You see, she's really a terrific girl. Ralph, I know it's difficult.

I mean, you've got to quit trying to hold on to the past, Ralph.

I'm not. Yes, you are. I went through the same thing with Wendy when I got

divorced. I couldn't let go.

But then Jan came into my life, and everything changed.

You see, Ralph, you've got to let go.

Yeah, but, you see... Speaking of which, I have a little announcement that I

think may surprise a few people here.

Well, that's what I thought I was going to do, you see. Ralph, please, do this.

I'm going to tell Jan that I want us to date each other exclusively.

Oh, John, that's wonderful. I mean, who would have thought that one day I would

be going steady with my own dentist?

That's it?

Some announcement.

Look, I've got something earth -shaking to say here.

Hey, hey, hey, where's Red? I've got to talk to her right away. All right,

what's the problem? I'm sorry it's personal. It's just between me and Kate.

Oh,

parking meter. Oh, perfect. Just perfect.

Do you people mind?

Now, what I've been trying to say is that a guy can go through life just so

doing this little bachelor thing.

Sooner or later... Right, there you are. Come here. I've got to talk to you.

It's an emergency.

Somebody lock that door.

All funny stuff, I promise.

Kate McCarron here. I want my mother!

I'm Kate McCarron. I'm Jackie, Kirk's girlfriend.

Oh, hi, Jackie! Yeah, we've all been looking forward to meeting you. Hi. Do

think I could have a moment in private to talk about Kirk? It's something

personal. Yes, of course, dear.

Louise, I think she was talking to me.

girlfriend, Jackie.

Jackie? Oh, no.

That's it. It's over.

Good, good, because I've got something to say. Damn it.

You despicable, underhanded snake.

Just when I think you can't sink any lower, you manage to find a new bottom.

I'm going to kill you. No, no, no, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate. No, no, come on, come

on, Kate.

You're not going to kill anybody.

You're right.

I'm going to make him walk funny. Where are the scissors?

There he is, Kate. Tell us what happened.

Well, Mr. Sleaze over here told his girlfriend, Jackie, that he and I slept.

Slept. Come on, Kate.

Speak it out.

Slept together.

He's all yours.

Come on, come on, come on.

What, what, what?

So I pulled a little white lie.

Kirk, you disgust me.

Oh, that's gratitude.

And after I pulled her, you were fantastic.

Okay,

I'm sorry, Kirk, but since you involve Kate in all this, I think she has a

to know what's going on. Okay, okay, John, but go easy. Remember, I got

feelings.

Before Jackie would let Kirk move in with her, she asked him to give her a

of all the women he'd slept with in the past three months.

Well, seeing as this is the 90s, that sounds very sensible.

Yes, but in the past three months... How can I put this tactfully?

Kirk has been on a, uh... sort of a... sexual sabbatical.

Sexual sabbatical?

He's not getting any.

put you on the list. He wants to, um... He wanted to protect his male ego.

Well, his stupid male ego is still intact.

I didn't want to break Jackie's heart by telling her you're nothing but a liar,

so I played along.

All right, Red!

Thank you!

Thank you.

And don't worry.

People hear you slap with me, at least they'll finally think you have a life.

I think it might be best if we got off this distasteful subject and moved on to

something in a lighter vein. Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Ralph! Ralph! You said you had something you wanted to tell us about you and

Mom. Please, Ralph, come on, tell us. Not if you ripped

out my tongue and beat me over the head.

Hey. Hi.

I gotta tell you, you giving up cigarettes has really made a difference.

Why? Do I look better?

No. When I was down in the lobby, I couldn't hear you coughing.

I cleared out a closet for you in the bedroom.

All right!

We're gonna be roomies!

I want you. I want you more. I want you more than that. Please, let's not fight.

I can't tell you how tough these past three weeks have been on me.

What about me?

I got a sex drive that can go from zero to 50 in four seconds.

And what do you say we put the pedal to the metal?

You know why I'm so crazy about you?

The most important thing to any woman when she's with a guy is honesty.

And that's what you gave me.

Nothing turns me on more than honesty.

Then get ready to be turned on more than you've ever been turned on before in

your life.

I'm ready. I am about to be so honest it scares me. Yes, yes.

I didn't sleep with Kate.

I didn't sleep with anyone.

I lied to you.

Honest.

What? What?

What? What?

You lied to me?

Yeah, but I understand.

This honesty stuff is new to me.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. I want to understand this perfectly.

You mean, after all the sparks that were bouncing off me to you and you to me...

After all the energy and love that was going on between us, you had so little

faith in me, thought I was so shallow, narrow -minded, and insincere, that you

were afraid if you told me the truth that I'd kick you out of my life? Yes!

Yes, that is how I make it in!

get my own closet.

To feast your eyes on a big surprise, just tell your toes to follow each rose.

And I'm not published.

Oh, dear.

Yes, hello.

Ralph, Ralph, I can't talk right now. Jan is on her way over here, and I got a

little surprise planned for her.

Okay, okay, okay. What about you and Molly?

Oh, there's the elevator. Look, I'm sorry, Ralph.

I'm sorry. Look, if you want to talk about Molly, the best place to do it is

one -to -one club.

Oh,

bad time for next wife to show up, huh?

You pay the price.

You expecting someone?

No, I was trying to seduce myself, so I sent me roses.

What the hell are you doing here?

I just had to come over and tell you the big news in person. Tell me what?

What was so important that you couldn't torture me with it over the phone?

What, what, what?

John, we're going to have a baby.

No, we're not. Get off the bed, Wendy.

Yes, we are.

John, I'm pregnant with your child.

What?

Oh, this is great. Oh, this is just great. This is just perfect. John,

I wanted a baby and you made it possible. I don't want anything from

wanted to come over and thank you.

Did I come at a bad time?

Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Jan, this is Wendy.

Wendy, Jan.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a shower.

Sorry. I can imagine what this must look like.

You must be John's girlfriend, the dentist, right?

And you must be his ex -wife.

The ex -wife, right?

It's nice to finally meet you, Jan. Look, I can imagine what must be going

through your mind. You know, finding John and me in the bedroom together, in

each other's arms. But really, there's nothing going on between us.

I just came over to tell him we're going to have a baby.

Well, good night.

Sorry, John. I'm really sorry.

Well, John?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

No, no, no, wait. Jan, Jan, there's a perfectly simple explanation for all of

this.

It's not really that simple.

In fact, it's kind of tricky.

It doesn't really roll off the tongue that easily.

Goodbye, John. No, no, no, Jan, Jan, wait, wait a minute.

Please, wait. Jan, you did not see what you think you saw.

Wendy had me pinned to the wall in the bedroom because she was excited.

Well, not that kind of excited. I mean, it was just a friendly hug.

All right, John.

I can buy that.

Now, what about the part where she's having your baby?

Well, that's where it gets a little tricky.

Please, sit down.

Um... Yeah.

Look, um... Wendy called me up a couple of months ago.

Her biological clock was ticking, and she asked me to... To come over and wind

it up?

No, no, no. She asked me to contribute to a sperm bank.

See, she wanted to have my baby by artificial insemination, and no strings

attached, so I did.

Oh, so that's what happened.

Yes.

No.

Look, I didn't feel right about it. I just didn't think the whole thing was

right. So I went back to the sperm bank to reclaim my sperm. And actually, I

broke into the place and I got arrested.

So this is the tricky part.

No, but hang in there. We're closing in on it.

Anyway, they call Wendy. She comes down and she says she wants to talk to me

alone. Well, I'm in handcuffs.

She's not.

She pushes me into an empty room. Now, pay attention, Jan. This is the tricky

part.

Wendy... took advantage of me.

And that's how she got pregnant.

So, how did you like the roses?

Goodbye, John.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Jan, please.

I'm no longer in love with Wendy.

I was going to spend the whole night telling you how much I adore you.

I mean, I was even going to tell you that I didn't want us to see anybody

John, I can't be with you when another woman's having your baby.

But, Jan, I really care about you.

I care about you too, John.

But this just cannot work.

Jan, at least take the roses.

No, thank you.

Goodbye, John.

By the way, get yourself another dentist.

I

wonder,

are women really worth all that trouble?

Yeah. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Mint.

Yeah. You're the same.

I don't know why we put ourselves through all this aggravation.

I say we take a vow and give them up for good. Well, let's not be impulsive.

Men don't like that.

And let me tell you something, big guy. I don't have to take this from you

anymore. What's wrong, Mr.

Tom hasn't spoken to me since we went dancing last week.

I still think any band who can't play Stardust deserves to be mooned.

You should be happy for us.

I'm sorry, Molly, but you have to understand, it's not easy for me to be

tonight.

Jan and I just broke up.

So did Jackie and me.

You can put Walter and me on the list.

While you're at it, throw in me and Alejandro.

Tom and I are split, Bill.

Mary Beth?

Be serious, Ralph.

If I were in love, would my hair look like this?

I'm sorry, guys. I didn't know you all got dumped.

Yeah, we didn't mean to gloat. Look, um, if it's any consolation, we're not all

that happy.

Are we, sweetheart?

Heck no.

He drives me crazy sometimes.

Yeah, and sometimes this little gal drives me up the wall.

likes to eat his alphabet soup in alphabetical order.

Sorry, dear, but at least I don't put my jelly knife in the peanut butter.

Well, I'm not the one who gets up in the middle of the night to clip my stupid

toenails.

How am I supposed to sleep with those suckers ricocheting off the ceiling?

Look, uh, maybe we should discuss this at home. Oh, maybe we should.

This was just a little trick we played on you to make you feel better.

Hey, Molly, wait up.

Please don't leave me!

Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so cuddle up with your loved one

someone else's loved one and watch me host Saturday Night Live with In Excess.

How do some Brazilian merchants deal with street kids?

They have them killed.

I'm Tom Brokaw. We'll go inside Brazil's ring of death squads on expose Sunday.

Beth. Hi there, Beth.

Hey. Are you all right?

I guess. I was just thinking about this morning.

What happened?

I came out of my apartment building, and there he was.

This poor, lonely, despondent soul lying on the sidewalk in front of my

building.

I can't help but feel guilty.

Oh, yes. It's a very painful sight.

This city can be so cruel.

He looked up at me with those sad, pleading eyes.

I was afraid he was going to freeze to death dressed in nothing but that

lightweight tuxedo.

I beg your pardon?

Well, that's what he was wearing when he took me out last night.

Why don't men understand when they take you home that no means no?