Original subtitles

Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

And then, at the stroke of midnight, my date Steve removed the carrot sticks

from his nose, yelled Happy New Year, and passed out in the bean dip.

Oh, dear.

Talk about embarrassing.

He does that on our next date. He's history.

Okay, sweetheart, it's your loss.

Remember that chick calling me a liar?

Well, you did lie, Kirk.

You told her you were going to be on next month's cover of Sports

I thought it would look for me on the cover, John. I didn't say she'd find me.

You know something, Kirk?

You would get a lot better response from women if you just try to be honest.

You're a fine one to talk about honest.

You're the one that told Red you liked that Christmas present she gave you,

you went and returned it.

You didn't.

Well, it didn't fit.

It was a tie.

Yeah. Well, um, you see the trouble you get into when you tell these vicious

falsehoods? Oh, come on, Kirk. If they gave out a Nobel Prize for lying, you'd

win it.

I can tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth for longer

you can any day. Oh, yeah? For how much? What? For how much?

Well, like, you want to bet? Yeah.

I got $20 here that says you'll lie before I do. Uh, Louise, would you hold

money? Yeah. Here. There's my 20.

What? I'm good for it.

I got another 20 that says you're not. All right. All right.

Sit back.

We both pulled the graveyard shift.

It was the best New Year's Eve of my life.

There she was, three toll booths away, making change, giving directions.

And when the clock struck twelve, I can't be sure.

I'm not totally certain.

But I think she blew me a kiss.

It's either that or she was coughing from the fumes.

Well, there's only one way to find out, Ralphie. You ask her out, and you see if

you wind up with a hickey or a spot on your lung.

Nah, she'd never go for a guy like me. What do you mean?

Don't be ridiculous.

You're a terrific guy.

Yeah, I know.

After next week, I'll probably never see Molly again. She's being transferred to

the truck lane at the George Washington Bridge.

Well, then, Ralph, you better not wait to ask her out. You know, you might not

get another chance. Those truck drivers are real fast.

Yeah, Ralph, you don't want her to wind up in the back of some 18 -wheeler

playing Pop Goes the Diesel.

Molly with a truck driver?

It could happen.

Do you have any idea how many great -looking, muscle -bound truckers must

over the George Washington Bridge every day?

2 ,780.

The hitchhike you learn.

Okay, that's it.

I win the bet. You couldn't even last a week without lying.

You just lied to that woman. You told her her baby was adorable.

Well, he was.

John, the kid looked like a Nerf ball with hair.

Speaking of Ralphie, I wonder where he is.

Yeah, I'm dying to find out if he took our advice and asked Molly out. Oh,

wouldn't that be wonderful?

Let's not get carried away, guys. You know, when it comes to Ralph, you know

timid he is around women.

Oh, I better check where I am in case they need me.

All right, Ralphie!

Sorry, the hallway was empty. We were just saying goodbye.

Sure beats waving, doesn't it?

Did you know that he can tell exactly how much money people throw in the toll

basket just by the sound of the coins? Come on,

it's no big deal.

Don't be modest.

$1 .65.

Well, sure, if you count the Canadian quarter.

Look! He's right!

Isn't it any wonder I love him?

That is incredible.

Oh, I better go, Ralph. I want to get home and change before I meet Jack

All right. It was nice meeting all of you. You know, you're all exactly the

Ralph described you.

She thought you were me.

In your dreams.

Isn't Molly just the best?

Yeah, she was.

Ralphie, you are one lucky guy. I'll tell you what.

If she wore her underwear on the outside, she'd be another Madonna.

Oh, that's right. Madonna is a friend of yours, isn't she?

What, are you kidding me, John? Madonna and I are...

strangers boy john what you won't do to win 40 bucks hey ralph i got some more

coins show us how you do that trick again oh molly forgot

been divorced from Blake for over two years now, and just the other day, I was

talking to a friend, and I referred to Blake as my husband.

Oh, come on. It was a slip of the tongue.

What are you saying? That subconsciously, I still wish that Blake

married? That's ridiculous.

Haven't you ever made the same mistake?

Ex -husband. Ex -husband.

Molly's really great, isn't she?

Yes, I'm sure it's not just one man's opinion.

Ralph, you didn't tell us Molly was married.

Yeah, she's married, but Molly and Otto were separated. He just gave her a ride

over here tonight.

Molly and Otto were separated.

Yeah, well, they are. Molly lives upstairs and Otto lives downstairs.

Ralph, just to make sure we all understand what you're saying,

say this is their house.

Well, actually, theirs is more like a Cape Cod.

I told you, they're separated.

Ralph, separation usually means by more than just a ceiling.

What's the problem?

I'll tell you what the problem is, Ralphie.

Let's say it's around midnight, okay? Otto has polished off a couple of six

-packs.

Carson,

is a rerun.

He has to seek some other form of entertainment.

So what does he do?

He turns off the TV.

He tiptoes up the stairs.

And what have you got?

Before long, you have Pilato Otto making Molly

jolly.

healthy arrangement.

Guys, the only reason Molly still lives with Otto is because she can't afford to

move out yet.

Ralph, don't you think it would be wise to curtail things with Molly until you

find out a bit more about her?

Like what?

Like when she's moving out.

And when she's getting divorced. And how she could marry a guy named Otto.

moment change.

Molly went to Macy's, brought me a great new shirt.

Ralph, we just don't want you to get hurt.

No, don't worry.

I already took the pins out.

It's all tied up. I haven't been in a game this close since the Springsteen

tour.

Yeah, me and the boss were playing for big money.

Excuse me.

Do you know Bruce Springsteen?

Do I know Bruce Springsteen?

Do I know Bruce Springsteen? Yeah. Do you know Bruce Springsteen?

No. What I said was, during the Springsteen tour...

I was playing darts with my boss.

Oh.

She's nice, but she's not 40 bucks nice.

Have you seen my man?

I know Ralph isn't here yet. Hey, Molly, sit down.

Oh, I'm so glad that you're all here. This will give me a chance to get to

you. And we want to get to know you.

Well, ask me anything you want.

Anything?

Wouldn't you like to know where I was born, where I went to school?

put you up to this. That's why he isn't here. He sent his friends to do his

dirty work. No, no, no. You don't understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

He lied to me. He said he trusted me.

No shape to go anywhere.

Tell him he's got to compose himself.

Yeah. Tell him we can't find his glasses. All right, all right. Ralph,

Ralph, just sit down.

Now, listen, compose yourself, Ralph.

We can't find your glasses. Okay, that's it.

There goes my dream.

I thought Molly and I would get married in the Lincoln Tunnel and have a

traditional toll collector's wedding.

And then one day, we'd have two kids, a girl named Penny and

a boy named Buck.

Come on, Ralphie.

Don't be all the girls. A guy with your personality?

Before long, you'll be beating them off with a stick.

Here you go, Robbie.

Here you go. I fixed your glasses.

Thanks.

John.

Well, I'm going home.

You will be at group next week, won't you, Ralph?

Sure. Now that you've screwed up my life, I need you guys more than ever.

the guys is exactly what Ralphie needs to get his mind off of this Molly chick.

Yeah, well, I hope you're right.

They'll try and be up.

Who is it?

Uh, your good buddy.

Yeah, and I brought John along with me.

Hey, guys, what are you doing here? We are here to take you out, Ralphie. The

three musketeers are gonna ride tonight.

Thanks, guys. We feel terrible about what happened tonight.

Ralphie, so we are going to take you with us to ladies' night at the Limbo

Lounge. Oh.

Come on, Ralphie. Let's get going.

No, forget it, guys. I just want to stay home tonight. Oh, come on, Ralph.

There's no fun sitting alone all by yourself in a gloomy apartment.

Listen to John. He knows what he's talking about.

Come on, Ralphie. We're not taking no for an answer. Come on. Better, because

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, Ralph, we've got to do something for all the trouble we caused you tonight.

Do you want to do something?

Quitting?

No more meddling in Ralph's life.

Agreed. You know what he needs? A woman.

I'm going to introduce him to that Tina from Smoke. No, no, no. I said no.

Forget it.

Wait a minute.

I've got a new neighbor.

Her name is Cheryl.

That's it.

Yeah, me too.

Now, listen and listen good.

Sit down.

I've got something to say and I'm going to say it and you're going to listen to

what I say, so don't say a thing.

I got a sofa, a chair, a coffee table, a kitchen.

With coffee to put on the coffee table.

A television set.

I got a bedroom back there.

We can change the Star Trek wallpaper.

Ralph, are you asking me to live with you?

Well, I wasn't...

can't hurt us.

Well,

maybe when Penny and Buck graduate medical school.

Can you tell me how to

Excuse me.

Excuse you?

Oh, for anything you want.

Great, now that you've seen me naked, hold on to that fantasy.

Can you tell me how to get to Smoke Enders?

Yeah, upstairs, one flight.

Thanks. Oh, and, uh, miss, if Smoke Enders doesn't work, maybe I can think

something we could do together to get your mind off of cigarettes.

Put some ice on it, fella.

If I ever need another bad habit, I'll call you.

Okay.

The name's Kirk.

My number's on the wall in the ladies' room.

Think I'm in love?

Oh, scratch that thought.