Original subtitles

By the time...

Here, John, is filmed before a studio audience.

What? What is the problem?

You simply cannot use our meeting room as a casting couch for your non

play. And if I ever catch you using this room again, I'm going to...

just left, so the position is open.

Oh, I see, and you don't think you're going to get it.

Don't be silly.

I know I'll get it.

My boss is a big fan of my writing, and he's taking me out to lunch on Monday.

But you're afraid you won't be up to the new job?

Oh, no.

I'll do great.

So your problem, as I understand it, is that there's this exciting position

that's open, you really want it, you know you're going to get it, and you're

sure you'll be a big success.

Boy, I don't see an easy way out of this one.

Mary Beth, are you absolutely sure you have?

Call me crazy, but I like the middle one.

Mary Beth, you don't have to put on some kind of an act. I mean, if you feel

that you deserve this promotion... Excuse me. Hope I'm not interrupting

anything. I'm from Overeaters Anonymous across the hall, and I'm just unloading

some jelly donuts on you.

He's the one that bought me those damn donuts. My husband, Orlando, did I tell

you he's in the Merchant Marines?

do this without your help.

Boy, you people are good.

I scored those tickets you wanted to the

Nick Celtics game.

What? That's impossible.

They're sold out.

Not when you have a friend.

who has a friend who knows a guy who waxes Patrick Ewing's car.

I was afraid I was going to have to break Matthew's heart and tell him I

couldn't get the tickets.

Kirk, you saved my life. What do I owe you? Hey, John, I saved a dear friend's

life. You can't put a price on that.

Oh, Kirk, thank you. But I do need a favor.

A favor? A small one. Kirk, please let me pay for the tickets, whatever they

cost. I'll pay you double.

I'll pay you triple. I'll give you one of my kidneys, please. Let me just pay

for it.

John, it is not going to cost you. The thing is, though, that chick that I

kissed in my play, well, she's coming down here any minute, and she's

to meet the producer.

And that's you.

Me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I can't do that. I can't do that.

okay. Okay, okay, John.

So, you know...

You'd do something else exciting with Matthew.

You know.

I hear they just fixed a windmill down at the miniature golf course.

And then there's the bus museum. All right, all right, all right.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Yeah, yeah. But just this once. Just this once. All

right, John. Come on. Now try and look successful, will you? Oh, come on, Kirk.

Come on.

I'm not going to be here any minute. Oh, but this looks ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Kirk.

And speak Italian.

Italian? No, no, no. I can't speak Italian. Come on, John. I can't. Fake

Italian. You know.

Fake it like you did the other night when we were fooling around at the polka

game. No, no, no. Yes, you can. No, no, no. I can't. John. John. She's expecting

to meet the world famous theatrical producer Vito Carlucci.

Oh, come on. You got to. No, no, no. Don't let me stoop this low.

Tark.

Signor Carlucci.

Signor. Carlucci.

This is such a thrill, I can hardly believe it.

Signor Carlucci says that the honor is all his.

Signor Colucci says that he is a firm believer in the method school of acting.

So, he would like you to practice the shower scene at home.

In the shower.

With me.

Signor Colucci says, forget about the shower scene. It's out.

Ah, put the lady down or don't let me do it.

Ciao, bambina. Ciao.

most romantic experience in my life?

Well, that would be during World War II.

I met this handsome soldier on the boat.

We made mad passionate love all during the crossing.

You never left your cabin?

No, no, no. In my car.

We were on the Staten Island Ferry.

Best nickel I ever spent.

All the crime, poverty, corruption.

Oh, well, the way they're destroying the rainforest, pretty soon there won't be

any oxygen and we'll just suffocate to death anyway.

Mary Beth, you're obviously depressed.

My guess would be that something pretty bad has happened in your life.

So I think that I speak for the group as a whole when I say, could you deal with

this on your own time? You're bringing us down.

Please.

Mary Beth, this is about that promotion, isn't it?

You didn't get it, did you?

I got fired.

I bet you had no problem acting surprised.

boss was such a big fan of your writing.

He said he was just putting up with me, hoping I'd improve.

But I didn't.

I'm... I'm a failure.

I'm worthless.

I'm nothing.

Oh, God.

No, no, no. Very bad. Very bad.

Yoo -hoo. Very bad.

Go away.

Oh, come on. Come on. This is not the end of the world.

Rejection is just one of those unfortunate facts of life.

things usually go extremely well for you, but you mean to tell me you've

been rejected?

Ever?

Now I'm depressed.

Oh, this whole thing is just so humiliating. Oh, come on.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, I know. When it comes to

you're looking at the resident expert right here.

Oh, come on, Louise.

Jobs, man. You want to talk rejection? Talk to me, okay?

No, no.

you deal with it?

I curl up in a ball and hum show tunes.

Mary Beth, I've done some reading about depression, and apparently one way to

handle it is to get angry.

If you don't let your anger out, you keep turning it against you.

be Italian?

Mary Beth, it's not working out.

Fred, I'm going to have to fire you because, quite frankly, your writing

Come on, John, have a heart. Please, Ralph.

All right, Mary Beth, this insensitive lout had just taken your dream of being

writer and smashed it in a little...

Mary Beth before we came over. What good would it have done? She hasn't returned

our calls all week.

That's true.

And you've got to be concerned about someone whose answering machine says,

can leave a message at the beep, but what's the point?

Now remember, we're dealing with a very depressed person. We must be gentle.

watch television.

We've been trying to reach you all week.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about that, but I've just been working my fanny off on this

chair. I haven't even had time to go out.

You've been cooped up in your apartment all week?

Yes, and what a glorious week it's been.

I never knew how much fun you could have repostering. Yeah?

Maybe I should line up a chair for New Year's Eve.

Mary Beth, why don't you come back to the group with us?

Sweet, but I've just been so...

to depression.

Good deal.

How about a midnight cruise? Call me.

555 -6351.

Wheeze. A man with a yacht is a terrible thing to waste.

No, I speak English.

As a matter of fact, I teach English.

I'm not Vito Carlucci.

Look, this whole play thing is a hoax.

Kirk made the whole thing up just to get you to go to bed with him.

I'm really very sorry.

So, Kirk's not really a director?

No, he's not.

And you have every right to be angry.

And I am!

No, it's a mistake.

Don't believe her. She's still not dealing with her anger.

She spent the entire week in her apartment. Didn't go out once.

And she refuses to even think about finding a new direction for her life.

But I don't want a new direction. I just want to be happy.

Oh, Mary.

And he'll provide you with a life filled with beauty appointments, material

possessions, and exotic vacations, but utterly devoid of any real sense of

accomplishment.

Probably.

Slim and Trim, he wouldn't have to sleep with me. Well, he called my bluff and

he hasn't touched me in two weeks. It's driving me crazy.

Even Spike Lee is starting to look handsome.

Stop it!

You're just gonna give up?

Hey, I know when I'm beaten.

Wait!

I can't do this.

Mary Beth, leave her alone. If she wants to be a blimp, that's her business.

to see.

Oh, John, stop acting so superior.

Yeah, I hate when you do that.

And Ralph, stop whining.

Hush!

Denise, you worked hard to get that weight off and it made you feel good

yourself, right?

Yeah. And then Orlando comes along and rejects you. Tells you you're not good

enough the way you are.

That makes you feel worthless, right?

Pretty much.

Doesn't it just make you want to spit nails?

You bet it does.

Then don't turn that anger against yourself or you'll wind up watching

on Laverne and Shirley.

Huh?

I know.

It seems like all of a sudden this heavy weight's been lifted off my chest.

I know that feeling.

Speaking of feelings, uh, guys, I hope I didn't hurt y 'all.

his yoke.

I could have done

the night. I could have done the

night.

This is Jane Curtin. And Stephen

Collins. We're working it out. Next.

Crime doesn't pay when Hunter's on the case.

This is Fred Dreyer. Join me for Hunter tonight.

And Thursday night, Vanna White will be spinning the wheel of fortune on an all

-new L .A. Law.

Thursday, only on NBC.

But you have got the promise. What I am about to tell you stays in this room.

All right. All right.

Here goes.

I am the real voice of

Milli Vanilli.

through both of them. I just threw a vanilla.

Hey,

I did his a favor. He's a friend of mine.

Well, you know, you know the most interesting people. You know, last week

Kirk's apartment, I met the man who invented the artificial heart. No,

that was... The same man who invented Kirk's artificial brain?

He's an installer for the cable company.