Original subtitles

Yeah.

to your ex -husband, but I still have some rights.

Oh, hi, John. How are you? Fantastic.

Couldn't be better.

Oh, of course I wasn't talking to you, you witch.

unbelievably handsome, wealthy son of an Argentine cattle baron. He may well be

the most charming, romantic man I have ever met.

Not my time.

His name is Alejandro.

Alejandro Braceros. Isn't that a beautiful name?

Well, sometimes he has a little trouble understanding what I'm talking about,

but it's such a small language barrier. Who cares?

And he has this childlike boyishness that makes him so much fun to be with.

Do you know what we did on Saturday?

We tooled around town in the Mercedes SL that his father bought for him. And

then we went to Central Park and flew kites.

It's his father's thing. Go.

I don't know.

He's at their cattle ranch in Argentina.

And then we went to his penthouse and watched Roadrunner cartoons and laughed.

to meet him. He's picking me up at Clancy's after the meeting, and he's

me out for what he calls una noche de amor, a night of love.

Ah, that certainly brings back memories.

Guitars playing, castanets clicking, mission bells ringing.

Mrs. Filbert, you had a Latin lover, too?

Actually, he was a sailor behind a taco stand.

We both agreed we didn't want Matthew to have a dirt bike.

And then you go and tell him that I'm the one that's against it. Now, I'm the

villain, and you're the loving, understanding mother.

Wendy, do you have to blow dry your hair while we're on?

the flowers to Kate.

Women. Who would send flowers to a woman in a bar? Yeah, especially if she's not

wearing pasties and a G -string.

Oh, Kate, they're just beautiful.

I bet they're from Alejandro.

You are my princess. I am your prince.

That's not his Mary Beth.

And you must be Louise.

My Katharina has told me so much about you. Oh, it's not much of a story,

really.

news for you. I'm building a cabin in the Poconos, and it will be finished

weekend. I want you to be the first one to see it.

Oh, that.

Where have you been all my life?

Well, I was born in a small village called... No, no, no. It's just an

American expression for...

I've chartered a boat to take us to the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, but Alejandro, it's late. The Statue of Liberty is closed.

Oh, but not for us. You see, I slipped your government a little something to

keep her head open.

John,

you've got to get rid of some of this hostility.

He just did.

These darts he threw are in for good.

down from that wall.

Oh.

Oh, maybe I ought to call it a night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. John, you got a problem? I want to hear about it.

Come on. I don't care how long it takes.

I am here for you.

Okay. Come on. Spill your guts to your best buddy, Kirk. Well, it just seems

that every time Wendy and I make a decision, she goes behind my back. Oh.

Hold that thought.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Kirk's much easier to talk to when he's talking about himself.

Still smoking, huh?

Still breathing, huh?

What's your name?

Jackie. Jackie.

Jackie, do you know why you can't quit smoking?

Because you don't have a real incentive.

Like what?

Like me.

Like hell.

You know, I'd find you a lot sexier if you'd stop.

Please, I'm already having enough trouble trying to quit.

Let's just say that you and I had something going on.

Let's just say you're hot for my body.

You're really going to stretch my imagination.

We're all...

We're both breathing passionately.

You're moaning and squirming.

I bend you over backwards into the horizontal position.

There are little beads of sweat trickling down the small of your back.

What's your point?

Who remembers?

The point is...

During this, all I smell is still smoke in your hair, on your breath, and that's

a real turnoff.

Look, why don't you just admit you want to go out with me to see if we can get

something on? Hey, Jackie, don't flatter yourself.

Wait a second. Suppose I tell you to meet me here tomorrow night, 8 o 'clock.

We'll go out, see what happens.

Don't tell me you wouldn't be here.

You gonna be smoking?

Maybe I will.

Maybe I won't. You gonna be here?

Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

All right.

I'll try not to smoke.

All right.

I'll try to be here.

You know, you're not like other guys.

You're different.

Yeah, I know.

But I may just show up anyway.

That tooth continues to ache. You call back tomorrow, okay?

Right.

Hi, I'm John Lacey. I have an 11 .30 appointment.

I'm having my gums scraped.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Lacey, your son

called. Oh, thank you. Can I use your phone? Sure, help yourself.

Thanks. He called about ten minutes ago.

Hi, Matthew. Got your message. Everything all right?

Thank me? For what?

The dirt bike?

Oh, the dirt bike your mother and I gave you?

That dirt bike, huh?

I'm gonna kill that woman.

Hey, son.

Could you put your mother on the phone for me, please?

Well, would you tell her to call me here at Dr. Phillips' office when she's

through waxing her legs?

Bye, Matthew.

I'd like to pull those hairs out one by one, follicle by follicle.

Mr. Lacey, I forgot to tell you. Dr.

Phillips was called out of town. Dr.

Benjamin will be treating you today.

Fine, fine.

My ex -wife always does this to me.

Went behind my back again.

Typical woman.

Now if I tell my son he can't keep the dirt bike because I think it's too

dangerous, I'm the bad guy.

Women.

They always know what buttons to push to make you crazy.

Now I know why there's more old women around than old men.

Men can't take the aggravation anymore, so in self -defense, they die.

And that is the happiest day of their life.

Hi, I'm Dr.

Benjamin.

Let's get to scraping that big mouth of yours.

Well, I see what the problem is.

What do you say we get started digging?

Listen, before we do, I would like to apologize for those dumb, stupid remarks

made about women before.

I wasn't... I was talking about women in general. I wasn't talking about you

personally, because I didn't even know you were a woman. A dentist.

A woman. Don't forget it ever happened. I know I have.

Thank you.

Before we begin, would you like some Navigate?

Do you think I'll need it?

No, a big strong man like you.

I'll go with another K.

Listen, I want you to know that what I said outside was because I just had a

fight with my ex -wife, you see, and I'm sure you've had these fights with your

husband. I'm not married.

Well, then with your boyfriend.

No, I'm afraid starting a dental practice hasn't left me much time for a

life. Yeah, I'm sure those sharp needles don't help either, do they?

Mr. Lacey, it won't be too painful, I promise.

Well, listen, as a way of apologizing, why don't I take you to lunch?

Well, thank you, but that won't be necessary.

It won't be too painful, I promise.

What do you say, Doc?

I say if you're taking me to lunch, you can call me Jan.

Okay. And you can call me John.

Okay, John.

Now open wide.

Okay.

Jan.

This is going to be such a fantastic weekend, Alejandro.

The way you described your cabin, it sounds wonderful. The view of the lake

the dining room, the big stone fireplace in the living room. That's nothing.

Wait until you see my pride and joy.

My big game room.

Big game room?

Oh, I'm sorry, Alejandro. That stuff just really upsets me.

I don't understand that.

The thought of the frivolous destruction of animals just so you can hang their

heads on the walls of your game room as trophies really turns me off.

No, my game room has 15 pinball machines.

Shuffleboard, air hockey, Nintendo. A game room? Oh, I see.

The heads are hanging in the living room.

I can't stand to look at them either.

like we always do. I was kind of hoping we could have a quiet, introspective

weekend. It would give us a chance to find out more about each other, our

on politics, religion, what we want out of life. No games?

No games.

But I love games.

Well, okay, then I've got a great idea for a new game. Oh, good, because I love

games.

This will teach us a lot about each other, okay? Okay.

Now, if you could be anyone in history... Anyone at all, who would you

to be?

Huh?

Well, for example, if I could be anyone in history, I would love to be Madame

Curie or Eleanor Roosevelt or maybe even Indira Gandhi.

Oh, I see how your little game works.

Okay, I'm ready.

Shoot. Good.

Now, if you could be anyone in history, who would you most like to be?

That's easy.

I would... Kill to be Sylvester Stallone.

Or Tony Orlando, eh?

Hard to believe I never played this game before, eh?

I played so many video games, I'm afraid I may be sterile.

You know, Jan, you're the first periodontist I ever said this to.

Why don't I come over to your place, put on a little Sinatra, lower the lights,

and then we'll take turns massaging each other's gums.

10 .30?

Tonight?

I'll be there.

with you, so I was. I had a rotten time.

Yeah? Well, I didn't have such a great time either, Jackie.

Look, if you think I'm going out with you again, you're crazy.

Well, before you turn down another date, you should at least wait to be asked.

I wouldn't go out with you again if you begged me. Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

I'll meet you after the group.

Don't be late.

So, there we are at lunch. Oh, hi, Kirk.

Jan can't take her eyes off me. Then I realized why.

The Novocaine hadn't worn off yet.

Had this French onion soup dripping down my chin.

She thought I was adorable.

Well, well, well, this is certainly a change in attitude. Just last week, you

stood right there and told us you hated all...

I never said that.

Yes, you did, John.

You said if there was only one woman left on the face of the earth, you'd

the earth on her face.

Hey, Kirk, help me out here. Say something stupid so they'll jump on you.

What?

I'm sorry, John. I wasn't listening.

Kirk, is something wrong? You seem awfully quiet this evening.

Yeah, what's the matter? Rat got your tongue?

That's a good one, Kate.

And Tuesday and Wednesday.

And Thursday.

I don't know why I keep seeing this woman. Ever since I met her, she's

nothing but problems.

I can't sleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

I can't think straight. I have no appetite.

Well, sounds to me like you're either sick or you're in love.

Well, Kirk, which is it?

How should I know? This babe has me so confused, I don't know what I'm doing.

The other day, I actually found myself opening a door for her, and not just to

check out her tush.

Which, by the way, is a classic.

Ooh, this is serious.

It gets worse.

Last night, I bought her flowers.

I don't believe it. You will when you get the bill.

I mean, I don't know why I am doing all this stuff.

I know why you're doing all this stuff. It's so you can get her to go to bed

with you. Yes. You people disgust me.

I don't know why I even put up with all this abuse.

All you can think about is sex.

Your information, I haven't laid a hand on Jackie.

I respect her too much.

Oh, no. He is in love.

I know.

Why me, God?

Why me?

Not here, John.

Oh, would you get that for me, hon? Yeah.

Hello?

Yes, he is. May I say he's calling?

Wendy?

As an ex -wife, Wendy?

They're just crazy about your onion dip.

John, it's Wendy.

I'll call her back later.

Oh, John, you're so lucky to have found somebody like Jan. Yeah, she's smart,

she's beautiful, and she's talking to Wendy?

Come on, get in the bathroom. I don't want anybody to hear this.

Kirk? Kirk!

What's the big deal? I can't give her a list.

The reason I can't give her a list of the women I've slept with is there isn't

list.

What?

John, I don't want this to get around, but for the last three months, my love

boat has been in dry dock.

Following your local news, Saturday Night Live will be seen in its entirety

after an NBC News special, America at War.

Hi, I'm Sting, and in these uncertain times, it's up to all of us to work a

little bit harder and do a bit more.

So I'll be appearing as both the host and the musical guest on Saturday Night

Live. And someday, the Raiders take on the Bills for the AFC Championship.

Problems with me.

Now, when I get back, you better be ready to talk or I'm going to kick butt.

Ralph.

Oh, fine, Denise. What are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to make myself look miserable before I go into the group.

You've been painting your apartment with the windows closed again.

Look, I've got to tell somebody.

Can you keep a secret? Of course I can.

I told you.

Remember Molly?

The girl who works with me down at the tunnel?

Oh, yeah.

The one you were dating until the group opened their big mouths and made you

break up with her? Yeah, yeah. Well, don't let this get around.

We're sort of living together.

You and Molly are living together!

If the group finds out, I'm afraid they're going to try and break us up

Oh, come on. They'll be happy for you. Best thing to do, just go in there and

tell the truth.

You think so? Sure, they're your friends.

Maybe you're right.

Thanks, Denise.

Anytime, honey.

She's dead.